"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

18 August 2010

... but I'm Still Crazy

Even after my previous post, even after feeling good about understanding letting go, I still come home and nag B about having a beer.

I know, I know... let it go, but this is what infertility makes you become...

...a crazy woman who feels guilty and conflicted about every little thing that she puts into her body that is not 'fertility friendly'

...a crazy woman who thinks her husband should feel the same way, especially since we have a semen analysis coming up that will help us determine if we are allowed to be in the free IVF study (and of course beer affects that... RIGHT?!?!?!...).

... a crazy woman who understands what it means to let go, but doesn't always know how to do it.

Damn you, infertility!

36 comments:

  1. it is so very hard to let go. Hoping you are able to find some balance with it. Hoping you get into the IVF study!

    ICLW

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  2. ICLW - you're absolutely right that infertility has a very special grip on making you question every little decision both you and your spouse make. I remember getting really mad at my husband because he wasn't taking a multivitamin while I was doing a million things during a round of injectables to help us get pregnant (expect that we didn't). I ultimately had to accept (even if I didn't like it!) that I can only control what I do and that made me a nicer person to live with both for my husband and myself. Hang in there - you're only human after all.

    Lily - The Infertile Mind

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  3. Happy ICLW!

    I recently wrote a post about letting go... it's a hard process and all the things that come up regularly make it even tougher.

    I see you recently discovered you have immune issues, good luck as you pursue future plans...

    Jess (#74)

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  4. Letting go is a continual process. It's two steps forward and one step back. You make progress, but it's slow and frustrating.

    Good luck and blessings to you!

    ICLW

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  5. Ahhh, the dichotomy that is infertility. So frustrating... I too have pledged to be open and find zen in this whole experience, only to then have a moment just like this one! We can't be too hard on ourselves though. We're all human, and trying the best we can. :)

    Here from ICLW.

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  6. I too am a bit of a control freak and have had a very hard time this past year coming to the realization that I have very little control over some of the things in my life. Still working on accepting that & trying to let go as well. Best of luck to you on your journey!

    ~ICLW

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  7. Happy ICLW week! And your thoughts sound about right, take it from a lifer!

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  8. I'm not a regular blogger and I had to go look up ICLW so here I am contributing! Don't beat yourself up K, "letting go" is a work in progress. Day by day....cut yourself some slack and live in the now!

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  9. For the life of me I can't figure out how to let it go. IF. Stress. Grudges. Anything! If you can figure it out, let me know! :)

    ICLW

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  10. My husband had a glass of wine at work before he left on Friday. After he told me that it was hours before I could get it out of my mind! It may be a good idea to let go, but it's not easy!! And you can't be crazy if this many people understand. ;-)

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  11. Found you via ICLW. I am certain that IF robbed a part of my mind that I will never recover. You are certainly not alone!

    ICLW#18

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  12. IF is a mindbreaker. I don't like the control freak version of me, but that is what I become during this waiting. Honestly, at this point I think to let go is simply impossible. So I hear ya'.
    Fingers crossed for teh IVF study, that would be an amazing opportunity!

    Happy ICLW
    #127
    erika

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  13. I wanted to say re your goal on the half ironman/woman thing in your sidebar, why wait til you're a Mum? 11 years ttc has taught me not to put off anything...because tomorrow may never come!

    Re letting go...if you hold on too tightly you may never be able to let go when you need to most.

    ICLW
    #56 Miss Ruby
    http://www.themissruby.blogspot.com/

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  14. Happy ICWL week!! I think that in a situation so out of control like IF, I think we try to control anything that we can get our hands on to make us feel a little better. I read your sidebar, it sounds like you have been through a ton. We seem to have a lot in common. wishing you the best!!

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  15. Hi from ICLW - I was the same way. Then my hubby had his SA and I found out neither the beer, cigarettes or anything else had affected his boys. IF is a rough journey. I hope you see your BFP soon!

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  16. Hi from ICLW... So sorry for your pain and frustration. We know all too well that weird balance between letting go and wanting so badly. It's so not easy and so unfair. I don't know what I'd do without this community...

    I hope you get to your 1/2 ironman!!! Last year, when I still thought hope was right around the corner, I told myself that I'd finally do that 1/2 marathon that I'd always been putting off. Secretly, I was hoping I'd get pregnant instead, but I didn't. And I finished the 1/2 marathon. And I'm so glad I didn't put it off. Training for a 1/2 ironman is a whole other story, but again, it's a balance of putting ourselves fully into what we want, and also not putting other things on hold...

    (((hugs)))

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  17. ICLW #2- Letting go still takes practice. It takes effort. Keep at it. Breathe. Oh, yeah and do the half ironman. You'll fill invincible!

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  18. Unfortunately, craziness is just par for the course. You care too deeply and want it too much to just shrug your shoulders and let it all just be. It's good to let go, but it's completely natural to have concerns and fears. I think finding the balance between the two is what you should really be striving toward.

    Happy ICLW!

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  19. Stopping by from ICLW...
    I don't think you are crazy! This is what going through IF does to us. It makes you want to hang on to and control whatever pieces of your life that you can, since it takes away all other parts of control.

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  20. I agree with the above poster. You are not crazy, your mind and body are stretched to their limits and how you're feeling is normal. To go through so much takes a strong woman, and I have no doubts that you truly are strong and amazing. Your previous post was so touching and beautiful, I took a lot away from it.

    Praying for you!
    Happy IComLeavWe!
    <3MaryAnne #135

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  21. I think learning to let go is one of life's lessons. At least you know you should be letting things go...you are already ahead of the game!

    Happy ICLW--

    Pixie--
    Cheese Curds and Kimchi

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  22. Stopping by from ICLW. Letting go is really really hard. I struggle with it too. Best wishes on the path you choose. I tested positive for APAs and have endo too. DH and I did a few IVF cycles at SIRM because they do believe in the immune connection to endo. Even though we weren't successful, I'm still glad we sought them out and did the best we could.

    Take care.

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  23. I think even when we learn to let go of the things we can't control, we still find it difficult to let go of those things we can. So the things that we do that aren't "fertility friendly" ride us and goad us into turning into that "crazy" woman. Although, I don't think you're crazy...just cautious. Good luck! I hope you find the answers you're looking for very soon!

    Happy ICLW!

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  24. Here from ICLW. Letting go is REALLY hard. Knowing you need to let go is 80% of it!!!

    Best of luck!

    ICLW#137

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  25. Here via ICLW! So very hard to let go through this process. There's so much you can't control, so of course you hold on to the things you can. Hope you get your BFP soon!

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  26. It is hard to let go, and it's a long, hard process. Hang in there. *hugs*

    -ICLW new friend.

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  27. You have to find a happy medium. While you want the best for your body and your husbands, you can't take the joy away too. Just a thought. You'll find a good balance, I'm sure. Just keep working together.

    ICLW

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  28. Letting go is easier said than done. Hope the SA puts you in the trial and you get that free (and successful) IVF!

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  29. ICLW #77

    Letting go of control is one of the hardest things in this process....there is so much we CAN'T control, which means that the things we can, we REALLY want to. I hope you are able to find a balance :) BIG HUGS AND GOOD LUCK!

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  30. But see, you identified what you were doing! You can't let it go if you don't recognize it first. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself and finding ways that help identify what is not beneficial thinking. Your yoga experience from your last post sounded really empowering. Best of luck to you in letting go, as well as the SA and IVF study!

    ICLW

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  31. Happy ICLW. Being an infertile is hard for so many reasons. And I think it can make communication in a relationship difficult as well.

    I hope the SA goes well!

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  32. Infertility definitely makes you a crazy person! Cycling, temping, all the hormones, emotions...It's maddening. That's the thing..we always know we have to let go of it...but we never know how! I'm hoping your SA comes back great and that you are able to participate in the free IVF cycle!

    ICLW #55

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  33. I think if you experience IF that you are automatically allowed to be a little crazy whenever you want. We f-ing earn that!

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  34. I confess, I'd feel the same way you do. I think with all we go through with IF, we're entitled to be a little neurotic at times. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!!

    Happy ICLW!

    Amber
    ICLW #9

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  35. My husband and I have seen a counselor a few times about all this crazy IF stuff. On one occasion, she explained to my husband how a woman who is experiencing IF feels about her body.

    It's not like I hadn't told him before. But it was helpful for him to hear it from someone else.

    They just can't totally GET it. I think men view their part in this whole thing so differently from how we do....

    You're not crazy. :) Or if you are, so are the rest of us!

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  36. (((HUGS))) don't be too hard on yourself. Letting go isn't an easy thing to do. It is a process and it takes time to retrain your brain of letting go of a dream.

    And you may have reached an understanding of letting go, but putting it into practice takes time.

    You're not crazy at all, Sweetie.

    Happy ICLW
    Jonelle #11

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