The first month or so after a failed IVF cycle are filled with so many emotions and thoughts racing through my head that they really clog up my ability to find peace. I'm constantly battling in my head between next steps. Should we try one last time with my eggs? Should we look more into donor eggs? Or should we adopt?
These I guess are my new options. After my WTF appointment with the study doctor (RE #5), I had all of my records sent to my doctor here in town (RE #2 - IVF #1&2.. and who we'd go back to if we tried more). She's fantastic. I really like the way she communicates and thinks about these things. She's smart, knows the research well, lets me give her my thoughts on the research and she's honest. I had a follow up with her last Friday. We sat and talked for about a half hour about her thoughts. She said that while it is likely the protocol wasn't good for my body, and potentially it could have just been an off month for me, when the embryologist in the study mentioned that my eggs were 'spongy and grainy', it confirmed her thoughts as to why my first 2 IVF cycles failed. Once again... sucky eggs. Everything else looks just about perfect for my age, except my egg quality.
She would agree to try one last time with my eggs, but the chances of success, from her opinion are only 5%. FIVE.... PERCENT!
Shit.
I've now entered into a whole new world. A whole new thing to have to grieve and figure out how to process and come to terms with.
On the brighter side, she said, donor eggs would yield about a 70% chance of success, which is very attractive, but we're not there yet. I've spent a few hours here and there over the past few weeks researching donor eggs, as it's never been on my radar before. Now that it is, I need to understand it before we can make a decision if this or adoption is the next best step for us.
So far, I've found the donor egg world is just SO overwhelming (granted so is adoption, but we've looked into that already somewhat and so are comfortable with that... to the extent we can be). I've found myself this past week looking at all sorts of people I pass at work, or in the grocery store, or at the gas station... worrying about, what if we pick a donor, and our baby looks like THAT! Or what if our baby is ugly and I don't love it. I know these might seem like irrational fears to some of you, they also might seem very bitchy, but I assure you if you were in this situation, the first time you even let this idea of donor eggs enter your head, you'd go through the same thoughts. I know there are a lot of positives to this choice too, but I'm not there right now.
Currently, today, I'm really attached to my hair and my legs (figuratively AND literally ;-) ) They are two of my favorite traits and I really wanted to be able to pass those along to my child. Again, while this is not important in the whole scheme of things its something little that I'll have to let go of. Is this selfish? I don't even know. I'm so confused internally right now with the feelings I'm having. Is it important enough for me to possibly experience pregnancy and carry my child to do this? What about the donor, what responsibilities do I have to her? And then all the fears of, should this be the option we choose, and should it work, how do you tell your child and when and what will they think and ....?
My brain is spinning and I'm still trying to figure out a way in my head to do one last cycle with my body, even though logically, financially this doesn't make sense. But I'm an addict in some way. I think many of us who go through multiple IVF cycle are. We're addicted to the hope of maybe... just maybe... we'll find that one good egg. And our dreams will come true.
Hi there. Just stopping by for ICLW week. I would have the same questions about an egg donor. At the very least, they must provide a pic, right, if not an entire bio that includes standardized test scores!! Good luck.
ReplyDeletewow, that is a lot to deal with. I am glad that you got some real answers from RE, while 5% is not what anyone wants to hear it does tell you what is what. There is something kind of attractive about that to me, a comfort in just knowing.
ReplyDeleteI know these next steps are not easy and I hope you can give yourself time to grief and sit with your thoughts so that you can find a solution that you can live with.
thinking of you....
Hey there, I am new to following your blog:) I hope your last IVF cycle with your eggs WILL end with finding that one good egg. I can see, though, how confusing it is to sort through all of your options at this point, not just from a pragmatic standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint, too. I do not think any of your concerns about donor eggs are selfish or "bitchy" as you call them. I think most of us would worry or at least think about the same things.
ReplyDeleteWhat a crossroads. I have been belabouring donor egg/sperm vs. adoption myself. I'm not sure how long I want to pursue this IVF path. Maybe at least 3-4 cycles? But, will those next two cycles be a waste of $$?? I'm trying to find research on whether children have a harder time processing that they were conceived through donor egg/sperm or adopted. Some research indicates that it is harder for children to come to terms with their donor status. I think it depends on the child...but let me know if you find anythign.
ReplyDeleteMourning the loss of a biological child is difficult. To never know the unique creation that is your child with your chosen love is heart-breaking. But, having known families that have chosen adoption, you are still creating a family with your spouse. You are creating the environment in which these children will be raised, their values, their activities, etc.
And, I don't think it is vain or selfish to want your child to have your traits and look like you. You can choose a donor that reminds you of yourself or has these characteristics. And, I don't think that you "owe" anything to the donor. They are chosing to give you this gift. Some of them can specify whether they want to have contact with the child.
I wish you lived closer so that we could get together for a walk and talk about this.
Hello from ICLW. I recently heard someone describe fertility treatments as an addiction and I thought that was a great way to describe it. Good luck with whatever you decide, I wish you the best!
ReplyDeleteOn the plus side though K, you could eliminate the risk of passing on B's short legs and shaggy hair - as a professional risk expert you should surely see that as a plus ;)
ReplyDeleteTough choices! It is great that you are comfortable with your local doctor. I have always considered that fact that we might need an egg donor and I have had similar feelings. It sounds terrible but it even felt a bit strange to consider my sister (who shares my DNA). I kept thinking about her faults (trust me I have more) and focusing on them. It is not that I think I am perfect so I am not sure what my issue is.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, sorry you are going through this. I find that none of the decisions are easy when dealing with infertility.
Take care,
KC
Thanks for the post, I am not sure that it is ideal but at least things are looking up. I am starting to look at this first cycle of IVF as a learning experience more than just pinning my hopes and dream on it. Although I have never been in control of my emotions so I am sure I am still in for a roller coaster ride!
ReplyDeleteAgain, this is a lot to process. I don't have anything insightful to add but look forward to seeing you soon and hearing more about what you've learned.
ReplyDeleteUgh, this is such a tough spot. I found myself in a very similar place when we found out about my husband's balanced translocation and I didn't know if we would have the ability to make any good embryos. We were considering donor sperm in our case, but I think much of the emotions are the same. I did the same thing...researched the heck out of both donor sperm and adoption at that point. I was leaning toward donor sperm just because I liked the idea of having control over the prenatal health, the ability to experience pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. I felt like I was being robbed of those things. Also, all of the crazy adoption story failures just really freaked me out - donor felt like we had more control. So I looked into the process of selecting a donor. For me, it was really weird to read a description of this random person and hear voice recordings and consider that I could make a baby with that stranger. I pondered using my husband's brother or father's sperm to get someone as close to my husband as possible...but then how awkward is Thanksgiving dinner when my brother in law's CHILD - now OUR child - is at the table. Do you tell the child or never tell a soul? My IVF coordinator told me a story of a couple that had 4 brothers. All 4 sent sperm samples and they agreed to never find out which one was the father. Sounds kinda cool, but most of us don't have that many siblings... still you have the challenge of how much you want to tell the child. My husband kept making comments that told me he felt like this would be MY baby, not OURS, and if that is how he felt, then it wasn't an option for me. We had to stay a team. So for us, adoption was looking like the best option. We are still trying to use our eggs and sperm...we have 1 or 2 shots left and then we'll be back in this boat. It is such a tough spot and I'm so sorry you have to make this decision. I hate that money and odds force us to make these life altering decisions. The only thing I kept trying to tell myself is to stay open minded, learn as much as I can, talk to my husband and make sure we are on the same page and follow our hearts. What's meant to be will be! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a brutal impasse to reach. I can't offer any hard core advice, not having had to grapple with these particular issues. But these are some heavy decisions to make concerning identity, genetics, parenthood, etc.
ReplyDeleteI CAN offer this. I have a friend who tried IUI's and IVF's over the course of probably three years. She never became pregnant with any of the procedures. Finally, having reached the same impasse that you have, she and her husband decided to pursue donor eggs. They had a friend who they approached for her eggs (a brave decision in my books. I guess you have to weigh dealing with a known entity vs. the benefits of anonymity).
They subsequently have a daughter. And they are deeply in love with her. My friend told me that she feels absolutely complete with her IF journey because it led her to her beautiful daughter who she perceives as having been meant for her all along. It was all a journey to that one little soul and it was totally worth it.
Oh, my friend.....I don't know that I'd want to live in your head right now. I'd probably be nauseous from the spinning. :-( So many things to consider. So many "what ifs." Can I just tell you how brave you are for talking about the very real concern/thoughts about your child potentially not having your hair and/or legs? I always thought T and I would have babies with beautiful eyes, and I mourn that. Makes me feel not so alone. So, thanks. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI don't personally understand the war going on inside you with this issue as my infertility was solved relatively easy...but the journey was still hard....I do understand the grief of not getting some of those dreams you cherished and held onto for so long... It isn't silly, or wrong...it is how you feel...you have the right to your feelings and you have the right to own them and work through them without feeling worse because it feels like you shouldn't feel that was..I say good for you for understanding and owning them and I hope that you can work through them so you can continue your journey....as I just wrote in another blog, it doesn't matter their DNA....it matters how much love you have to give them.....Happy ICLW
ReplyDeleteThis must be so hard. I can't imagine being in your position. It is not silly to think of those things at all when considering the issue of donor eggs. You want to have a biological child and you want to pass along your traits. That is normal. I would think the same things as well. Good luck making your next decision. I look forward to following along your journey.
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW :) It's good to at least be thinking ahead. I might soon be up against the decision of using donor eggs, but I'm also using donor sperm as an SMC, so its a whole different angle. It's funny how if we adopt, we're not really worried about what children would look like - maybe there's concern about loving, but I know anecdotally that that's not a real concern. However, with donor eggs it can feel like we're loosing something, rather than gaining something. My baby may not really look like me at all, and yet, suddenly if it's not my genetics I'm upset about it. Fertility is a funny thing. Best wishes on your journey.
ReplyDeleteI think it is great that you have a doctor that you can communicate with.. so important! I can totally understand where you are coming from. I remember my doctor suggesting donor eggs and I just couldn't wrap my brain around it at the time... Take your time and listen to your heart!
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW week. Glad I came across your blog. We are faced with possibly doing IVF w/a Donor Egg. Funny, I thought the same things while out & about running errands, looking at possible Egg Donors, and or families w/kids to see if the kids looked like their parents. We have also looked into adoption briefly, as we almost adopted privately but it didn't work out.
ReplyDeleteWe follow up 1st week of Dec. w/the R/E to see what are options are after we discuss all the test results.
Best wishes to you on your journey.
The Cs
Hi Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteIt osunds like you are being really smart in opening your eyes to the options available to you. If you can suspend your judgements temporarily, and look at every option even remotely possible and put down just the facts, i.e. what it entails, who has to do it, the time, the money, etc... Then, make a list of all the things you want in your life and tick the boxes next to each option until you can tally up what would give you the best chances. Finally, put down your feelings about each option. If your husband does the same thing, then you can exchange lists and get each other's perspectives and have something to go on that will fit your unique needs and desires best. Don't worry about how it will sound to someone else. It's about you and what you want for your life and your parenting experience that matters.
Lisa (ICLW #30 Your Great Life)
Hi Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post on my blog. I agree that it is weird that they started me on such a low dose of Gonal F. I asked them about it because I had read that older women need more drugs to stimulate growth but they told me they were worried about over stimulating and that it was there standard practice to start low. Then when they raised it to 225 I asked if they thought that would be enough and they said plenty. Like I posted earlier I have been tempted all along to up the dose myself. I know I said on my blog that I was leaning towards cancelling the cycle but truth be told I am wavering.
Thanks again, it sounds like we are in very similar positions. I know I have talked to you before about potentially using my sister's eggs because paid egg donors are illegal in Canada. I am now wondering if instead of using my own egg next cycle if I should go straight to using hers. I have also been really trying to get hubby to consider adoption. Anyways, I will be watching to see how you decide to continue your journey to conceive.
These decisions we have to make kind of suck, don't they? Someone else's eggs or adoption or an itty-bitty chance of having a baby that's totally ours? Nobody ever warned us that these were the choices we'd be faced with. I wish for you that you are able to make a decision with which you can be at peace, and most of all, that you get your baby--enough already.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
lady pumpkin
ICLW #16
Here for ICLW. You have some tough choices to make with no easy or right answers. Wishing you luck with whatever you choose!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW. Those are some tough decisions to make and some of the thoughts and fears I have when I think about adoption or donor eggs. The desire to have a biological connection is difficult to let go of. But, I don't know anyone who has made the decision to adopt or go with donor gametes of one sort or another who has regretted it for a minute. Good luck with your decisions.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you on your thought process around embryo adoption. I hadn't thought about those things before, but I know I would be worried about ending up with an ugly baby. lol Voicing that is just being honest, and that does not make you a selfish person. Anyone would think about those things.
ReplyDeleteThe position you are in right now is a difficult one. You are thinking about the fact that you might have to give up the dream you have had in your head since you were a little girl, and that is no easy feat. Yes motherhood is possible. That's not what is in question here. You are facing the very real possibility that achieving motherhood might not happen in the way you always dreamed and that it might not look the way you always thought it would, with little children who shared your best features. That is something that has to be worked through a grieved over before you will be ready to really make a decision about your next step. I completely understand that.
No matter how you make it to motherhood, you will never regret getting there, and that is all that matters at the end of the day.