"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

17 December 2010

A Single Teardrop

I treated myself to a massage for my birthday last month. The masseuse asked me why my body was in such knots. I told her we were struggling to conceive and that we had just failed our 3rd IVF cycle. She was glad that I came in. My body needed work, but she thought my heart could help with some healing too. She told me I should come to her for some reiki.

Now I knew about reiki and I've actually had a little done here and there, but only for a few minutes while getting a massage. So I was a little apprehensive of scheduling a full hour of someone placing their hands on my body with out really doing anything else other than that, quietly. Awkward, huh?.. But I decided my heart could use some healing, so I took her up on it.

And I'm glad I did.

I walked in the same room I had been in a few weeks prior for my massage. We talked about setting an intention of letting go and finding peace. And then it began. I got up on the table, and laid on my back as she placed her hands my upper chest and I tried to quiet my mind.

Its hard to quiet ones mind. I've dabbled in meditation here and there and have at times felt pretty good at being able to at least quiet my mind when I get anxious, but often when I am quiet, my mind just wanders. And this was no different. My mind bounced here and there and everywhere in the beginning... 

Here's a few snippets:

"The music she has on is nice"
"I hope that I don't fall asleep"
"I wonder what causes her to make those noises with her breath"
"I'm hungry"
"It's my Friday off. I LOVE having my Fridays off. I can't wait for my yoga class later and then a big glass of wine. Should I skip my yoga class and just go straight for the wine?"
"Hmmm... I am feeling a bit more relaxed... kind of like when I go to acupuncture"
"I wonder if I could learn how to do this? I feel like I have an intuition to calm people. Is that what it takes?"
"I could try this on B when he's anxious and can't sleep."
"I wonder if this could work on the puppy!"

And then, all of a sudden, my monkey brain quieted and focused, not by my own doing, but by some other force. It was like a fuzzy lens that was moving in and out and all around, just simply stopped focused...

...and into focus came an image of my baby, a few years down the road. It was a girl. And she placed her hands on ME. And she looked up at me and a clear, calm thought came into my head.

"My baby will heal me... my baby will heal me"

...and a single teardrop dripped down the outside of my left eye, down my cheek...

...and I felt calm and peaceful and clear of the past and confident and hopeful of the future knowing that my baby hasn't stopped its journey to me. My baby is STILL coming... as fast as my baby can...


  1. Oh K, that was so touching! I love Reiki and I think it's a wonderful way to quite our minds so that we can actually listen to what it really has to say. It's that one quiet voice that sits in the corner, over-taken by the other (negative)louder voices...that's the one that has the real and true messages we need to heal.

    You sound like you are doing all the "right" things to help you find grace.

    And yes, she is out there and as fast as she can, she will be with you~

  2. Beautiful post.

    The human touch does have healing qualities. I was pretty skeptical about accupuncture prior to going. I'm not sure it makes me calmer in the long run, but while I am there I feel so relaxed. The accupunturist will sometimes lay her hands on me and just stay there. It's nice to feel like someone is taking care of me in all this.

    In reading back over your history, I can't see bad eggs. The biggest predictor of egg quality is age and drug protocol. You are a good responder, you make the range of eggs (12-20) that is predictive of success (I'm totally jealous BTW...I never make more than 8/9). Do you think you and your husband could do a cycle at one of the "big" clinic? It also seems that Chicago has a really good clinic. And, maybe PGD b/c aneuploidy increases when you are in the 30s.

    Just thinking.

  3. Sounds like a beautiful experience. I'm glad you have to wonderful hopeful image.

  4. Wow, that sounds pretty amazing!

  5. Whoa....I'm tearing up as well. What a beautiful image. :-) BTW, the last time I had reiki the practitioner told me that my baby was hanging around, too, just waiting for the "right" moment....and it was a girl. :-)

  6. I am crying here!!

    What a beautiful story!!

    I do believe that your baby is on the way!!!

  7. What a beautiful and moving post. I am speechless.

  8. Hi! Here from ICLW. I'm glad you had such a wonderful experience. Your commentary sounds like me -- I just can't turn my mind off even if my body is relaxing.

  9. what a beautiful experience!!