What IF...

There's this great project underway to unite many of the infertility bloggers out there and give more awareness to this cause. Here's a link talking about the project: Bloggers Unite! What IF...

Basically I have to ponder and write about one of the common "What IF's" that women & partners think about when going through this journey and then post this blog back to the Bloggers Unite blog (that's a lot of blogs in one sentence..)

So here's the "what IF" that I chose:  What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life? What if I'm never ready to adopt?...

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I worry about this a lot. In fact, other than work and paying bills and house projects, this is mostly what I think about. I worry about getting older and older and never having a child. I worry that I will never be able to give up the desire to have B and my own genetic baby. Why does that  mean so much to me?

Some people might say, "Just adopt!" But today, I don't feel ready, or that it is easy. For me, pursuing adoption feels like I'm giving up on a dream of being pregnant, on giving up at having a child that I can see B's face in. For me, it feels like a whole new mountain that I have to scale and I just don't have the strength yet. Its there in front of me, but I just keep turning my back to it.

So what if we don't adopt? Do I continue on like this, month after month, taking my temperature, timing sex, drinking stinky herbs, going to acupuncture appointments, giving up certain foods/drinks because I think for some reason that gives me a small small bit of control over this process of which I really have none?

What if I am never friends again with some of my friends who do have kids? I've have lost touch with some because I simply don't feel like I have anything in common. I miss them dearly, but the thought of spending time with them makes me cringe. I fear that all they will want to talk about are their kids and that I will feel inadequate, that  I will feel out of place in a world of moms.  And I fear that if I do talk about this journey, that I will just sound like a stuck, broken record. And I willl have to keep up a face of hope, even when I don't feel it because I can't show my true fear and sadness in front of them. I hate feelling like I have made someone uncomfortable.

So what IF we don't adpot? I suppose eventually life would flow back into some kind of balance where I do figure out how not to focus on having sex at the right time every month  and where I do drink coffee and alcohol when I want to instead of when I feel like I have gone without long enough. Maybe I'd get back into doing triathlons and runs. I miss those dearly. And maybe we'd become more career focused and move out of our house into a sweet condo in a bigger city and we'd travel a lot.

I see that future and I think I could be ok, but it seems so empty to me right now.

So I choose not to make any decisions. I choose to simply ponder the what IF but not let the fear of a childless future make me crazy and desperate. I choose to live in my daily life because when I focus on the present, I am happy and I do feel some hope that I won't need to worry about those what IFs, because a day will come when I will feel content, whatever it that looks like.

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Here are a few links about NIAW and Infertility if you are new to this blog, this journey I am on, or are just simply interested in reading more.
Infertility 101
NIAW