Hello fellow ICLW'ers and welcome to my little corner in the infertility blogosphere. I'm happy you stopped by!
Currently, we're getting ready to start IVF#4 in the middle of January. Our story can be found here (or in tab at the top titled "Our Journey"). Its been almost 4 years since we've started trying to conceive.
Today, I'm just trying to find some peace and strength to get through yet another holiday season with no baby on the way or in my arms. I actually think I'm mildly depressed (I suppose many of us are that experience this). I didn't even decorate the house this year or participate in any of my family's gift exchanges. If I'm not keeping myself busy with work and take time to pause, I get sad and anxious. And the holidays don't help that. I know its not the holiday's fault, but I think it they mark the passage of time, and you start to realize how long you've been at this, with no end in sight.
We are however lucky in the sense that we don't have any nieces or nephews on my or B's side, so we don't have to spend the holidays with a bunch of infants and toddlers. I am however starting to get anxious about that happening in the near future as others in our family are getting married or starting to talk about baby-making. For now, I'm going to pretend that none of that is happening, even though I know the chance is there for me to find out a sibling or an inlaw is pregnant before we are... and that's going to be a hard slap in the face. I know its not a race, but I will just be a reminder of something we continually fail at.
Speaking of reminders, I don't really even want to open all of the beautiful holiday cards from my friends. I cherish that my friends send them to me and would be sad if they stopped, but sometimes its hard to take, to see that whole stack of families with their beautiful babies staring at me. I feel like they are laughing in a way... mocking me for the joy that lives in their lives and not in ours.
Yes, I know.. the goal here is to learn how to be present and find joy in what you do have, but the holidays have made it a lot harder for me to do that these past few years.
Well, I just wanted to say hello to you joining me for ICLW and thanks for stopping by! I'd love for you to follow me too, so join up! And mostly, I wish you all peace and happiness through this holiday season.
I hate that the holidays can't be as joyous as they should be for you. (And I especially hate being one of those reminders to you.) I can completely understand, though. Don't open the cards. Don't feel pressure to be happy right now. A new year and new beginnings are coming. I hope and pray that this time next year you'll be snuggling the gift you've been wanting most these last few Christmases.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays suck when you are dealing with infertility. I found I just shut out the world and avoided the events I knew I couldn't handle.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you tons of prayers and baby dust for 2011!!!
Stoppying by for the 2nd time I participate in ICLW week.
ReplyDeleteGo out & have a HOT date w/Hubby. Take advantage of all the Holiday events in your area & celebrate each other & live in the moment.
We are doing just that, getting out & enjoying each other during our mini IF break during the Holidays.
The Cs
Best of luck with your upcoming IVF cycle - I really hope that this will be the one that works for you and results in a healthy pregnancy. Wishing you all the strength and inner peace you need to get through the next few weeks and hoping that 2011 will be a magical year for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and saying hi! I'm glad to make a new friend--I'll follow you, especially during our IVFs in Jan (knock on wood)!
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not a race...but it's still awful. A constant reminder is exactly what it is. Fingers crossed that we're both "up next" in our families!
Hi there...thanks so much for your comment on my blog...I just read the our journey section of your blog and man oh man have you been through alot:( We had a long wait for our miracle that is growing inside too...Six years...took us 4yrs to have our first pregnancy..then we had 4 losses all in a year...def hasnt been a pretty ride but the reward is so worth it...This is my first holiday season where opening cards xmas cards hasnt thrown me into great depression and this year we didnt decorate because Im on Modified bedrest and I didnt want to mess with it...Last xmas we had one of our miscarriages and it was terrible....and to top it off one of my really good friends did a suprise Im pregnant things before I could even tell her I had miscarried so def this xmas is a blessed and joyful one...I wish you all the best with IVF number 4 and commend you for being such a strong women because this crap is not easy to tackle...Take Care and Happy Holidays
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW, thanks for your comment on my blog. I wish, when I see other people in this place, that I knew what to say to make them feel better, but having been here, you know that there is'nt anything.
ReplyDeleteYes, we know what is the right attitude to have, I just wish we could flip a switch on in our brain to turn it on :)
One day, we will all get to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope that day is close for you!
Happy ICLW, and thanks for stopping by! IF is a bear...it is something that can't be explained to people that haven't experienced it, and those photo cards have always tugged at my heart. Keeping my fingers crossed that your next IVF cycle is the one...:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment!
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are so so hard when we don't have what we desperately desire for such a long time.
- iclw #91
I stumbled upon your blog from stirrup queens- this is my first time reading it. I feel like we are leading parallel IF lives- seems like we have been trying about the same amount of time & I will be doing IVF #4 in about 3 months. Thanks for your writings.. Im not up to starting a blog yet, but appreciate the support I feel when I read the blogs here. I too had 2 friends share their pregnancies with me last month as I had my last biochemical miscarriage, which as you know isnt easy.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with #4 next month! Though this is a hard time for you, know that you are also helping fellow women in your situation by sharing your story!
You are a true veteran and have been through it all, haven't you? Here's to a successful and healthy 2011!!
ReplyDelete~Jem (ICLW #5)
I'm glad I'm not the only one who dreads holiday cards. Hope you had a great, relaxing Christmas and that you have a very successful cycle next month! Here's to 2011 being the best year yet! Lots of love and luck from ICLW #110!
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal for those of us suffering from IF to feel this way. I know I certainly do! We didn't decorate for Christmas this year either. As for Christmas cards, we opened them and quickly moved on. I know our friends mean well and I love that they thought of us, but it is so hard to see their happy families and not long for my own.
ReplyDeleteI hope your holiday was better than you expected and that you'll have a child of your own in the near future.
ICLW #92
You've definitely been through a lot. I think we can all relate to how you are feeling around the holidays. I can't believe I've been TTC for 3 straight Christmas' now....thought I'd have toddlers by this point! I'll be doing a round of IVF in January too....here's to hoping 2011 is OUR year!
ReplyDeleteI hope the holidays were ok for you, I know how hard they can be. You are fortunate not to have any little ones around, it can make it so much more difficult. My SIL is 6 years younger than me and got pregnant her 2nd month of "trying", its hard not to hate her.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your IVF cycle, I will be right behind (hopefully) with IVF 2.o. I plan to follow your journey!
Happy, healthy and fruitful 2011!
It's so comforting to know others out there didn't decorate or open cards either...Thanks for your candidness and beautifully honest words. Wishing you a smooth and VERY successful cycle. Happy New Year dear friend!!!
ReplyDeleteOh boy do I EVER get the card thing. Imagine my delight when I opened up a card before Christmas with a gigantic pic of our friends' dogs. :-) Now why didn't I think of that?
ReplyDeleteSuccessful cycle and a lifted spirit are my wishes for you for 2011, my friend. xoxo