A Single Teardrop

I treated myself to a massage for my birthday last month. The masseuse asked me why my body was in such knots. I told her we were struggling to conceive and that we had just failed our 3rd IVF cycle. She was glad that I came in. My body needed work, but she thought my heart could help with some healing too. She told me I should come to her for some reiki.

Now I knew about reiki and I've actually had a little done here and there, but only for a few minutes while getting a massage. So I was a little apprehensive of scheduling a full hour of someone placing their hands on my body with out really doing anything else other than that, quietly. Awkward, huh?.. But I decided my heart could use some healing, so I took her up on it.

And I'm glad I did.

I walked in the same room I had been in a few weeks prior for my massage. We talked about setting an intention of letting go and finding peace. And then it began. I got up on the table, and laid on my back as she placed her hands my upper chest and I tried to quiet my mind.

Its hard to quiet ones mind. I've dabbled in meditation here and there and have at times felt pretty good at being able to at least quiet my mind when I get anxious, but often when I am quiet, my mind just wanders. And this was no different. My mind bounced here and there and everywhere in the beginning... 

Here's a few snippets:

"The music she has on is nice"
"I hope that I don't fall asleep"
"I wonder what causes her to make those noises with her breath"
"I'm hungry"
"It's my Friday off. I LOVE having my Fridays off. I can't wait for my yoga class later and then a big glass of wine. Should I skip my yoga class and just go straight for the wine?"
"Hmmm... I am feeling a bit more relaxed... kind of like when I go to acupuncture"
"I wonder if I could learn how to do this? I feel like I have an intuition to calm people. Is that what it takes?"
"I could try this on B when he's anxious and can't sleep."
"I wonder if this could work on the puppy!"

And then, all of a sudden, my monkey brain quieted and focused, not by my own doing, but by some other force. It was like a fuzzy lens that was moving in and out and all around, just simply stopped focused...

...and into focus came an image of my baby, a few years down the road. It was a girl. And she placed her hands on ME. And she looked up at me and a clear, calm thought came into my head.

"My baby will heal me... my baby will heal me"

...and a single teardrop dripped down the outside of my left eye, down my cheek...

...and I felt calm and peaceful and clear of the past and confident and hopeful of the future knowing that my baby hasn't stopped its journey to me. My baby is STILL coming... as fast as my baby can...

I Think I'm Beginning to Understand Letting Go

In one of my prior posts, I struggled to understand exactly what it meant to let go. I wondered if I was supposed to apply this advice from many to our baby journey. Did I have to give up hoping and trying altogether and just pray that a baby would drop out from nowwhere into my lap? Did I have to move on to adoption, which would eventually result in a child, even though I didn't feel at all excited about starting that particular journey?

When I pondered what it meant to let go, I usually had this pit in my stomach that I thought was encouraging me to stop trying for and wanting B's and my own genetic child.

Last Friday, I went to my favorite yoga teacher's class after work. She kicks my butt but also has a really peacful manerism about her that makes me feel bliss...while my butt is being kicked. Its a great way to end a work week, sweat out all of the stress taking hold in my muscles and open up my mind by trying to listen to what the world wants from me. As I was breating through a particularly butt kicking pose, I kept getting the image of my baby in my mind. I could see my freshly cleaned and diapered newborn curled up on my chest, nuzzled into fetal position. I could literally feel the warmth and aliveness wash over me. And for the first time when thinking this deeply about holding our baby, I felt peaceful and present, instead of fearful and full of sadness. I felt that this could be real... and I felt like I had let go of a lot of pain of the past.

And then at the end the class, as if on purpose, as we were laying in our last pose, the teacher read a passage, and guess what it was on... yup! you're right... it was on letting go.

I don't know if the universe knew that I needed to hear that particular passage that day, or if its just the fact that most of her readings really resonate with me on a regular basis because they are so applicable to all of lifes struggles. Regardless, I needed to hear it.

And here is what I took away from her thoughts on letting go:

I think letting go in this instance means that I need to release the pain of the past and the strong drive and desire to control every minute of every day when it comes to things that may or may not affect our ability to concieve. What has happened has happened. We've had 3 failed transfers.It sucks. Its painful and it was the hardest thing that I've had to go through yet in my life. And its over.

But that doesn't mean it needs to define me as I go forward. It doesn't mean that I can't consider IVF again in some form or another. What it does means is that I need to acknowledge the pain of the past, but know that I've been living my very best life that I can through this journey and forvive myself for the anger and jealousy and fear. These are all simply learning stages through this journey. I can "let go" and open up my mind and body to the present moment and let what is going to happen, happen. Even if I am making decisions about our next steps, it doesn't mean that I'm not letting go.

I think that is a very subtle point. Letting go doesn't  mean giving up all control or all decision making abilitites. It means releasing the emotions and weight that you carry from your past trials. That heaviness is destructive to not only you, but to those around you. Experience the sadness, know that it will come and go, but don't hang on too tight. Release the grip.

And in doing so, you can open up your heart and mind to the pureness of what is here today, of the warming images and little pieces of possibilites that give you fuel to continue.

Get it?

Letting Go Is Confusing

We're at another juncture here in this baby journey of ours. The first juncture was to make the decision to try to get pregnant. The second was to try IVF. The third was to agree to be done with ART after 5 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVF and 1 failed FET...

And then I decided to take a free consult w/ an new RE....

And now we're at the fourth juncture, to try one more IVF...

I keep reading about and hearing about letting go and just being at peace with what is happening today. Not giving up the dream of being a parent, but letting go of the decisions, the process, the next steps, the research...

But I'm not really sure how to do that, or exactly what that means. Does it mean that I'm not supposed to try to find a reason why our cycles have failed when we really don't have one? Does that mean I'm supposed to stick with our plan a of a few months ago to not go back to an RE and pursue adoption? Does that mean that I'm supposed to just live my every day life and trust that a baby will just simply drop into my lap somehow?

UGH! I don't understand what it means to let go. I don't know how to find that happy middle ground of living in the present yet still trying to become parents. Does anyone have any advice?

(I still plan on sharing info on my consult w/ the new RE... but I'll keep that as a teaser for my next post)