What IF...

There's this great project underway to unite many of the infertility bloggers out there and give more awareness to this cause. Here's a link talking about the project: Bloggers Unite! What IF...

Basically I have to ponder and write about one of the common "What IF's" that women & partners think about when going through this journey and then post this blog back to the Bloggers Unite blog (that's a lot of blogs in one sentence..)

So here's the "what IF" that I chose:  What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life? What if I'm never ready to adopt?...

...
I worry about this a lot. In fact, other than work and paying bills and house projects, this is mostly what I think about. I worry about getting older and older and never having a child. I worry that I will never be able to give up the desire to have B and my own genetic baby. Why does that  mean so much to me?

Some people might say, "Just adopt!" But today, I don't feel ready, or that it is easy. For me, pursuing adoption feels like I'm giving up on a dream of being pregnant, on giving up at having a child that I can see B's face in. For me, it feels like a whole new mountain that I have to scale and I just don't have the strength yet. Its there in front of me, but I just keep turning my back to it.

So what if we don't adopt? Do I continue on like this, month after month, taking my temperature, timing sex, drinking stinky herbs, going to acupuncture appointments, giving up certain foods/drinks because I think for some reason that gives me a small small bit of control over this process of which I really have none?

What if I am never friends again with some of my friends who do have kids? I've have lost touch with some because I simply don't feel like I have anything in common. I miss them dearly, but the thought of spending time with them makes me cringe. I fear that all they will want to talk about are their kids and that I will feel inadequate, that  I will feel out of place in a world of moms.  And I fear that if I do talk about this journey, that I will just sound like a stuck, broken record. And I willl have to keep up a face of hope, even when I don't feel it because I can't show my true fear and sadness in front of them. I hate feelling like I have made someone uncomfortable.

So what IF we don't adpot? I suppose eventually life would flow back into some kind of balance where I do figure out how not to focus on having sex at the right time every month  and where I do drink coffee and alcohol when I want to instead of when I feel like I have gone without long enough. Maybe I'd get back into doing triathlons and runs. I miss those dearly. And maybe we'd become more career focused and move out of our house into a sweet condo in a bigger city and we'd travel a lot.

I see that future and I think I could be ok, but it seems so empty to me right now.

So I choose not to make any decisions. I choose to simply ponder the what IF but not let the fear of a childless future make me crazy and desperate. I choose to live in my daily life because when I focus on the present, I am happy and I do feel some hope that I won't need to worry about those what IFs, because a day will come when I will feel content, whatever it that looks like.

......

Here are a few links about NIAW and Infertility if you are new to this blog, this journey I am on, or are just simply interested in reading more.
Infertility 101
NIAW

NIAW

Yesterday was the start of  National Infertility Awareness Week. It is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects over 7.3 million Americans. Do you know someone struggling with infertility (hmmm... me???). Do you want to be more supportive and compassionate? Go to Resolve.org to learn more.

I also really like this link: Infertility Etiquette.

To all of my friends who have struggled and are struggling with this life-changing event, I send you strength and hope.

To all of my family and friends who are supporting me through this journey, I send you thanks for helping me and B walk through this the best we can.

A hot pink paperweight

In college, I worked in a pub. It was a small little pub with yummy food and great beer. It had a decent lunch crowd from the local businesses and was usually busy for dinner with live music at night. I really enjoyed working there and quickly became friends with some of the regulars. One such regular, I think his name was Pete, was a writer. He would come in a few afternoons a week and sit at the tall round table in the back and write and sip on a beer. We'd chat for a few but usually I just let him write. After a year or so we got to know each other pretty well.

One day after saying our usual hellos and bringing Pete a beer, he handed me a hot pink painted stone with the words "You are the strongest woman I know" on it. He said he got it at an art fair with some friends and just felt that I needed to have it. He wasn't quite sure why, so he held onto it until he had a good enough explanation. He said he was inspired once by me to write a poem about a woman struggling to keep her farm. He had a vision of me with an infant in my arms and a toddler at my side, standing on top of the hill of my farm, overlooking the land and knowing that I could weather the storm ahead. A vision of a strong woman, a vision of a nurturer, and a vision of me.

Throughout a lot of my life, I didn't associate strength and motherhood. I pushed away a lot of the 'softer side' of me and embraced the more independent side which for some reason didn't mean 'motherhood' to me. I think only now do I recognize that I can be both strong and soft at the same time.

One of the ways I feel this softness, comfort and care is through organizing a support group for women and their partners experiencing trouble building their family.  I've met some amazing women going through the same thing and not only feel strength from them, but also the confidence to nurture. Nurturing is not a word I had associated with myself, but I'm slowly feeling more comfortable in that role.

So, last week, I asked B to come to group w/ me.  Partners come once in a while, but I don't ask B a lot because he's just not that much of a talker. He was a trooper last week as the group. He sat there for the whole 2 hours, and said maybe 2 words. He absorbed and listened and just was there because I wanted him to be. Sometimes ya take one for the team, huh? So I was surprised the next day when I got an email from B. (see below).

In these simple moments I know 2 things:
1) I am the strongest woman I know who is living my life.
2) I could never go through this journey without B. He's my strength.

email from B:  
I wanted to send this so that it wasn't just something that I though about but never said. I only wish that someone else hadn't given you the little pink rock with the same sentiment already, but you are the strongest woman I know. Watching you lead the group last night reminded me of what I may have taken for granted lately. You carry an extremely heavy burden, but do so with such dignity and grace that you deserve to be, albeit maybe quietly, recognized for all that you do in this journey. Not matter what happens in our baby quest, I will always respect and admire the path and stance you have chosen. I am fortunate to have you by my side.

I love you wife.

Dear Baby

I was going to share an old journal entry with you again but the few that I had paged through were pretty sad and it didn't fit my mood. So I thought instead that I would write a new letter to my baby today...

Dear Baby, 

I miss you. I'm sorry that I haven't been focusing on you as much in my everyday life lately. Work has been busy and I've been filling my spare time with studying. I've also been trying to get outside a lot. The weather is amazing right now. I love the transition to spring. I can't wait to show you the dog park in the spring, with all the new plants budding and blooming into color. You'll love it, I'm sure.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but its been somewhat nice to not focus on you as much lately because I sometimes feel like a whole person again, like someone who isn't missing a baby, but someone who is simply living her life in the moment.

But I still miss you, and I still want you to know that B and I are here with open arms and hearts waiting patiently (maybe not always patiently) until you come. And I don't want you to think that because I seem to be mostly happy (I'm trying, but some days its still hard) that I want you any less. In fact, I have never been more certain that I want you in my life and I can't wait till you arrive.

So, I just wanted to make sure that I got this message out there to you... we're here, ready and waiting for you. Please come soon :-) 

Love, Mom.