"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

22 January 2010

Cleanse: Days 1-3

I like food...
I really like food...
And I spend much of  my day wondering what my next meal is going to be. In the morning I thinks about what I should have for a snack in a few hours, and then I think about how yummy my leftovers from last nights dinner are going to be at lunch and then later in the afternoon, after my other snack, I start to think about what to make for dinner.

And going through a few days of only being allowed to eat certain types of foods really drives home the point that I focus a lot of my daily energy on food. Even though I've been able to eat a lot of usual things (fruits, veggies, grains) because I can't have other foods, I find myself struggling a bit and really wanting those foods. For example.. Beer and Pizza and Chocolate would be fantastic right about now. Even some potato chips... oh hey, those are veggies, aren't they??? 

And of course I can find a parallel to my baby journey.

I want a baby...
I really want a baby...

And my baby doesn't seem to be 'on the list' right now. So I find myself thinking about my baby often. Daily at least, maybe even hourly. I think to myself.... What are my next steps? Have we thought about all possibilities? Why didn't our 3 IVF cycles work? Why can't one of Madison's best doctors figure that out? Why do I feel like I have to be the doctor and detective and innovator? What will it be like to have a baby in my arms? When will I get to have my baby? If I knew when, maybe I could just be patient and happier in the moment instead of wondering will this ever happen? I'm not ready to give up.

But the parallels end here because I KNOW that on Tuesday night, I can have a beer and chocolate and pizza if I want. In fact I COULD have them right now, but I'm just choosing not to. But I DON'T know when my baby will come. And that's hard. But maybe learning more about being patient, even through food, will help me continue on this journey towards parenthood with a bit more presence.

So, onward with the Cleanse to the dreaded Day 4 ( NO FOOD!) and onward with the baby quest.  But first, let's figure out what yummy veggies I'm gonna fill my belly with this evening.

1 comment:

  1. I've been really enjoying all these posts and check-in regularly for the next one. Keep up the good work!! Love you, K & B!