"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

25 January 2011

Fear Eats

Fear is eating away at my sanity today...

I hardly slept last night. I feel edgy and anxious today. I'm so worried that when I come out of my la-la land haze tomorrow after the egg retrieval, my sweet RE is going to look at me with her sad eyes and say all of my eggs are crap... that they are spongy and grainy and they just disintegrated upon removal... and with that our last chance will be over and done with. I'm also fearful that the trigger shot that I took at 10:30 last night did nothing and none of my eggs will mature and all of this money and time and emotion will be wasted.

Fear sucks.

I wish I was a naive first time IVFer right now, without all of the medical knowledge I have, without 3 failed IVF cycles under my belt, with out gun-shy ovaries after IVF#3 debacle.

I think this just confirms why most infertility vets don't typically go through this many IVF cycle. With each one, knowledge of what can go wrong increases and worry takes hold.

Yes, I'm doing my meditations and I'm at work trying to keep my mind occupied, but one can't just get rid of the deep seated feelings they have that impending doom is coming. Its innate in me. I've been through just about 4 years of failed cycles, and with each new hope, some other new news comes that takes the hope away.

I'm sorry if this is coming off as total debbie-downer (love that phrase!) but Its just how I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out of my system. I think I'll start to focus on a big fat martini that I plan to have on Friday night.. or maybe 10.


  1. HUGS! I know the fear is hard to overcome. Try to keep busy until your ER!

  2. I am one of those IVF vets who decided I just couldn't take it anymore. I think vets with egg issues get it especially. If I'd only been able to do a frozen cycle or two, i think this wouldn't be so bad. But, my best cycle was my last and my worst was my first. So, keep an open mind, you never know what lies ahead. And there's always a chance. I will be sending you good thoughts.

  3. Try to be positive and only think positive thoughts - as soon as a negative thought comes, think 10 opposite positive thoughts (this will also not let you think negative thoughts, since you're so busy with the positives). I found this great saying somewhere that helps me - Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength. And I indeed found this was true with my first IVF - I was "realistic", aware that things can go wrong and worrying like hell. And when it failed, I was miserable anyway - being a "realist" didn't save me any heartache.
    So - you have great eggs, they are all very healthy, this will be a superb cycle and you are very very happy, since everything will go just fine! Take care!

  4. I hate the fear that all of this brings. I've only failed one IVF and some days I am just consumed by the fear of my next cycle failing--and I'm not even going to cycle until March!

    I will hand onto hope for you and send lots of ~~~healthy egg~~~ vibes your way!

  5. Hey vent away!! That is what your blog is for right?? To get your emotions off your chest. For IVF #2 I was in a haze trying not to stress about everything that had happened before. I think it really is a normal part of this journey.

    I am sending you tons of healthy eggie vibes!!!!!

  6. Hey there- so glad I caught up on your journey. I'm sending you lots of good vibes for a great ER and fertilization! I'm crossing all my fingers and toes for you, holding on to some hope for you, and I will be thining of you tomorrow and in the days to come. Come visit us at pj. We've been thinking of you- I posted today that we need to send you some group positive vibes. -Bebehope

  7. Take deep breaths. Seriously and have your hubby hold you. There is no way to make this fear go away except to find a calm place within yourself. Also, try and treat yourself...to icecream, hot chocolate, whatever.

    The thing is...you have lived through failure before, you can do it again if you must. But with each cycle you have worried and it doesn't affect the outcome (I have too, and you can remind me of this in a week when I'm freaking out).

    You are having your best cycle yet! Repeat: you are having your best cycle yet!!

  8. As my yoga instructor says: "feel the emotion that is welling up inside you and then let go of what no longer serves you today" So feel your fear, vent, it, kick it, cry, scream.... and then let it go and breath in and out. I still have your hope close to my heart my friend....<3

  9. Well my dear to me this is the worst part of the cycle so much pressure:( I will say my prayers that you will have some great mature eggs that make it to a freezable state:) I wont lie the process sucks and its almost like you have to detach yourself from the situation...At least with our last IVF thats what I had to do and it seemed to help me...I didnt focus so much on all the details I just kinda became a robot and did what they said and just went with it...Not sure if this is right but its what I did...For us this last IVF would be our last if we had another miscarriage so differnt circumstances but I understand the pressure of a last attempt cycle....Hang in there..Sounds like you have a ton of eggs:)

  10. Stopping by today to give your follicles one more little pep session before your retrieval!!

    Come on little Follicles Mature!!! Grow Grow Grow (but make sure you wait for some of the smaller ones to catch up!!!)