No matter how hard you try, no matter how good of a handle you think you have on the pain and the unfairness of infertility, no matter how good you have been at ignoring the fact that you have a BIG GAPING HOLE in your heart that can only be filled by holding your baby in your arms and knowing this journey is over, things still come along to knock you off your feet.
(Granted, I haven't been trying very hard or been very good at handling the pain or ignoring it lately...)
Once again, facebook caused me to trip and fall over and land flat on my face today. Stupid facebook...
I just found out a person in my life, who isn't married and is lacking financial stability is expecting a 'new addition' due in September....
All I can say is... Unfairness... you have the upper hand... And I hate you for it.
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
09 March 2011
03 March 2011
Wasted
We decided to take a month off before we start BCPs for our FET (Assuming we do an FET... more to come on that...). I thought this month off would be good to emotionally heal and map out our path (still haven't done that... a few weeks to go I guess). I also thought I was being a good sister. My brother is getting married in December, out of town, and if we did the FET right away and not taken this month off, AND for some miracle it worked, we would have been due right around the time of his wedding.... Even thought there's a part of me that doesn't want to worry about anyone ELSE's time frame regarding our potential baby, I would have never forgiven myself if it worked and I would have missed his wedding... So mostly the month off is for timing.
Of course, with a month off infertility treatments, and the knowledge that all of our parts technically work, when one is hoping for a baby, and has been trying for 4 years, one expects to try naturally in these times, no? And that's what I expected. I made sure I knew the optimal time as determined by temperature charting and body 'clues' and proceeded to inform B of our 'date nights'.
The first, second and third optimal days came and went... no lovin' ensued... I just couldn't get there.. and now I'm simply angry.
I'm so angry at this crap. I'm so angry at how it invades my every thought and my emotion. And I'm pissed at how it's affected my sex life with B. I feel sad, I feel like a failure to him, but this month, I just couldn't do it... I feel robbed of a sense of wonder, intimacy and naivete that so many couples have when trying to have a baby and I feel robbed of the spontaneity of having sex with your partner when you WANT to and not when you HAVE to. I know that many people experience this on their infertility journeys. But I want to express here to those who don't have to go through this how much it affects so many different aspects of your life. And you simply feel broken.... in so many ways.
So screw you infertility! Screw you for invading the intimacy with B. Screw you for making me feel guilty and like a failure in more than one way. And SCREW you for making me waste a egg.
Of course, with a month off infertility treatments, and the knowledge that all of our parts technically work, when one is hoping for a baby, and has been trying for 4 years, one expects to try naturally in these times, no? And that's what I expected. I made sure I knew the optimal time as determined by temperature charting and body 'clues' and proceeded to inform B of our 'date nights'.
The first, second and third optimal days came and went... no lovin' ensued... I just couldn't get there.. and now I'm simply angry.
I'm so angry at this crap. I'm so angry at how it invades my every thought and my emotion. And I'm pissed at how it's affected my sex life with B. I feel sad, I feel like a failure to him, but this month, I just couldn't do it... I feel robbed of a sense of wonder, intimacy and naivete that so many couples have when trying to have a baby and I feel robbed of the spontaneity of having sex with your partner when you WANT to and not when you HAVE to. I know that many people experience this on their infertility journeys. But I want to express here to those who don't have to go through this how much it affects so many different aspects of your life. And you simply feel broken.... in so many ways.
So screw you infertility! Screw you for invading the intimacy with B. Screw you for making me feel guilty and like a failure in more than one way. And SCREW you for making me waste a egg.
01 February 2011
Anger in the 2ww
I'm angry.
I'm angry that after 4 years of trying to have a baby, we still don't have one.
I"m angry that everyone else is pregnant and I'm not.
I'm angry that I still feel alone, even though I have this blog, and a support group and fantastic friends.
I'm angry at myself for not 'just adopting' (said with LOTS of sarcasm) because at least if I started the adoption process a few years ago, we might eventually be guaranteed a baby (see what I said there... might.... still not a 100% guarantee).
I'm angry at the true unfairness of infertility. Its just.. not... fucking.. fair!
I want to kick and scream and break things today and I want this all to finally, finally be over with. I want to move on with my life and live outside of the infertility world for a while. I miss that world. What's it like? Hm.... I can't seem to remember...
I'm angry that I'm not over being angry. Haven't I figured out how to live with this already?
This is what the 'two week wait' does to me. It makes me angry.
At least I get to go home and hopefully have a snow day tomorrow. My snow day plans will include but not be limited to the following: naps, food, book reading, more naps, shoveling, more food, a sip or two of B's stout that goes perfect with any snow day, and an adventurous dog walk or two.
I'm angry that after 4 years of trying to have a baby, we still don't have one.
I"m angry that everyone else is pregnant and I'm not.
I'm angry that I still feel alone, even though I have this blog, and a support group and fantastic friends.
I'm angry at myself for not 'just adopting' (said with LOTS of sarcasm) because at least if I started the adoption process a few years ago, we might eventually be guaranteed a baby (see what I said there... might.... still not a 100% guarantee).
I'm angry at the true unfairness of infertility. Its just.. not... fucking.. fair!
I want to kick and scream and break things today and I want this all to finally, finally be over with. I want to move on with my life and live outside of the infertility world for a while. I miss that world. What's it like? Hm.... I can't seem to remember...
I'm angry that I'm not over being angry. Haven't I figured out how to live with this already?
This is what the 'two week wait' does to me. It makes me angry.
At least I get to go home and hopefully have a snow day tomorrow. My snow day plans will include but not be limited to the following: naps, food, book reading, more naps, shoveling, more food, a sip or two of B's stout that goes perfect with any snow day, and an adventurous dog walk or two.
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