"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

20 May 2010


I'm stuck... I feel like I'm not even spinning my wheels anymore. I've done that for a while and now I'm just stuck.. maybe even sinking.

I spent last weekend in Puerto Rico with my sisters and my mom. It was fantastic! I sat on the beach all day long relaxing and enjoying the sun. I haven't done that in a long while. I think I even laughed out loud, a full belly laugh, at my sister's sunburn's expense mind you, but it was a real laugh. I felt like I had broken from reality for those few days and forgotten the heaviness that is setting in deeper as time keeps passing.

While we did mostly just eat, drink, sun and keep the conversation light, there was one night where I cried to them about the fear of never being able to have my own kids, of having to watch as each of them (all younger sisters..) got married and got pregnant easliy, of worrying that if we adopted, my kids would feel out of place in our family, of never being able to let go of this sadness. And while it felt good to get it off my chest and have them all be there together, I still don't feel like they really get it...

And I guess I can't expect them to get it, but somehow I was hoping that after letting go of a lot of that emotion in front of them that I would feel lighter and more hopeful when I came back and I would feel some sort of deeper bond.

But I don't. I feel stuck. I wonder if I'm depressed. I keep making these daily plans to call adoption agenceies and start the process going knowing full well it could be years... YEARS ... before we can hold a child (that we had to PAY for) in our arms... (I'm still feeling bitter, can you tell?) And I'm not sure I want it...

But I want to want it....

But right now I'm just stuck... and the mud is really really thick.


  1. You took the words right out of my mouth. I am bitter in all sense of the word. I resent others and I feel sorry for myself. I hate that It's not that I don't like the adoption idea it is just that it seems so distant and unreachable.
    I guess I am not much for cheering you up!

  2. it's possible that it won't take years. (and it's very possible that adoption would be a faster road than TTC. it was for us.)

    and you've already been paying (in so many, MANY ways) for the child you will hold in your arms one day. for us, no matter what, parenthood doesn't come cheaply--either monetarily or emotionally.

    mud can be healing, but don't let it suffocate you. come visit us sometime. :)

  3. From everything you've ever shared with me about your family, I know your child would feel loved and cherished. You have so much to offer as a parent and I know that whether pregnancy finally happens or you decide to adopt, the baby who finds his or her way to you will be so, so, so lucky. (As an aside, but not as a push, if you need hand holding or cheerleading in starting the adoption process, let me know. I can also put you in contact with my friend who is adopted herself and now a social worker in adoption.)

  4. I know that stuck feeling. I found that every once and awhile I'd have moments when I'd feel stronger...or at least strong enough to contemplate a new direction. Or maybe it was just detached enough to explore it. It was in those moments that I'd take a step forward. Not committing to anything, but exploring. Then I'd go back to wallowing for awhile more. But eventually my desire to be a mom and not be stuck anymore outweighed my depression and then I moved forward. I still have moments when the feelings crash back in again, so the corner hasn't been completely turned, but I'm getting there and I want to support you in moving forward as well.

  5. Hey...I found your blog from the FT site...bbchi here.
    Sorry you're feeling so down.
    I wish there was something I could say to make it better.
    None of us are in this trying to have a baby thing the way we want to be. And many of us don't even get the baby we expect to from IVF and all these fancy medical technologies. But that doesn't mean there's no hope. I sound very unicorny and rainbow farty right now, but there's always a different way. You just need to find what way's going to work for you. Easier said than done, I know.

    Find us: http://ivfconfessions.blogspot.com/

    And Google groups: who shot my stork
    I think you need to request permission for that one, not sure how that works. Let me know if you have trouble.

    We're still out there to support you, even if not on FT.

  6. I also came here after reading your supportive and appreciated post on Fertile Thoughts.

    I'm glad to see bbchi has already invited you to the blog. Come on over and join us! Many/most of the FT Confessions girls are there and they will support you wholeheartedly...even when you're angry, desperate, and disillusioned. Everyone there has a unique story...but they all *get it*.

    If you'd like to be an author on the Confessions blog, just send me your email and I'll send you an author invitation.