"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

02 November 2010

Close but No Cigar

As election night is being analyzed on my TV, I have my own results to report.... We aren't pregnant.... anymore.

We had another chemical pregnancy, just like my first IVF cycle.

I'm really kind of numb right now and am not sure exactly why I'm not freaking out too much but I think maybe because we are already developing plans for our next steps, even though we're don't know exactly which direction to go.

Here are two things I do know:
  1. I was pregnant this cycle. I felt it in my body and for 3 days, it was bliss. I could feel my body reacting to the embryos, accepting them and encouraging them to stay. I was thinking finally, this hellish journey is over and we can move forward and release the heaviness that hangs in the air. 
  2. There is no other person in this world who I would rather have with me in this, and that's B. He keeps me grounded but lets me mourn. He keeps me focused but lets me think out loud. He keeps me comforted but lets me sob. I love you B and we will be parents. I know we will.
Today, I don't have much to say except that I'm taking this moment by moment since my thoughts change so much and so quickly.  During the day, I'm grateful to have a job that helps me focus on other things. I also feel like I have a lot of things to research and budgets to figure out and next steps to plan.

But all of that can wait for a while.  Right now, I need to crawl into a hole for a few days and regain my emotional strength and peace of mind. I need to crawl into a hole and mourn the loss of my 2 little embryos and feel them watch over me. I need to crawl into a hole and find a quiet mind so I can listen to what the world has in store for me.

I truly hope that our next steps are our last. I'm getting really tired of this.


  1. I am so sorry. Crawl into a comforting place, close to B. My thoughts are with you both as you mourn and regain your strength to decide next steps.

  2. (((BIG HUG))) I'm so sorry hon, thinking of you and DH at this time :-(

  3. Aaaauuugghhhhh! Is there any silver-lining in the fact that those 4 cell fighters got on the radar screen. Probably not! I am just so sad for you and I understand this feeling of defeat and frustration. I'm here if you need to chat.

    When you are ready for next steps, let's connect - I have some ideas~


  4. I am so sorry ((((hugs)))).

    I wish I could say something to take your pain away.

  5. I'm so sorry, Kathleen. Despite the fact that I only stayed with you guys for a couple days, it was obvious that you both are stronger then your fears and stronger then your sadness. You will get through this, I know you will. But until then, you and B will be in my thoughts.

  6. Oh no, I am so very sorry. This is heartbreaking and I know that this cycle has been a major rollercoaster.
    I am so glad that you and your husband have each other as you continue to grieve this loss.
    thinking of you and sending love your way.

  7. UGH!!!!! I am SO SO sorry. I was really hoping this was IT! Take the time to grieve this loss. You have been through some serious ups and downs this cycle, which is just exhausting and i am sure you are emotionally drained. Sometimes the closer you get, the harder it is (at least it was for me). You are that much closer and can FEEL it working and then have it so harshly ripped away. it is just so incredibly cruel and unfair. Your strength, poise and perspective is just incredible and I am so glad you have such a great relationship with B. He sounds amazing! Will be thinking of you. Hugs!

  8. I'm so sorry this didn't work. I find that it takes about 6 weeks to mourn a loss. The first two weeks are brutal. Just be gentle with yourself and treat yourself to some things. A manicure. A dress. Some boots. Something. We tend to deny ourselves things when going through this process...but in the grand scheme of things, it's just money and time.

    But, I think this is a really *good* sign. You CAN get pregnant. Your little 4-cell low chance of success embryos STUCK for a little while. That's GOOD news. More information. This is all just one big painful science experiment!!


  9. I love that B takes such wonderful care of you. And I love that you proclaimed your KNOWING that you two will be parents.....I'm officially letting the lump in my throat be free. :'-( xoxo

  10. I am so very sorry. Chemical pregnancies are so awful, because you get just a GLIMPSE of that happiness and then it's ripped away. And you're left feeling as if you can't really mourn for something that was barely there, and yet it was SO there.

    I am glad that your husband is such a strong source of support for you. And your attitude is inspiring. I do agree - you'll get there. But the road is so difficult and I will be thinking of you along the way.

  11. So sorry that your happiness was ripped away so quickly. You've fought so hard - it's so unfair. ((Hugs))

  12. The strength and love you and B have WILL get you through this and you WILL be parents somehow....Big HUGS to you and be good to yourself...xoxo

  13. So sorry for your loss. Glad you are taking the time to grieve and heal...sending good thoughts your way.

  14. I am sorry for your losses. I am sitting her with you as you mourn.

  15. Dear Kathleen, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember: you will be parents. It might be different than you thought it would be, but you will be parents.

    Your story sounds unfortunately so familiar. I have also endometriosis and had two chemical pregnancies in the past.

    Currently we are in the 2ww for IVF#4... But in 2008 we had enough of the emotional rollercoaster and and adopted a little girl which is the joy of our lives.

    Sending you lots of hugs!

  16. I am only going to feel hopeful for you. You will be parents !!

  17. Kathleen - I secretly follow your blog, and I have been closely watching your journey. I am sorry ... I will continue to pray that your dreams and wishes come true. Hang in there and know that you arre always in my prayers.


  18. Just catching up on this, and I am so very sorry to hear this news. It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself however. Many hugs.

  19. Dear Kathleen - my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so sorry.
    best wishes

  20. Hi K, I'm here for you if you need anything. I love you and B so much. You are always in my thoughts. xoxo