Showing posts with label Dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dream. Show all posts
26 February 2011
If You Build It, They Will Come
I started a new page, entitled "Nursery Design" as a place to collect ideas for my future baby's room. My intent is to use it as a space to place pictures of ideas and links to design web sites that I find. I did this for my wedding in paper form, a book of cut outs from magazines of dresses, hair, makeup... And thought, why shouldn't I start doing this for my baby room? Just because I'm not a mom yet, doesn't mean that I can't look, right? And maybe those moments of dreaming will be just another message to my future child of how much we want them with us. So, forthcoming... Nursery Design Page... stay tuned.
04 January 2011
What's In a Dream?
B and I woke up Monday morning both from a tossy and turny night of restless sleep... and some strange-ass dreams. Maybe because we were anxious about going back to work after a week and half off, or maybe because we are now super close to starting shots for IVF #4... January 1, AF showed and thus the BCPs start. (Ps... I hate BCPs worse than I do Lupron... Hopefully I'm not too much of a monster).
So here's what I awoke from that morning.
I arrived in Abu Dhabi and was heading to my hotel room. Not really sure why I was there. In order to get to the hotel room, I had to climb some steep ladder-like stairs and fit through a small half doorway of a clay type building. At the doorway was a little old lady wrapped in some head scarves welcoming me. I'm not sure if I found her scary or sweet.
Somehow I fit through the doorway and entered the hotel room. It was a really large space with a middle common room and a kitchenette with a window looking outside. Around this space were about 5 or so bedrooms. I was faced with choosing which bed I would be staying in. I was also waiting for my sister to arrive, so I wanted to find a bed for her. Also there were a few old college roommates.
I was struggling to make a decision on which room/bed to take. Each room was a bit wrong for me and I couldn't figure out where my sister would sleep too. As the dream progressed, the large room kept filling up with more people, most of which seemed like they were getting ready for some kind of party, to be thrown there in the room. And they were claiming their own bed spaces. And I started to get really anxious. Where was I going to sleep? Where was I going to find a quiet space of my own? And I didn't want there to be a party! I just wanted some rest and peace.
So I decided to take a bed in the room that was set up for kids. In the room, there were 2 little blond headed children, 1 boy and 1 girl, although I can't seem to remember their faces. There were smaller beds for them and they were each playing in the room at the time. There were also a few adult sized beds and I was trying to ask them if it would be ok if I slept in the room with them. The little girl seemed excited but I don't really remember what the boy had to say about it. I started to feel a sense of calm coming on because I found a quiet place that I was going to be able to sleep and I was exicted to lay down next to this sweet little girl and hear her sleep later that evening...
And then the dream fades out and I'm not sure what else happened... and I woke up and asked B if he had strange dreames and told him that 'my head is f-ed up!"
He proceeded to tell me about a snippit of his strange dream, where there were beer bottles, but they were also representing kids, and he had to choose which ones to pick... I don't even know where to begin with that one, or do I? :-)
So yesterday, I was chatting with M about my dream for a bit and we agreed there was some crazy symbolism going on there... M's also on her own fertility journey. Go visit her! Her blog rocks. Oh, she's also a therapist, so I like to pick her brain now and then. Anyways, our conversation prompted me to look some things up in an online dream dictionary. Here's some of the interesting things I found:
So, what do ya think? Any good dream analyzers out there?
So here's what I awoke from that morning.
I arrived in Abu Dhabi and was heading to my hotel room. Not really sure why I was there. In order to get to the hotel room, I had to climb some steep ladder-like stairs and fit through a small half doorway of a clay type building. At the doorway was a little old lady wrapped in some head scarves welcoming me. I'm not sure if I found her scary or sweet.
Somehow I fit through the doorway and entered the hotel room. It was a really large space with a middle common room and a kitchenette with a window looking outside. Around this space were about 5 or so bedrooms. I was faced with choosing which bed I would be staying in. I was also waiting for my sister to arrive, so I wanted to find a bed for her. Also there were a few old college roommates.
I was struggling to make a decision on which room/bed to take. Each room was a bit wrong for me and I couldn't figure out where my sister would sleep too. As the dream progressed, the large room kept filling up with more people, most of which seemed like they were getting ready for some kind of party, to be thrown there in the room. And they were claiming their own bed spaces. And I started to get really anxious. Where was I going to sleep? Where was I going to find a quiet space of my own? And I didn't want there to be a party! I just wanted some rest and peace.
So I decided to take a bed in the room that was set up for kids. In the room, there were 2 little blond headed children, 1 boy and 1 girl, although I can't seem to remember their faces. There were smaller beds for them and they were each playing in the room at the time. There were also a few adult sized beds and I was trying to ask them if it would be ok if I slept in the room with them. The little girl seemed excited but I don't really remember what the boy had to say about it. I started to feel a sense of calm coming on because I found a quiet place that I was going to be able to sleep and I was exicted to lay down next to this sweet little girl and hear her sleep later that evening...
And then the dream fades out and I'm not sure what else happened... and I woke up and asked B if he had strange dreames and told him that 'my head is f-ed up!"
He proceeded to tell me about a snippit of his strange dream, where there were beer bottles, but they were also representing kids, and he had to choose which ones to pick... I don't even know where to begin with that one, or do I? :-)
So yesterday, I was chatting with M about my dream for a bit and we agreed there was some crazy symbolism going on there... M's also on her own fertility journey. Go visit her! Her blog rocks. Oh, she's also a therapist, so I like to pick her brain now and then. Anyways, our conversation prompted me to look some things up in an online dream dictionary. Here's some of the interesting things I found:
- stairs - To dream you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress in your spiritual, emotional or material journey.
- door - To dream you are entering through a door signifies new opportunities that are presented before you. You are intereing into a new stage in your life and moving from one level of consciousness to another. If the door opens to the inside, it denotes your desire for inner exploration and self-discovery.
- bed- To dream you are searching for a bed suggests you are looking for domestic security/happiness
- children - There's just way too much out there on seeing children in a dream that I don't even know where to begin, so I think the best is just to state the obvious... I WANT CHILDREN! AND I WANT THEM NOW! They also seem to represent the fact that I need to take time off to cater to MY inner child, which I obviously don't do enough of.
- hotel - To see a hotel in your dream signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape your daily life.
So, what do ya think? Any good dream analyzers out there?
16 October 2010
Trigger Day
Its here. Its trigger day...
I went into the clinic to get my last of the daily blood draws and ultrasounds. If you recall, I'm participating in a phase IV clinical trial for a new IVF med. Because the study is sponsored by a drug company, I am a lucky recipient of a FREE, all expenses paid IVF cycle. And with this, I become their lab rat.
Since last Sunday, I've been into the clinic every day to get an ultrasound of my ovaries which counts the number and size of the follicles that hopefully each will contain a mature egg at retrieval. I've also become a human pin cushion as they take blood daily to measure how my hormone levels are changing and to find the optimal time to pull the trigger.
Aside: For those of you who don't know, the trigger is a shot that tells all the follicles growing to mature and get ready to ovulate. This is needed because you are taking 2 other shots in the prior days. 1 shot to grow more eggs than the usual one and another shot to stop your body from ovulating until all of the eggs get to a similar size. Then about 36 hours after the trigger shot, just before all of those eggs would ovulate on their own (yikes, THAT would hurt!), the egg retrieval process happens. So, there's some crucial timing involved in these next few days.
And today's the optimal day. I have about 10 big follicles growing on my ovaries with a few smaller ones behind. And all of my hormone levels look to be in the right ranges. So tonight, I take one last shot in my already slightly bruised belly and throw my hands up to the fates.
My egg retrieval will be Monday and then we wait for the somewhat nerve-wrecking updates... number of mature eggs retrieved, number that fertilized, number of embryos still growing on 1 day later, 2 days later.... and then on 3 days later, we'll transfer 2 of the best looking embryos back into me and hope at least one chooses to stick around for 38 more weeks. And then after that, hopefully we have a few good embryos still left growing in the lab 5 days later and they can freeze them for a subsequent cycle.
This is a very strange time in an IVF cycle for me. I feel odd. I feel like a freak. I feel like I'm walking around the world with the knowledge that my body is going through a strange, harvesting process, like I'm an alien experiment and everyone is watching. But no one would know if they looked at me. Anyone understand this feeling? Its almost like the feeling in that dream where you are at school or work w/o a shirt, or pants, or some crucial article of clothing on and everyone is staring at you, but you still have to go through you day. You know the one, right?
But there's no waking up of this dream into a world where I have all the right clothes on... into a world where I have a baby in the usual, have sex, miss your period and celebrate kind of way. And so I have to stay asleep in this awkward dream, and hope that when I do wake up, I still get that bundle of join in the end....
So send me some good egg maturing thoughts and I'll see ya on the flip side of the retrieval.
ps... My sister drove me to the clinic this morning and we joked in the car about maturing eggs... picture this... all of those eggs in my ovaries, partying it up, moving around, because they think they are 'so mature'... 'woo hoo!!! we're old enough to party now!" ... maybe that's why it gets so friggin uncomfortable in there over the next few days
I went into the clinic to get my last of the daily blood draws and ultrasounds. If you recall, I'm participating in a phase IV clinical trial for a new IVF med. Because the study is sponsored by a drug company, I am a lucky recipient of a FREE, all expenses paid IVF cycle. And with this, I become their lab rat.
Since last Sunday, I've been into the clinic every day to get an ultrasound of my ovaries which counts the number and size of the follicles that hopefully each will contain a mature egg at retrieval. I've also become a human pin cushion as they take blood daily to measure how my hormone levels are changing and to find the optimal time to pull the trigger.
Aside: For those of you who don't know, the trigger is a shot that tells all the follicles growing to mature and get ready to ovulate. This is needed because you are taking 2 other shots in the prior days. 1 shot to grow more eggs than the usual one and another shot to stop your body from ovulating until all of the eggs get to a similar size. Then about 36 hours after the trigger shot, just before all of those eggs would ovulate on their own (yikes, THAT would hurt!), the egg retrieval process happens. So, there's some crucial timing involved in these next few days.
And today's the optimal day. I have about 10 big follicles growing on my ovaries with a few smaller ones behind. And all of my hormone levels look to be in the right ranges. So tonight, I take one last shot in my already slightly bruised belly and throw my hands up to the fates.
My egg retrieval will be Monday and then we wait for the somewhat nerve-wrecking updates... number of mature eggs retrieved, number that fertilized, number of embryos still growing on 1 day later, 2 days later.... and then on 3 days later, we'll transfer 2 of the best looking embryos back into me and hope at least one chooses to stick around for 38 more weeks. And then after that, hopefully we have a few good embryos still left growing in the lab 5 days later and they can freeze them for a subsequent cycle.
This is a very strange time in an IVF cycle for me. I feel odd. I feel like a freak. I feel like I'm walking around the world with the knowledge that my body is going through a strange, harvesting process, like I'm an alien experiment and everyone is watching. But no one would know if they looked at me. Anyone understand this feeling? Its almost like the feeling in that dream where you are at school or work w/o a shirt, or pants, or some crucial article of clothing on and everyone is staring at you, but you still have to go through you day. You know the one, right?
But there's no waking up of this dream into a world where I have all the right clothes on... into a world where I have a baby in the usual, have sex, miss your period and celebrate kind of way. And so I have to stay asleep in this awkward dream, and hope that when I do wake up, I still get that bundle of join in the end....
So send me some good egg maturing thoughts and I'll see ya on the flip side of the retrieval.
ps... My sister drove me to the clinic this morning and we joked in the car about maturing eggs... picture this... all of those eggs in my ovaries, partying it up, moving around, because they think they are 'so mature'... 'woo hoo!!! we're old enough to party now!" ... maybe that's why it gets so friggin uncomfortable in there over the next few days
03 September 2010
Getting Ahead of Myself
I know I am getting ahead of myself with this post, but I had a realization tonight....and it made me feel like I had something in my hand that I treasured and it was just rudely ripped away.
If we are lucky enough to have a biological child from the plans we have decided on over the next few months, I don't think we'll go through all of this for a second child. I know, never say never, but it simply seems so daunting to start this journey all over again for a second child. So because of that, we'll be faced with adoption or having only one child. (Yes, I fully admit, this is only one scenario of how my life can go, but it is a possibility and It just kind of hit me tonight that it IS a possibility)
I'm sad. I may have to work so incredibly hard to have our first child that we simply don't have the emotionally and financial resources to figure out how to have a second.
I always dreamed that if we did have children, we would have more than one B and I both come from larger families. I want to hear that laughter of my CHILDREN playing with each other, and fighting about silly things and giving advice to each other and.... But there's a distinct reality that we may only have one.... If that!
So needless to say, I was freaking out last night at this new realization..
I think the point of this post is to show how it takes time to see how infertility affects your whole life. Even beyond potential success. Its not just that you are trying and trying and trying so hard to achieve your first goal, but it can affect your second, third and so on goals... It affects the timing of events in your life, it affects plans you had for retirement, it affects your dreams of moving to different places, of trying new things. It affects it because your life feels on hold and static yet ever moving/focused towards the one very large goal. And you feel robbed of other dreams. And yes, dreams aren't everything, and learning to live in the present moment is very important...
But you still have dreams.
And I know that some of you will say, go for your dreams! And as easy as that sounds, its just not the same. Yes, we can still find things to keep us here and happy in the moment and trying to find peace in our current situation, but this is a draining process, emotionally, physically, financially. And that constant drain still affects your dreams, even if you continue to try to achieve them.
P.s..... the reality of no children is still here too, lurking... but I didn't want to honor that reality today in anyway, shape or form
If we are lucky enough to have a biological child from the plans we have decided on over the next few months, I don't think we'll go through all of this for a second child. I know, never say never, but it simply seems so daunting to start this journey all over again for a second child. So because of that, we'll be faced with adoption or having only one child. (Yes, I fully admit, this is only one scenario of how my life can go, but it is a possibility and It just kind of hit me tonight that it IS a possibility)
I'm sad. I may have to work so incredibly hard to have our first child that we simply don't have the emotionally and financial resources to figure out how to have a second.
I always dreamed that if we did have children, we would have more than one B and I both come from larger families. I want to hear that laughter of my CHILDREN playing with each other, and fighting about silly things and giving advice to each other and.... But there's a distinct reality that we may only have one.... If that!
So needless to say, I was freaking out last night at this new realization..
I think the point of this post is to show how it takes time to see how infertility affects your whole life. Even beyond potential success. Its not just that you are trying and trying and trying so hard to achieve your first goal, but it can affect your second, third and so on goals... It affects the timing of events in your life, it affects plans you had for retirement, it affects your dreams of moving to different places, of trying new things. It affects it because your life feels on hold and static yet ever moving/focused towards the one very large goal. And you feel robbed of other dreams. And yes, dreams aren't everything, and learning to live in the present moment is very important...
But you still have dreams.
And I know that some of you will say, go for your dreams! And as easy as that sounds, its just not the same. Yes, we can still find things to keep us here and happy in the moment and trying to find peace in our current situation, but this is a draining process, emotionally, physically, financially. And that constant drain still affects your dreams, even if you continue to try to achieve them.
P.s..... the reality of no children is still here too, lurking... but I didn't want to honor that reality today in anyway, shape or form
03 August 2010
My Baby Knows
Yesterday I found out that a person I know is pregnant from her first IVF... and it stings. I was so down last night thinking about how frustrating this journey is, how random it seems to be. How while I have new directions to follow, I still don't know the best path to take.
But sometimes it doesn't even seem that random. Sometimes I feel like I'm always getting the shit end of the deal. I know.... I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But thats a really hard thing NOT to do in this situation.
So just when you feel like all hope is lost, you have a dream that gives you some strength back.
Dear Baby,
Thank you so much for coming to me last night in my dream. I think you know that I needed to see you and that holding you in my dream will give me strength to continue on this journey. I can still feel how it amazing it was to hold you last night and show you to the world.
I can't wait to meet you and hold you in this reality too.
Love, Mom
But sometimes it doesn't even seem that random. Sometimes I feel like I'm always getting the shit end of the deal. I know.... I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But thats a really hard thing NOT to do in this situation.
So just when you feel like all hope is lost, you have a dream that gives you some strength back.
Dear Baby,
Thank you so much for coming to me last night in my dream. I think you know that I needed to see you and that holding you in my dream will give me strength to continue on this journey. I can still feel how it amazing it was to hold you last night and show you to the world.
I can't wait to meet you and hold you in this reality too.
Love, Mom
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