"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. "

09 July 2010

2 Trains,1 Platform, only 2 Feet

You know when you have a choice to make, you could go one way or the other, and you can't make up your mind? I have felt that way for a long time about adoption. I feel like I have one foot on the adoption train, and the other foot, plus my whole body, clinging to the pole at the station which is representing IVF.

We do indeed have one solid foot on the adoption train..... We picked an adoption agency and put some money down for place on their 'pre'-waiting list. What does that mean you ask? It means that once we get to the top of the list, and we have our home study and couple profile complete, we are eligible to be the next couple into the pool of potential adoptive parents that birth families see.

Its exciting, but like I said, its a foot, and not the whole body/mind, yet. We can get a full refund. And that's what I'm holding on to right now.

My mind right now and the majority of my daily actions are focused on my blood test result and trying to figure out how we can afford another IVF cycle and if its worth trying, if the tests indicated any sort of diagnosis, and if the success rate for that diagnosis and my age and history is high enough at the new clinic we are considering.

But then today, another train pulled into the statin. Its on the other side of the platform, heading in the opposite direction as the adoption train. But in order to put my foot on that new train, I think I need to take it off the adoption train.... B and I actually discussed the idea today of finding a gestational carrier (GC), aka a womb to rent, instead of pursuing adoption. And we both kind of got excited about it. Way more in fact than the first time we talked about adoption.

And now my head is spinning in all different directions, and I'm not sure where to go next. I'm not sure where each train is heading and what the schedule is... when will it arrive at its destination? Which one should I take? Or should I even go? Maybe just stay put for a while in the IVF platform?

I guess, as B says wisely, "No need to make life decisions today." So I'll sit with 2 trains in the station for a bit longer and keep mulling it over, but knowing for the first time in a while that I feel like I have a 3rd option that brings me some more joy than the 2 that I currently face.


  1. Good luck with making your decision!

  2. I had actually started wondering recently if that might be an option for you. Fraught with its own complications and emotions, surely. What a big decision. I'm always here to listen as you sort out your thoughts.