I Think I'm Beginning to Understand Letting Go

In one of my prior posts, I struggled to understand exactly what it meant to let go. I wondered if I was supposed to apply this advice from many to our baby journey. Did I have to give up hoping and trying altogether and just pray that a baby would drop out from nowwhere into my lap? Did I have to move on to adoption, which would eventually result in a child, even though I didn't feel at all excited about starting that particular journey?

When I pondered what it meant to let go, I usually had this pit in my stomach that I thought was encouraging me to stop trying for and wanting B's and my own genetic child.

Last Friday, I went to my favorite yoga teacher's class after work. She kicks my butt but also has a really peacful manerism about her that makes me feel bliss...while my butt is being kicked. Its a great way to end a work week, sweat out all of the stress taking hold in my muscles and open up my mind by trying to listen to what the world wants from me. As I was breating through a particularly butt kicking pose, I kept getting the image of my baby in my mind. I could see my freshly cleaned and diapered newborn curled up on my chest, nuzzled into fetal position. I could literally feel the warmth and aliveness wash over me. And for the first time when thinking this deeply about holding our baby, I felt peaceful and present, instead of fearful and full of sadness. I felt that this could be real... and I felt like I had let go of a lot of pain of the past.

And then at the end the class, as if on purpose, as we were laying in our last pose, the teacher read a passage, and guess what it was on... yup! you're right... it was on letting go.

I don't know if the universe knew that I needed to hear that particular passage that day, or if its just the fact that most of her readings really resonate with me on a regular basis because they are so applicable to all of lifes struggles. Regardless, I needed to hear it.

And here is what I took away from her thoughts on letting go:

I think letting go in this instance means that I need to release the pain of the past and the strong drive and desire to control every minute of every day when it comes to things that may or may not affect our ability to concieve. What has happened has happened. We've had 3 failed transfers.It sucks. Its painful and it was the hardest thing that I've had to go through yet in my life. And its over.

But that doesn't mean it needs to define me as I go forward. It doesn't mean that I can't consider IVF again in some form or another. What it does means is that I need to acknowledge the pain of the past, but know that I've been living my very best life that I can through this journey and forvive myself for the anger and jealousy and fear. These are all simply learning stages through this journey. I can "let go" and open up my mind and body to the present moment and let what is going to happen, happen. Even if I am making decisions about our next steps, it doesn't mean that I'm not letting go.

I think that is a very subtle point. Letting go doesn't  mean giving up all control or all decision making abilitites. It means releasing the emotions and weight that you carry from your past trials. That heaviness is destructive to not only you, but to those around you. Experience the sadness, know that it will come and go, but don't hang on too tight. Release the grip.

And in doing so, you can open up your heart and mind to the pureness of what is here today, of the warming images and little pieces of possibilites that give you fuel to continue.

Get it?