"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

26 April 2010

What IF...

There's this great project underway to unite many of the infertility bloggers out there and give more awareness to this cause. Here's a link talking about the project: Bloggers Unite! What IF...

Basically I have to ponder and write about one of the common "What IF's" that women & partners think about when going through this journey and then post this blog back to the Bloggers Unite blog (that's a lot of blogs in one sentence..)

So here's the "what IF" that I chose:  What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life? What if I'm never ready to adopt?...

I worry about this a lot. In fact, other than work and paying bills and house projects, this is mostly what I think about. I worry about getting older and older and never having a child. I worry that I will never be able to give up the desire to have B and my own genetic baby. Why does that  mean so much to me?

Some people might say, "Just adopt!" But today, I don't feel ready, or that it is easy. For me, pursuing adoption feels like I'm giving up on a dream of being pregnant, on giving up at having a child that I can see B's face in. For me, it feels like a whole new mountain that I have to scale and I just don't have the strength yet. Its there in front of me, but I just keep turning my back to it.

So what if we don't adopt? Do I continue on like this, month after month, taking my temperature, timing sex, drinking stinky herbs, going to acupuncture appointments, giving up certain foods/drinks because I think for some reason that gives me a small small bit of control over this process of which I really have none?

What if I am never friends again with some of my friends who do have kids? I've have lost touch with some because I simply don't feel like I have anything in common. I miss them dearly, but the thought of spending time with them makes me cringe. I fear that all they will want to talk about are their kids and that I will feel inadequate, that  I will feel out of place in a world of moms.  And I fear that if I do talk about this journey, that I will just sound like a stuck, broken record. And I willl have to keep up a face of hope, even when I don't feel it because I can't show my true fear and sadness in front of them. I hate feelling like I have made someone uncomfortable.

So what IF we don't adpot? I suppose eventually life would flow back into some kind of balance where I do figure out how not to focus on having sex at the right time every month  and where I do drink coffee and alcohol when I want to instead of when I feel like I have gone without long enough. Maybe I'd get back into doing triathlons and runs. I miss those dearly. And maybe we'd become more career focused and move out of our house into a sweet condo in a bigger city and we'd travel a lot.

I see that future and I think I could be ok, but it seems so empty to me right now.

So I choose not to make any decisions. I choose to simply ponder the what IF but not let the fear of a childless future make me crazy and desperate. I choose to live in my daily life because when I focus on the present, I am happy and I do feel some hope that I won't need to worry about those what IFs, because a day will come when I will feel content, whatever it that looks like.


Here are a few links about NIAW and Infertility if you are new to this blog, this journey I am on, or are just simply interested in reading more.
Infertility 101


  1. here through the What If project...

    I have to tell you that it's hard for me to comment on the blogs where women are still TTC, because I became a mom after 4 yrs , 6 IUIs and one very successful IVF. So I am trying very hard to say the right thing, the hopeful thing, the one thing that makes you keep trying, no matter what.

    I've seen the other side, and it was worth the trip. I swear.

    I am holding hope for you, that the what if about never having your own child never come true...that instead you get to tell a different story with a child in your arms.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. There are so many hard decisions when it comes to ttc. My husband G and I aren't at the adoption stage yet either but I worry sometimes that we are going to wait too long. I also worry about the cost of a possible IVF. We have some money saved but we can't figure out what route to go and when to pursue what?
    Best wishes to you and your hubby!