I don't have a wall in front of me right now and I kind of wish I did.
Let me explain.
After 'cycling' for almost 2 years (cycling is the affectionate term for actively trying to get pregnant, especially with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist), I often felt like with each cycle, at the beginning with all of the hope and excitement surrounding how many follicles I had, how great my hormone levels are, how many awesome swimmer B has, I would see in my future path, a big wall. I can't see through the wall, but I hope as hard as hell that on the other side of the wall is my baby.
I knocked down my last wall this past September and once again, there was nothing was there.
But since then, I had another plan, and a tiny wall was erected. I knew there was no baby on the other side, mostly, but it was still a nice wall, blocking the view of my future. Most importantly, blocking an empty view of my future w/o any biological children. This most recent wall was the laparoscopy. I knew it wasn't going to produce me a baby, but at least it was an upcoming event that I could focus my energies on and hope for an answer to this madness.
Its somewhat blissful in fact, with a wall in front of you... Its hopeful. Even after many many months of walls that are broken down w/ no baby behind them, you still think... maybe..... could be... yeah, maybe its this one... And so before you break down that wall, you are at peace.
But right now, I don't have any walls in front of me. Right now, because we don't have any looming cycles (IUIs, IVFs.... what have you) in front of us (I just CAN'T get the energy or money up to do it... too many resources to muster w/ too much at stake), I'm anxious... I'm sad... I'm fearful...I'm heavy. What if I don't have any more walls in front of me ever again? What if we just decide to stop? What if a baby doesn't magically appear in front of me?
Its hard to be on the other side of a wall without knowing when/if another will come along and help you stay peaceful and present. I guess I'm supposed to figure out how to do that myself. Ugh...
i totally know where you're at. i used a slightly different metaphor ( http://riftraft.jayandcarissa.com/?p=11 ) but it's the exact same feeling--that "now what?" question that looms over your head and threatens to swallow you up every minute of every day.
ReplyDeleteyou will get through this. not unscathed, not unchanged, but you will get through this. and I'm here to lean on when you need a shoulder or a listening ear. the next wall is out there, you just have to walk a little further to find it.
When I think of no wall being there, I think of the complete freedom that your baby now has to just magically appear, as you say. No IVF or IUI to wait for.....now he/she can make their way to you. Being open....being vulnerable...staying present, with your attention on that precious soul will produce your baby.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need to be free and clear of the control of ART, your body will respond, your soul will respond, and your baby will say....YES...I'm so glad she's ready now. Here I come, Mama!
Just a thought sweetie. xoxo
Hang in there, sweetie! I know having walls, goals, boundries, dates in the caledar are comforting, but I also know countless people who had their natural miracle exactly WHEN they took their eye off the prize, had no walls to climb, no appointments to make...
ReplyDeleteThey say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results: take comfort in the fact that you are now, definitely in unfamiliar, new territory. I can't wait to here about your unexpected, untimed, unplanned for miracle. -Lisa