"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

14 July 2010

I Carry a Photo of Hope in my Wallet

Someone told me once that I would know when I am ready to 'move on' to adoption when I think about it and get excited.

By that definition, I have never been ready for adoption and I still am not. When I think about going through the process of adoption, I get nervous, sad, depressed and wary.

But when I've thought about the possibility of surrogacy for our biological child over the last few days, I 've been VERY excited. I can envision it. I can play out some events in my head and think what an amazing thing that would be! I get a big smile on my face and a good feeling of closure, of an end to this long fought battle and a finality to an arduous journey. I think I even feel that I could get to a point where I could be at peace about not being able to carry a child myself.

Isn't it amazing what a switch one's mind can make. I mean, up until about a week ago, we really never even gave surrogacy any thought. But for the last few days, its been consuming my thoughts. I feel like I just threw this out to the universe and said... ok... maybe this is our path... and it gave me a rush of excitement and positivity back. I think that means something, no?....

For the last seven years or so, I've carried a wallet sized photo of B around in my purse of when he was about five or six and I just die every time I look at it. Its so adorable. And ever since I saw that picture, I knew I wanted to have little B's running around my house. (He'd cringe at that thought... LOL!). Infertility has made me feel like I may never get that chance and looking at that picture makes me sad and longing for something that I feel like I have lost, even though I never had it. But surrogacy might just be that option that makes me feel hope again.

I'm definitely not ready to make any decisions today and we have a crap ton of research to do if we choose to go that route, but I'm more hopeful than I've been in a VERY long time that I might get a chance to see B's eyes or nose or mouth ... in our baby. And that just makes me jump for joy

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean about the picture - I have one of Andy from when he was about two and I used it keep it at work in my locker - now it's on the side of the fridge. I love it!