B and I had our 6 year wedding anniversary yesterday. We are lucky enough to spend it up at my parent's cabin in Door County, WI where we got married. We have done this pretty much every Memorial Day since 2004. While being here and remembering the best day of my life so far is a treasure, I can't help but feel sad too. It is another marker of time passing without the growth of our family. And these reminders are sometimes very hard to take. I am however thankful and greatful for B in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The fact that he has helped me stay sane and comforted me during the hardest challenge we have encountered as a couple is a simple reminder of why I married him in the first place. He is my strength, my rock, my friend, my encourager and most importantly my home.
I love you B with more love than I could ever imagined possible and I can't wait until we can share this love with our children.
On another note, I had a phone consult with a new RE this past Friday. I'll post soon on that once I've sorted out my thoughts. Needless to say my head is spinning.
30 May 2010
20 May 2010
Stuck
I'm stuck... I feel like I'm not even spinning my wheels anymore. I've done that for a while and now I'm just stuck.. maybe even sinking.
I spent last weekend in Puerto Rico with my sisters and my mom. It was fantastic! I sat on the beach all day long relaxing and enjoying the sun. I haven't done that in a long while. I think I even laughed out loud, a full belly laugh, at my sister's sunburn's expense mind you, but it was a real laugh. I felt like I had broken from reality for those few days and forgotten the heaviness that is setting in deeper as time keeps passing.
While we did mostly just eat, drink, sun and keep the conversation light, there was one night where I cried to them about the fear of never being able to have my own kids, of having to watch as each of them (all younger sisters..) got married and got pregnant easliy, of worrying that if we adopted, my kids would feel out of place in our family, of never being able to let go of this sadness. And while it felt good to get it off my chest and have them all be there together, I still don't feel like they really get it...
And I guess I can't expect them to get it, but somehow I was hoping that after letting go of a lot of that emotion in front of them that I would feel lighter and more hopeful when I came back and I would feel some sort of deeper bond.
But I don't. I feel stuck. I wonder if I'm depressed. I keep making these daily plans to call adoption agenceies and start the process going knowing full well it could be years... YEARS ... before we can hold a child (that we had to PAY for) in our arms... (I'm still feeling bitter, can you tell?) And I'm not sure I want it...
But I want to want it....
But right now I'm just stuck... and the mud is really really thick.
I spent last weekend in Puerto Rico with my sisters and my mom. It was fantastic! I sat on the beach all day long relaxing and enjoying the sun. I haven't done that in a long while. I think I even laughed out loud, a full belly laugh, at my sister's sunburn's expense mind you, but it was a real laugh. I felt like I had broken from reality for those few days and forgotten the heaviness that is setting in deeper as time keeps passing.
While we did mostly just eat, drink, sun and keep the conversation light, there was one night where I cried to them about the fear of never being able to have my own kids, of having to watch as each of them (all younger sisters..) got married and got pregnant easliy, of worrying that if we adopted, my kids would feel out of place in our family, of never being able to let go of this sadness. And while it felt good to get it off my chest and have them all be there together, I still don't feel like they really get it...
And I guess I can't expect them to get it, but somehow I was hoping that after letting go of a lot of that emotion in front of them that I would feel lighter and more hopeful when I came back and I would feel some sort of deeper bond.
But I don't. I feel stuck. I wonder if I'm depressed. I keep making these daily plans to call adoption agenceies and start the process going knowing full well it could be years... YEARS ... before we can hold a child (that we had to PAY for) in our arms... (I'm still feeling bitter, can you tell?) And I'm not sure I want it...
But I want to want it....
But right now I'm just stuck... and the mud is really really thick.
08 May 2010
Paranoia
I took myself shopping today (and yesterday) because I needed some retail therapy. Its been a long few months studying for my last actuarial exam, which I took this past Wednesday. It was F-ing HARD!!!! But that's not the point...
I was checking out when the woman who was doing the checking out looked at me and said, "We're open until 11 tonight! Don't forget. It's a special day for you!"
And I quickly spit out of my mouth as fast as I could almost stumbling on the words, "I'm NOT a mom," worrying that she was going to ask me about my kids. Paranoid that I would for some reason have to explain the last 3 years of IUIs, IVF's, herbs, acupuncture....
She was in her mid 50s - 60s, had a beautiful Russian accent and a great sense of quirky style. She stared at me for a minute and happily told me that she was not talking about Mother's day. She was instead saying it was a special day because I was out shopping, spending money, enjoying the moment and being good to myself.
And I believed her. I truly did. And I wanted to hug her (I didn't.. but I really did want to) and tell her that in a world of mom's on a mother's day weekend, her thoughts were a breath of fresh air and I needed to hear that I don't have to run and hide just because the rest of the world is celebrating something that makes me so sad because I'm not part of it. So thank you check out woman at the departmant store! Your words touched me more than you know... I walked out of the store feeling strong in my self-splurging.
I then proceeded into the grocery store where not 2 minutes in, someone came over the loud speaker and announced that there were free hand massages and aroma therapy samples in the bath isle for all the MOM's in the store!!!! And my moment of confidence was immediately shot and I wanted to crawl back into a hole.
I should have gotten the damn hand massage anyways.
I was checking out when the woman who was doing the checking out looked at me and said, "We're open until 11 tonight! Don't forget. It's a special day for you!"
And I quickly spit out of my mouth as fast as I could almost stumbling on the words, "I'm NOT a mom," worrying that she was going to ask me about my kids. Paranoid that I would for some reason have to explain the last 3 years of IUIs, IVF's, herbs, acupuncture....
She was in her mid 50s - 60s, had a beautiful Russian accent and a great sense of quirky style. She stared at me for a minute and happily told me that she was not talking about Mother's day. She was instead saying it was a special day because I was out shopping, spending money, enjoying the moment and being good to myself.
And I believed her. I truly did. And I wanted to hug her (I didn't.. but I really did want to) and tell her that in a world of mom's on a mother's day weekend, her thoughts were a breath of fresh air and I needed to hear that I don't have to run and hide just because the rest of the world is celebrating something that makes me so sad because I'm not part of it. So thank you check out woman at the departmant store! Your words touched me more than you know... I walked out of the store feeling strong in my self-splurging.
I then proceeded into the grocery store where not 2 minutes in, someone came over the loud speaker and announced that there were free hand massages and aroma therapy samples in the bath isle for all the MOM's in the store!!!! And my moment of confidence was immediately shot and I wanted to crawl back into a hole.
I should have gotten the damn hand massage anyways.
06 May 2010
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is fast approaching and I want to hide. Actually I wanted to hide at least a month ago when Target and Walmart started their Mothers Day commercials. I feel bombarded with reminders every day that I'm not a mother.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
And it sucks.
I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?
I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.
I don't know right now how to see through this fear.
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