Happy ICLW again! For those of you new to my blog, please see the tab above: Our Journey. Thanks for stopping by.
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And now my Ode:
Oh how I miss you, lovely Progesterone
I miss my thick hair
I miss my clear, smooth skin
I miss non-interrupted sleep
I miss my calm, peaceful demeanor
Oh how I miss you, lovely Progesterone
Won't you come back to stay?
(At least for 9 months???)
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There must really be something to that 'pregnant glow', huh? As my body comes down from the meds from my last failed IVF cycle, I see my normal hormone glitches taking over. My hair feels less full, my skin is more oily, I'm breaking out like a teenager and I'm edgier than hell. These are all signs to me that my natural body rhythms just aren't quite right.
I was talking with my RE about it at my WTF appointment last friday (yes, I still need to fess up about that.... in due time, my pretties) and telling her how much I love being on Progesterone, how calm and healthy I feel. And she tells me that likely my stress hormones are dominating (YA THINK???) and its causing excess androgens, leading to the skin imbalances, among others...Progesterone combats that. Progesterone is just fantastic really, it helps reduce inflammation in the body! It actually is necessary for implantation to allow for the embryo to implant into the uterine lining and not have the immune system get pissed off and kick it out. Its one of amazing little reactions that happen in our bodies when one gets pregnant, or so I'm told.
Anyways, enough of the science lesson. For now, I'm just wishing that my body was still happily puffed up from the progesterone, anxious about our next steps, and aching to feel a baby growing inside me...
Showing posts with label ICLW. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ICLW. Show all posts
21 February 2011
21 January 2011
I Thought I Told You to Stop Thinking!
(A quick aside before I get to my blog post: HAPPY ICLW! I can't believe how quickly these months are passing. Welcome to new readers. You'll see a few tabs at the top of my blog to learn a bit about me. I'm so glad you're here :-) )
In my last post, I decided to stop thinking and just do.
Easier said than done.
I had my monitoring appointment yesterday, after 6 days of stims. This are going well from the follicle side. I have about 12 measurable follicles and a few more unmeasurable ones. However, as soon as I saw those girls on the ultrasound monitor, I could see that things weren't ideal. Some of the follicles were a bit bigger than we had expected them to be at this point, which means that potentially my progesterone might start to increase before we wanted it to. The size of the follicles doesn't necessarily determine this, but my history does.
You see, with IVF #1& 2, I had premature lutenization. A big scary word that manifests in progesterone rising too soon before retrieval of the eggs. To boil it down to lay-mans terms, when progesterone starts to increase too soon in one's cycle, it causes the uterine lining to be less receptive to the embryo and decreases pregnancy rates. It's potentially also a precursor to ovarian failure. I've found conflicting viewpoints on this topic. It seems that some RE's concern themselves with progesterone levels as an IVF cycler nears trigger and retrieval, and others don't. My RE's have actually written and published articles on it, and so, yes, they do concern themselves.
So I have to go back in on Sunday for a check on the growth of the follicles and my progesterone and estrogen levels. Based on those, we will either trigger that day for a retrieval on Tuesday or stim for a day or two more.
One of the ways to overcome this uterine receptivity issue is to do what's called a 'freeze-all'... so we'll get the eggs out of me, fertilize them with B's swimmers and then freeze all of the embryos and wait to transfer them until the next cycle where we can line up my progesterone levels accordingly. This is easy to do in a frozen cycle since I'm taking a drug to stop me from growing any follicles/eggs, and therefore no progesterone production that we can't control.
So that's an easy fix...but now I'm just a mess in my head. I wish there was a clear cut answer as to what to do and I so wish that for once my progesterone would just stay put. But I know that I can't control that, so I'm going to have to try to control my busy head. I'm waking up in the morning swirling with thoughts of what ifs and should haves. Man, I wish this was easier. I wish that my ovaries just sucked and didn't produce any eggs. I probably would have given up on my body by now and have moved on to another option and be either happily pregnant with a donor embryo or be working towards adoption. Instead, the fact that I have a lot of eggs makes me continue down this path of my own genetics, searching for a needle in a haystack. UGH!!!
So now all I can do is think.... what if we stim too long and my egg quality sucks. What if my progesterone is too high on Sunday at my next monitoring appointment and we miss the chance to transfer a fresh embryo? Our success rate automatically decreases. What if we don't have any good quality eggs to freeze if we can't transfer fresh? Why does my body do this? Should we be monitoring every day? EEEEEk!!!!!!!! My head is spinning and I need to stop!
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breath in
Breathe out
Anyone out there encounter this issue and have success??? Please tell me so?
In my last post, I decided to stop thinking and just do.
Easier said than done.
I had my monitoring appointment yesterday, after 6 days of stims. This are going well from the follicle side. I have about 12 measurable follicles and a few more unmeasurable ones. However, as soon as I saw those girls on the ultrasound monitor, I could see that things weren't ideal. Some of the follicles were a bit bigger than we had expected them to be at this point, which means that potentially my progesterone might start to increase before we wanted it to. The size of the follicles doesn't necessarily determine this, but my history does.
You see, with IVF #1& 2, I had premature lutenization. A big scary word that manifests in progesterone rising too soon before retrieval of the eggs. To boil it down to lay-mans terms, when progesterone starts to increase too soon in one's cycle, it causes the uterine lining to be less receptive to the embryo and decreases pregnancy rates. It's potentially also a precursor to ovarian failure. I've found conflicting viewpoints on this topic. It seems that some RE's concern themselves with progesterone levels as an IVF cycler nears trigger and retrieval, and others don't. My RE's have actually written and published articles on it, and so, yes, they do concern themselves.
So I have to go back in on Sunday for a check on the growth of the follicles and my progesterone and estrogen levels. Based on those, we will either trigger that day for a retrieval on Tuesday or stim for a day or two more.
One of the ways to overcome this uterine receptivity issue is to do what's called a 'freeze-all'... so we'll get the eggs out of me, fertilize them with B's swimmers and then freeze all of the embryos and wait to transfer them until the next cycle where we can line up my progesterone levels accordingly. This is easy to do in a frozen cycle since I'm taking a drug to stop me from growing any follicles/eggs, and therefore no progesterone production that we can't control.
So that's an easy fix...but now I'm just a mess in my head. I wish there was a clear cut answer as to what to do and I so wish that for once my progesterone would just stay put. But I know that I can't control that, so I'm going to have to try to control my busy head. I'm waking up in the morning swirling with thoughts of what ifs and should haves. Man, I wish this was easier. I wish that my ovaries just sucked and didn't produce any eggs. I probably would have given up on my body by now and have moved on to another option and be either happily pregnant with a donor embryo or be working towards adoption. Instead, the fact that I have a lot of eggs makes me continue down this path of my own genetics, searching for a needle in a haystack. UGH!!!
So now all I can do is think.... what if we stim too long and my egg quality sucks. What if my progesterone is too high on Sunday at my next monitoring appointment and we miss the chance to transfer a fresh embryo? Our success rate automatically decreases. What if we don't have any good quality eggs to freeze if we can't transfer fresh? Why does my body do this? Should we be monitoring every day? EEEEEk!!!!!!!! My head is spinning and I need to stop!
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breath in
Breathe out
Anyone out there encounter this issue and have success??? Please tell me so?
22 December 2010
ICLW Welcome and the Holidays
Hello fellow ICLW'ers and welcome to my little corner in the infertility blogosphere. I'm happy you stopped by!
Currently, we're getting ready to start IVF#4 in the middle of January. Our story can be found here (or in tab at the top titled "Our Journey"). Its been almost 4 years since we've started trying to conceive.
Today, I'm just trying to find some peace and strength to get through yet another holiday season with no baby on the way or in my arms. I actually think I'm mildly depressed (I suppose many of us are that experience this). I didn't even decorate the house this year or participate in any of my family's gift exchanges. If I'm not keeping myself busy with work and take time to pause, I get sad and anxious. And the holidays don't help that. I know its not the holiday's fault, but I think it they mark the passage of time, and you start to realize how long you've been at this, with no end in sight.
We are however lucky in the sense that we don't have any nieces or nephews on my or B's side, so we don't have to spend the holidays with a bunch of infants and toddlers. I am however starting to get anxious about that happening in the near future as others in our family are getting married or starting to talk about baby-making. For now, I'm going to pretend that none of that is happening, even though I know the chance is there for me to find out a sibling or an inlaw is pregnant before we are... and that's going to be a hard slap in the face. I know its not a race, but I will just be a reminder of something we continually fail at.
Speaking of reminders, I don't really even want to open all of the beautiful holiday cards from my friends. I cherish that my friends send them to me and would be sad if they stopped, but sometimes its hard to take, to see that whole stack of families with their beautiful babies staring at me. I feel like they are laughing in a way... mocking me for the joy that lives in their lives and not in ours.
Yes, I know.. the goal here is to learn how to be present and find joy in what you do have, but the holidays have made it a lot harder for me to do that these past few years.
Well, I just wanted to say hello to you joining me for ICLW and thanks for stopping by! I'd love for you to follow me too, so join up! And mostly, I wish you all peace and happiness through this holiday season.
Currently, we're getting ready to start IVF#4 in the middle of January. Our story can be found here (or in tab at the top titled "Our Journey"). Its been almost 4 years since we've started trying to conceive.
Today, I'm just trying to find some peace and strength to get through yet another holiday season with no baby on the way or in my arms. I actually think I'm mildly depressed (I suppose many of us are that experience this). I didn't even decorate the house this year or participate in any of my family's gift exchanges. If I'm not keeping myself busy with work and take time to pause, I get sad and anxious. And the holidays don't help that. I know its not the holiday's fault, but I think it they mark the passage of time, and you start to realize how long you've been at this, with no end in sight.
We are however lucky in the sense that we don't have any nieces or nephews on my or B's side, so we don't have to spend the holidays with a bunch of infants and toddlers. I am however starting to get anxious about that happening in the near future as others in our family are getting married or starting to talk about baby-making. For now, I'm going to pretend that none of that is happening, even though I know the chance is there for me to find out a sibling or an inlaw is pregnant before we are... and that's going to be a hard slap in the face. I know its not a race, but I will just be a reminder of something we continually fail at.
Speaking of reminders, I don't really even want to open all of the beautiful holiday cards from my friends. I cherish that my friends send them to me and would be sad if they stopped, but sometimes its hard to take, to see that whole stack of families with their beautiful babies staring at me. I feel like they are laughing in a way... mocking me for the joy that lives in their lives and not in ours.
Yes, I know.. the goal here is to learn how to be present and find joy in what you do have, but the holidays have made it a lot harder for me to do that these past few years.
Well, I just wanted to say hello to you joining me for ICLW and thanks for stopping by! I'd love for you to follow me too, so join up! And mostly, I wish you all peace and happiness through this holiday season.
21 September 2010
Re-Post for ICLW
Once again, I've joined ICLW in hopes of making more connections out there in the blogosphere. Here's a re-post from last month for those of you who are visitng my blog for the first time. Welcome, leave me a comment so I get to know you better and thanks for stopping by! I hope you'll continue with me along this journey.
Also, as a teaser to come back, I have an amazing post in the works that I hope to get up by the end of the week. I'll leave you with this.... its about a couple who struggled to conceive and created an amazing art project to help them heal. Its cathartic and beautiful... more to come...
Also, as a teaser to come back, I have an amazing post in the works that I hope to get up by the end of the week. I'll leave you with this.... its about a couple who struggled to conceive and created an amazing art project to help them heal. Its cathartic and beautiful... more to come...
25 August 2010
Thanks for Stopping By (ICLW)
For those of you who are visiting my blog for the first time due to ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week), ...Welcome and thanks for stopping by!
I thought I would used this post to recap about my last almost year of blogging so you don't have to wade through all of the prior posts. I'm copying another bloggers format, because I loved the way she did it.. just a simple Q&A, as if someone was interviewing me.
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Q: How did your blog get started and what is it about?
A: My header on the blog pretty much sums this up. B (the husband) and I are trying to concieve our first child and so far, after 3.5 years, many treatments and a lot of $$, we've not had luck. A few years back, B and a few other supporters suggested that I journal in order to help me release some of the emotions that go along with this struggle. I tried and tried to write in an actual paper journal, but the words just didn't flow. Then one day, I thought, hey, maybe I'll try to type it out! Lo and behold, words come much quicker from my brain to the keyboard, than they do to a pen.
Secondly, I figured, this was a good way for me to communicate this journey to our friends and family without a) them having to ask me about it when they felt like they were prying (which of course they weren't, but I'm sure they still feel like it sometimes) and b) me having to feel like this is the only thing I talk about, ever. Here I can update everyone at once, and they can read it on their own terms. Its a win-win.
Q: What do you blog about most?
A: As I said above, I mostly blog about the thoughts and feelings that swarm around in my head and heart as we try to figure out how to build our family. Infertility is a journey, as I'm sure you've heard, and so I simply write about it here. From techincal, medical info, to our next steps, to the fears and feelings in my head. Its all here.
Q: What do you like about blogging?
A: I LOVE the support I get from family and friends and I LOVE the comments! Its my favorite treat of the day, to see a comment from people and know they are supporting me or thinking of me. It helps give me fuel to continue down this road.
I also like the fact that this is a permenant record of a part of my life in the recent past. I don't ever want to forget what a life changing event this has been for me and B and maybe others in my life that have been touched by this too. I want to be able to look back on my posts and remind myself when I finally am a mom, to never ever take it for granted.
Q: Who are you?
A: I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm the following; A wife, a best friend, a sister, a daughter, an actuary, a triathlete, a gourmet chef (in my head at least), a dog-mom, a vegetarian (ish), a wanna-be hippie, a wanna-be dancer, a yogi, a nurturer, an idealist, an encourager, a support group leader, a know-it-all (some may say:-) ... and a future mom.
Again, thanks for stopping by, and hope you come back!
I thought I would used this post to recap about my last almost year of blogging so you don't have to wade through all of the prior posts. I'm copying another bloggers format, because I loved the way she did it.. just a simple Q&A, as if someone was interviewing me.
*********
Q: How did your blog get started and what is it about?
A: My header on the blog pretty much sums this up. B (the husband) and I are trying to concieve our first child and so far, after 3.5 years, many treatments and a lot of $$, we've not had luck. A few years back, B and a few other supporters suggested that I journal in order to help me release some of the emotions that go along with this struggle. I tried and tried to write in an actual paper journal, but the words just didn't flow. Then one day, I thought, hey, maybe I'll try to type it out! Lo and behold, words come much quicker from my brain to the keyboard, than they do to a pen.
Secondly, I figured, this was a good way for me to communicate this journey to our friends and family without a) them having to ask me about it when they felt like they were prying (which of course they weren't, but I'm sure they still feel like it sometimes) and b) me having to feel like this is the only thing I talk about, ever. Here I can update everyone at once, and they can read it on their own terms. Its a win-win.
Q: What do you blog about most?
A: As I said above, I mostly blog about the thoughts and feelings that swarm around in my head and heart as we try to figure out how to build our family. Infertility is a journey, as I'm sure you've heard, and so I simply write about it here. From techincal, medical info, to our next steps, to the fears and feelings in my head. Its all here.
Q: What do you like about blogging?
A: I LOVE the support I get from family and friends and I LOVE the comments! Its my favorite treat of the day, to see a comment from people and know they are supporting me or thinking of me. It helps give me fuel to continue down this road.
I also like the fact that this is a permenant record of a part of my life in the recent past. I don't ever want to forget what a life changing event this has been for me and B and maybe others in my life that have been touched by this too. I want to be able to look back on my posts and remind myself when I finally am a mom, to never ever take it for granted.
Q: Who are you?
A: I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm the following; A wife, a best friend, a sister, a daughter, an actuary, a triathlete, a gourmet chef (in my head at least), a dog-mom, a vegetarian (ish), a wanna-be hippie, a wanna-be dancer, a yogi, a nurturer, an idealist, an encourager, a support group leader, a know-it-all (some may say:-) ... and a future mom.
Again, thanks for stopping by, and hope you come back!
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