"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

01 February 2011

Anger in the 2ww

I'm angry.

I'm angry that after 4 years of trying to have a baby, we still don't have one.

I"m angry that everyone else is pregnant and I'm not.

I'm angry that I still feel alone, even though I have this blog, and a support group and fantastic friends.

I'm angry at myself for not 'just adopting' (said with LOTS of sarcasm) because at least if I started the adoption process a few years ago, we might eventually be guaranteed a baby (see what I said there... might.... still not a 100% guarantee).

I'm angry at the true unfairness of infertility. Its just.. not... fucking.. fair!

I want to kick and scream and break things today and I want this all to finally, finally be over with. I want to move on with my life and live outside of the infertility world for a while. I miss that world. What's it like? Hm.... I can't seem to remember...

I'm angry that I'm not over being angry. Haven't I figured out how to live with this already?

This is what the 'two week wait' does to me. It makes me angry.

At least I get to go home and hopefully have a snow day tomorrow. My snow day plans will include but not be limited to the following: naps, food, book reading, more naps, shoveling, more food, a sip or two of B's stout that goes perfect with any snow day, and an adventurous dog walk or two.

17 comments:

  1. Right there with you.

    I have fights with people (fertiles at work, my family, my doctors...) inside my head. I'm giving myself 3 days of rage. Unrepentant, glorious rage.

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  2. I could have written this post myself.
    It is so normal to feel angry so please let all out here, we are here to listen.
    I am sorry you are having such a hard time, I wish I could make things easier for all of us...thinking of you....

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  3. Oh the anger, I can relate to every word you write. It is so fucking unfair.
    My advice, leave the shoveling to your husband. Don't risk it. Keep those embies safe in there!

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  4. I am smiling only because my name could have been at the bottom of this post as having written it. It is amazing that although everyones path in IF is different, this feeling is always the same. I am angry too!

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  5. Amen sister... I know the feeling.

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  6. Hang in there! You have a lot to be angry out (and don't we all!) Infertility just sucks the big one so you have every right to be angry. Wishing you a fast 2ww!

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  7. Tell me about it. I'm a bitter angry person...because it is easier than being sad and hurt and forelorn. I feel aone, too...even through I know people that have been through IVF, I freakign HAVE a bio kid, etc. It is isolating. HUGS.

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  8. Yes - this fucking blows...

    Try to enjoy your snow day!

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  9. ((hugs)) I understand hun.

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  10. I hear ya, girl. Infertility robs us so much, all the way down to the core of who we are. It absolutely is not fair and you have every right to be pissed!!

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  11. I could of wrote that post myself. Hang in there! Were all in this together!

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  12. Word up sister! Thank you for putting it out there because I feel the same...as you know. Damn IF...some days you just have to howl out the moon and curse it.

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  13. Sing it, girl! Totally feelin' ya. Sounds like we all belong in a mosh pit right now. LOL

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  14. Oh Kathleen--I could have written this today myself! I'm waiting for the results of my third IVF...my beta is Wednesday. Soooo much good luck to you! Check out my blog, it sounds like we have a lot in common.
    Kelly

    http://kbrecycling.tumblr.com/

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  15. I can totally relate. My TWW just ended with a BFN, and I am still struggling with it. Just wait till you read the blog post that is in my head right now. It is probably going to hit home with a lot of us.

    I'm here with you. This just plain sucks donkey balls!

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  16. How are you doing? When do you get to test???

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  17. Amen. The 2WW blows. Thanks for writing those words.

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