Celebration, Frustration & Relaxation

B and I splurged on an amazing dinner this past Thursday night. Its likely the best we've had ever in Madison. We were celebrating. 

Some of you may know that I'm an Actuary and in order to be an official Actuary, there is a series of nine exams that need to be passed. I recently found out that I passed my final exam. I did it! I'm officially a Fellow of the Casualty Actuarial Society (read Super Geek)!  These exams have been a very large part of our lives for the last 5 years. Over 300 hours of studying for each one. And I say ours, because B has been a fantastic supporter of me and helped to pick up the slack around the house during 'study season'. So as a reward, we went out and did it up right!  

My family has been very supportive as well, and they are all thrilled for me too, but the first thing out of my dad's mouth (after a congrats of course) when I called to tell him the good news was, "Maybe now that you are done, you can finally relax and get pregnant." And I politely laughed a bit and said something like, "Yeah, maybe..."  

But inside my head I was thinking, "SERIOUSLY? OH MY GOD! HAVE YOU NOT READ OR HEARD ANYTHING I'VE SENT OR SAID TO YOU IN THE PAST 3 YEARS. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS THIS STRUGGLE AND HOW IT HURTS TO HEAR THOSE WORDS. I've even sent you this very well written article twice,  Infertility Etiquette , and you still haven't read it or try to know why those words, specifically the word relax, are hurtful and insulting to me? "

I know he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings, but I just see this as another example of how some people can't really understand how intense this is and how best to support me through this. I love my dad, and we get along great most of the time, and I know that he thinks about B and I frequently and how life changing this has been for us, but that word 'relax' really pisses me off and I've tried really hard to express how much that specific word is crap.... If getting pregnant was as easy as relaxing.... I mean, it just makes me feel like he really really doesn't understand that this is a disease and this is NOT something that I have control over, no matter how much I fucking relax. 

I actually think this is somewhat of a common theme or misunderstanding of this disease among the 'fertiles' of the world.

So, not only was I irritated about the comment from my dad, but on our way out of dinner a very young, skinny somewhat downtrodden woman was walking outside of the YWCA with a 2 yr old in her hand and a baby almost ready to pop to of her belly as we got in the car after a thoroughly relaxing and enjoying dinner... And I asked myself, "Really? Really? ... Seriously?.. UGH!I don't understand that if there is a god out there, especially the one I was raised with in the Catholic church, that that god, who controls things and teaches lessons and puts the stars in the sky, if there really is that god, why the fuck is there suck inequity in the baby arena, huh?"


I don't mean to get into a religious debate here and I've long since made my peace with where I stand on religion, spirituality and its place in my life, but I see these obviously frutsrating snapshots of others lives and I think to myself, I just don't get it... I truly don't.


So instead of focusing too hard on the things I can't control, I reveled in the relaxing feeling of 2 glasses of wine, an amazing dinner, a kick ass chocolate dessert and I opened the sun roof as B drove us home. It was a beautiful evening and I asked him to drive me around our neighborhood through all of the beautifully old oak and maple trees that line the street and make the moonlight dance on the night sky while the stars twinkle through the bare spots. And I looked up through the roof and let the breeze float past my face and I thanked the world for giving me the fortune to go celebrate my achievement with B and be able to appreciate the perfect mid summer's evening in this way.


And now I try to hold onto that feeling and hope that someday I will hold my baby to my chest and show him/her that same wonder and awe at the beauty that we live in and think, "There... do you see? This is the sign that there truly is something magical in the world. We just have to know where to look for it."

Me-7; B-3

Sorry! I feel like I've been away from my blog for way too long! I'm so sorry! I've missed you guys. I'll never be away that long again...

Today we had a woman come to our home to draw our blood at our kitchen table. It was really strange! I felt like I was in a movie. She seemed a bit disorganized, and it took her some time to read the instructions from the lab in Texas that was ordering the bloodwork. Then she says in a shocked voice, "You'd better have a good vein! They want 7 vials! 7!"

And I start to freak out in my head, forgetting all of the other blood draws I've had throughout these past few years of IVF stuff, thinking, " Oh my god, I'm going to pass out". Of course I didn't, but she could really use some better bedside manners, ya know?

So they took 7 vials of my blood and 3 vials of B's blood and sent them off via fedex to 2 different labs. The test they are going to run are twofold: 1) To test my potential for autoimmune issues and 2) to test B and my gene combination for alloimmune issues.

Both of these tests are meant to give some guidance into implantation failure. If they find issues with either of the blood panels in each of these categories, they could be a clue that my body is fighting off the little embryos before then can nuzzle into my uterus and stick tight.  I'm kind of anxious to see the results (and find out how friggin much this is going to cost us). In fact, I'm tempted to make a prediction on what they find...

...here goes: I think they find that I have high levels of Natural Killer cells (an autoimmune condition) and no alloimmune issues. I'll let you know when I find out if I'm right or not. Until then, we march on, in a direction unknown, trying to enjoy the summer and not freak out too much at how fast time is moving.

facebook...GRRR!

I don't know why I torture myself. Its like a trainwreck really, I can't look away, but I really really want to.

Facebook is like this for the "sub-fertiles" of the world. Even after you've hidden all of your mommy friends because seeing cute pictures of their adorable children and learning all about the time of day they are awake breast feeding their adorable infants makes you feel sad, jealous and left out of a world you may never be a part of...you still aren't safe. The lucky fertiles out there still find their way to sneak into your newsfeed. And when they do, that sting returns.

Yesterday I found out a member of B's extended family is pregnant via facebook. She got married just 6 months ago and yesterday announced, "... we've got ao bun in the oven. We're SUPER DUPER excited."

And I'm "SUPER DUPER" jealous....  I'll never be that person who gets to have that joy and blissfully ignorant view of pregnancy and the ease at wich it happens. I'll never be that person who doesn't carry around the emotional and physical battle scars of years of trying to get pregnant that wound parts of your soul you never knew were there. I'll never be that person who can actually plan when they want to have their childern.

I'm jealous, and it makes me mad at myself! Which is the last thing I need right now, self-deprevation. I don't want to be jealous anyomre. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I don't know how not be. I guess maybe I just need to acknowledge those feelings, let myself feel them, and then try to let them pass and not hold onto the sadness and jealousy.

But facebook sure doesn't make that easy.

At least it feels good to place blame somewhere... Stupid facebook.

Soul Soothing

This weekend, we spent some time with good friends. We hiked, cooked, listened to great music, played chess (well, I watched.. cuz I have NO patience for that game) and caught up. 

 

I realized this weekend that I've known these people for 10 years. It really hit me how much I cherish their friendships.

I feel like lately I have not been very present in my life because I am so focused on either 1) sadness and crawling into a hole or 2) next steps on how to achieve a pregnancy.

I realized that I haven't really spent comforting time with people that know me well, that I have a history with of 10 years, that like me for me and don't judge that we don't have kids yet. 

I didn't feel that pressure I put on myself to live up to some sort of ideal of where I should be at what time in my life.

I just felt like me. 

And it felt good. 

And I thank them all for being my friends. 

And I hope they all know what they mean to me.

P.S. - Katie, thanks for the great pic! I'll send it your way.

Cover Me... I'm Going In!

As I alluded to in my previous post, I'm considering doing another IVF cycle. I had a free phone consult with a doctor about 3.5 hours south who specializes in working with women like me... women without a real explanation of why all of those beautiful blasts never decided to stick around my uterus and hang out for 9 months.

The RE was really nice. We talked for about a half hour about my case. She called it 'compelling'. I think that made me smile, but I'm now not sure why. Regardless, she wants me to do a whole bunch of blood-work to test for possible signs that my immune system is attacking the little embryos when they try to stick and/or to test to see if B's genes are too similar to mine and as a result our embryos aren't recognized properly by my body. Neither of these are widely accepted methods of treatment yet in the US because there has not been a lot of randomized clinical trials, but it works for some women. And I think I'm in a place where I need to see this through. As scary as jumping back into the IVF game sounds to me, adoption right now is even scarier. AND, I'm not doing so well at not having a plan.

So, here I stand, potentially creating another wall to hide the view of my future.

A wise woman in my support group once told me, "No decision you make is permanent. If you are too scared to make a decision, try it on for a while. Live with it and feel what life is like with that decision. Understand what it means. But know that you can always take it back if you don't like it."

I feel like I'm at the return counter as we speak, "Can I exchange my 'No more ART decision' for that lovely '$14K IVF' model over there? Thanks."

But really, I'm heading back to war. Back to a battle with timing, appointments, shots, highs, hope, lows, debt...  diving back into the IVF trenches, ready to fight again, unsure of the outcome, fearful of the defeat, but optimistic enough to try once again. Because as I currently sit here on the sidelines, I feel helpless and edgy. I feel like my hands are tied and I want nothing more than to win the war and bring my baby home. So like the title says... Cover me, I'm going in!

P.S. - do you like the new look of the blog?

Letting Go Is Confusing

We're at another juncture here in this baby journey of ours. The first juncture was to make the decision to try to get pregnant. The second was to try IVF. The third was to agree to be done with ART after 5 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVF and 1 failed FET...

And then I decided to take a free consult w/ an new RE....

And now we're at the fourth juncture, to try one more IVF...

I keep reading about and hearing about letting go and just being at peace with what is happening today. Not giving up the dream of being a parent, but letting go of the decisions, the process, the next steps, the research...

But I'm not really sure how to do that, or exactly what that means. Does it mean that I'm not supposed to try to find a reason why our cycles have failed when we really don't have one? Does that mean I'm supposed to stick with our plan a of a few months ago to not go back to an RE and pursue adoption? Does that mean that I'm supposed to just live my every day life and trust that a baby will just simply drop into my lap somehow?

UGH! I don't understand what it means to let go. I don't know how to find that happy middle ground of living in the present yet still trying to become parents. Does anyone have any advice?

(I still plan on sharing info on my consult w/ the new RE... but I'll keep that as a teaser for my next post)

Wedding Anniversary

B and I had our 6 year wedding anniversary yesterday. We are lucky enough to spend it up at my parent's cabin in Door County, WI where we got married. We have done this pretty much every Memorial Day since 2004. While being here and remembering the best day of my life so far is a treasure, I can't help but feel sad too. It is another marker of time passing without the growth of our family. And these reminders are sometimes very hard to take. I am however thankful and greatful for B in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The fact that he has helped me stay sane and comforted me during the hardest challenge we have encountered as a couple is a simple reminder of why I married him in the first place. He is my strength, my rock, my friend, my encourager and most importantly my home.

I love you B with more love than I could ever imagined possible and I can't wait until we can share this love with our children.

On another note, I had a phone consult with a new RE this past Friday. I'll post soon on that once I've sorted out my thoughts. Needless to say my head is spinning.