"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

19 February 2010

Free (at last?)

We did it!!! Today, we paid off our IVF debt.

We're finally free of the looming credit card balance staring us in the face, taunting us with "ha ha... you still owe me money... and you don't have anything to show for it..."

We're free. Relief. Peace.

But somehow I thought I would feel happier. I thought I would feel a release.

Now, all I feel is a strange sense of finality. Is this it? Are we done? Are our chances gone? Is there hope?

I was in a meeting yesterday at work and and there was a woman in the meeting who is pregnant. She is probably a good 10 years younger than me. She's looks to be about 5 months along, showing, cutely.. but not hugely.. And I didn't feel that pang of sadness. I felt a strange sense of detachment. Like oh, hmmm... I wonder what that's like... a numbness.

I'm sad that I felt that way. I thought I should still feel a sense of longing whenever I see a pregnant woman, a sense of desire and a sense of hope... But right now I feel nothing....

and that scares the crap out of me.

1 comment:

  1. interesting. i feel that way sometimes, but i thought that was just because i'd moved on to adoption. maybe you're emotions are building up the wall of protective indifference?

    i still do feel the pang of jealousy every once in awhile--usually around announcements of pregnancy.

    everyone responds in their own way, and it can change from day to day. don't worry! You'll hurt again someday! :)