We've had many heavy conversations about our next steps over these past few weeks, debating moving on to donor eggs, or trying one final IVF cycle with my body before moving on to a new option.
There have been moments where I am searching through donor profiles thinking if I could just let go of certain traits, for example, blond hair, or height, maybe this could work. The promise of such high success rates and the hope of feeling a baby grow in my belly is so attractive!
But I was also recently standing in the kitchen one night, during a pause in cooking dinner, with my back to the stove, looking straight at B, holding a towel in one hand and a spatula in the other, sobbing those heaving heavy tears..."I'm NOT ready to give up on my eggs! Not yet. I like me! I want "my" baby. I need closure and I don't have that yet"
Back and forth, around and around, letting it stir in my head, in my dreams, consuming and devouring my thoughts and energy...
And then last Sunday, we had brunch at our favorite Indian buffet with our good friends. I don't think the conversation was very baby focused, and in fact I'm having trouble actually recalling much of what was said. But on our way back home in the car, during a pause in conversation, I looked at B and calmly said, "Can we try one... last... time?"
And he decidedly confirmed, "Yes"
And so, with that, and a quiet release of the heaviness, our decision has been made.
One. Last. Time.....
Did you hear me, universe?
One.
Last.
Time.
Follow your heart and be true to yourself! I am putting this out to the universe and wishing and hoping and praying that this is the ONE for you!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI deeply hope that your baby is on his or her way soooo very soon. And when that happens, tell B we will go camera shopping so you're ready :P
ReplyDeleteAwww, YAY!!!! Hoping this decision has brought you peace and clarity. I will be cheering for you like crazy!!!!!
ReplyDeleteFollow your heart. I find mine calling louder and louder...to try again. But, at the same time, there is a place in my mind, a small echo in the background that says: are you in denial? how long do you want to live like this?
ReplyDeleteI think you need to keep trying until the voice in your mind takes over, until you feel you have exhausted your search in your heart. Though...if things don't work out, I think you will always wonder, hope, pray that you have some miracle child.
I know that voice so well. You need to do what your heart tells you; otherwise, it may become clouded with doubt. I will be hoping and praying that your next try is the one and you do not have to be faced with these hard decisions any more.
ReplyDeleteWhat an incredibly difficult decision. Thank you for writing about it. I am so glad some of that heaviness has lifted and you and B can move forward with your decision. I'm keeping you in my thoughts!
ReplyDeletewith you every step of the way....thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteDonor eggs are a big step. We're just about there, but I know the feeling of wanting to try just one more time. It's hard to give up on your own body. Take care!
ReplyDeleteGood luck girl! I am praying for you and cheering you on. I pray it works.
ReplyDeletePlease God, let it work.
Universe heard you loud and clear, my friend. :D
ReplyDeleteSo happy you've found the right decision for you. I know through this journey it can be difficult to find your heart' desire through all the grief and frustration.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes with your upcoming cycle!
Only you can decide when to move from your own eggs to donor eggs. Never let the clinic, the specialist, guilt, pressure guide your decision. It must come from within. Kudos on you and hubby for giving it another try.
ReplyDeleteLS x