"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

11 June 2010

Cover Me... I'm Going In!

As I alluded to in my previous post, I'm considering doing another IVF cycle. I had a free phone consult with a doctor about 3.5 hours south who specializes in working with women like me... women without a real explanation of why all of those beautiful blasts never decided to stick around my uterus and hang out for 9 months.

The RE was really nice. We talked for about a half hour about my case. She called it 'compelling'. I think that made me smile, but I'm now not sure why. Regardless, she wants me to do a whole bunch of blood-work to test for possible signs that my immune system is attacking the little embryos when they try to stick and/or to test to see if B's genes are too similar to mine and as a result our embryos aren't recognized properly by my body. Neither of these are widely accepted methods of treatment yet in the US because there has not been a lot of randomized clinical trials, but it works for some women. And I think I'm in a place where I need to see this through. As scary as jumping back into the IVF game sounds to me, adoption right now is even scarier. AND, I'm not doing so well at not having a plan.

So, here I stand, potentially creating another wall to hide the view of my future.

A wise woman in my support group once told me, "No decision you make is permanent. If you are too scared to make a decision, try it on for a while. Live with it and feel what life is like with that decision. Understand what it means. But know that you can always take it back if you don't like it."

I feel like I'm at the return counter as we speak, "Can I exchange my 'No more ART decision' for that lovely '$14K IVF' model over there? Thanks."

But really, I'm heading back to war. Back to a battle with timing, appointments, shots, highs, hope, lows, debt...  diving back into the IVF trenches, ready to fight again, unsure of the outcome, fearful of the defeat, but optimistic enough to try once again. Because as I currently sit here on the sidelines, I feel helpless and edgy. I feel like my hands are tied and I want nothing more than to win the war and bring my baby home. So like the title says... Cover me, I'm going in!

P.S. - do you like the new look of the blog?


  1. LOVE the look of the new blog.

    Also, I like that advice about decisions, it's so true. You can make all the decisions you want and then wait to act on them until they feel absolutely right.

  2. If it makes you feel any better, we said we were done after 4 IVFs, but we are moving onto #5. Feeling more like a prisoner of war than fighting a war these days :p

    I think it is worth while to check into immune issues. Your phone consult wasn't by chance with a nice lady RE in Evanston, IL, was it? Just curious b/c that's who I see for treatment of activated natural killer cells.

    Best of luck to you!

  3. Libby, no, I had one w/ SIRM in Peoria, IL because the consult was free. I was going to call 2 different ones in the Chicago area (Kwak Kim and Coulam) but didn't want to spend all that extra $$ for a consult if I'm goign to have to pay $$$ to just get the testing done. I'm self pay. No insurance in WI for fertility issues. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm betting I have higher NK cells too. We'll see how the bloodwork comes back. Should be interesting.

  4. Beautiful new look, girl!

    And...you're totally covered. ;-)


  5. I had actually thought of talking to SIRM since the consult was free. I still may since we haven't decided on a new clinic yet. I see Dr. Coulam just for the NK issues but recently had an appointment with her to talk about doing IVF for us too since they have one of the highest success rates in my area. She once worked for SIRM and is the one who discovered the intralipid treatment for NK cells. That said, I'm pretty sure you get the same tests and treatment through SIRM. Hope you get some answers. I think that's the most frustrating thing about IF - not having answers.

  6. i'll cover you, too. xoxo.

  7. I just came across your blog and although i haven't read all your old posts, I am so very sorry for all you have been through. I can relate in so many ways. We have been TTC for almost 3 years. My cycles were wacky and found DH had sperm issues. We skipped IUI and went straight to IVF. Like you, in my first 2 IVF cycles, I was a good responder and made good eggs and had good looking blastocysts. However, I DID get pregnant. First time miscarried at 5 weeks, next time miscarried twins at 10 weeks. Went through 2 more IVF cycles, both BFN's. Just before this past cycle, I pushed my RE to do some additional testing - wasn't excited about more lab fees, more needles, and my RE really didn’t think it was necessary, but I just felt like something else was going on. We found my husband was a balanced translocation carrier, which basically means two of his chromosomes had pieces broken off that had flip-flopped with one another. So, end result is that he is normal, but when we go to make a baby, the chances of abnormalities/miscarriage are high. At first, I was relieved to hear this news – I finally had an answer as to WHY this was happening. But, then reality set in that this is yet another challenge to contend with. This past cycle we used PGD to identify the embryos with the translocation and we only transferred embryos that were balanced/normal. We had 2 balanced/normal embryos, but it still didn't work. We are on break now - feeling like we'll try once more, but definitely coming to the end of our rope. Just wanted to comment as it sounds like you are currently going through autoimmune testing.