For this post, I thought I'd collect some thoughts that go through my head during this wait so you can get a feel for the madness that is my mind during this wait. B always said that I'd never ever want to be in his head for a day, since its a scary place. But I feel like I could top his scary place right now.
- I fear the decisions I will have to face if this cycle doesn't work.
- I fear all of the sympathy from all of the people I know that will know that this cycle didn't work. I don't want to cry in front of them and I am uncomfortable when people feel sad for me.
- I fear what all of this has done to our financial stability.
- I fear B and I will not have the same thoughts on next steps if this doesn't work and it will cause us some tension.
- Because I can't control this outcome, I try to control other things, like every aspect of B's actions. Sorry B! You know I love you. I will try my hardest to curb my controlling "remarks".
- Because I can't control this outcome, I try to control other things, like what I eat, what I do to my body and mind. I try to will those embryos in my body to continue to grow and stick around by visualizations, meditations.... Come on, Kathleen, fertiles don't need to do this to get pregnant, do you really think that it will matter for you?
- I'm angry at everyone. I was in Whole
PaycheckFoods and people were just pissing me off. They were running like chickens with their heads cut off on a Sunday afternoon trying to get their grocery shopping in for the week and bumping into me as I slowly move through the world like a zombie. And I just wanted to scream, "YOU PEOPLE ALL SUCK! YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. BE NICE TO ME!!"
- I think of those 2 little embryos and just dream of the what if, what if they both stuck! I hope hope hope that we have twins!
- Thank god for work. I felt like a normal person today on my first day physically back at work in 2 weeks. Not only was my mind occupied with things other than googling success rates of day 3 4-cell embryo transfers (not good btw) but they actually missed me! Flowers, and a card and a gift certificate to a resaurant I want to try. It gives me hope that I will survive a letdown because there is more in my life than just infertility.
- I hope that every time I wake up in the morning I will feel something: nauesa, tender boobs, cramps, anything.... something... (alas.... nothing)