This is one of my favorite expressions, mostly because of B. Basically anything that comes out of his mouth that sounds remotely familiar or witty is from the Simpsons. Well, he does have a lot of wit of his own too, but the Simpsons are a huge part. One of the many reasons he makes me smile and keeps me somewhat sane in all of this.
Anyways, Meh is just a perfect expression, for many reasons. It can be used in so many situations. Its the verbal equivalent of a shoulder shrug. Here's urban dictionary's take on it.
Most importantly right now, it describes how I'm feeling during this 2ww. Meh.
Meh Meh Meh Meh Meh! (said really fast) (I guess there's a bit of anger behind that one too)
I'm sure some of you might be wondering how I'm feeling. Today I'm 5dp3dt (5 days past 3 day transfer). I have no real updates on symptoms. I know this doesn't mean anything, but I still feel a small sense of impending doom.
My beta is next week... Tuesday... Meh.
26 October 2010
23 October 2010
2 Roses and Thank You
On the day after my retrieval, this past Tuesday, as I was sitting in my parent's office working from afar, my mom came home with these 2 roses for me. They were still a bit small that day, but started to open and blossom as the days went on. That morning, I had learned we only had 3 fertilized eggs sitting in the lab and I thought to myself, man, I wish she would have gotten 3 so I could focus on them as a representation of my embryos. But maybe, somehow, subconsciously, whatever possessed her to buy these 2 roses, she knew that we would have these 2 surprise 4-cell fighters that are hopefully blossoming in me.
Today, I arrived back home in my own house after spending the last 2 weeks with my family in the city and burbs of Chicago. It was an amazing 2 weeks. I reflect on the quality time I spent with my family, especially these last few days. My parents were so involved in the drama of the last few days that I truly think they have a whole new perspective on this journey and I know it brought us closer and gave them a glimpse of what B and I have been going through these last 3.5 years.
This morning, I even shared the art project, Yad Shniyah, with them before I left and I think it really helped them truly understand how the quest for a child is SO deeply personal and affects not only the couple or person who is going through it, but also many other people in their lives.
This also made me treasure how much support and love B and I have recieved throughout this journey and specifically in these last few crazy days. So I wanted to thank you ALL (fellow bloggers, family, friends, coworkers, lurkers... ) from the bottom of my heart for helping us find strength and giving us comfort. The journey is far from over, but for now, there is at least a moment of peace, before the end of the two week wait nears.
Much love to you all!
21 October 2010
The Last 24 Hours of My Life - SIMPLY NUTS!
I"ll try to recap the ups and downs of the last 24 hours
Wednesday, October 19th
1pm - Phone call from the clinic saying my embryos suck and didn't start dividing. Probably not going to be any transfer tomorrow. Call back early in the morning tomorrow, just in case (yeah right... pipe dream)
(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
2pm - Call B to tell him there's no need for him to come down to Chicago tonight for the transfer tomorrow because its highly unlikely it will happen
(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
3pm - Cry to my mom. Why the hell does this have to happen? Are my eggs really that sucky? Do I have to face the music and try a different route (adoption, donor eggs ?)
(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
4pm - Get on the train to head downtown Chicago to meet my sister L, her husband (my BIL) and my dad for dinner before my dad and I go to the Blackhawks game. Sit in the train, looking at all of the passing towns, feeling isolated, alone, desperate but also in denial... No way are my eggs old. No way do they suck. There MUST be some explanation for this.
5pm - Sit down to dinner with L, BIL, Dad and a big margarita. Get a bit hug from L and try to not seem too down at dinner. Want to chug margaritas, but hold back on just one, because there WILL be beer at the Blackhawks game.
8pm - Blackhawks game starts. Big beer in hand, I try to focus on the game and not the tears that keep welling up in my eyes. Dad gives me some sad, comforting looks, and also tries to divert conversation to more fun things, like hockey (of which I know nothing, but try to understand). Wonder if I'll ever had my own child to do things like this with. Very dramatic. We make it through the game with only a few tears shed. They won, by the way.
11pm - Get back in the 'hoe (my dad's old Tahoe, that's still running, with almost 300K miles on it... He REALLY likes to drive his cars into the ground) and we crawl back to the burbs from the city due to the bureaucracy that is the IL DOT. 4 lanes, down to 1 lane. Wednesday night. Took us 1.5 hours to get 30 miles. NUTS! This is one certain reason I don't live in the Chicago area.
Thursday, October 21st
1am - Fall asleep
7am - Alarm goes off. Call the clinic, like a good girl, get no answer, leave a message to call me back.
8am - Call clinic again, still no answer in the lab.Call the receptionist and tell her the situation. Get put on hold. She comes back to say the embryologists are all in procedures and will call me back.
9am - Wait
10am - Based on the lack of hope I was given yesterday, I assume there's no transfer and I start packing, crying with my parents, thanking them for the last few weeks of their hospitality, love, comfort and for supporting me as we go through this. Put the dog, the big ass suitcase, and all the extra crap I carry with myself into the car and head to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a pumpkin donut. Mmmmm! I'm already starting to dream of the foods and drinks I'm going to indulge in because I'm not pregnant this month. Pizza, bottles of wine, good beer.... ah... comfort.
10:30am - Half hour west of my home town, a half hour in the opposite direction of the clinic, crying in my coffee and donut, driving and noticed I missed a call from the clinic. So I call the clinic back and they say, "Why aren't you here for your transfer?" and I say, "Because no one called me back after I tried to find out if magically my fertilized eggs started to cleave a day late." and they say, "Well, you definitely will be having a transfer today, so how soon can you get here?" and I finish with, "Hope to be there in under 2 hours".
10:40am - Call B and tell him the craziness of what is going on. Tell him I have no real information on how many or what quality my embryos are and he can just stay put in Madison and get rested (He's suffering from the flu right now or some yucky stomach bug). Call my Dad to have him meet me at an off ramp about half way to take the dog out of the car and the lasagna that my mom made for me to take back home to B. Quickly do the 'drop off' and get back on the highway for a 40min drive to the clinic.
12pm - Arrive at the clinic, pop the Valium (thank god for that! I surely needed something to help me relax after the morning I had. Oh, and btw, for those of you who aren't in the know, they typically give this to you at transfer as a muscle relaxer to help minimize your uterus from contracting when the transfer the embryos back in)
12:15pm - Get into the hospital gown. Talk with the doctor on staff at the time. Tells me we have 2 beautiful 4-cell embryos.They are a little behind in development, but they are developing, so there's hope! Cry a few tears. Walk into the transfer room. Feet up in stirrups and you know the drill (or you don't and that's fine too).
12:30pm - Get back into the car to drive to my P's. Call B and tell him we're PUPO ("Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise") and for him to just relax and not worry about being here and get some rest and try to keep some food in his belly and I'll be home Saturday morning to take care of him.
2pm - Stop at the Indian restaurant to get takeout buffet. It's been our tradition on our last 3 transfer days to go straight to the Indian buffet. This was my compromise.
3pm - Stomach full, lay on couch and start this blog entry hoping to get a little nap in.
So that about sums it up. Its been a whirlwind tour. My roller coaster ride took a hairpin turn and then went back up. I'm just still in shock and can't really believe how this even happened, but I can't dwell on it. I can just sit here, rest, relax, dream of my babies in my belly and hope to god that they decide to hang out for a while. And if there is someone out there pulling all of these strings, thank him/her for this second chance.
But p.s. I am going to miss that bottle of wine I was planning on chugging tonight ;-)
Wednesday, October 19th
1pm - Phone call from the clinic saying my embryos suck and didn't start dividing. Probably not going to be any transfer tomorrow. Call back early in the morning tomorrow, just in case (yeah right... pipe dream)
(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
2pm - Call B to tell him there's no need for him to come down to Chicago tonight for the transfer tomorrow because its highly unlikely it will happen
(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
3pm - Cry to my mom. Why the hell does this have to happen? Are my eggs really that sucky? Do I have to face the music and try a different route (adoption, donor eggs ?)
(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
4pm - Get on the train to head downtown Chicago to meet my sister L, her husband (my BIL) and my dad for dinner before my dad and I go to the Blackhawks game. Sit in the train, looking at all of the passing towns, feeling isolated, alone, desperate but also in denial... No way are my eggs old. No way do they suck. There MUST be some explanation for this.
5pm - Sit down to dinner with L, BIL, Dad and a big margarita. Get a bit hug from L and try to not seem too down at dinner. Want to chug margaritas, but hold back on just one, because there WILL be beer at the Blackhawks game.
8pm - Blackhawks game starts. Big beer in hand, I try to focus on the game and not the tears that keep welling up in my eyes. Dad gives me some sad, comforting looks, and also tries to divert conversation to more fun things, like hockey (of which I know nothing, but try to understand). Wonder if I'll ever had my own child to do things like this with. Very dramatic. We make it through the game with only a few tears shed. They won, by the way.
11pm - Get back in the 'hoe (my dad's old Tahoe, that's still running, with almost 300K miles on it... He REALLY likes to drive his cars into the ground) and we crawl back to the burbs from the city due to the bureaucracy that is the IL DOT. 4 lanes, down to 1 lane. Wednesday night. Took us 1.5 hours to get 30 miles. NUTS! This is one certain reason I don't live in the Chicago area.
Thursday, October 21st
1am - Fall asleep
7am - Alarm goes off. Call the clinic, like a good girl, get no answer, leave a message to call me back.
8am - Call clinic again, still no answer in the lab.Call the receptionist and tell her the situation. Get put on hold. She comes back to say the embryologists are all in procedures and will call me back.
9am - Wait
10am - Based on the lack of hope I was given yesterday, I assume there's no transfer and I start packing, crying with my parents, thanking them for the last few weeks of their hospitality, love, comfort and for supporting me as we go through this. Put the dog, the big ass suitcase, and all the extra crap I carry with myself into the car and head to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a pumpkin donut. Mmmmm! I'm already starting to dream of the foods and drinks I'm going to indulge in because I'm not pregnant this month. Pizza, bottles of wine, good beer.... ah... comfort.
10:30am - Half hour west of my home town, a half hour in the opposite direction of the clinic, crying in my coffee and donut, driving and noticed I missed a call from the clinic. So I call the clinic back and they say, "Why aren't you here for your transfer?" and I say, "Because no one called me back after I tried to find out if magically my fertilized eggs started to cleave a day late." and they say, "Well, you definitely will be having a transfer today, so how soon can you get here?" and I finish with, "Hope to be there in under 2 hours".
10:40am - Call B and tell him the craziness of what is going on. Tell him I have no real information on how many or what quality my embryos are and he can just stay put in Madison and get rested (He's suffering from the flu right now or some yucky stomach bug). Call my Dad to have him meet me at an off ramp about half way to take the dog out of the car and the lasagna that my mom made for me to take back home to B. Quickly do the 'drop off' and get back on the highway for a 40min drive to the clinic.
12pm - Arrive at the clinic, pop the Valium (thank god for that! I surely needed something to help me relax after the morning I had. Oh, and btw, for those of you who aren't in the know, they typically give this to you at transfer as a muscle relaxer to help minimize your uterus from contracting when the transfer the embryos back in)
12:15pm - Get into the hospital gown. Talk with the doctor on staff at the time. Tells me we have 2 beautiful 4-cell embryos.They are a little behind in development, but they are developing, so there's hope! Cry a few tears. Walk into the transfer room. Feet up in stirrups and you know the drill (or you don't and that's fine too).
12:30pm - Get back into the car to drive to my P's. Call B and tell him we're PUPO ("Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise") and for him to just relax and not worry about being here and get some rest and try to keep some food in his belly and I'll be home Saturday morning to take care of him.
2pm - Stop at the Indian restaurant to get takeout buffet. It's been our tradition on our last 3 transfer days to go straight to the Indian buffet. This was my compromise.
3pm - Stomach full, lay on couch and start this blog entry hoping to get a little nap in.
So that about sums it up. Its been a whirlwind tour. My roller coaster ride took a hairpin turn and then went back up. I'm just still in shock and can't really believe how this even happened, but I can't dwell on it. I can just sit here, rest, relax, dream of my babies in my belly and hope to god that they decide to hang out for a while. And if there is someone out there pulling all of these strings, thank him/her for this second chance.
But p.s. I am going to miss that bottle of wine I was planning on chugging tonight ;-)
20 October 2010
Over Before It Began
Yesterday we had 3 fertlized eggs. Today they were supposed to divide into 2 cells or even 4 cells.
Today we have none. They didn't divide. They stopped.
No embryos = No transfer = Not pregnant...once again.
I'm numb, angry, pissed, frustrated, confused, broken hearted...
They are still going to make me call into the lab tomorrow to see if maybe, by miraculous chance, they begin to divide... yeah... right.
The only thing positive I can come up with is the following: At least I didn't have to pay for this, well, other than time off work, gas and emotional pain and suffering.
Fuck.
Today we have none. They didn't divide. They stopped.
No embryos = No transfer = Not pregnant...once again.
I'm numb, angry, pissed, frustrated, confused, broken hearted...
They are still going to make me call into the lab tomorrow to see if maybe, by miraculous chance, they begin to divide... yeah... right.
The only thing positive I can come up with is the following: At least I didn't have to pay for this, well, other than time off work, gas and emotional pain and suffering.
Fuck.
Waiting IS the Hardest Part
Today, the waiting is killing me. It really IS the hardest part. That Tom petty song comes to mind. Along with the Simpson's episode where Homer is waiting for a gun. You know the one, right?
I'm waiting for a phone call from the clinic today to tell me if those 3 little embryos that were growing yesterday are still growing today and if they are, what time we will have our embryo transfer tomorrow. What if they aren't growing? What if my eggs really do suck. What if we don't get this chance?
I know, deep down in my soul that B and I will survive. We were ok before this IVF cycle and we will be ok after it, regardless of its outcome. And today, as I walked my dog this morning in the crisp fall air before sitting down to my computer at work, I felt my cloud of sadness from the past few days less than stellar results, lift just a little...It also could be the anesthesia finally wearing off ;-)
So I sit here and wait some more and focus all of my good energy on those 3 embryos and hope beyond hope that they make it back to me. I'll post something as soon as I know.
I'm waiting for a phone call from the clinic today to tell me if those 3 little embryos that were growing yesterday are still growing today and if they are, what time we will have our embryo transfer tomorrow. What if they aren't growing? What if my eggs really do suck. What if we don't get this chance?
I know, deep down in my soul that B and I will survive. We were ok before this IVF cycle and we will be ok after it, regardless of its outcome. And today, as I walked my dog this morning in the crisp fall air before sitting down to my computer at work, I felt my cloud of sadness from the past few days less than stellar results, lift just a little...It also could be the anesthesia finally wearing off ;-)
So I sit here and wait some more and focus all of my good energy on those 3 embryos and hope beyond hope that they make it back to me. I'll post something as soon as I know.
19 October 2010
An Early Phone Call...
... is never a good sign.
The nurse called and I could hear it in her voice: of the 7 eggs we retrieved yesterday, only 3 were mature. Luckily all 3 fertlilzed, but for the next 2 days I have to hope and pray that they make it to Thursday. Please let Thursday get here quickly with all of those eggs left growing!
I really do hate IVF today. I hate infertility and I hate that we're are here again. The waiting, the reporting, the lack of control. I'm finding myself in a negative sprial of despair. I hate despair.
The nurse called and I could hear it in her voice: of the 7 eggs we retrieved yesterday, only 3 were mature. Luckily all 3 fertlilzed, but for the next 2 days I have to hope and pray that they make it to Thursday. Please let Thursday get here quickly with all of those eggs left growing!
I really do hate IVF today. I hate infertility and I hate that we're are here again. The waiting, the reporting, the lack of control. I'm finding myself in a negative sprial of despair. I hate despair.
18 October 2010
Retrieval
7
7 eggs
I'm not quite sure what to think of that right now.
I know a lot of things that could be said about this:
"Quantity over Quality"
"You only need one"
"Think positive thoughts for those eggs and hope they fertilize"
"I know a woman had way less eggs and she got pregnant"
But honestly it is a letdown. I had 18 eggs with my first IVF and 16 with my second. Granted I'm not pregnant, so that doesn't mean crap. And I was taking more meds for those cycles. (Because this cycle is a clinical trial, the protocol was fixed and so they couldn't give me more meds). But somehow I feel like this is a small defeat. I feel like its a realization that my body is older than I thought it was, reproductively. And that's a bit of an ego blow... a smack in the face... like, come on Kathleen... time's runnign out, so you'd better figure this out or give up.
Tonight I will try my hardest to get my negativity out of my mind and wake up looking forward to the next steps, knowing that I've done the best I can.
Whatever it is that you believe, please please pray/send good thoughts/energy to those eggs and sperm for a good fertilization report tomorrow!
7 eggs
I'm not quite sure what to think of that right now.
I know a lot of things that could be said about this:
"Quantity over Quality"
"You only need one"
"Think positive thoughts for those eggs and hope they fertilize"
"I know a woman had way less eggs and she got pregnant"
But honestly it is a letdown. I had 18 eggs with my first IVF and 16 with my second. Granted I'm not pregnant, so that doesn't mean crap. And I was taking more meds for those cycles. (Because this cycle is a clinical trial, the protocol was fixed and so they couldn't give me more meds). But somehow I feel like this is a small defeat. I feel like its a realization that my body is older than I thought it was, reproductively. And that's a bit of an ego blow... a smack in the face... like, come on Kathleen... time's runnign out, so you'd better figure this out or give up.
Tonight I will try my hardest to get my negativity out of my mind and wake up looking forward to the next steps, knowing that I've done the best I can.
Whatever it is that you believe, please please pray/send good thoughts/energy to those eggs and sperm for a good fertilization report tomorrow!
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