Spring is just beginning to peak its warming head around the corner. I welcome it, but it also marks the passage of time and yet another season without success. I can almost transport myself back to the fall when I had oodles of hope that our next steps would bring us some happy news this past winter.
I'm struggling to peel away the defeat from this long-time battle and find joy in my current life. I'm struggling to get excited about our final transfer, our final try at our genetics. I feel like I'm just going to go through the motions... BCPs... lupron... estrogen... progesterone, transfer... wait, wait, freak out, wait, false hope... BFN.
And then some hard decisions ensue.
I wish I could be a happier blogger lately, but I only really feel inspired to write when I'm feeling down. I should let you all know however, that since I'm not writing all that often, that I'm really doing ok. In my daily life, moment to moment, I'm ok. Its just that as these emotions well up inside me and they need to come out.
By the way, I took my first BCP last Sunday. Our FET should be sometime at the end of April... here we go again.
I, too, am hating the spring and its reminder of the passage of time. I'm trudging along with you...
ReplyDeleteI totally get what you are saying. I feel like I am going thru the motions with this cycle too. It is too hard to get all worked up for it. I am holding your hope for this FET for you when you cannot get there yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs far as blogging, I think we all realize that this is just a snapshot of our lives. At least I hope so, otherwise you all must think I am an insane woman who is headed for a break down.
I literally ache for you. There are so many things I could say, so many ways I can commiserate, but none of the words do the feelings justice. I know what it is to lose hope. To really, truly lose hope. And then to wonder where your life will go once your hope is gone and your dreams are crushed. How do you pick up the pieces? How do you move on, and to where do you move on?
ReplyDeleteI wish so much that I could give you a hug. Take you to a movie so that for a couple of hours, we could forget the pain that infertility causes.
I think about you often, and I pray, I pray so hard, that this next cycle works for you.
Sending you so much love.
Aw, I've been thinking about you and hoping you're hanging in there. I know what you mean - I don't want to post as much when I'm down. I am keeping you close in my thoughts and hoping for the very best with your FET!!
ReplyDeleteHugs. I am so ready for spring, maybe it is the passage of time, but maybe it's also a fresh new beginning right? Maybe...
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best of luck with your FET! The changing season has been lifting my spirit lately (especially the extra hour of light), and hope it does the same for you!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I find meaning and connect with your posts because of the emotion you share. It is important not only for you to get it out of your mind and write it down, but for people to read it. I admire your strength and persistence and sincerely hope that this FET goes well.
ReplyDeleteIt is ok that you aren't a happy blogger, Im still listening. This shit is hard. I wish we could go for a hike and then drink some beers. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOur blogs are here for the ups and downs and it seems like the down times like to stick around way too long. Here's to a spring with a lot more "ups" and new beginnings!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteMaybe a successful April is on the horizon. That will give you a New Year's bundle of joy. What a way to start 2012!!! Fingers crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you, my friend. I definitely agree with Jill in that people need to hear what you have to say...the raw emotion. Because we all feel it, too. So glad you're able to live your life right now and be "ok." Looking forward to the day that you're smiling brightly and have an inner glow from profound happiness. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh do I know the place you are in. It's the ebb and flow of hope, of faith... of IVF cycles.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about you!
Happy bloggers are overrated. The only one I know is some sort of "contract" blogger for my clinic. She makes me INSANE.
ReplyDeleteStay yourself and we get it. Happiness comes later.
April is a lovely time for FET.