The Last 24 Hours of My Life - SIMPLY NUTS!

I"ll try to recap the ups and downs of the last 24 hours

Wednesday, October 19th
1pm - Phone call from the clinic saying my embryos suck and didn't start dividing. Probably not going to be any transfer tomorrow. Call back early in the morning tomorrow, just in case (yeah right... pipe dream)

(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)

2pm - Call B to tell him there's no need for him to come down to Chicago tonight for the transfer tomorrow  because its highly unlikely it will happen

(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
3pm - Cry to my mom. Why the hell does this have to happen? Are my eggs really that sucky? Do I have to face the music and try a different route (adoption, donor eggs ?)

(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)

4pm - Get on the train to head downtown Chicago to meet my sister L, her husband (my BIL) and my dad for dinner before my dad and I go to the Blackhawks game. Sit in the train, looking at all of the passing towns, feeling isolated, alone, desperate but also in denial... No way are my eggs old. No way do they suck. There MUST be some explanation for this.
 
5pm - Sit down to dinner with L, BIL, Dad and a big margarita. Get a bit hug from L and try to not seem too down at dinner. Want to chug margaritas, but hold back on just one, because there WILL be beer at the Blackhawks game.
 
8pm - Blackhawks game starts. Big beer in hand, I try to focus on the game and not the tears that keep welling up in my eyes. Dad gives me some sad, comforting looks, and also tries to divert conversation to more fun things, like hockey (of which I know nothing, but try to understand). Wonder if I'll ever had my own child to do things like this with. Very dramatic. We make it through the game with only a few tears shed. They won, by the way.
 
11pm - Get back in the 'hoe (my dad's old Tahoe, that's still running, with almost 300K miles on it... He REALLY likes to drive his cars into the ground) and we crawl back to the burbs from the city due to the bureaucracy that is  the IL DOT. 4 lanes, down to 1 lane. Wednesday night. Took us 1.5 hours to get 30 miles. NUTS! This is one certain reason I don't live in the Chicago area.
 
Thursday, October 21st
1am - Fall asleep
 
7am - Alarm goes off. Call the clinic, like a good girl, get no answer, leave a message to call me back.
 
8am - Call clinic again, still no answer in the lab.Call the receptionist and tell her the situation. Get put on hold. She comes back to say the embryologists are all in procedures and will call me back.
 
9am - Wait
 
10am -  Based on the lack of hope I was given yesterday, I assume there's no transfer and I start packing, crying with my parents, thanking them for the last few weeks of their hospitality, love, comfort and for supporting me as we go through this.  Put the dog, the big ass suitcase, and all the extra crap I carry with myself into the car and head to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a pumpkin donut. Mmmmm! I'm already starting to dream of the foods and drinks I'm going to indulge in because I'm not pregnant this month. Pizza, bottles of wine, good beer.... ah... comfort.
 
10:30am - Half hour west of my home town, a half hour in the opposite direction of the clinic, crying in my coffee and donut, driving and noticed I missed a call from the clinic. So I call the clinic back and they say, "Why aren't you here for your transfer?" and I say, "Because no one called me back after I tried to find out if magically my fertilized eggs started to cleave a day late." and they say, "Well, you definitely will be having a transfer today, so how soon can you get here?" and I finish with, "Hope to be there in under 2 hours".
 
10:40am - Call  B and tell him the craziness of what is going on. Tell him I have no real information on how many or what quality my embryos are and he can just stay put in Madison and get rested (He's suffering from the flu right now or some yucky stomach bug). Call my Dad to have him meet me at an off ramp about half way to take the dog out of the car and the lasagna that my mom made for me to take back home to B. Quickly do the 'drop off' and get back on the highway for a 40min drive to the clinic.
 
12pm - Arrive at the clinic, pop the Valium (thank god for that! I surely needed something to help me relax after the  morning I had. Oh, and btw, for those of you who aren't in the know, they typically give this to you at transfer as a muscle relaxer to help minimize your uterus from contracting when the transfer the embryos back in)
 
12:15pm - Get into the hospital gown. Talk with the doctor on staff at the time. Tells me we have 2 beautiful 4-cell embryos.They are a little behind in development, but they are developing, so there's hope! Cry a few tears. Walk into the transfer room. Feet up in stirrups and you  know the drill (or you don't and that's fine too).
 
12:30pm - Get back into the car to drive to my P's. Call B and tell him we're PUPO ("Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise") and for him to just relax and not worry about being here and get some rest and try to keep some food in his belly and I'll be home Saturday morning to take care of him.
 
2pm - Stop at the Indian restaurant to get takeout buffet. It's been our tradition on our last 3 transfer days to go straight to the Indian buffet. This was my compromise.
 
3pm - Stomach full, lay on couch and start this blog entry hoping to get a little nap in.
 
So that about sums it up. Its been a whirlwind tour. My roller coaster ride took a hairpin turn and then went back up. I'm just still in shock and can't really believe how this even happened, but I can't dwell on it. I can just sit here, rest, relax, dream of my babies in my belly and hope to god that they decide to hang out for a while. And if there is someone out there pulling all of these strings, thank him/her for this second chance.
 
But p.s. I am going to miss that bottle of wine I was planning on chugging tonight ;-)