"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

22 March 2010

Unfairness smacks me in the face

As many people going through this struggle will tell you, it's just not fair!!! Unfairness is one of the first sentiments that comes quickly when you begin to realize that getting pregnant is not going to be very easy for you.

You feel like, "How the hell can all those crack-whores get pregnant so often and so easily, while I, healthy, unaddicted, stable income earner who has a nice roof over my head and is in a loving partnership be barren? What the fuck? How is this even fair? WORLD.. do you hear me??? ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!"

And as you work through the grief cycle, you know, the good old Kubler-Ross stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, you do come realize that either 1) The world isn't fair, so suck it up, this is just one of those things in your life that isn't going to go as planned or 2) Fairness really has nothing to do with the reason you aren't getting pregnant because if that were the case, the crack-whores wouldn't have babies, and I would.

And you cycle through these stages in 2 ways... monthly, whenever good old "aunt flo" shows, as well as a nice long 2-3 yr cycle or so as the overarching theme of being infertile gradually sets in because after all, month after month you aren't getting pregnant.

So where am I you ask? I'd like to say I'm pretty close to the acceptance stage, but waver in depression once in a while. I know that this is my journey to travel (ie, no more deinal.. i think 3 years is good enough to let that set in, huh?) and I don't feel bitter towards others who do get pregnant any more (that much) and I have stopped bargaining with the world (please give me a baby, and i promise i'll never read gossip magazines again). So while depression lingers from time to time, for the most part I can live happily (somewhat) in the present as we try to figure out how our family will come into existence.

But tonight, at dinner, Unfairness (ie, the anger piece) came back and smacked me upside the head. We were settling up our bill at the local Mexican restaurant and a woman comes in, not outwardly drunk, but just slightly disheveled enough for me to take notice. She says to the bartender, "Hey! You got 2 for 1 margarita's tonight?" and he replies, "No, but they are half priced." (Get it? It even took me a second.. lol) So she says, "Great, hold on, let me get my son and his friend"). And I'm thinking maybe she has a son who's old enough to drink and they are out celebrating something, some kind of rosy happy reason why a mom and a son would be drinking in a bar together...

But no... no... silly me... there she was, sidling up to the bar, with her middle-school aged, somewhat over-weight, shy and embarrassed looking son in tow, to knock back a few.  And the guy who was ringing up our bill said to us that last time she was in, thing got a little loud. And my heart sunk, because Unfairness had not only smacked me in the face, but ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped it all over the floor... and was probably doing the exact same thing to that little boy. And all I could think was...  please! Please! someone come rescue that little boy and hold him and tell him that his life is going to be ok and his mom isn't doing this because of him, and it's not his fault. And tell him that he should be experiencing a totally different childhood. One filled with a nurturing mother who is there to help him with his school work and cheer him on at his sporting events.... And yes, I do realize that maybe I'm taking the fantasy of this little boy's life a little too far in my head, since I really don't know what is going on, but mostly, I think of all the love and care and comfort and confidence that I can give to child and there is no way in hell I would ever drag my son into a bar to make him watch me get drunk.

And all over again, I think how truly unfair this infertility burden can be when we are faced with all of these tragedies.  And I think to myself, please, won't someone listen to me? When is this joke going to be over? When are we going to get to have a baby of our own, because surely, if that woman can have one, why can't I???

And that's the story of Unfairness smacking me in the face.

And I'll make my way back to Acceptance again soon I know, but every so often, Unfairness has to step back in to remind me its still around.


  1. I am so glad I found your blog. Even though everyone's situation is different (been TTC for 18 months; 10cm endo mass removed from my left ovary) it's just good to know I'm not the only one. I could have written your exact same words!

  2. I'm glad you found it too! I hope this blog helps not only me, but others in this situation feel less alone. I'm sorry for your struggle so far.