My Brain

I'm still wading in my emotions right now and I want to come out. I want to be free of this journey but the only way to be free is to keep going through. But its really thick right now... and heavy. Its like a muddy sloppy trek through a thick dark forest and I can't see the end and I'm carrying a big pack filled with my gear that makes each step a struggle. The gear I carry with me is all the research I've done, all the statistics and protocol variations, all of the what ifs of cycles past and donor eggs of the future, all of the money spent and the knowledge of the money to be spent.

This journey can suck the life out of you  if you let it. Many of us who are multiple IVFers have found ourselves here, with a new set of sadness and struggles. We're past that point of the initial infertility shock and loss and failure. We're the veterans, the ones who's hope fades from time to time, who are past that shining star of the promise of their first or even second IVF.

I'm not saying our pain is any more than the pain of those who are successful on their first IVF cycle, let alone their first IUI, but I'm just saying we're at a different point in this journey.... Considering 4th, 5th IVF cycles, donor eggs, adoptions...

I think its different because we have to face the real possibility that we will never see our own biological child. (And I do know some face this without even attempting IVF... so please don't take this as anything other than one experience/perspective). That was not in view with my first IVF cycle 2 years ago, even our second... But now, its real. Its SO real that it hurts like hell. I've grieved that I can't conceive a baby the natural way, that I've made peace with. But now I'm grieving the possible loss of  my genetic child.

It makes me wonder how many of us are there? What percent of people make it this far? What percent are successful with their first IVF or with their first IUI? Am I the norm or am I the exception?

Anyways, B and  I spent a half hour at our clinic last night looking through donor egg profiles. It was a heavy night. It didn't feel right yet. It felt sad and strange and somewhat wrong. So I think that just confirms I'm not ready to make decisions yet.

We did however, lay out all the options the other night and here's what came out as when I tried to organize the mess in my brain.  Remember those old anti-drug commercials with the scrambled egg in a frying pan saying "This is your brain on drugs", well...

This is your brain on infertility:

For the math geeks in the audience,  I even calculated the probability weighted cost for each option (not pictured)

I Carry a Photo of Hope in my Wallet

Someone told me once that I would know when I am ready to 'move on' to adoption when I think about it and get excited.

By that definition, I have never been ready for adoption and I still am not. When I think about going through the process of adoption, I get nervous, sad, depressed and wary.

But when I've thought about the possibility of surrogacy for our biological child over the last few days, I 've been VERY excited. I can envision it. I can play out some events in my head and think what an amazing thing that would be! I get a big smile on my face and a good feeling of closure, of an end to this long fought battle and a finality to an arduous journey. I think I even feel that I could get to a point where I could be at peace about not being able to carry a child myself.

Isn't it amazing what a switch one's mind can make. I mean, up until about a week ago, we really never even gave surrogacy any thought. But for the last few days, its been consuming my thoughts. I feel like I just threw this out to the universe and said... ok... maybe this is our path... and it gave me a rush of excitement and positivity back. I think that means something, no?....

For the last seven years or so, I've carried a wallet sized photo of B around in my purse of when he was about five or six and I just die every time I look at it. Its so adorable. And ever since I saw that picture, I knew I wanted to have little B's running around my house. (He'd cringe at that thought... LOL!). Infertility has made me feel like I may never get that chance and looking at that picture makes me sad and longing for something that I feel like I have lost, even though I never had it. But surrogacy might just be that option that makes me feel hope again.

I'm definitely not ready to make any decisions today and we have a crap ton of research to do if we choose to go that route, but I'm more hopeful than I've been in a VERY long time that I might get a chance to see B's eyes or nose or mouth ... in our baby. And that just makes me jump for joy

2 Trains,1 Platform, only 2 Feet

You know when you have a choice to make, you could go one way or the other, and you can't make up your mind? I have felt that way for a long time about adoption. I feel like I have one foot on the adoption train, and the other foot, plus my whole body, clinging to the pole at the station which is representing IVF.

We do indeed have one solid foot on the adoption train..... We picked an adoption agency and put some money down for place on their 'pre'-waiting list. What does that mean you ask? It means that once we get to the top of the list, and we have our home study and couple profile complete, we are eligible to be the next couple into the pool of potential adoptive parents that birth families see.

Its exciting, but like I said, its a foot, and not the whole body/mind, yet. We can get a full refund. And that's what I'm holding on to right now.

My mind right now and the majority of my daily actions are focused on my blood test result and trying to figure out how we can afford another IVF cycle and if its worth trying, if the tests indicated any sort of diagnosis, and if the success rate for that diagnosis and my age and history is high enough at the new clinic we are considering.

But then today, another train pulled into the statin. Its on the other side of the platform, heading in the opposite direction as the adoption train. But in order to put my foot on that new train, I think I need to take it off the adoption train.... B and I actually discussed the idea today of finding a gestational carrier (GC), aka a womb to rent, instead of pursuing adoption. And we both kind of got excited about it. Way more in fact than the first time we talked about adoption.

And now my head is spinning in all different directions, and I'm not sure where to go next. I'm not sure where each train is heading and what the schedule is... when will it arrive at its destination? Which one should I take? Or should I even go? Maybe just stay put for a while in the IVF platform?

I guess, as B says wisely, "No need to make life decisions today." So I'll sit with 2 trains in the station for a bit longer and keep mulling it over, but knowing for the first time in a while that I feel like I have a 3rd option that brings me some more joy than the 2 that I currently face.