"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

03 September 2010

Getting Ahead of Myself

I know I am getting ahead of myself with this post, but I had a realization tonight....and it made me feel like I had something in my hand that I treasured and it was just rudely ripped away.

If we are lucky enough to have a biological child from the plans we have decided on over the next few months, I don't think we'll go through all of this for a second child. I know, never say never, but it simply seems so daunting to start this journey all over again for a second child. So because of that, we'll be faced with adoption or having only one child. (Yes, I fully admit, this is only one scenario of how my life can go, but it is a possibility and It just kind of hit me tonight that it IS a possibility)

I'm sad. I may have to work so incredibly hard to have our first child that we simply don't have the emotionally and financial resources to figure out how to have a second.

I always dreamed that if we did have children, we would have more than one B and I both come from larger families. I want to hear that laughter of my CHILDREN playing with each other, and fighting about silly things and giving advice to each other and.... But there's a distinct reality that we may only have one.... If that!

So needless to say, I was freaking out last night at this new realization..

I think the point of this post is to show how it takes time to see how infertility affects your whole life. Even beyond potential success. Its not just that you are trying and trying and trying so hard to achieve your first goal, but it can affect your second, third and so on goals... It affects the timing of events in your life, it affects plans you had for retirement, it affects your dreams of moving to different places, of trying new things. It affects it because your life feels on hold and static yet ever moving/focused towards the one very large goal. And you feel robbed of other dreams. And yes, dreams aren't everything, and learning to live in the present moment is very important...

But you still have dreams.

And I know that some of you will say, go for your dreams! And as easy as that sounds, its just not the same. Yes, we can still find things to keep us here and happy in the moment and trying to find peace in our current situation, but this is a draining process, emotionally, physically, financially. And that constant drain still affects your dreams, even if you continue to try to achieve them.

P.s..... the reality of no children is still here too, lurking... but I didn't want to honor that reality today in anyway, shape or form


  1. I went through something very similar a year ago, I just decided that I was going to leave it up to God and the Universe to give me what we needed and not to try and fight it,

    I too dreamed of having more then one child, but DH and I started talking about all the things we can do with only have one child, this gave me comfort, and new dreams, dreams of taking our child on vacations we may not be able to afford if we have two, neighborhoods we can live in.


  2. Thanks so much for the post and for all of the information on fertility drugs. We have also tentatively decided if we are blessed with one child through IVF that we will stop there. It is hard to come to that decision but it is just so much to go through physically, emotionally, and financially!
    If you don't mind me asking how many of the vials of Gonal F did you have to take per cycle?
    Thanks again!

  3. Kat - I completely agree with you. I actually asked my Sweet Guy the other day if he'd be happy with one child as clearly, I don't think I could do this again. He said.. no... great! Then he can take the hormones and try for a baby!
    Two things, I owe you a call and you need to update my blog URL on your blogroll - it's changed and if you click it now it says it's no longer avail. You can update it by copy/pasting new URL. If you want of course. I will call you this week, email me good times. I can't wait to chat about all of our findings!! xoxoJes