B and I had our 6 year wedding anniversary yesterday. We are lucky enough to spend it up at my parent's cabin in Door County, WI where we got married. We have done this pretty much every Memorial Day since 2004. While being here and remembering the best day of my life so far is a treasure, I can't help but feel sad too. It is another marker of time passing without the growth of our family. And these reminders are sometimes very hard to take. I am however thankful and greatful for B in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The fact that he has helped me stay sane and comforted me during the hardest challenge we have encountered as a couple is a simple reminder of why I married him in the first place. He is my strength, my rock, my friend, my encourager and most importantly my home.
I love you B with more love than I could ever imagined possible and I can't wait until we can share this love with our children.
On another note, I had a phone consult with a new RE this past Friday. I'll post soon on that once I've sorted out my thoughts. Needless to say my head is spinning.
30 May 2010
20 May 2010
Stuck
I'm stuck... I feel like I'm not even spinning my wheels anymore. I've done that for a while and now I'm just stuck.. maybe even sinking.
I spent last weekend in Puerto Rico with my sisters and my mom. It was fantastic! I sat on the beach all day long relaxing and enjoying the sun. I haven't done that in a long while. I think I even laughed out loud, a full belly laugh, at my sister's sunburn's expense mind you, but it was a real laugh. I felt like I had broken from reality for those few days and forgotten the heaviness that is setting in deeper as time keeps passing.
While we did mostly just eat, drink, sun and keep the conversation light, there was one night where I cried to them about the fear of never being able to have my own kids, of having to watch as each of them (all younger sisters..) got married and got pregnant easliy, of worrying that if we adopted, my kids would feel out of place in our family, of never being able to let go of this sadness. And while it felt good to get it off my chest and have them all be there together, I still don't feel like they really get it...
And I guess I can't expect them to get it, but somehow I was hoping that after letting go of a lot of that emotion in front of them that I would feel lighter and more hopeful when I came back and I would feel some sort of deeper bond.
But I don't. I feel stuck. I wonder if I'm depressed. I keep making these daily plans to call adoption agenceies and start the process going knowing full well it could be years... YEARS ... before we can hold a child (that we had to PAY for) in our arms... (I'm still feeling bitter, can you tell?) And I'm not sure I want it...
But I want to want it....
But right now I'm just stuck... and the mud is really really thick.
I spent last weekend in Puerto Rico with my sisters and my mom. It was fantastic! I sat on the beach all day long relaxing and enjoying the sun. I haven't done that in a long while. I think I even laughed out loud, a full belly laugh, at my sister's sunburn's expense mind you, but it was a real laugh. I felt like I had broken from reality for those few days and forgotten the heaviness that is setting in deeper as time keeps passing.
While we did mostly just eat, drink, sun and keep the conversation light, there was one night where I cried to them about the fear of never being able to have my own kids, of having to watch as each of them (all younger sisters..) got married and got pregnant easliy, of worrying that if we adopted, my kids would feel out of place in our family, of never being able to let go of this sadness. And while it felt good to get it off my chest and have them all be there together, I still don't feel like they really get it...
And I guess I can't expect them to get it, but somehow I was hoping that after letting go of a lot of that emotion in front of them that I would feel lighter and more hopeful when I came back and I would feel some sort of deeper bond.
But I don't. I feel stuck. I wonder if I'm depressed. I keep making these daily plans to call adoption agenceies and start the process going knowing full well it could be years... YEARS ... before we can hold a child (that we had to PAY for) in our arms... (I'm still feeling bitter, can you tell?) And I'm not sure I want it...
But I want to want it....
But right now I'm just stuck... and the mud is really really thick.
08 May 2010
Paranoia
I took myself shopping today (and yesterday) because I needed some retail therapy. Its been a long few months studying for my last actuarial exam, which I took this past Wednesday. It was F-ing HARD!!!! But that's not the point...
I was checking out when the woman who was doing the checking out looked at me and said, "We're open until 11 tonight! Don't forget. It's a special day for you!"
And I quickly spit out of my mouth as fast as I could almost stumbling on the words, "I'm NOT a mom," worrying that she was going to ask me about my kids. Paranoid that I would for some reason have to explain the last 3 years of IUIs, IVF's, herbs, acupuncture....
She was in her mid 50s - 60s, had a beautiful Russian accent and a great sense of quirky style. She stared at me for a minute and happily told me that she was not talking about Mother's day. She was instead saying it was a special day because I was out shopping, spending money, enjoying the moment and being good to myself.
And I believed her. I truly did. And I wanted to hug her (I didn't.. but I really did want to) and tell her that in a world of mom's on a mother's day weekend, her thoughts were a breath of fresh air and I needed to hear that I don't have to run and hide just because the rest of the world is celebrating something that makes me so sad because I'm not part of it. So thank you check out woman at the departmant store! Your words touched me more than you know... I walked out of the store feeling strong in my self-splurging.
I then proceeded into the grocery store where not 2 minutes in, someone came over the loud speaker and announced that there were free hand massages and aroma therapy samples in the bath isle for all the MOM's in the store!!!! And my moment of confidence was immediately shot and I wanted to crawl back into a hole.
I should have gotten the damn hand massage anyways.
I was checking out when the woman who was doing the checking out looked at me and said, "We're open until 11 tonight! Don't forget. It's a special day for you!"
And I quickly spit out of my mouth as fast as I could almost stumbling on the words, "I'm NOT a mom," worrying that she was going to ask me about my kids. Paranoid that I would for some reason have to explain the last 3 years of IUIs, IVF's, herbs, acupuncture....
She was in her mid 50s - 60s, had a beautiful Russian accent and a great sense of quirky style. She stared at me for a minute and happily told me that she was not talking about Mother's day. She was instead saying it was a special day because I was out shopping, spending money, enjoying the moment and being good to myself.
And I believed her. I truly did. And I wanted to hug her (I didn't.. but I really did want to) and tell her that in a world of mom's on a mother's day weekend, her thoughts were a breath of fresh air and I needed to hear that I don't have to run and hide just because the rest of the world is celebrating something that makes me so sad because I'm not part of it. So thank you check out woman at the departmant store! Your words touched me more than you know... I walked out of the store feeling strong in my self-splurging.
I then proceeded into the grocery store where not 2 minutes in, someone came over the loud speaker and announced that there were free hand massages and aroma therapy samples in the bath isle for all the MOM's in the store!!!! And my moment of confidence was immediately shot and I wanted to crawl back into a hole.
I should have gotten the damn hand massage anyways.
06 May 2010
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is fast approaching and I want to hide. Actually I wanted to hide at least a month ago when Target and Walmart started their Mothers Day commercials. I feel bombarded with reminders every day that I'm not a mother.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
26 April 2010
What IF...
There's this great project underway to unite many of the infertility bloggers out there and give more awareness to this cause. Here's a link talking about the project: Bloggers Unite! What IF...
Basically I have to ponder and write about one of the common "What IF's" that women & partners think about when going through this journey and then post this blog back to the Bloggers Unite blog (that's a lot of blogs in one sentence..)
So here's the "what IF" that I chose: What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life? What if I'm never ready to adopt?...
...
I worry about this a lot. In fact, other than work and paying bills and house projects, this is mostly what I think about. I worry about getting older and older and never having a child. I worry that I will never be able to give up the desire to have B and my own genetic baby. Why does that mean so much to me?
Some people might say, "Just adopt!" But today, I don't feel ready, or that it is easy. For me, pursuing adoption feels like I'm giving up on a dream of being pregnant, on giving up at having a child that I can see B's face in. For me, it feels like a whole new mountain that I have to scale and I just don't have the strength yet. Its there in front of me, but I just keep turning my back to it.
So what if we don't adopt? Do I continue on like this, month after month, taking my temperature, timing sex, drinking stinky herbs, going to acupuncture appointments, giving up certain foods/drinks because I think for some reason that gives me a small small bit of control over this process of which I really have none?
What if I am never friends again with some of my friends who do have kids? I've have lost touch with some because I simply don't feel like I have anything in common. I miss them dearly, but the thought of spending time with them makes me cringe. I fear that all they will want to talk about are their kids and that I will feel inadequate, that I will feel out of place in a world of moms. And I fear that if I do talk about this journey, that I will just sound like a stuck, broken record. And I willl have to keep up a face of hope, even when I don't feel it because I can't show my true fear and sadness in front of them. I hate feelling like I have made someone uncomfortable.
So what IF we don't adpot? I suppose eventually life would flow back into some kind of balance where I do figure out how not to focus on having sex at the right time every month and where I do drink coffee and alcohol when I want to instead of when I feel like I have gone without long enough. Maybe I'd get back into doing triathlons and runs. I miss those dearly. And maybe we'd become more career focused and move out of our house into a sweet condo in a bigger city and we'd travel a lot.
I see that future and I think I could be ok, but it seems so empty to me right now.
So I choose not to make any decisions. I choose to simply ponder the what IF but not let the fear of a childless future make me crazy and desperate. I choose to live in my daily life because when I focus on the present, I am happy and I do feel some hope that I won't need to worry about those what IFs, because a day will come when I will feel content, whatever it that looks like.
......
Here are a few links about NIAW and Infertility if you are new to this blog, this journey I am on, or are just simply interested in reading more.
Infertility 101
NIAW
Basically I have to ponder and write about one of the common "What IF's" that women & partners think about when going through this journey and then post this blog back to the Bloggers Unite blog (that's a lot of blogs in one sentence..)
So here's the "what IF" that I chose: What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life? What if I'm never ready to adopt?...
...
I worry about this a lot. In fact, other than work and paying bills and house projects, this is mostly what I think about. I worry about getting older and older and never having a child. I worry that I will never be able to give up the desire to have B and my own genetic baby. Why does that mean so much to me?
Some people might say, "Just adopt!" But today, I don't feel ready, or that it is easy. For me, pursuing adoption feels like I'm giving up on a dream of being pregnant, on giving up at having a child that I can see B's face in. For me, it feels like a whole new mountain that I have to scale and I just don't have the strength yet. Its there in front of me, but I just keep turning my back to it.
So what if we don't adopt? Do I continue on like this, month after month, taking my temperature, timing sex, drinking stinky herbs, going to acupuncture appointments, giving up certain foods/drinks because I think for some reason that gives me a small small bit of control over this process of which I really have none?
What if I am never friends again with some of my friends who do have kids? I've have lost touch with some because I simply don't feel like I have anything in common. I miss them dearly, but the thought of spending time with them makes me cringe. I fear that all they will want to talk about are their kids and that I will feel inadequate, that I will feel out of place in a world of moms. And I fear that if I do talk about this journey, that I will just sound like a stuck, broken record. And I willl have to keep up a face of hope, even when I don't feel it because I can't show my true fear and sadness in front of them. I hate feelling like I have made someone uncomfortable.
So what IF we don't adpot? I suppose eventually life would flow back into some kind of balance where I do figure out how not to focus on having sex at the right time every month and where I do drink coffee and alcohol when I want to instead of when I feel like I have gone without long enough. Maybe I'd get back into doing triathlons and runs. I miss those dearly. And maybe we'd become more career focused and move out of our house into a sweet condo in a bigger city and we'd travel a lot.
I see that future and I think I could be ok, but it seems so empty to me right now.
So I choose not to make any decisions. I choose to simply ponder the what IF but not let the fear of a childless future make me crazy and desperate. I choose to live in my daily life because when I focus on the present, I am happy and I do feel some hope that I won't need to worry about those what IFs, because a day will come when I will feel content, whatever it that looks like.
......
Here are a few links about NIAW and Infertility if you are new to this blog, this journey I am on, or are just simply interested in reading more.
Infertility 101
NIAW
25 April 2010
NIAW
Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. It is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects over 7.3 million Americans. Do you know someone struggling with infertility (hmmm... me???). Do you want to be more supportive and compassionate? Go to Resolve.org to learn more.
I also really like this link: Infertility Etiquette.
To all of my friends who have struggled and are struggling with this life-changing event, I send you strength and hope.
To all of my family and friends who are supporting me through this journey, I send you thanks for helping me and B walk through this the best we can.
I also really like this link: Infertility Etiquette.
To all of my friends who have struggled and are struggling with this life-changing event, I send you strength and hope.
To all of my family and friends who are supporting me through this journey, I send you thanks for helping me and B walk through this the best we can.
12 April 2010
A hot pink paperweight
In college, I worked in a pub. It was a small little pub with yummy food and great beer. It had a decent lunch crowd from the local businesses and was usually busy for dinner with live music at night. I really enjoyed working there and quickly became friends with some of the regulars. One such regular, I think his name was Pete, was a writer. He would come in a few afternoons a week and sit at the tall round table in the back and write and sip on a beer. We'd chat for a few but usually I just let him write. After a year or so we got to know each other pretty well.
One day after saying our usual hellos and bringing Pete a beer, he handed me a hot pink painted stone with the words "You are the strongest woman I know" on it. He said he got it at an art fair with some friends and just felt that I needed to have it. He wasn't quite sure why, so he held onto it until he had a good enough explanation. He said he was inspired once by me to write a poem about a woman struggling to keep her farm. He had a vision of me with an infant in my arms and a toddler at my side, standing on top of the hill of my farm, overlooking the land and knowing that I could weather the storm ahead. A vision of a strong woman, a vision of a nurturer, and a vision of me.
Throughout a lot of my life, I didn't associate strength and motherhood. I pushed away a lot of the 'softer side' of me and embraced the more independent side which for some reason didn't mean 'motherhood' to me. I think only now do I recognize that I can be both strong and soft at the same time.
One of the ways I feel this softness, comfort and care is through organizing a support group for women and their partners experiencing trouble building their family. I've met some amazing women going through the same thing and not only feel strength from them, but also the confidence to nurture. Nurturing is not a word I had associated with myself, but I'm slowly feeling more comfortable in that role.
So, last week, I asked B to come to group w/ me. Partners come once in a while, but I don't ask B a lot because he's just not that much of a talker. He was a trooper last week as the group. He sat there for the whole 2 hours, and said maybe 2 words. He absorbed and listened and just was there because I wanted him to be. Sometimes ya take one for the team, huh? So I was surprised the next day when I got an email from B. (see below).
In these simple moments I know 2 things:
1) I am the strongest woman I know who is living my life.
2) I could never go through this journey without B. He's my strength.
email from B:
I wanted to send this so that it wasn't just something that I though about but never said. I only wish that someone else hadn't given you the little pink rock with the same sentiment already, but you are the strongest woman I know. Watching you lead the group last night reminded me of what I may have taken for granted lately. You carry an extremely heavy burden, but do so with such dignity and grace that you deserve to be, albeit maybe quietly, recognized for all that you do in this journey. Not matter what happens in our baby quest, I will always respect and admire the path and stance you have chosen. I am fortunate to have you by my side.
I love you wife.
One day after saying our usual hellos and bringing Pete a beer, he handed me a hot pink painted stone with the words "You are the strongest woman I know" on it. He said he got it at an art fair with some friends and just felt that I needed to have it. He wasn't quite sure why, so he held onto it until he had a good enough explanation. He said he was inspired once by me to write a poem about a woman struggling to keep her farm. He had a vision of me with an infant in my arms and a toddler at my side, standing on top of the hill of my farm, overlooking the land and knowing that I could weather the storm ahead. A vision of a strong woman, a vision of a nurturer, and a vision of me.
Throughout a lot of my life, I didn't associate strength and motherhood. I pushed away a lot of the 'softer side' of me and embraced the more independent side which for some reason didn't mean 'motherhood' to me. I think only now do I recognize that I can be both strong and soft at the same time.
One of the ways I feel this softness, comfort and care is through organizing a support group for women and their partners experiencing trouble building their family. I've met some amazing women going through the same thing and not only feel strength from them, but also the confidence to nurture. Nurturing is not a word I had associated with myself, but I'm slowly feeling more comfortable in that role.
So, last week, I asked B to come to group w/ me. Partners come once in a while, but I don't ask B a lot because he's just not that much of a talker. He was a trooper last week as the group. He sat there for the whole 2 hours, and said maybe 2 words. He absorbed and listened and just was there because I wanted him to be. Sometimes ya take one for the team, huh? So I was surprised the next day when I got an email from B. (see below).
In these simple moments I know 2 things:
1) I am the strongest woman I know who is living my life.
2) I could never go through this journey without B. He's my strength.
email from B:
I wanted to send this so that it wasn't just something that I though about but never said. I only wish that someone else hadn't given you the little pink rock with the same sentiment already, but you are the strongest woman I know. Watching you lead the group last night reminded me of what I may have taken for granted lately. You carry an extremely heavy burden, but do so with such dignity and grace that you deserve to be, albeit maybe quietly, recognized for all that you do in this journey. Not matter what happens in our baby quest, I will always respect and admire the path and stance you have chosen. I am fortunate to have you by my side.
I love you wife.
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