Close but No Cigar

As election night is being analyzed on my TV, I have my own results to report.... We aren't pregnant.... anymore.

We had another chemical pregnancy, just like my first IVF cycle.

I'm really kind of numb right now and am not sure exactly why I'm not freaking out too much but I think maybe because we are already developing plans for our next steps, even though we're don't know exactly which direction to go.

Here are two things I do know:

1. I was pregnant this cycle. I felt it in my body and for 3 days, it was bliss. I could feel my body reacting to the embryos, accepting them and encouraging them to stay. I was thinking finally, this hellish journey is over and we can move forward and release the heaviness that hangs in the air. 
2. There is no other person in this world who I would rather have with me in this, and that's B. He keeps me grounded but lets me mourn. He keeps me focused but lets me think out loud. He keeps me comforted but lets me sob. I love you B and we will be parents. I know we will.

Today, I don't have much to say except that I'm taking this moment by moment since my thoughts change so much and so quickly.  During the day, I'm grateful to have a job that helps me focus on other things. I also feel like I have a lot of things to research and budgets to figure out and next steps to plan.

But all of that can wait for a while.  Right now, I need to crawl into a hole for a few days and regain my emotional strength and peace of mind. I need to crawl into a hole and mourn the loss of my 2 little embryos and feel them watch over me. I need to crawl into a hole and find a quiet mind so I can listen to what the world has in store for me.

I truly hope that our next steps are our last. I'm getting really tired of this.