Me-7; B-3

Sorry! I feel like I've been away from my blog for way too long! I'm so sorry! I've missed you guys. I'll never be away that long again...

Today we had a woman come to our home to draw our blood at our kitchen table. It was really strange! I felt like I was in a movie. She seemed a bit disorganized, and it took her some time to read the instructions from the lab in Texas that was ordering the bloodwork. Then she says in a shocked voice, "You'd better have a good vein! They want 7 vials! 7!"

And I start to freak out in my head, forgetting all of the other blood draws I've had throughout these past few years of IVF stuff, thinking, " Oh my god, I'm going to pass out". Of course I didn't, but she could really use some better bedside manners, ya know?

So they took 7 vials of my blood and 3 vials of B's blood and sent them off via fedex to 2 different labs. The test they are going to run are twofold: 1) To test my potential for autoimmune issues and 2) to test B and my gene combination for alloimmune issues.

Both of these tests are meant to give some guidance into implantation failure. If they find issues with either of the blood panels in each of these categories, they could be a clue that my body is fighting off the little embryos before then can nuzzle into my uterus and stick tight.  I'm kind of anxious to see the results (and find out how friggin much this is going to cost us). In fact, I'm tempted to make a prediction on what they find...

...here goes: I think they find that I have high levels of Natural Killer cells (an autoimmune condition) and no alloimmune issues. I'll let you know when I find out if I'm right or not. Until then, we march on, in a direction unknown, trying to enjoy the summer and not freak out too much at how fast time is moving.

facebook...GRRR!

I don't know why I torture myself. Its like a trainwreck really, I can't look away, but I really really want to.

Facebook is like this for the "sub-fertiles" of the world. Even after you've hidden all of your mommy friends because seeing cute pictures of their adorable children and learning all about the time of day they are awake breast feeding their adorable infants makes you feel sad, jealous and left out of a world you may never be a part of...you still aren't safe. The lucky fertiles out there still find their way to sneak into your newsfeed. And when they do, that sting returns.

Yesterday I found out a member of B's extended family is pregnant via facebook. She got married just 6 months ago and yesterday announced, "... we've got ao bun in the oven. We're SUPER DUPER excited."

And I'm "SUPER DUPER" jealous....  I'll never be that person who gets to have that joy and blissfully ignorant view of pregnancy and the ease at wich it happens. I'll never be that person who doesn't carry around the emotional and physical battle scars of years of trying to get pregnant that wound parts of your soul you never knew were there. I'll never be that person who can actually plan when they want to have their childern.

I'm jealous, and it makes me mad at myself! Which is the last thing I need right now, self-deprevation. I don't want to be jealous anyomre. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I don't know how not be. I guess maybe I just need to acknowledge those feelings, let myself feel them, and then try to let them pass and not hold onto the sadness and jealousy.

But facebook sure doesn't make that easy.

At least it feels good to place blame somewhere... Stupid facebook.

Soul Soothing

This weekend, we spent some time with good friends. We hiked, cooked, listened to great music, played chess (well, I watched.. cuz I have NO patience for that game) and caught up. 

 

I realized this weekend that I've known these people for 10 years. It really hit me how much I cherish their friendships.

I feel like lately I have not been very present in my life because I am so focused on either 1) sadness and crawling into a hole or 2) next steps on how to achieve a pregnancy.

I realized that I haven't really spent comforting time with people that know me well, that I have a history with of 10 years, that like me for me and don't judge that we don't have kids yet. 

I didn't feel that pressure I put on myself to live up to some sort of ideal of where I should be at what time in my life.

I just felt like me. 

And it felt good. 

And I thank them all for being my friends. 

And I hope they all know what they mean to me.

P.S. - Katie, thanks for the great pic! I'll send it your way.

Cover Me... I'm Going In!

As I alluded to in my previous post, I'm considering doing another IVF cycle. I had a free phone consult with a doctor about 3.5 hours south who specializes in working with women like me... women without a real explanation of why all of those beautiful blasts never decided to stick around my uterus and hang out for 9 months.

The RE was really nice. We talked for about a half hour about my case. She called it 'compelling'. I think that made me smile, but I'm now not sure why. Regardless, she wants me to do a whole bunch of blood-work to test for possible signs that my immune system is attacking the little embryos when they try to stick and/or to test to see if B's genes are too similar to mine and as a result our embryos aren't recognized properly by my body. Neither of these are widely accepted methods of treatment yet in the US because there has not been a lot of randomized clinical trials, but it works for some women. And I think I'm in a place where I need to see this through. As scary as jumping back into the IVF game sounds to me, adoption right now is even scarier. AND, I'm not doing so well at not having a plan.

So, here I stand, potentially creating another wall to hide the view of my future.

A wise woman in my support group once told me, "No decision you make is permanent. If you are too scared to make a decision, try it on for a while. Live with it and feel what life is like with that decision. Understand what it means. But know that you can always take it back if you don't like it."

I feel like I'm at the return counter as we speak, "Can I exchange my 'No more ART decision' for that lovely '$14K IVF' model over there? Thanks."

But really, I'm heading back to war. Back to a battle with timing, appointments, shots, highs, hope, lows, debt...  diving back into the IVF trenches, ready to fight again, unsure of the outcome, fearful of the defeat, but optimistic enough to try once again. Because as I currently sit here on the sidelines, I feel helpless and edgy. I feel like my hands are tied and I want nothing more than to win the war and bring my baby home. So like the title says... Cover me, I'm going in!

P.S. - do you like the new look of the blog?

Letting Go Is Confusing

We're at another juncture here in this baby journey of ours. The first juncture was to make the decision to try to get pregnant. The second was to try IVF. The third was to agree to be done with ART after 5 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVF and 1 failed FET...

And then I decided to take a free consult w/ an new RE....

And now we're at the fourth juncture, to try one more IVF...

I keep reading about and hearing about letting go and just being at peace with what is happening today. Not giving up the dream of being a parent, but letting go of the decisions, the process, the next steps, the research...

But I'm not really sure how to do that, or exactly what that means. Does it mean that I'm not supposed to try to find a reason why our cycles have failed when we really don't have one? Does that mean I'm supposed to stick with our plan a of a few months ago to not go back to an RE and pursue adoption? Does that mean that I'm supposed to just live my every day life and trust that a baby will just simply drop into my lap somehow?

UGH! I don't understand what it means to let go. I don't know how to find that happy middle ground of living in the present yet still trying to become parents. Does anyone have any advice?

(I still plan on sharing info on my consult w/ the new RE... but I'll keep that as a teaser for my next post)