Mother's Day is fast approaching and I want to hide. Actually I wanted to hide at least a month ago when Target and Walmart started their Mothers Day commercials. I feel bombarded with reminders every day that I'm not a mother.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
K, I'm so sorry that the reminders are everywhere. I wish the world could be filtered so your experience wouldn't have to feel harsh and immediate and unchanging. You will be a mama someday... though I know it is incredibly frustrating to not know when or how. Be good to yourself. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Kathleen, and hoping things start to look up.
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