Feeling Foolish

For the past few days, I really went there. I truly did. I felt symptoms that I've NEVER felt before and I warned myself not to go there... but I did. I went there. I had my due date figured out, I had my finances finally on the mend. I had our basement finished and the baby room fixed up. Oh and I figured we could even afford a spring break celebratory trip to Mexico....

So my symptoms were as such (and sorry for the TMI)

• For the last 8 days, I've had a bloody nose whenever I blew it (ie rhinitis, a common early pregnancy symptom)
• For the last 5 days, I've been constantly dizzy and craving oranges, which I normally dislike
• For the last 4 nights, I've woken up at about 2am and haven't been able to really get back to sleep
• Over the course of the last week, I've had small period type cramps on and off, which I never have, unless I have my period.
• And of course there was the big boobs... well, big for me ;-)  (Thank YOU progesterone)

For you infertiles out there, DON'T even tell me that you wouldn't go there too, right?

And yes, I even said in my last post that I knew in my heart of hearts that it didn't work. But after a few days of these symptoms, I truly thought, maybe... just maybe... this is finally all coming together for B and me. And maybe, just maybe we'd be pregnant and have our little baby and even have some in the freezer for our second child and we would finally be free of this amazingly huge financial burden that is infertility...

But once again, infertility has taken the upper hand and made me feel like a foolish ass for hoping that this could really be our end in sight. 

My beta today was a whopping 1.0...

ONE. POINT. OH

(they would like it over 50, at least)

I mean, really? Really???? FUCK. I thought even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy, maybe we'd have a beta that was higher, like 10, or 20 or something, with all of those symptoms that I was feeling. I can't even call that a chemical pregnancy! But no... not even a sign that something was trying to happen other than the signs in my body, and now the signs that I feel like were all in my head. Even more, now that I've had those symptoms, I can't even imagine what it might feel like if I really ever DO get pregnant with our frozen cycle or if we choose to use donor eggs. I'll be a worried anxious mess about any symptoms that I have and not be able to relax until my baby is in my hands.

Foolish... That about explains how I feel today.

P.S.... for those of you who know me in real life, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this just yet... so while I treasure your interest and need support, the best way to support me right now is just a little space on this topic.  Thanks :-)