"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

30 November 2010


First, I wanted to say THANK YOU! I have more than 50 followers! Yippee! Thanks for following my story. It really means a lot to me. And so do all of your comments. I love the blogging world for the community it has built for those of us walking this path. It helps me realize that I am not alone and that there are others out there who have walked this path before and have succeeded. And it gives me strength to keep walking and hoping that one day my dream will come true, in some form. So thank you, deeply from my heart. I hope that I have been able to support you as well.

Next goal... 75! or shoot, should I try for 100???

Secondly, thanks so much for helping me decide which blog post to enter into the Creme de la Creme contest. I asked you for your help last week and the clear winner for my entry is "The Hot Pink Paperweight". Wish me luck!

Ok, so where are we with our next steps, you ask? I'm still not sure. All I know is that I need to make a decision because this limbo is eating away at me. I feel anxious, I'm not sleeping well and I feel like I could scream at most everyone who is in my way or does something that irritates me just a little bit.

For the last week or so, we've been heavily weighing our options. They mostly come down to either  trying one last time with my body or moving on to donor eggs. We've considered adoption and its just not a door we want to open at this time. But as I consider these options, I get a little voice in my head that still doesn't believe that I'm here... I still don't believe that we've been at this for almost 4 years, that we've tried multiple IUIs, IVF, diet changes, immune testing, exploratory laparoscopy, yoga, acupuncture, 'not trying', 'relaxing' (and PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX)... And nothing has worked.

And so we are still here, still trying. But the tables have turned on us. No longer do we fit into the group that has a high likelihood of IVF working. We are now in that group of, "Yeah, you could give it another try, but a better bet with your money is adoption or donor eggs"... I'm sure like others of you who have been give the same talk, there's a part of you that is in shock, hurt, deflated, and then there's another part of you that just turns to stone, and doesn't believe, and doesn't understand really what this means.

And when you finally do get a small glimpse in your head of what this means, that this could mean that we aren't going to end up with a full genetically linked child, that we are going to have to grieve that loss and figure out how too and who to tell... well, I guess I can't just expect myself to make a decision and be happy with it. Either way, it sucks.

On one hand, we can try one last time with my body, but statistically we'd be throwing away a lot of $$ that we could be using towards the donor eggs or adoption. On the other hand, I don't want to regret not giving it one last shot, with a protocol that would be tailored to MY body and not a clinical trial protocol (like my last study), and with other methods that might help the potential immune issues as well... one... last.... try...

Anyways, I'm rambling, but it is a true picture of what is going on in my head. I only hope that I can sort it out soon and find my way back to peace.


  1. Ahhh......I hate when the thoughts just go around and around in my head and nothing gets any clearer. The hardest part is the unknown and that there is no right or wrong answer. I don't know your financial situation but I know my resources are limited. I can see how quickly rules can be made and then broken when it comes to limits and when to stop. Just out of curiousity and I probably should know this from following your blog but would you change the protocol if you did another cycle with your own eggs?

  2. If only we could look into the future to see how this all turns out. I wish I had answers for you and I wish I knew what path will bring us to motherhood - the path of least resistance would be nice :)

    I think if you have the cash and you feel confident (as confident as you can be) about your new protocol, I'd try again with your own eggs... I think that is what I'd do.

    Egg donor option will always be there.

    Thinking of you and am here beside you every step of this journey!

  3. Thank YOU. Your comments mean a lot to me, too.

    It sounds like you really want to try again with your own eggs. Moving on to donor eggs, like you say, is a HUGE emotional leap from IVF. It is smart to be cautious and conflicted and take time to make that decision. Have you talked to your RE, or a new RE, about what a new individualized protocol might be?

    So much to think about, Kathleen. Even though you are overwhelmed with options, it sounds like you are taking care of yourself and working through this. I'm sending my support.

  4. I totally feel for you. This is such a hard place to be - and there seems like no "right" answers. I was in the same place before we started this past cycle. I just had to have clarity, a plan, to know what was next if this didn't work. I'm not sure we totally figured it out (it seems to be one step at a time), but writing and talking about it is the best thing you can do - to get to the core of your heart and what it's telling you. Hang in there. Wishing you clarity very soon!!

  5. The problem is...no answer really fits. The answer you want is a family, your own family, with your legs and hair. And, anything else is a loss. I would be wary of doing another cycle if it would mean that you couldn't do donor eggs, but in the end...it's just $$ and you will pay it off. I figure that all the $$ I have spent is $$ I would have been spending on childcare or related activities anyway...

    I would definitely give yourself time to sort through these questions...do a lot of research...talk to people that have gone down different paths...and see what resonates the most with you.


  6. Hello rock, meet hard place. :-( Sorry to hear things are up in the air right now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with the rest of us. I'm rooting for you... no matter what you decide! :-)