I've been struggling to write any posts during this 2ww. I think its because I'm trying to detach myself from this process even though I know if I have a negative outcome, it will still hurt. During the 2ww, I'm pretty much a mess. Internally, I'm up and down emotionally. Externally, I may seem stoic or pensive or happy. Sometimes a twinge here or there gives me a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this could finally be our time, but deep down, I really don't think this worked. I still have a few days to wait until my blood test, so I will dutifully take my progesterone, like a good little IVF patient, and hope that I'm one of those lucky women who get pregnant w/o really feeling anything... In my heart of hearts I feel that we'll be thawing those 2 little frosties for one last attempt with my genetics....
For now, my quietness is simply a sign that I'm trying to focus on anything but infertility for the next few days, even though my mind can think of nothing else...
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
07 February 2011
01 February 2011
Anger in the 2ww
I'm angry.
I'm angry that after 4 years of trying to have a baby, we still don't have one.
I"m angry that everyone else is pregnant and I'm not.
I'm angry that I still feel alone, even though I have this blog, and a support group and fantastic friends.
I'm angry at myself for not 'just adopting' (said with LOTS of sarcasm) because at least if I started the adoption process a few years ago, we might eventually be guaranteed a baby (see what I said there... might.... still not a 100% guarantee).
I'm angry at the true unfairness of infertility. Its just.. not... fucking.. fair!
I want to kick and scream and break things today and I want this all to finally, finally be over with. I want to move on with my life and live outside of the infertility world for a while. I miss that world. What's it like? Hm.... I can't seem to remember...
I'm angry that I'm not over being angry. Haven't I figured out how to live with this already?
This is what the 'two week wait' does to me. It makes me angry.
At least I get to go home and hopefully have a snow day tomorrow. My snow day plans will include but not be limited to the following: naps, food, book reading, more naps, shoveling, more food, a sip or two of B's stout that goes perfect with any snow day, and an adventurous dog walk or two.
I'm angry that after 4 years of trying to have a baby, we still don't have one.
I"m angry that everyone else is pregnant and I'm not.
I'm angry that I still feel alone, even though I have this blog, and a support group and fantastic friends.
I'm angry at myself for not 'just adopting' (said with LOTS of sarcasm) because at least if I started the adoption process a few years ago, we might eventually be guaranteed a baby (see what I said there... might.... still not a 100% guarantee).
I'm angry at the true unfairness of infertility. Its just.. not... fucking.. fair!
I want to kick and scream and break things today and I want this all to finally, finally be over with. I want to move on with my life and live outside of the infertility world for a while. I miss that world. What's it like? Hm.... I can't seem to remember...
I'm angry that I'm not over being angry. Haven't I figured out how to live with this already?
This is what the 'two week wait' does to me. It makes me angry.
At least I get to go home and hopefully have a snow day tomorrow. My snow day plans will include but not be limited to the following: naps, food, book reading, more naps, shoveling, more food, a sip or two of B's stout that goes perfect with any snow day, and an adventurous dog walk or two.
29 January 2011
3 in the Freezer
We went to the clinic yesterday to check on our 6 embryos and decide whether or not to transfer this month or freeze all due to my higher progesterone number on day of trigger. The night before, B and I had made our decisions based on scenarios of how many we have left. 6 was easy - transfer 2, freeze 4. 4 was easy - freeze all. But 5 was a little less so... transfer none? 1? or 2?
B actually wasn't there yet because his work schedule is such that he can't just leave work at any given time. He's a teacher and finding a sub for just an hour or two of his classes is difficult at his school. He said if we did transfer, he wouldn't be able to be there until just at the time of transfer. They had ME arrive an hour before.
So I went into the prep room with the hospital bed, gown and warm blanket and waited to talk with my RE before I got undressed. She came in with a big smile: 5! and 4 of which were grade A ( yes, they grade them like beef). But then we sat there together in the room trying to think of the best plan.
You see, nothing is really clear cut in this infertility world. Even last night as I looked up studies on pubmed there's conflicting information about serum progesterone levels on day of trigger. Some studies say it predicts lower pregnancy rates and therefore the best course of action is to freeze all and do an FET, others, not so much. But what really helped me to make my decision was not the numbers, but the visual look of my uterine lining.
A little science lesson: Before ovulation and before the uterus is exposed to progesterone, the uterine lining should look something like this (not mine, just a good pic on the in internet):
You can see there, what they call the 'triple stripe. Its the part where the thin white line is surrounded by some darker grey area and the a different white outline of the uterine lining. That's the area that gets shed every month when a woman gets her period. This is what we want the uterus to look like on the day of ovulation (or retrieval in and IVF cycle).
Once the uterus has been exposed to higher levels of progesterone, which in a natural cycle occurs right after ovulation and in an IVF cycle occurs on the day of retrieval when we start progesterone supplements, the lining starts to look more homogeneous, ie, no distinct triple stripe pattern.
My RE said that even though my progesterone numbers were a higher than they would like, she checked the pattern of my lining on the day of retrieval and it still looked 'triple striped.'
As she and I sat in the prep room yesterday trying to make our decision, I went back to these following facts: My body still "looked" receptive and on IVF #1, I did actually get pregnant, albeit a chemical pregnancy, even though my progesterone was high then too. As I said in my last post, science is fantastic for helping us make a good decision, but sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and roll the dice. And with that, we made the decision to freeze the 3 best looking embryos and transfer the remaining 2. It just felt like the right thing to do.
So here I am, saying hello to the 'two week wait' again.
Now, how do I get through these next few weeks with some sanity???
B actually wasn't there yet because his work schedule is such that he can't just leave work at any given time. He's a teacher and finding a sub for just an hour or two of his classes is difficult at his school. He said if we did transfer, he wouldn't be able to be there until just at the time of transfer. They had ME arrive an hour before.
So I went into the prep room with the hospital bed, gown and warm blanket and waited to talk with my RE before I got undressed. She came in with a big smile: 5! and 4 of which were grade A ( yes, they grade them like beef). But then we sat there together in the room trying to think of the best plan.
You see, nothing is really clear cut in this infertility world. Even last night as I looked up studies on pubmed there's conflicting information about serum progesterone levels on day of trigger. Some studies say it predicts lower pregnancy rates and therefore the best course of action is to freeze all and do an FET, others, not so much. But what really helped me to make my decision was not the numbers, but the visual look of my uterine lining.
A little science lesson: Before ovulation and before the uterus is exposed to progesterone, the uterine lining should look something like this (not mine, just a good pic on the in internet):
You can see there, what they call the 'triple stripe. Its the part where the thin white line is surrounded by some darker grey area and the a different white outline of the uterine lining. That's the area that gets shed every month when a woman gets her period. This is what we want the uterus to look like on the day of ovulation (or retrieval in and IVF cycle).
Once the uterus has been exposed to higher levels of progesterone, which in a natural cycle occurs right after ovulation and in an IVF cycle occurs on the day of retrieval when we start progesterone supplements, the lining starts to look more homogeneous, ie, no distinct triple stripe pattern.
My RE said that even though my progesterone numbers were a higher than they would like, she checked the pattern of my lining on the day of retrieval and it still looked 'triple striped.'
As she and I sat in the prep room yesterday trying to make our decision, I went back to these following facts: My body still "looked" receptive and on IVF #1, I did actually get pregnant, albeit a chemical pregnancy, even though my progesterone was high then too. As I said in my last post, science is fantastic for helping us make a good decision, but sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and roll the dice. And with that, we made the decision to freeze the 3 best looking embryos and transfer the remaining 2. It just felt like the right thing to do.
So here I am, saying hello to the 'two week wait' again.
Now, how do I get through these next few weeks with some sanity???
23 October 2010
2 Roses and Thank You
On the day after my retrieval, this past Tuesday, as I was sitting in my parent's office working from afar, my mom came home with these 2 roses for me. They were still a bit small that day, but started to open and blossom as the days went on. That morning, I had learned we only had 3 fertilized eggs sitting in the lab and I thought to myself, man, I wish she would have gotten 3 so I could focus on them as a representation of my embryos. But maybe, somehow, subconsciously, whatever possessed her to buy these 2 roses, she knew that we would have these 2 surprise 4-cell fighters that are hopefully blossoming in me.
Today, I arrived back home in my own house after spending the last 2 weeks with my family in the city and burbs of Chicago. It was an amazing 2 weeks. I reflect on the quality time I spent with my family, especially these last few days. My parents were so involved in the drama of the last few days that I truly think they have a whole new perspective on this journey and I know it brought us closer and gave them a glimpse of what B and I have been going through these last 3.5 years.
This morning, I even shared the art project, Yad Shniyah, with them before I left and I think it really helped them truly understand how the quest for a child is SO deeply personal and affects not only the couple or person who is going through it, but also many other people in their lives.
This also made me treasure how much support and love B and I have recieved throughout this journey and specifically in these last few crazy days. So I wanted to thank you ALL (fellow bloggers, family, friends, coworkers, lurkers... ) from the bottom of my heart for helping us find strength and giving us comfort. The journey is far from over, but for now, there is at least a moment of peace, before the end of the two week wait nears.
Much love to you all!
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