"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

19 March 2011

Apology & Going Incognito

I've been struggling lately with infertility, emotionally. Two years into this, I somewhat had a good handle on it. I was able to put it in perspective and keep it in a place in my life that didn't invade everything else.

But four years have passed and it seems that my anger and sadness are seeping out into other places,  unintended, and as this journey wears on, I'm having a harder and harder time reeling it in. It should be the other way, right? I should be able to just accept the fact that we haven't been able to conceive with grace and dignity and in fact, get better with age, as any one does with a finite loss...

But guess what, the loss of infertility is NOT finite.

There is always one next step or one more month, or one last try, or one other option, and because of this, it is so hard to ever really 'give up' and finally just DEAL with the loss and try to move on. Its hard to just be at peace and take the rest of the world moving on in stride. Some have this talent. Clearly...I don't.

(Meditate more, my mind says, Do more yoga, my mind nudges.... then maybe, just maybe you'll be able to accept this...)

But let me share this with all of you out there in my bloggy world. And maybe I should have shared this sooner, or maybe I should not have assumed that you understood my intent for this blog...

You see, I've treated this blog as MY personal space to journal the raw, honest and emotional gut reactions to my life as an 'infertile'.  I have assumed that it is a safe and OK place to do just that, to be true to the anger and disappointment inside my head, before reason and compassion take back over and I return to the normal caring person that I truly am.

And here's where I maybe have made a mistake. Most people don't share their journal with those they know in real life. And probably for good reason. Because it lets them in to a side that they don't normally see, even though we all know that each one of us have this side. People assume intentions when they read, just like getting into an argument via something written in a email. The intent might not have been there, but because you aren't there to defend or help the reader interpret what you meant to say, miscommunication and hurt can ensue. 

But my intentions were pure and good. Honest. I really wanted to use this as a space to get the thoughts out of my head and also to have an avenue for my family and friends to peak into how our journey was going with out having to ask us all the time. 

The trouble with blogging is such... The more people you let into your "blogosphere" that know you IRL (In Real Life), the harder it is to be brutally honest and share the true reactions you have to life as you struggle to build your family. 

I desired to share this perspective with all of you.  I wanted you to understand me and how this has changed me, in both the ugly and pretty ways. But I didn't want to force it on you. So this blog was an easy way to to accomplish just that. Its a place that I can spill what I need to spill and feel better after getting it out on paper. Its a place to bring awareness to the internal struggles caused by infertility. 

So here are the points I want to clarify:
  1. I'm truly sorry if I did offend anyone by comments I made here, especially about people that exist IRL. I never intended for this to be mean-spirited. It is really just my point in time gut reaction to things as they float in and out of my life.  
  2. I need and deserve the freedom to say whatever I want to say in my blog because in the end, this blog is about me and my journey and finding support for the torment that infertility puts us through. I'm not saying my life is worse than anyone else struggling with something. We all have our own demons. I'm just saying that this blog is a big piece of my therapy for this demon that I carry. It helps me get my emotions out so I can live as peacefully in real life as I can while awaiting our child.
  3. I had also hoped that this blog would be a way to communicate with my friends and family in real life without them having to ask me if they didn't want to. But I see where that fails now. It fails because I should have open verbal communication with them instead of having them read this and make assumptions.  I've always expressed that you can ask me whatever you want, when you want. I'm pretty much an open book. And if I'm not in the mood to answer, I'll tell you that nicely. 
I've been mulling this over for a few days and came to the conclusion that I either take this blog to a private place or make sure that I don't put my blunt emotions here that can potentially be taken incorrectly. But if I do the latter, then I don't get to use this as a place for my inner thoughts and heal them, which was the primary purpose of this blog. 

So I've decided to go private. I will be changing my url and blog name to something else and not sharing it with people IRL. I'll be going incognito in a sense.  I need to be able to express myself freely and not worry if my inner thoughts are offensive to others. I AM a compassionate and loving person. I hope that you can see this. But here, I am simply sharing the truth and ugliness of this journey. 

For those of you that I have hurt with my words, I am deeply sorry. I hope that you can see that my words were not meant in malice, but just simply a point-in-time reaction.

For those in the ALI community, you will hopefully be able to find me on ICLW coming up soon. Just look near the end of the list. I'll also post on Lost & Found. Additionally, you can email me at asfastasmybabycan@gmail.com and let me know who you are or leave a comment on this post and I will share this new url with you. I do hope you find me at my new blog my wonderful ALI friends. I love you all and need you to help me through this as I hopefully help you too.


  1. I understand where you're coming from, and I wish the people you know IRL would just understand that and move on. I'm always on ICLW so I will keep up with you that way.

    I think IF is the ONE thing where more time makes it worse, not better. And you're right.. there is always one last option, one thing to try, one supplement to take, or one treatment to do. The fact that it never really ends adds to the fact that it only gets harder as you get older and the years drag on.

  2. I totally get what you mean. I haven't shared my blog with many people IRL for this very reason. I would love to continue to follow you on your new blog.

  3. Grrrrr! I just wrote you a VERY long post and it didn't post!!! I am so pissed because it was gooood.

    OK, so basically I need to tell you that I am mad at these people for judging you and making you feel like you have to apologize for your emotions, thoughts, anger, etc. They are judgemental and self-centered.

    I adore you and though we don't know each other IRL, I have no doubt in my mind that we'd be best buds... and I'd never ask you to edit yourself.

    This is a hard enough process to go through without having to worry about hurting someone else's feeling by us being honest about our pain and sadness. Shame on these people for being so self-centered that they can't set their egos aside and be there for you...WITHOUT judgement or guilt!!

    You betta' give me your new URL... I am not letting you go into hiding without me.

    I am here for you and I stand with you... in solidarity!!!

  4. Just emailed you....

  5. I hear you and I get you, and if you feel comfortable, please share with me your new blog URL. -Firsttimer

  6. I'm so sorry that it has come to this for you and that people can't let you express your emotions freely. Hugs to you.

  7. I am so there with you. Please do share your new blog with me (babyhopes2003@gmail.com). I agree that we very much need a space that we can be fully honest about the fears, pains, frustrations, and raw emotions of infertility. I've kept my blog anonymous and have not shared it with those IRL to protect them from the deepest pains we experience, but also to ensure there is somewhere that I can express them. Sharing those expressions with others that are on the same path is what helps us along through their encouragement, and what gives us strength by encouraging others.

    Wishing you all the best...

  8. Hey I would like to continue to follow you if you could email me your new site...My email is kklendworth@yahoo.com:)

  9. I understand completely. Please email me at paisleyblossoms@gmail.com because I would love to continue to follow your journey.

  10. I've had similar thoughts myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't bitch about the real people in my life because if they are reading, they wouldn't be too happy. I would still like to follow you. scrap.girl@yahoo.ca

  11. I absolutely get this, K.....obviously you know of the issue I had that prompted a blog switch, and I've felt much better that most of my friends/family IRL don't have access to my blog. I can be mean in the moment, and it doesn't matter. I'm glad you're choosing to move on to a venue where you can do that freely. We IF peeps soooooo need that! xoxo

    P.S. My verification word is "hidin"....isn't that weird???

  12. HUGS! I want to keep following your story, too!

  13. I think it is a great idea for you. You can also start a new blog under a new name and user name, I know some people have issues getting support with private blogs and I dont want that to happen to you. I am here to support you.
    Please add me to your list cgd.adventures@yahoo.com
    sending love to you...

  14. I totally understand you going private. I'd still like to come along for the journey. My email is ambivalent.womb@gmail.com

  15. Yep, I have been here, and am here. I started my blog for some of the same reasons. It serves so many purposes. But as you say, sometimes you feel like you can't fully express the ugliness that is infertility because you don't want EVERYONE IRL to know how you feel deep down inside, and that does take away from the healing ability. There have been times I wish I had kept an infertility and an every day blog. I have thought about doing that. But I just don't have the time.

    It is such a fine line and there are no hard, fast rules. It feels like it is a no-win situation too.

    I will follow you wherever you go.

    Sending love

  16. So sorry to hear that you feel you can't continue with an open blog but I do understand as well. I would love to continue to follow your road to your baby. My email is muusa06@yahoo.com. Thanks and good luck with your FET!

  17. I am sad to read this even though I just found you today on ICLW. The fine line between blog and life is hard to manage, and those who don't blog simply don't get it. Sorry you're going incognito, but kudos to you for taking care of yourself.

  18. Totally understand. This is such a tough line to walk and I'm sorry it's come to a place where you have to go in cognito; however, this is about YOU. A place to freely say what you want and getting the support you need and so deserve. So I back you up 100% sista! please share the new URL with me infertilefarmer@gmail.com

  19. It's such a sad world where a woman can't be understood for having these kinds of feelings when she has gone through something as tragic as infertility. Although I think sometimes out of anger and hurt for our own situation we may say things we regret, true friends understand that and should continue to be by our side.

    Too often do people forget that people have true raw emotions, and if you don't let them express that in the ways they feel necessary you could be doing more harm to them.

    Hope your spirits are uplifted and you continue to write about the things that heal you and the pain of infertility...

    -Lavonne @ *Our Wish*

  20. Good luck to you and your new site. I just started blogging and have only shared mine with one person IRL. She is also struggling with IF and "gets it" so I'm ok with that and so is she. Hopefully you will find what you need by going private.

  21. Awww, too bad this has happened. i sneak on and read your blog every now & then and i'm glad you shared your new url with us...

  22. Today is the second day of my 2ww on my first IVF attempt after TTC for 3 years. I can totally relate to what you have gone through during this difficult journey. I stumbled onto your blog today in random and really enjoyed reading your posts, can you share with me your new URL? My Email jenngooi@yahoo.com.sg. Hope to hear from you soon!
    x Jen

  23. I'm having the same struggles Kathleen. In fact, I could have written your post. Sharing the blog with friends IRL life is a good thing but also a bad thing...I'm realizing that now and wishing I would have kept my blog to the community only. Anyway, will you make sure you give me your new blog when you get it up?