I promise one day soon, one of my posts will be a bit more uplifting, but right now, I just have to tell it like it is...
In some ways, I want to thank infertility for helping me become a different person. I'm overall a more peaceful person and I have found my true self again. Things that used to matter and make me anxious don't, because they simply aren't important. The present moment is the only thing that is. And I would not have learned these lessons or had this transformation without this experience.
However, I HATE infertility for making those that love me, hurt. And I HATE infertility the most for making B hurt. I can handle the hurt. I've done it for 3 years. Its not easy, but I know how to live in it. I know how to function. I know how to let it be my pain and know I will feel better in a few hours, days.. whatever. But I don't know how to make B's pain go away.
I think I get it now... I think I get that frustration I've seen in him for years, that helplessness of , "Why can't I make my wife stop crying." or "Why doesn't anything I do help her."
Emotion is simply something you experience and you have to let it work its way through you. And you have to know that you didn't feel that emotion before, and in a while it will be gone, or less, or milder, and eventually you will experience another type of emotion. While you sometimes want someone else to fix it and make it all better, in this situation, there is little that anyone can say to make it better.(Except for "It's positive", or "I'm pregnant", or "Your boys can swim!!!!!)
Today, B has been bombarded with people at work who are either giving birth, very pregnant, or just announcing that their wife is pregnat. And its too much at once. It reminds me of the day a few years ago when I found out at work that 5 people were pregnant.. IN ONE DAY!!!.
So, I am scolding you today Infertility, for making B hurt.
Bad, Bad Infertility... Bad!
You tell it K!!!! I feel your pain B and so does my DH. He too gets bombarded every once in awhile. In his case it's by his teenage students who want to show him their newborns (this happened this week). All he can do it try to smile and hope for the best for that baby. So, have that cry, scream with frustration, and most of all have that beer. We feel your pain and know it well...hang in there. We're thinking about ya!
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