"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

03 March 2011

Wasted

We decided to take a month off before we start BCPs for our FET (Assuming we do an FET... more to come on that...). I thought this month off would be good to emotionally heal and map out our path (still haven't done that... a few weeks to go I guess).  I also thought I was being a good sister. My brother is getting married in December, out of town, and if we did the FET right away and not taken this month off, AND for some miracle it worked, we would have been due right around the time of his wedding.... Even thought there's a part of me that doesn't want to worry about anyone ELSE's time frame regarding our potential baby, I would have never forgiven myself if it worked and I would have missed his wedding... So mostly the month off is for timing.

Of course, with a month off infertility treatments, and the knowledge that all of our parts technically work, when one is hoping for a baby, and has been trying for 4 years, one expects to try naturally in these times, no? And that's what I expected. I made sure I knew the optimal time as determined by temperature charting and body 'clues' and proceeded to inform B of our 'date nights'.

The first, second and third optimal days came and went... no lovin' ensued... I just couldn't get there.. and now I'm simply angry.

I'm so angry at this crap. I'm so angry at how it invades my every thought and my emotion. And I'm pissed at how it's affected my sex life with B.  I feel sad, I feel like a failure to him, but this month, I just couldn't do it... I feel robbed of a sense of wonder, intimacy and naivete that so many couples have when trying to have a baby and I feel robbed of the spontaneity of having sex with your partner when you WANT to and not when you HAVE to. I know that many people experience this on their infertility journeys. But I want to express here to those who don't have to go through this how much it affects so many different aspects of your life. And you simply feel broken.... in so many ways.

So screw you infertility! Screw you for invading the intimacy with B. Screw you for making me feel guilty and like a failure in more than one way. And SCREW you for making me waste a egg.

14 comments:

  1. So sorry you are feeling so low. :-( Thinking of you.

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  2. But make sure you screw IF in the ass, just because you want it to be as fruitless as possible!

    *hugs*

    I'm so sorry. Non-sexy non-sex sucks big time. :(

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  3. If this makes you feel better...in Dec before our last IVF cycle...we were desperately doing a "natural" cycle. Had x for 7 days in a row. I kept thinking I was going to ovulate. Finally, on the 8th day, I got a REALLY clear ovulation predictor kit + and when we went to have x that night...hubby couldn't. We spent two hours trying...EVERYTHING. It never worked. We figured we would try the next morning. Failure again. And the next night. Failure. It was awful. I was so angry to feel like sex was a chore and I hated it. This month we decided that we would just do the natural IUI so that we wouldn't have to deal with the sex fights again. I'm sorry. You are not alone though, you are not alone.

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  4. UGH! So sorry hun. Eff infertility!!!!! Hugs.

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  5. So sorry...It is amazing how timed intercourse robs sex of all its fun and all its freaking sexiness. We've tried the candles, massage, porn, everything, but sometimes you just don't want it and HAVING to do it makes you feel angry, annoyed and even more unsexy.

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  6. Gosh, I could have written this post... come to think of it, I probably did!

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  7. You are not alone. Lately I have associated sex with failure. It is hard not to feel those emotions even when you simply want to enjoy sex as sex. Maybe you really needed this month off. It is confusing to think that at certain times we are not ready for sex, but maybe after a really stressful and disappointing cycle we really aren't ready yet.

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  8. I am totally right there with you about the anger of having to schedule your life around your fertility. I can't plan business trips or even vacations where my husband doesn't go without first consulting my fertility tracker. It pisses me right off. And try explaining to your boss you can't go on a business trip when he wants you to because that is your fertile window!

    I hate that it takes out the spontenaiety too. I try so hard to not make it feel like a chore to my husband, but he can be so stubborn. Today I told him, "Guess what babe? My fertility monitor says we get to be frisky this weekend!" I'm trying to put the fun back in it. God knows I'm trying. He also knows we have had months in the past where we do our think and I cry afterward because there was no passion. It was a chore. That's the worst.

    It all just freaking sucks big ass donkey balls.

    Go punch a fertile. Maybe it will help you feel better. At the very least, I hope the mental image gives you a giggle.

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  9. I'm so sorry...and I hear ya. My hubby reminded me the other day of some random place we did the deed because it was "that time" and he was insinuating maybe we should try that again. I was like, "Ha! What a waste that was!" because as usual, it didn't work. Of course he didn't appreciate my comment either. It's so hard when sex feels like your job and you either can't stand it at that time or you muddle through and then it ruins the good times. ugh...so sorry hon.

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  10. You are definitely not alone in that department. IF does take over your life in every aspect...even the bedroom. That is supposed to be a 'safe zone' but yet it too gets affected negatively. It becomes a job and one that is associated with failure making you want to engage less and less which SUCKS!!! I am so sorry you are going through that. If it helps, we are being affected by the same thing right now :(

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  11. My brother's wedding is in December too. Blech, and I am too zapped about Lola's absence in it.

    I am glad you are taking the month off. IF treatments drain sanity completely. Time to restore it.

    I say, get drunk and have sex...that's how getting knocked up gets smoothened. The spermies loosen up, the egg slips to the fallopian tube, and the uterus is too sozzled to revolt. Pregnant!

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  12. I am so sorry and right there with you!!! It sucks that sex loses it's luster over the years of TTC. IT becomes a task, no longer a fun-filled activity. I hate it, hate it, hate it, HATE IT!!

    Thinking about you and if Charlie Sheen can father children... so can our men!!! Right??

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  13. I'm with ya lady...you are DEFINITELY NOT alone in this! This IF B.S. sucks the joy out of a lot of things. What's most frustrating is it happens to suck the joy out of the VERY thing that would solve the problem. It's just so fricken twisted!!!

    Have that glass of wine or two or go stay at a fun hotel...maybe down in Mexico...:)

    Chalk this last month up to a time of healing...big hugs to you my friend

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  14. Man oh man you are (obviously) not alone. I'm with Chelle on the sucking-donkey-balls thing and with Cherm on the irony and twisted-ness of it all. It gets even worse with endo ovulation pain...Sooooo the opposite of sexy. :(

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