"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

02 November 2010

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Wait

I haven't been in the two week wait of an IVF cycle since late September of last year. At that time, it was my 3rd wait.  I had had one one fresh and one frozen that prior spring. This is my 4th 2ww and I know well how how my mind cycles through hope, sadness, peace and madness. But mostly, I hate that I have to go through this process.

For this post, I thought I'd collect some thoughts that go through my head during this wait so you can get a feel for the madness that is my mind during this wait. B always said that I'd never ever want to be in his head for a day, since its a scary place. But I feel like I could top his scary place right now.

  • I fear the decisions I will have to face if this cycle doesn't work.
  • I fear all of the sympathy from all of the people I know that will know that this cycle didn't work. I don't want to cry in front of them and I am uncomfortable when people feel sad for me. 
  • I fear what all of this has done to our financial stability.
  • I fear B and I will not have the same thoughts on next steps if this doesn't work and it will cause us some tension.
  • Because I can't control this outcome, I try to control other things, like every aspect of B's actions. Sorry B! You know I love you. I will try my hardest to curb my controlling "remarks".
  • Because I can't control this outcome, I try to control other things, like what I eat, what I do to my body and mind. I try to will those embryos in my body to continue to grow and stick around by visualizations, meditations.... Come on, Kathleen, fertiles don't need to do this to get pregnant, do you really think that it will matter for you?
  • I'm angry at everyone. I was in Whole Paycheck Foods and people were just pissing me off. They were running like chickens with their heads cut off on a Sunday afternoon trying to get their grocery shopping in for the week and bumping into me as I slowly move through the world like a zombie. And I just wanted to scream, "YOU PEOPLE ALL SUCK! YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. BE NICE TO ME!!"
  • I think of those 2 little embryos and just dream of the what if, what if they both stuck! I hope hope hope that we have twins!
  • Thank god for work. I felt like a normal person today on my first day physically back at work in 2 weeks. Not only was my mind occupied with things other than googling success rates of day 3 4-cell embryo transfers (not good btw) but they actually missed me! Flowers, and a card and a gift certificate to a resaurant I want to try. It gives me hope that I will survive a letdown because there is more in my life than just infertility.
  • I hope that every time I wake up in the morning I will feel something: nauesa, tender boobs, cramps, anything.... something... (alas.... nothing)


  1. Hugs,

    I am the same way with trying to control other things when I can't control what is happening to me. It use to drive DH up the wall, what what we decided to do is come up with a list of things for me to "control" when I was feeling out of control, things like food, our plans that kind of thing, I simply tell DH that I have that need to control things, and he lets me, I find this keeps me from trying to control him too much.

    Don't feel bad about it, if it makes you feel better then just do it!!

    Sending you tons of hugs!!!!

  2. I can totally relate to this post, 100%. It's amazing all the things that float through your mind. It's like all of the emotions you've ever felt flow out of you 24-7 for 2 weeks. Fingers crossed for you, very hard.

  3. Ooh, I can understand this post. I just yelled at my husband this morning because he didn't have my son dressed for the day. He has to do everything *perfect* and exactly as I expect in order for me to not yell. It's not good for either of us. In addition, I usually use exercise as my stress release...but I'm having a really hard time with that this time. I don't want to stop running. I don't want to give up everything again. Oh, and I get mad at people too. I actually had a screaming fight with a woman at a stoplight b/c she was honking her horn at me b/c she thought I cut her off (I did not). Sigh.

    These are hard times. There will be balance...you are strong enough to handle this...just keep breathing.

  4. wow. what a flashback post for me. i totally remember all of these fears and angers and hopes and control issues and how incredibly intense (and also incredibly personal and private like NO ONE ELSE could ever possibly understand what it's like because they're not inside MY head) these feelings are, especially during the 2ww.

    I think that telling people about a failed transfer was always the hardest part of the process for me. It's like I could handle it if it was only inside my head, but as soon as I shared it with someone, someone who'd been waiting and hoping with me for a happy answer, it was like I'd let them down. They didn't get the storybook ending they were craving and they usually didn't know what to say and anything they did say just made me cry more. I'm still not sure what the right thing would have been to say. Maybe a brisk, "well, that's done then. Let's go to the spa and sit in a hot tub." But I think each person I shared my story with also needed time to process their own small griefs for me and a response like that would have felt un-caring to them.

    During my journey, I went twice to a Reiki Massage Therapist and one of the most helpful things she told me was that I needed to open myself up to the universe of possibility. It sounds a little corny and trite, but somehow, when the fears of "what if.." became overwhelming, if I took a deep breath and reminded myself to stay open to any possibility it helped me to stop grabbing for control in a completely uncontrollable situation.

    No matter what happens, this is part of your story and your story will continue to be written and you will find your way through it--no. matter. what.

    And if you need a hot tub buddy at ANY point in the future, I'm there for you. Although I can't promise to look good in a swimsuit. :)