"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

15 January 2011

All In

First things first... my baseline ultrasound went really well! Thanks SOOO much for the prayers and good thoughts. They worked! My antral follicle count was around 20, just like with my first two IVF cycles back in 2009. So it's a go! We're "all in" as they say in Texas Hold 'em (even though I have no clue how to play that game). Last night I started my shots. I'm taking 375u gonal-f and 75u menopur. Then in about a week, we'll add the cetrotide to prevent ovulation until we're ready to trigger. And with that, I've once again entered the sisterhood of the bruised bellies.

I marvel at the human body. Infertility has made me absolutely amazed with it. It makes me wish I had gone into the medical field.  Anywho, my point... With IVF#3, at my baseline ultrasound, I had just about 7 antral follicles. And I was thinking, man, my body sucks. I'm old. And just yesterday I was back on a high thinking that I'm a teenager again! (well, not quite.. but let's say late 20s).  Is the antral count that variable, from month to month? Or is it simply that with IVF #3 I was not on birth control pills first. My RE thinks that when you are on BCPs, it gives your body a chance to get a few more  follicles into the antral stage, all lined up and ready to go. So I guess I'm proving her theory right. Also, I checked back to IVF #1 & 2, and sure enough, about 20+ antral follicles. Go figure. Well, if nothing else, we should have a larger crop of eggs to work with this time.

Oh, also, my RE asked me how I felt about being aggressive. Her words were, "Are you ok with feeling kind of bloaty?"... So I guess we're pulling out the big guns this time. EEP!  "All in"... That's our motto this time.

On a different note, it seems that where the emotional rollercoaster of this fertility journey is concerned, apparently I'm on a very different one than B.

B and I went out to dinner on Thursday night. As we sat at the bar, me sipping my last big glass of wine for a while, hopefully 9 months, B expressed how excited he was about our upcoming IVF cycle and how he just knows that it's going to work. Now I've suspected that he's felt this way for a while based on a few little comments he's made and the shine in his eye when we talk about it, but I'm not sure I really understood how hopeful and excited he is until that dinner.

It almost reminds me of how I felt when we started our first IVF cycle, almost 2 years ago. But what I realized is that I just can't get there. I can't get all giddy and excited and "up" about this being it, the final step. Its just too hard. This isn't to say that I'm not hopeful. In fact, I was the one that wanted to do this with my body, one... last... time...  B was somewhat ready to move on to a different route. I was the one who convinced him that I needed closure with my body before we move on.

And yet here I sit, somewhat numb (albeit a bit more excited now that I have 20 antrals instead of 7...), and he's the giddy one. Strange.

But maybe not. Maybe its just is a good example of how no two people can experience an event (or journey in this case) in the exact same manner. I really want to control his emotions and have him not hurt if this doesn't work, but I can't. I have to let him walk through this the way he needs to, not the way I need him to.

And so, as our roller coasters are starting off on the path of IVF once again, it looks like B's car is already higher than mine... I wonder if I'll catch up.


  1. I think it helps when one person is more positive while the other is a little doubtful. It helps the doubtful one have glimmers of hope which is what we need to move forward on this roller coaster. I know my hubby is much more hopeful and confident than I am and for that I am thankful. It makes me step back and smile once in a while and think, maybe he's right!!! Deep breaths and one foot in front of the other... :)

  2. I am so excited for you!!!!

    It sounds like you DH is feeling the say way that my DH was feeling right before this cycle!!

    I also had problems going there,

    I am sending you all sorts of baby dust and prayers!!!!

    Grow Little Follicles Grow!!!!

  3. Wow, just wow! That's an amazing number of antral follies! It gives me such hope, because I never have more than 7-10. It should give you LOTS of good hope for this cycle.

    It is funny how in our little marital orb we can have such different perspectives despite the same information...but that's why we need each other, for different perspective.

  4. Excellent! So happy the baseline went well. It is great that your husband is so optimistic. It is hardto be positive,I am really struggling to get to that place. Good luck, I am rooting for you!!

  5. WOW - 20 antral follies is awesome!! I have a GREAT feeling about this for you. I am going to stay super positive for you!!!

  6. What a great count! I think it's cute how your hubby is so excited! Maybe he is on to something!

  7. Woohoo! That is great news. I hope it just keeps flowing in from here. I am so glad that you decided to do this one last time. I pray that you don't need to do it again unless you feel like having another baby down the road. ;)

  8. Great count!!! Maybe you and hubs being on opposite ends will be a good thing..You will balance each other out:) I think all the positive thoughts will help get you through the cycle on a happier note....I know I was always more like you while my hubs was like yours and always seen each cycle as new start...with our last time I decided to clean the slate and act as if this was our first time...not get to involved with the detail in the IVF process...and just sort of give up my control issues and go with the flow...Now once pregnant that was a differnt story but for IVF process it really helped:) Take Care

  9. First and foremost, I am SO thrilled to hear your awesome numbers. You are starting out with a bang!! Also, I loved your comments about B. My husband was the same way. I always joked that his faith must be stronger than mine because he just BELIEVED it was going to work. I was always the skeptic. I think the balance is perfect!! Wishing you so much luck!!

  10. Who has an antral of 20????