"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

10 February 2011

Feeling Foolish

For the past few days, I really went there. I truly did. I felt symptoms that I've NEVER felt before and I warned myself not to go there... but I did. I went there. I had my due date figured out, I had my finances finally on the mend. I had our basement finished and the baby room fixed up. Oh and I figured we could even afford a spring break celebratory trip to Mexico....

So my symptoms were as such (and sorry for the TMI)
  • For the last 8 days, I've had a bloody nose whenever I blew it (ie rhinitis, a common early pregnancy symptom)
  • For the last 5 days, I've been constantly dizzy and craving oranges, which I normally dislike
  • For the last 4 nights, I've woken up at about 2am and haven't been able to really get back to sleep
  • Over the course of the last week, I've had small period type cramps on and off, which I never have, unless I have my period.
  • And of course there was the big boobs... well, big for me ;-)  (Thank YOU progesterone)
For you infertiles out there, DON'T even tell me that you wouldn't go there too, right?

And yes, I even said in my last post that I knew in my heart of hearts that it didn't work. But after a few days of these symptoms, I truly thought, maybe... just maybe... this is finally all coming together for B and me. And maybe, just maybe we'd be pregnant and have our little baby and even have some in the freezer for our second child and we would finally be free of this amazingly huge financial burden that is infertility...

But once again, infertility has taken the upper hand and made me feel like a foolish ass for hoping that this could really be our end in sight. 

My beta today was a whopping 1.0...

ONE. POINT. OH

(they would like it over 50, at least)

I mean, really? Really???? FUCK. I thought even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy, maybe we'd have a beta that was higher, like 10, or 20 or something, with all of those symptoms that I was feeling. I can't even call that a chemical pregnancy! But no... not even a sign that something was trying to happen other than the signs in my body, and now the signs that I feel like were all in my head. Even more, now that I've had those symptoms, I can't even imagine what it might feel like if I really ever DO get pregnant with our frozen cycle or if we choose to use donor eggs. I'll be a worried anxious mess about any symptoms that I have and not be able to relax until my baby is in my hands.

Foolish... That about explains how I feel today.

P.S.... for those of you who know me in real life, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this just yet... so while I treasure your interest and need support, the best way to support me right now is just a little space on this topic.  Thanks :-)

22 comments:

  1. Oh Kathleen,
    I have been thinking of you a lot and waiting for an update. I am so sorry. I wish I had words to make you feel better. (((hugs)))

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  2. Welcome to the club. Maybe we can go out for valium cocktails to "celebrate" our 1.0 betas :) I also got the nosebleed thingy, I had no idea that it was an early pregnancy sign. I thought it was just because it's SUPER cold here. Hope you make it through all this and know that we're here for you. Infertility sucks!!

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  3. I am so sorry!!! Progesterone plays EVIL tricks on your body mimicking so many pregnancy symptoms. I had the same thoughts after our fresh IVF and felt so silly for 'falling for it's trickery'. I am here if you need anything!!! xo and hugs

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  4. Kathleen- This sucks...major sucks!!! Don't feel foolish....you definitely had all of the symptoms. Hang in there friend!! Take the time you need to mourn the loss...you'll know when you are ready to move on to the next steps. We're all behind you 100%!

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  5. My mind would've gone there - scratch that - it DID go there. Absolutely went there. Down with IF!

    Much love and hugs to you & B right now, my friend. xo

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  6. I am so sorry for this bfn, it always sucks. And those head games suck even more. I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way....

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  7. Oh hell. :( And yes, I'd've, even with no symptoms I went there! Don't feel foolish.

    I'm so sorry, hon. IF sucks.

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  8. Aw crap, Kathleen! I'm so sorry! Sending you lots of love and healing vibes!

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  9. Oh girl my heart is breaking for you:( I a sending you virtual hugs and a big glass of hot chocolate with extra marshmellows

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  10. My heart is breaking for you. I went there too...for you. I really felt like this was it. I am so sorry, K.

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  11. Sh*t. I'm so sorry. We all go there...that's why we do this, b/c we hope it will work for us. Don't feel like a fool. The stupid drugs do it to us.

    You do have good frozen ones that you can better match w/ your progesterone level the next time...don't lose sight of that. (this is runningmama--more room in my heart)

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  12. You're not a fool. We all go there. And I blame the progesterone for most of it really. It just sucks, plain and simple. I am so sorry.

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  13. oh no...I have had months where I could have sworn that the signs were there and I was pregnant also. Hang in there!

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  14. Oh Kathleen, I am so sorry this did not work.

    I'm very hopeful for your FET. You are in my thoughts.

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  15. Have you ever heard the Ben Folds song "hope is a bastard"? Although the song is about something different than IF, the chorus and some of the verses totally apply.

    You will get through this. This is just your valley.

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  16. Please don't feel foolish. We all hold hope up there, a dazzling ray of sunshine we aspire to be under, instead of the rain cloud of IF.

    At least you have your frosties!

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  17. Oh Kathleen, I'm so sorry. Your thoughts were totally valid--I was already there WITH you just reading those symptoms. I'm just so sorry this didn't work out.

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  18. I've done it too Kathleen. Everytime. Please don't feel foolish. I am so sorry it didn't work out. I will be praying that your beautiful frozen embies are waiting to become your babies and next time these feelings will equal a strong beta number.

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  19. Fuck is right, this is so unfair. How does our body create all of these symptoms. Seriously I haven't had a month in the past 3 years where I don't have symptoms. It is so freakin annoying!!!!! I always wonder what a real pregnancy will feel like, probably no signs!

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  20. shit...I am so sorry

    tons of hugs!!!!

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  21. I'm so sorry. Progesterone can be so horrible for this, I honestly think that when I do eventually get pregnant, I'll have NO symptoms!!

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  22. Oh no, I'm sorry I'm late in responding. I'm SO very sorry :-( HUGS

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