"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

14 September 2010

The Crash after the Party


I just watched the episode of Glee where the blond chick, Quinn, gives birth while the rival school is performing a version of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

I thought I could do it, but it made me cry, like I haven't cried in a while.

And I didn't turn it off. I watched it like a train wreck. 

Maybe I'm crying because of the anticipation of a potential upcoming IVF cycle that I've been pushing out of my view. Maybe I'm crying because I don't want to walk that emotional road, the road of what if's, potential due dates, of how am I going to deal with this if it doesn't work... the road of feeling guilty for what I've put into my body these last few days... the road of questioning if I've done enough to help my chances, of pulling the wool over my eyes in thinking that maybe I have some amount of control in this process.

I think I've been pulling away from the intensity of this journey lately, and its felt good. Its been freeing and I've been happy. But now all of the things that have been distracting me, like waiting for another cycle to come and go, and anticipating my sister's wedding and vacation planning and work.... all of those things are slowing fading from view and a looming cycle is staring me in the face. Even with it being a free cycle, its still intense. Regardless of the money, we still have a chance to create some embryos and be so close to being pregnant, finally, and its scary, especially after being here 3 times before.... 3 times!!!

What makes me think that this time will be any different? What makes me think that I can handle a 4th failure?

Or maybe I'm crying because my sister's wedding this past weekend was absolutely amazing and we had 3 full days of wonderful family fun, celebration, togetherness and I've been anticipating it for a while... And weddings make me cry, especially when I see all the hope and love and excitement about L & B's upcoming live together as Mr. & Mrs. And I think of the hope and excitement and future dreams and plans that B and I had 6 years ago. I feel the depression and anxiety of infertility setting back in as mourn the passage of time and the loss of something we've never had.

And maybe that's why I'm crying... I'm coming down from a high and I'm scared of the potential low ahead.


  1. Thinking of you. Hoping you can ride the wave, whichever way it takes you. xoxo

  2. There is so much feeling an emotion going on inside you right now. You're up and down at the same time and spinning circles inside that in the meantime. Its no wonder you feel like you're going crazy and want to cry. It is hard to feel so many things all at once and not get burned out or feel out of control.

    You just need to find a way to center yourself, pull your feelings and emotions back to as "in check" as you can. That's what I do when I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I was there just last week even.

    Hang in there baby! *imagine a picture of a kitten hanging on a branch*

  3. Ugh, so many mixed, powerful emotions. I know I cry for unknoen reasons, especially when the catalyst is a song or a tv show. I think we are just going through so much that it becomes a ball of undirected emotion. I hate that you need to do yet another ivf cycle. I know that fear all too well. I am starting a cycle as well in about 4-5 wks so perhaps we can go through some of this together. Thinking of you....

  4. Although we can temporarily cover up the ugly hole that is IF and walk in the light that is life, I think when we're vulnerable to have it ripped open again with any kind of let down. Even if it's from something wonderful that's happened to us. Just like any mourning situation other emotions can set it off. You have every right to have those fears and worries. BUT, you know that if you didn't try this you might wonder. You've got a plan laid out and think how wonderful it would be if you could just stop here. There's ALWAYS that possibility....love you K... :)