Spring is just beginning to peak its warming head around the corner. I welcome it, but it also marks the passage of time and yet another season without success. I can almost transport myself back to the fall when I had oodles of hope that our next steps would bring us some happy news this past winter.
I'm struggling to peel away the defeat from this long-time battle and find joy in my current life. I'm struggling to get excited about our final transfer, our final try at our genetics. I feel like I'm just going to go through the motions... BCPs... lupron... estrogen... progesterone, transfer... wait, wait, freak out, wait, false hope... BFN.
And then some hard decisions ensue.
I wish I could be a happier blogger lately, but I only really feel inspired to write when I'm feeling down. I should let you all know however, that since I'm not writing all that often, that I'm really doing ok. In my daily life, moment to moment, I'm ok. Its just that as these emotions well up inside me and they need to come out.
By the way, I took my first BCP last Sunday. Our FET should be sometime at the end of April... here we go again.
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
15 March 2011
25 January 2011
Fear Eats
Fear is eating away at my sanity today...
I hardly slept last night. I feel edgy and anxious today. I'm so worried that when I come out of my la-la land haze tomorrow after the egg retrieval, my sweet RE is going to look at me with her sad eyes and say all of my eggs are crap... that they are spongy and grainy and they just disintegrated upon removal... and with that our last chance will be over and done with. I'm also fearful that the trigger shot that I took at 10:30 last night did nothing and none of my eggs will mature and all of this money and time and emotion will be wasted.
Fear sucks.
I wish I was a naive first time IVFer right now, without all of the medical knowledge I have, without 3 failed IVF cycles under my belt, with out gun-shy ovaries after IVF#3 debacle.
I think this just confirms why most infertility vets don't typically go through this many IVF cycle. With each one, knowledge of what can go wrong increases and worry takes hold.
Yes, I'm doing my meditations and I'm at work trying to keep my mind occupied, but one can't just get rid of the deep seated feelings they have that impending doom is coming. Its innate in me. I've been through just about 4 years of failed cycles, and with each new hope, some other new news comes that takes the hope away.
I'm sorry if this is coming off as total debbie-downer (love that phrase!) but Its just how I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out of my system. I think I'll start to focus on a big fat martini that I plan to have on Friday night.. or maybe 10.
I hardly slept last night. I feel edgy and anxious today. I'm so worried that when I come out of my la-la land haze tomorrow after the egg retrieval, my sweet RE is going to look at me with her sad eyes and say all of my eggs are crap... that they are spongy and grainy and they just disintegrated upon removal... and with that our last chance will be over and done with. I'm also fearful that the trigger shot that I took at 10:30 last night did nothing and none of my eggs will mature and all of this money and time and emotion will be wasted.
Fear sucks.
I wish I was a naive first time IVFer right now, without all of the medical knowledge I have, without 3 failed IVF cycles under my belt, with out gun-shy ovaries after IVF#3 debacle.
I think this just confirms why most infertility vets don't typically go through this many IVF cycle. With each one, knowledge of what can go wrong increases and worry takes hold.
Yes, I'm doing my meditations and I'm at work trying to keep my mind occupied, but one can't just get rid of the deep seated feelings they have that impending doom is coming. Its innate in me. I've been through just about 4 years of failed cycles, and with each new hope, some other new news comes that takes the hope away.
I'm sorry if this is coming off as total debbie-downer (love that phrase!) but Its just how I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out of my system. I think I'll start to focus on a big fat martini that I plan to have on Friday night.. or maybe 10.
27 September 2010
Homework Sucks
I love when the world nudges you to rise above your emotional hangups and fears... (heavy sarcasm!)
Recall, if all goes well, I should be able to begin shots for IVF # 3 around Oct 10th or so. The week prior to this, I get to spend 3.5 days in a class on management called "Pathways". Has anyone heard of this?
I was actually looking forward to it. I thought it would be fun to get to know my fellow peers in management a bit better and also learn a different perspective on what I do so I can be a better leader. I'm sure its going to be one of those 'touchy feely' type ice breaker classes, with skits and such, that I haven't really done since girlscout camp, but I was still looking forward to it...
... until today, when I got our 'homework' assignment to be completed before class begins on Tuesday of next week. Here's the assignment: Read the first 6 chapters of the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give to my Childern".
Really? Seriously? You want me to read a book on parenting, and then discuss it with a whole bunch of parents, in a room, for 3.5 days, all while I'm trying to stay zen for my IVF cycle the following week?
COME ON!
Needless to say, I'm dreading being in that room now, fearing that I will just sit there and want to cry. Especially when former participants have told me that people really do open up in that class, to the extent that others have cried! But I really don't want to cry about this, not in front of the people I work with.
Please give me strength to make it through this class!
Recall, if all goes well, I should be able to begin shots for IVF # 3 around Oct 10th or so. The week prior to this, I get to spend 3.5 days in a class on management called "Pathways". Has anyone heard of this?
I was actually looking forward to it. I thought it would be fun to get to know my fellow peers in management a bit better and also learn a different perspective on what I do so I can be a better leader. I'm sure its going to be one of those 'touchy feely' type ice breaker classes, with skits and such, that I haven't really done since girlscout camp, but I was still looking forward to it...
... until today, when I got our 'homework' assignment to be completed before class begins on Tuesday of next week. Here's the assignment: Read the first 6 chapters of the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give to my Childern".
Really? Seriously? You want me to read a book on parenting, and then discuss it with a whole bunch of parents, in a room, for 3.5 days, all while I'm trying to stay zen for my IVF cycle the following week?
COME ON!
Needless to say, I'm dreading being in that room now, fearing that I will just sit there and want to cry. Especially when former participants have told me that people really do open up in that class, to the extent that others have cried! But I really don't want to cry about this, not in front of the people I work with.
Please give me strength to make it through this class!
06 May 2010
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is fast approaching and I want to hide. Actually I wanted to hide at least a month ago when Target and Walmart started their Mothers Day commercials. I feel bombarded with reminders every day that I'm not a mother.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)