Feeling Foolish

For the past few days, I really went there. I truly did. I felt symptoms that I've NEVER felt before and I warned myself not to go there... but I did. I went there. I had my due date figured out, I had my finances finally on the mend. I had our basement finished and the baby room fixed up. Oh and I figured we could even afford a spring break celebratory trip to Mexico....

So my symptoms were as such (and sorry for the TMI)

• For the last 8 days, I've had a bloody nose whenever I blew it (ie rhinitis, a common early pregnancy symptom)
• For the last 5 days, I've been constantly dizzy and craving oranges, which I normally dislike
• For the last 4 nights, I've woken up at about 2am and haven't been able to really get back to sleep
• Over the course of the last week, I've had small period type cramps on and off, which I never have, unless I have my period.
• And of course there was the big boobs... well, big for me ;-)  (Thank YOU progesterone)

For you infertiles out there, DON'T even tell me that you wouldn't go there too, right?

And yes, I even said in my last post that I knew in my heart of hearts that it didn't work. But after a few days of these symptoms, I truly thought, maybe... just maybe... this is finally all coming together for B and me. And maybe, just maybe we'd be pregnant and have our little baby and even have some in the freezer for our second child and we would finally be free of this amazingly huge financial burden that is infertility...

But once again, infertility has taken the upper hand and made me feel like a foolish ass for hoping that this could really be our end in sight. 

My beta today was a whopping 1.0...

ONE. POINT. OH

(they would like it over 50, at least)

I mean, really? Really???? FUCK. I thought even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy, maybe we'd have a beta that was higher, like 10, or 20 or something, with all of those symptoms that I was feeling. I can't even call that a chemical pregnancy! But no... not even a sign that something was trying to happen other than the signs in my body, and now the signs that I feel like were all in my head. Even more, now that I've had those symptoms, I can't even imagine what it might feel like if I really ever DO get pregnant with our frozen cycle or if we choose to use donor eggs. I'll be a worried anxious mess about any symptoms that I have and not be able to relax until my baby is in my hands.

Foolish... That about explains how I feel today.

P.S.... for those of you who know me in real life, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this just yet... so while I treasure your interest and need support, the best way to support me right now is just a little space on this topic.  Thanks :-)

2ww Writers Block

I've been struggling to write any posts during this 2ww. I think its because I'm trying to detach myself from this process even though I know if I have a negative outcome, it will still hurt. During the 2ww, I'm pretty much a mess. Internally, I'm up and down emotionally. Externally, I may seem stoic or pensive or happy.  Sometimes a twinge here or there gives me a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this could finally be our time, but deep down, I really don't think this worked. I still have a few days to wait until my blood test, so I will dutifully take my progesterone, like a good little IVF patient, and hope that I'm one of those lucky women who get pregnant w/o really feeling anything...  In my heart of hearts I feel that we'll be thawing those 2 little frosties for one last attempt with my genetics....

For now, my quietness is simply a sign that I'm trying to focus on anything but infertility for the next few days, even though my mind can think of nothing else...

We Have Embabies!

Quick update. I'll post more later, but just wanted to give you and update

14 eggs ==> 8 mature ==> 6 fertilized

WE HAVE EMBABIES!!!!!!!!!! OH JOY!!! OH JOY!!!

Oh, and they aren't 'grainy and spongy' like the RE said at the clinic where I participated in the clinical trial. Screw you Chicago clinic!!! Poo on you for your mean spirited comments about  my eggs. Poo!! My eggs ROCK! :-)

(That felt good! This IVF cycle was worth it just for the simple fact that this batch of eggs aren't grainy and spongy)

So here's the deal. We're going in tomorrow and if all 6 are still looking good, we're going to transfer 2 and freeze 4. While I believe wholeheartedly in science and statistics, they should only be used as very good guidelines rather than dogma. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. And my gut is telling me that if we have enough, let's transfer 2 tomorrow. Even though my progesterone is high and my clinic has never had a pregnancy with a progesterone as high as mine on trigger day, I feel like we have enough embryos today to give it a go. And I have to go w/ my gut on this one.

So we may or  may not transfer tomorrow. But for now, we have some embabies! Hooray!!!

Fear Eats

Fear is eating away at my sanity today...

I hardly slept last night. I feel edgy and anxious today. I'm so worried that when I come out of my la-la land haze tomorrow after the egg retrieval, my sweet RE is going to look at me with her sad eyes and say all of my eggs are crap... that they are spongy and grainy and they just disintegrated upon removal... and with that our last chance will be over and done with. I'm also fearful that the trigger shot that I took at 10:30 last night did nothing and none of my eggs will mature and all of this money and time and emotion will be wasted.

Fear sucks.

I wish I was a naive first time IVFer right now, without all of the medical knowledge I have, without 3 failed IVF cycles under my belt, with out gun-shy ovaries after IVF#3 debacle.

I think this just confirms why most infertility vets don't typically go through this many IVF cycle. With each one, knowledge of what can go wrong increases and worry takes hold.

Yes, I'm doing my meditations and I'm at work trying to keep my mind occupied, but one can't just get rid of the deep seated feelings they have that impending doom is coming. Its innate in me. I've been through just about 4 years of failed cycles, and with each new hope, some other new news comes that takes the hope away.

I'm sorry if this is coming off as total debbie-downer (love that phrase!) but Its just how I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out of my system. I think I'll start to focus on a big fat martini that I plan to have on Friday night.. or maybe 10.

I Thought I Told You to Stop Thinking!

(A quick aside before I get to my blog post: HAPPY ICLW! I can't believe how quickly these months are passing. Welcome to new readers. You'll see a few tabs at the top of my blog to learn a bit about me. I'm so glad you're here :-) )

In my last post, I decided to stop thinking and just do.

Easier said than done.

I had my monitoring appointment yesterday, after 6 days of stims. This are going well from the follicle side. I have about 12 measurable follicles and a few more unmeasurable ones. However, as soon as I saw those girls on the ultrasound monitor, I could see that things weren't ideal. Some of the follicles were a bit bigger than we had expected them to be at this point, which means that potentially my progesterone might start to increase before we wanted it to. The size of the follicles doesn't necessarily determine this, but my history does.

You see, with IVF #1& 2, I had premature lutenization.  A big scary word that manifests in progesterone rising too soon before retrieval of the eggs. To boil it down to lay-mans terms, when progesterone starts to increase too soon in one's cycle, it causes the uterine lining to be less receptive to the embryo and decreases pregnancy rates. It's potentially also a precursor to ovarian failure. I've found conflicting viewpoints on this topic. It seems that some RE's concern themselves with progesterone levels as an IVF cycler nears trigger and retrieval, and others don't. My RE's have actually written and published articles on it, and so, yes, they do concern themselves.

So I have to go back in on Sunday for a check on the growth of the follicles and my progesterone and estrogen levels. Based on those, we will either trigger that day for a retrieval on Tuesday or stim for a day or two more.

One of the ways to overcome this uterine receptivity issue is to do what's called a 'freeze-all'... so we'll get the eggs out of me, fertilize them with B's swimmers and then freeze all of the embryos and wait to transfer them until the next cycle where we can line up my progesterone levels accordingly. This is easy to do in a frozen cycle since I'm taking a drug to stop me from growing any follicles/eggs, and therefore no progesterone production that we can't control.

So that's an easy fix...but now I'm just a mess in my head. I wish there was a clear cut answer as to what to do and I so wish that for once my progesterone would just stay put. But I know that I can't control that, so I'm going to have to try to control my busy head. I'm waking up in the morning swirling with thoughts of what ifs and should haves.  Man, I wish this was easier. I wish that my ovaries just sucked and didn't produce any eggs.  I probably would have given up on my body by now and have moved on to another option and be either happily pregnant with a donor embryo or be working towards adoption. Instead, the fact that I have a lot of eggs makes me continue down this path of my own genetics, searching for a needle in a haystack. UGH!!!

So now all I can do is think.... what if we stim too long and my egg quality sucks. What if my progesterone is too high on Sunday at my next monitoring appointment and we miss the chance to transfer a fresh embryo? Our success rate automatically decreases. What if we don't have any good quality eggs to freeze if we can't transfer fresh? Why does my body do this? Should we be monitoring every day? EEEEEk!!!!!!!! My head is spinning and I need to stop!

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breath in
Breathe out

Anyone out there encounter this issue and have success??? Please tell me so?

All In

First things first... my baseline ultrasound went really well! Thanks SOOO much for the prayers and good thoughts. They worked! My antral follicle count was around 20, just like with my first two IVF cycles back in 2009. So it's a go! We're "all in" as they say in Texas Hold 'em (even though I have no clue how to play that game). Last night I started my shots. I'm taking 375u gonal-f and 75u menopur. Then in about a week, we'll add the cetrotide to prevent ovulation until we're ready to trigger. And with that, I've once again entered the sisterhood of the bruised bellies.

I marvel at the human body. Infertility has made me absolutely amazed with it. It makes me wish I had gone into the medical field.  Anywho, my point... With IVF#3, at my baseline ultrasound, I had just about 7 antral follicles. And I was thinking, man, my body sucks. I'm old. And just yesterday I was back on a high thinking that I'm a teenager again! (well, not quite.. but let's say late 20s).  Is the antral count that variable, from month to month? Or is it simply that with IVF #3 I was not on birth control pills first. My RE thinks that when you are on BCPs, it gives your body a chance to get a few more  follicles into the antral stage, all lined up and ready to go. So I guess I'm proving her theory right. Also, I checked back to IVF #1 & 2, and sure enough, about 20+ antral follicles. Go figure. Well, if nothing else, we should have a larger crop of eggs to work with this time.

Oh, also, my RE asked me how I felt about being aggressive. Her words were, "Are you ok with feeling kind of bloaty?"... So I guess we're pulling out the big guns this time. EEP!  "All in"... That's our motto this time.

On a different note, it seems that where the emotional rollercoaster of this fertility journey is concerned, apparently I'm on a very different one than B.

B and I went out to dinner on Thursday night. As we sat at the bar, me sipping my last big glass of wine for a while, hopefully 9 months, B expressed how excited he was about our upcoming IVF cycle and how he just knows that it's going to work. Now I've suspected that he's felt this way for a while based on a few little comments he's made and the shine in his eye when we talk about it, but I'm not sure I really understood how hopeful and excited he is until that dinner.

It almost reminds me of how I felt when we started our first IVF cycle, almost 2 years ago. But what I realized is that I just can't get there. I can't get all giddy and excited and "up" about this being it, the final step. Its just too hard. This isn't to say that I'm not hopeful. In fact, I was the one that wanted to do this with my body, one... last... time...  B was somewhat ready to move on to a different route. I was the one who convinced him that I needed closure with my body before we move on.

And yet here I sit, somewhat numb (albeit a bit more excited now that I have 20 antrals instead of 7...), and he's the giddy one. Strange.

But maybe not. Maybe its just is a good example of how no two people can experience an event (or journey in this case) in the exact same manner. I really want to control his emotions and have him not hurt if this doesn't work, but I can't. I have to let him walk through this the way he needs to, not the way I need him to.

And so, as our roller coasters are starting off on the path of IVF once again, it looks like B's car is already higher than mine... I wonder if I'll catch up.

Think Antral Thoughts

I have a few posts stirring in my head and hope to spend this upcoming weekend with NO PLANS (whee!!!) getting a few written out.

In the meantime, just wanted to update you all that yesterday was my last day on those evil BCPs (birth control pills for those of you who don't know the lingo. One day, I promise I'll get a glossary page up). I go in tomorrow morning for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. If all goes well, I could be sticking myself in the belly with multiple shots tomorrow night. Yippee!!! (that's a little serious and a lot sarcastic)

Also, if you believe in the power of prayer or group thought, please send some my ovaries' way so that they show a nice big crop of antral follicles in tomorrow's ultrasound. Come on ovaries! Remember, this is our last shot... so let's make it a good one.

Releasing it to the Universe

We've had many heavy conversations about our next steps over these past few weeks, debating moving on to donor eggs, or trying one final IVF cycle with my body before moving on to a new option.

There have been moments where I am searching through donor profiles thinking if I could just let go of certain traits, for example, blond hair, or height, maybe this could work. The promise of such high success rates and the hope of feeling a baby grow in my belly is so attractive!

But I was also recently standing in the kitchen one night, during a pause in cooking dinner, with my back to the stove, looking straight at B, holding a towel in one hand and a spatula in the other, sobbing those heaving heavy tears..."I'm NOT ready to give up on my eggs! Not yet. I like me! I want "my" baby. I need closure and I don't have that yet"

Back and forth, around and around, letting it stir in my head, in my dreams, consuming and devouring my thoughts and energy...

And then last Sunday, we had brunch at our favorite Indian buffet with our good friends. I don't think the conversation was very baby focused, and in fact I'm having trouble actually recalling much of what was said. But on our way back home in the car, during a pause in conversation, I looked at B and calmly said, "Can we try one... last... time?"

And he decidedly confirmed, "Yes"

And so, with that, and a quiet release of the heaviness, our decision has been made.

One. Last. Time.....

Did you hear me, universe?

One.

Last.

Time.

My Brain

I'm still wading in my emotions right now and I want to come out. I want to be free of this journey but the only way to be free is to keep going through. But its really thick right now... and heavy. Its like a muddy sloppy trek through a thick dark forest and I can't see the end and I'm carrying a big pack filled with my gear that makes each step a struggle. The gear I carry with me is all the research I've done, all the statistics and protocol variations, all of the what ifs of cycles past and donor eggs of the future, all of the money spent and the knowledge of the money to be spent.

This journey can suck the life out of you  if you let it. Many of us who are multiple IVFers have found ourselves here, with a new set of sadness and struggles. We're past that point of the initial infertility shock and loss and failure. We're the veterans, the ones who's hope fades from time to time, who are past that shining star of the promise of their first or even second IVF.

I'm not saying our pain is any more than the pain of those who are successful on their first IVF cycle, let alone their first IUI, but I'm just saying we're at a different point in this journey.... Considering 4th, 5th IVF cycles, donor eggs, adoptions...

I think its different because we have to face the real possibility that we will never see our own biological child. (And I do know some face this without even attempting IVF... so please don't take this as anything other than one experience/perspective). That was not in view with my first IVF cycle 2 years ago, even our second... But now, its real. Its SO real that it hurts like hell. I've grieved that I can't conceive a baby the natural way, that I've made peace with. But now I'm grieving the possible loss of  my genetic child.

It makes me wonder how many of us are there? What percent of people make it this far? What percent are successful with their first IVF or with their first IUI? Am I the norm or am I the exception?

Anyways, B and  I spent a half hour at our clinic last night looking through donor egg profiles. It was a heavy night. It didn't feel right yet. It felt sad and strange and somewhat wrong. So I think that just confirms I'm not ready to make decisions yet.

We did however, lay out all the options the other night and here's what came out as when I tried to organize the mess in my brain.  Remember those old anti-drug commercials with the scrambled egg in a frying pan saying "This is your brain on drugs", well...

This is your brain on infertility:

For the math geeks in the audience,  I even calculated the probability weighted cost for each option (not pictured)

Ramblings

First, I wanted to say THANK YOU! I have more than 50 followers! Yippee! Thanks for following my story. It really means a lot to me. And so do all of your comments. I love the blogging world for the community it has built for those of us walking this path. It helps me realize that I am not alone and that there are others out there who have walked this path before and have succeeded. And it gives me strength to keep walking and hoping that one day my dream will come true, in some form. So thank you, deeply from my heart. I hope that I have been able to support you as well.

Next goal... 75! or shoot, should I try for 100???

Secondly, thanks so much for helping me decide which blog post to enter into the Creme de la Creme contest. I asked you for your help last week and the clear winner for my entry is "The Hot Pink Paperweight". Wish me luck!

Ok, so where are we with our next steps, you ask? I'm still not sure. All I know is that I need to make a decision because this limbo is eating away at me. I feel anxious, I'm not sleeping well and I feel like I could scream at most everyone who is in my way or does something that irritates me just a little bit.

For the last week or so, we've been heavily weighing our options. They mostly come down to either  trying one last time with my body or moving on to donor eggs. We've considered adoption and its just not a door we want to open at this time. But as I consider these options, I get a little voice in my head that still doesn't believe that I'm here... I still don't believe that we've been at this for almost 4 years, that we've tried multiple IUIs, IVF, diet changes, immune testing, exploratory laparoscopy, yoga, acupuncture, 'not trying', 'relaxing' (and PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX)... And nothing has worked.

And so we are still here, still trying. But the tables have turned on us. No longer do we fit into the group that has a high likelihood of IVF working. We are now in that group of, "Yeah, you could give it another try, but a better bet with your money is adoption or donor eggs"... I'm sure like others of you who have been give the same talk, there's a part of you that is in shock, hurt, deflated, and then there's another part of you that just turns to stone, and doesn't believe, and doesn't understand really what this means.

And when you finally do get a small glimpse in your head of what this means, that this could mean that we aren't going to end up with a full genetically linked child, that we are going to have to grieve that loss and figure out how too and who to tell... well, I guess I can't just expect myself to make a decision and be happy with it. Either way, it sucks.

On one hand, we can try one last time with my body, but statistically we'd be throwing away a lot of $$ that we could be using towards the donor eggs or adoption. On the other hand, I don't want to regret not giving it one last shot, with a protocol that would be tailored to MY body and not a clinical trial protocol (like my last study), and with other methods that might help the potential immune issues as well... one... last.... try...

Anyways, I'm rambling, but it is a true picture of what is going on in my head. I only hope that I can sort it out soon and find my way back to peace.

One Good Egg

The first month or so after a failed IVF cycle are filled with so many emotions and thoughts racing through my head that they really clog up my ability to find peace. I'm constantly battling in my head between next steps. Should we try one last time with my eggs? Should we look more into donor eggs? Or should we adopt?

These I guess are my new options. After my WTF appointment with the study doctor (RE #5), I had all of my records sent to my doctor here in town (RE #2 - IVF #1&2.. and who we'd go back to if we tried more). She's fantastic. I really like the way she communicates and thinks about these things. She's smart, knows the research well, lets me give her my thoughts on the research and she's honest. I had a follow up with her last Friday. We sat and talked for about a half hour about her thoughts. She said that while it is likely the protocol wasn't good for my body, and potentially it could have just been an off month for me, when the embryologist in the study mentioned that my eggs were 'spongy and grainy', it confirmed her thoughts as to why my first 2  IVF cycles failed. Once again... sucky eggs. Everything else looks just about perfect for my age, except my egg quality.

She would agree to try one last time with my eggs, but the chances of success, from her opinion are only 5%.  FIVE.... PERCENT!

Shit.

I've now entered into a whole new world. A whole new thing to have to grieve and figure out how to process and come to terms with.

On the brighter side, she said, donor eggs would yield about a 70% chance of success, which is very attractive, but we're not there yet. I've spent a few hours here and there over the past few weeks researching donor eggs, as it's never been on my radar before. Now that it is, I need to understand it before we can make a decision if this or adoption is the next best step for us.

So far, I've found the donor egg world is just SO overwhelming (granted so is adoption, but we've looked into that already somewhat and so are comfortable with that... to the extent we can be). I've found myself this past week looking at all sorts of people I pass at work, or in the grocery store, or at the gas station... worrying about, what if we pick a donor, and our baby looks like THAT!  Or what if our baby is ugly and I don't love it. I know these might seem like irrational fears to some of you, they also might seem very bitchy, but I assure you if you were in this situation, the first time you even let this idea of donor eggs enter your head, you'd go through the same thoughts. I know there are a lot of positives to this choice too, but I'm not there right now.

Currently, today, I'm really attached to my hair and my legs (figuratively AND literally ;-) )  They are two of my favorite traits and I really wanted to be able to pass those along to my child. Again, while this is not important in the whole scheme of things its something little that I'll have to let go of. Is this selfish? I don't even know. I'm so confused internally right now with the feelings I'm having. Is it important enough for me to possibly experience pregnancy and carry my child to do this? What about the donor, what responsibilities do I have to her? And then all the fears of, should this be the option we choose, and should it work, how do you tell your child and when and what will they think and ....?

My brain is spinning and I'm still trying to figure out a way in my head to do one last cycle with my body, even though logically, financially this doesn't make sense. But I'm an addict in some way. I think many of us who go through multiple IVF cycle are. We're addicted to the hope of maybe... just maybe... we'll find that one good egg. And our dreams will come true.

Family Affair

I love having all of my family around me for this cycle. Its what I'm going to focus on to get me through the anxiety and fear of IVF. Its also amazingly convenient that a few of them live a few blocks away from the clinic that I have to go to every morning to get my blood drawn and ultrasounds taken.

So here's many of the ways that my wonderful family is helping me through this:

First, I stayed with my parents in the burbs during the first few days of the cycle when I didn't have to be at the clinic every day. There my mom took me with her to the gym on her guest pass. She did a load of my laundry. We went to visit my grandma who I haven't seen in a while. And I also got to sleep in a very comfy new bed and had some quiet time to myself.

Now that I have to be at the clinic every day here on out until retrieval, I will be in the city with my sisters and brother. Each of them is contributing in their own way. My brother is letting me use his extra parking space so I don't have to pay a butt load of $$ every day in the city. My sister is letting me camp out at her apartment during the day so I can work remotely in a peaceful environment with an amazing view of the Sears Tower, across the street from a grocery store with a fantastic salad bar I can go to for lunch, and across from a chocolate factory (YES!!!) that gives me yummy smells every time I walk out the door. My other sister is letting me sleep at her place when she's away on a trip so I have a quiet place to call home base and lay my head.

Then, the day before retrieval, I'll move back to my parents place in the burbs so that B and the pup can come down and stay with me. Also, I will be able to rest in a space I know to be comforting after the procedure. I will stay there until after the transfer (assuming we make it to transfer... as you know, nothing is guaranteed in IVF) and then head back to my usual life up north for the remainder of the wait.

While this all may sound very complicated to you, its so nice to be able to live the city life for a few days and spend some good every day time with my family. No frills, no expectations, just living a daily life. I like that. Its comforting, warming ... and I hope, dear baby, that you can see, how much this family wants you to be here, how much they are willing to do to help you enter our lives... as fast as you can.

---------------------------------------------------------------
p.s - For those of you who understand cycle speak: after 4 days of stims (300u follistim, antagonist protocol) I definitely have a good number of eggs growing! I've got about 4 or so on each ovary that are measuring at  12mm-ish and then another 3-4 visible ones on each. So, hoping for maybe a good 12 eggs to make it out of retrieval! I don't get estradiol updates until later in the process, so I have no clue how they really are doing, but keep those fingers crossed. Today I started ganirelix and will be going in for b/w and u/s every day here on out. I really like this protocol better than the agonist (or long lupron) suppression one. It seems easier on my body and more in tune with my cycle rather than forcing something something. Hopefully the difference in protocol will do the trick. Oh, and all that other stuff I'm doing (metformin, yoga, acupuncture, diet changes, supplements, extra B-vitamins..... the list... its large!)

For those of you who want to learn what all of these protocols are, I found a good visual to help. Happy reading!

Game On!

I was going to write about how hectic and unplanned this day was, and how I was missing the remainder of the seminar I was in that I had been anxious about but was actually enjoying and felt really bad about missing. I was going to focus on all of the things that didn't go how I thought they would go today...

But instead, I'm going to focus on the following:

What I learned today:
I learned that I am officially in the free IVF study! I learned that my blood work came back stellar and that I get to start stims.... TOMORROW!!!

What I did well today:
I used the tools that I learned in the seminar to help get my mind out of the usual spiral I go down in my head when I feel like I'm letting people down and worry about what people will think when I didn't do something I was supposed to do. With the help of a new friend, I focused on what I'm excited about and what a great opportunity I have with this cycle.

3 Things I'm grateful for today:
1) B...for bearing with my emotions, freak outs, crying spats and hysterical laughter. And also for what he will bear in the upcoming months. He is my rock
2) Zoe (my pooch)... for being a constant companion, mood lifter, and sympathiser
3) That I have this chance at an IVF cycle, free of charge, another chance to be a step closer to being pregnant.

How am I going to be the best IVF patient this time around:
I am going to acknowledge that I need to be selfish through this and take time for myself and B so we can go through this as mindful as possible. I'm not going to freak out about all of the details that I can not control. I am going to trust that my body will do the absolute best that it can and that no matter what happens, we will survive through this, and find something to be happy about.

-----

On another note, as I mentioned above, I was not hating the seminar that I was so freaked out about. There was not any more parenting talk than a normal day at the office, so I was able to handle it. And... it turns out the instructor had secondary infertility and was never able to conceive a second child. She shared this with me because I approached her before the class to tell her my background and fear after reading the parenting book for homework. She eased my fears and thanked me for being so open.

And I thought to myself, how crazy is that, huh? Serendipitous? The universe sure sends you things that you need at just the right time.

Homework Sucks

I love when the world nudges you to rise above your emotional hangups and fears... (heavy sarcasm!)

Recall, if all goes well, I should be able to begin shots for IVF # 3 around Oct 10th or so. The week prior to this, I get to spend 3.5 days in a class on management called "Pathways". Has anyone heard of this?

I was actually looking forward to it. I thought it would be fun to get to know my fellow peers in management a bit better and also learn a different perspective on what I do so I can be a better leader. I'm sure its going to be one of those 'touchy feely' type ice breaker classes, with skits and such, that I haven't really done since girlscout camp, but I was still looking forward to it...

... until today, when I got our 'homework' assignment to be completed before class begins on Tuesday of next week. Here's the assignment: Read the first 6 chapters of the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give to my Childern".

Really? Seriously?  You want me to read a book on parenting, and then discuss it with a whole bunch of parents, in a room, for 3.5 days, all while I'm trying to stay zen for my IVF cycle the following week?

COME ON!

Needless to say, I'm dreading being in that room now, fearing that I will just sit there and want to cry. Especially when former participants have told me that people really do open up in that class, to the extent that others have cried! But I really don't want to cry about this, not in front of the people I work with.

Please give me strength to make it through this class!

All Clear!

Just a quick update...

I had my SHG yesterday (a fluid ultrasounds that looks at the lining of your uterus to check for fibroids or any other things that shouldn't be there) and everything looked good, "picture perfect" as they say. I also had my final bloodwork done to check a few other hormone levels and those came back in the right range too.

So monday I will let the IVF study coordinator know the results and I'll likely be given the go-ahead to start my meds when I get my next period, in about 3 weeks.

The reality of a cycle is looming upon me. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it, but I do know that if things didn't come back clear yesterday, I would likely have been dissapointed. So that must mean at some level I'm excited. I guess I really should be, right? How often does one have the chance to do a free IVF cycle (for those of us in the self-pay world), huh?

I think I'm still in protective mode. I know the emotional challenges an IVF cycle can hold and maybe I'm just saving up my intensity for then.

.. or MAYBE, I've learned enough about living in the present moment that I'll be able to be 'zen' through this all... hmmmm... likely not, but hey, a girl can dream :-)

Consultation Update

I traveled to Chicago last friday for an appointment with the clinic that is performing an efficacy study on a particular IVF drug. The study is in phase III of the clinical trial and if you know what that means, you'll know that they've already shown this drug to be effective as the one it is being compared to (daily injections of Follistim) and they now just need to validate previous results in an older population. And yeah for me, being "old" is actually a good thing for this.  What's more exciting is that if I get in I will have an all expense paid IVF cycle. (I'd rather that sentence read "an all expense paid trip to Hawaii"... or something like that. But alas, one has to accept where one is at in their life, right?)

And everything seemed to go well. I'm basically in! I fit all the criteria and pending a few more blood tests, semen analysis and a sonohystogram (sometimes called a fluid ultrasound), which I expect should go well, I'm IN!!! This means I could be poking myself with needles in early October! WHEEEEE! (Never thought I'd write that sentence either... lol!)

I'm feeling pretty calm about it all right now, but am sure as time grows nearer, my anxiety level and emotions get a little out of wack. We'll see.

So, keep your fingers crossed and pray that the rest of our blood tests turn out well and we'll be back in the cycling game shortly! I'll keep you posted.

Plans A, B & C

Can you still call it a plan A if you've already tried and failed at other attempts? If you have already exhausted plan A, B and C? Ok, so maybe its plan D, E and F... Whatever it is, we've got PLANS!!!

Over the past month or so, we've poured (ok, I... who am I kidding.. I've poured) over test results and research and second and third opinions. I've had countless vials of blood drawn. I've schemed to get as many of the tests covered as I possibly can by my insurance and I've spent way too many hours on the internet consulting Dr. Google. With all this information, I've even created a spreadsheet of possible causes, issues and next steps (maybe I'll add it to this post later...) And from this, a path, not necessarily clear, but a path nonetheless has formed. And I'm very excited to get back on the trail.

So here's the plan(s)....

Plan A: Metformin. One additional thing that came out of all of these blood tests other than the immune results, is that it seems as though I'm insulin resistant, which simply means that my body's cells do not process the signals from insulin properly and it needs more than the average person to get the point. Because of this, many things can happen in women, including PCOS, weight gain, among others... luckily I don't have those, but I do have hormone imbalances that are shown by adult acne (yuck) and oilier than average skin along with spotting before my period and throw in some anxiety for good measure. All of these things are signs that my hormones aren't working quite right. So Metformin, along with exercise and a low gylcemic index diet, helps your body re-sensitize itself to insulin. Then, the hope  is that the female hormone system should go back into balance. There's also lots of evidence showing insulin resistance is highly correlated with inflammation (not sure which causes which, but they occur very often together) and thus an explanation for implantation failure. So I started Metformin yesterday, as a pill at mealtimes, and I'l be on that indefinitely.

Plan B: I'm pre-screened to be in a FREE IVF study!!! Yippee! Its not the ideal protocol for me (too technical to get into here), but its a FREE cycle. So I'm going to attempt to make it through to transfer. Because it is a study being sponsored by a pharmaceutical company, I have to quite a few different hoops to jump through, the first of which is a final screening consultation with one of the REs running the study, which is occurring on August 27th. After that, if I pass certain blood tests, I will then be able to start taking meds and growing eggs and hopefully if I grow enough, I will make it to retrieval and we can try another transfer!!!

While I am excited about this study, I'm also cautious because 1) the FSH dose is lower than I've been on with my other two IVF cycles, so I won't make as many eggs and 2) there will not be anything else allowed into my body for help with the potential immune issues that I have. But its a free cycle and I might as well give it a shot, right?

Then, if neither of those work,... Plan C: We're going to try (and have to pay for :-( ) one last IVF cycle here with my local RE... with 2 twists...1) We'll add in some meds to help with the potential immune issues to aid implantation, and 2) we're hoping that we make enough good quality embryos to transfer into both me AND a gestational carrier (more on this in a later post)... AT THE SAME TIME!!! eep!

My thoughts behind this double transfer are as follows: We don't have endless amounts of money to continue with IVF cycle after IVF cycle. We're fortunate to be able to think about affording one more, however, we have to draw the line somewhere. Also, if we do use a GC, I'd like to be able to transfer a fresh embryo, rather than frozen, because the odds of implantation and a successful pregnancy are increased, thus being more cost effective. And finally, I want to at try some of the immune interventions at least once for me, but we simply can't afford to do 2 more IVF cycles, especially if we are going to pay more for a surrogate in the end... So I think that this double transfer is the most cost effective and highest probability of success in one shot. And yes, we would be THRILLED to have "twins"

I'm so excited to have a plan back in place. I feel at peace again and am more hopeful that I've been in a while. It worries me of course that the peace is really just a false sense of hope, because I'm putting up another wall or two in front of my future. But I find comfort in these walls.

And I'm going to need that comfort because this fall is going to be a wild ride! Get ready....

An Article Moved Me to "Come Out"

I was sent this article from the Self Magazine by a friend who has followed our journey from afar through this blog from time to time. She read the article and she wanted to share it with me, like hey, when I read this, I thought of you guys.

In my head I was thinking, oh yeah, it's probably just another short, detailed-lacking article about some celebrity who went through many treatments and finally had success. Some article that just ever so slightly brushes over the struggle and cost that this journey can be but happily shows the successful picture of her new addition or additions to the family.

But after I read it, I felt energized and moved to action. The article was very detailed and talked way more in depth about the internal emotional struggle and in the insurance and science worlds. It moved me enough to make the decision to 'come out' to my friends on facebook and share my blog with everyone. I feel strongly that this cause should get more attention for the following reasons:

1. We need to come out to let others out there know that we're out here too! This is a very isolating struggle and we need to support each other.
2. We need to come out to let others in our lives know how to support us in this struggle since we really do need strength from all around us.
3. We need to come out to help the science get better. By getting involved in advocating for Infertility, hopefully we can push more and more studies to be done to answer these 'unexplained' cases of infertility, and help success rates increase.

So, for all of you who are just joining me and B on our journey to build our family, WELCOME! I hope you can learn from this struggle of ours by following us as we continue on this road. I don't want you to feel offended or that I am trying to make others feel badly by writing this. I just mostly want to share this perspective. Its not the right perspective. Its simply mine, in all of its jaded and battle-weary glory.

For those of you who have been along for the ride thus far, I so appreciate your wonderful comments and support and want you to know it has meant the world to us. 

I hope you all take a bit of time to read the article I linked to above, but if you don't, here's a few of the points in it that really struck me:

• Infertility IS a disabilty.
• Infertility can cause humiliation at spending tens of thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it.
• Once successful, people want to forget and often don't support others who are going through it.
• The insurance industry likens infertility treatments to cosmetic surgery - its a want, but not a need.
• Only 15 states mandate some form of coverage for treatments.
• An average IVF cycle cost around $12,400 out of pocket.
• Even with IVF covered by insurance, women still opt out of the treatment. Its just too stressful. Here's an example:  Last year, researchers at Harvard Medical School found 34% of patients under 40 yrs old WITH insurance for at least 3 IVF cycles dropped out after only 1 or 2 and 68% of patients older than 40 gave up before exhausting their coverage. 
• Isolation is a defense mechanism against overload. Its not a good thing, but its what infertility patients do to protect themselves. 
• There are the same rates of depression and anxiety in infertility patients as there are in cancer patients.
• There is a stigma to infertility that somehow you are less of a person. That stigma has to come completely off. Patients need to start shouting from the rooftops.

So here I am, shouting from the biggest rooftop I can climb to right now. Thank you facebook! (Even thought I bashed you a month ago ;-) )

2 Trains,1 Platform, only 2 Feet

You know when you have a choice to make, you could go one way or the other, and you can't make up your mind? I have felt that way for a long time about adoption. I feel like I have one foot on the adoption train, and the other foot, plus my whole body, clinging to the pole at the station which is representing IVF.

We do indeed have one solid foot on the adoption train..... We picked an adoption agency and put some money down for place on their 'pre'-waiting list. What does that mean you ask? It means that once we get to the top of the list, and we have our home study and couple profile complete, we are eligible to be the next couple into the pool of potential adoptive parents that birth families see.

Its exciting, but like I said, its a foot, and not the whole body/mind, yet. We can get a full refund. And that's what I'm holding on to right now.

My mind right now and the majority of my daily actions are focused on my blood test result and trying to figure out how we can afford another IVF cycle and if its worth trying, if the tests indicated any sort of diagnosis, and if the success rate for that diagnosis and my age and history is high enough at the new clinic we are considering.

But then today, another train pulled into the statin. Its on the other side of the platform, heading in the opposite direction as the adoption train. But in order to put my foot on that new train, I think I need to take it off the adoption train.... B and I actually discussed the idea today of finding a gestational carrier (GC), aka a womb to rent, instead of pursuing adoption. And we both kind of got excited about it. Way more in fact than the first time we talked about adoption.

And now my head is spinning in all different directions, and I'm not sure where to go next. I'm not sure where each train is heading and what the schedule is... when will it arrive at its destination? Which one should I take? Or should I even go? Maybe just stay put for a while in the IVF platform?

I guess, as B says wisely, "No need to make life decisions today." So I'll sit with 2 trains in the station for a bit longer and keep mulling it over, but knowing for the first time in a while that I feel like I have a 3rd option that brings me some more joy than the 2 that I currently face.

Cover Me... I'm Going In!

As I alluded to in my previous post, I'm considering doing another IVF cycle. I had a free phone consult with a doctor about 3.5 hours south who specializes in working with women like me... women without a real explanation of why all of those beautiful blasts never decided to stick around my uterus and hang out for 9 months.

The RE was really nice. We talked for about a half hour about my case. She called it 'compelling'. I think that made me smile, but I'm now not sure why. Regardless, she wants me to do a whole bunch of blood-work to test for possible signs that my immune system is attacking the little embryos when they try to stick and/or to test to see if B's genes are too similar to mine and as a result our embryos aren't recognized properly by my body. Neither of these are widely accepted methods of treatment yet in the US because there has not been a lot of randomized clinical trials, but it works for some women. And I think I'm in a place where I need to see this through. As scary as jumping back into the IVF game sounds to me, adoption right now is even scarier. AND, I'm not doing so well at not having a plan.

So, here I stand, potentially creating another wall to hide the view of my future.

A wise woman in my support group once told me, "No decision you make is permanent. If you are too scared to make a decision, try it on for a while. Live with it and feel what life is like with that decision. Understand what it means. But know that you can always take it back if you don't like it."

I feel like I'm at the return counter as we speak, "Can I exchange my 'No more ART decision' for that lovely '$14K IVF' model over there? Thanks."

But really, I'm heading back to war. Back to a battle with timing, appointments, shots, highs, hope, lows, debt...  diving back into the IVF trenches, ready to fight again, unsure of the outcome, fearful of the defeat, but optimistic enough to try once again. Because as I currently sit here on the sidelines, I feel helpless and edgy. I feel like my hands are tied and I want nothing more than to win the war and bring my baby home. So like the title says... Cover me, I'm going in!

P.S. - do you like the new look of the blog?