I don't know why I torture myself. Its like a trainwreck really, I can't look away, but I really really want to.
Facebook is like this for the "sub-fertiles" of the world. Even after you've hidden all of your mommy friends because seeing cute pictures of their adorable children and learning all about the time of day they are awake breast feeding their adorable infants makes you feel sad, jealous and left out of a world you may never be a part of...you still aren't safe. The lucky fertiles out there still find their way to sneak into your newsfeed. And when they do, that sting returns.
Yesterday I found out a member of B's extended family is pregnant via facebook. She got married just 6 months ago and yesterday announced, "... we've got ao bun in the oven. We're SUPER DUPER excited."
And I'm "SUPER DUPER" jealous.... I'll never be that person who gets to have that joy and blissfully ignorant view of pregnancy and the ease at wich it happens. I'll never be that person who doesn't carry around the emotional and physical battle scars of years of trying to get pregnant that wound parts of your soul you never knew were there. I'll never be that person who can actually plan when they want to have their childern.
I'm jealous, and it makes me mad at myself! Which is the last thing I need right now, self-deprevation. I don't want to be jealous anyomre. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I don't know how not be. I guess maybe I just need to acknowledge those feelings, let myself feel them, and then try to let them pass and not hold onto the sadness and jealousy.
But facebook sure doesn't make that easy.
At least it feels good to place blame somewhere... Stupid facebook.
Down with FB!! It's not for the faint of heart or those who are living child-free (unwillingly) I de-activated my account today for this very reason. The world is not sensitive to our kind and I'm fed up! I'm sorry you are feeling the jealousy. I am too. It feels ugly and I don't like it but it's really hard to make that feeling go away. Hang in there women and maybe a good FB detox would do you some good. :)
ReplyDeleteEven though I do have a son (via adoption) I still completely know how you feel. I am infertile. Most(fertile) people think that adoption cures infertility and even though I love my son more than the air I breathe, seeing all the sonogram pics that I will never experience, seeing the BFP pics of POAS..and now the fact that I am going to be a 'great aunt' in Decemeber has just about sent me over the edge. Jealousy has gotten easier for me over my 19+ years of battling IF, but I never thought I would see the day that the niece I fed, diapered and held would ever get pregnant before me. Life has to go on somehow, I just never thought I wouldn't get to feel it growing inside me.
ReplyDeleteFB can be brutal. IF is just so unfair.