"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

02 March 2010

3 Years and a Decision

With the passing of February, we've now been trying to concieve our child for 3 years. That's about 36 tries. As I type this out, 36 doesn't really seem like THAT many, but it feels like ages and ages since we started on this journey. Some in the infertility world would say 3 years is nothing, but right now I'm not even sure I can remember who I was before all of this began...

Actually, I do remember. It was November '06 and B and I made the decision to to start trying the following February. We were heading to a warm, sunny spot over the Christmas holiday and I didn't want to be pregnant because I wanted to drink, and enjoy all the fun things that I couldn't had I been pregnant. How silly was I, huh? Oh, and well, I wanted to wait until the end of February, so that being pregnant wouldn't interfere w/ me taking my November '07 actuarial exam. Because, I thought, I could plan around those things. So we tried for a year, on and off, taking off those months that would be due dates would run into trouble with May and November exams.

And when we didn't get pregnant by the end of '07, I thought, oh well, let's just go to the RE and no biggie, we'll be pregnant in no time... A few pills or shots, a squirt, a whirl and a probe...some waiting and pee-ing on sticks.. and wham... problem solved...

How naive I was. And sometimes how I wish I was still that naive. But unfortunately, I am not. And I would not relive these last 2 years of my life using ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology = IUIs, IVF, FET, ....) for any amount of money.

So we made the decision... We're done... Finished... NO MORE ART...  The only thing that can get us pregnant at this point is the good old fashioned method, plus some stinky Chinese herbs...

...and I'm terrified, sad, in shock that I'm actually here. No more walls in front of me to block an empty view or a view of a reality that I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with. But I can't hide behind the walls anymore and I certainly can't pay all of that money again to have no baby result with no further hope from the doctors. And I finally have my body back into shape and balance after tormenting it with hormones and needles for 2 years.

So we're done. Some anniversary, huh?


  1. Oh, K. I was thinking about February being that milestone for you. Not a milestone I would ever have wanted you to reach. I hope you & B both find peace with this decision.

    It's such a tough road to have come this far. It's made you both who you are today and you will be amazing parents when your baby finally comes home.

  2. Decisions, even very very difficult ones, feel so much better after they're made, don't they? Congratulations on turning the next page in your own story.

    p.s. the captcha word i had to type below was "suckie"--coincidence?? :)

  3. Oh Kathleen...you know my heart is feelin for ya.....I liked what abcgirl said about making a decision. Albeit a "suckie" one (LOL BTW on the captcha word) it IS a decision and that lingering limbo feeling can now subside. No, not a fun anniversary but you will have better anniversaries or better yet birthdays to celebrate in your future. I just know it!