We did it!!! Today, we paid off our IVF debt.
We're finally free of the looming credit card balance staring us in the face, taunting us with "ha ha... you still owe me money... and you don't have anything to show for it..."
We're free. Relief. Peace.
But somehow I thought I would feel happier. I thought I would feel a release.
Now, all I feel is a strange sense of finality. Is this it? Are we done? Are our chances gone? Is there hope?
I was in a meeting yesterday at work and and there was a woman in the meeting who is pregnant. She is probably a good 10 years younger than me. She's looks to be about 5 months along, showing, cutely.. but not hugely.. And I didn't feel that pang of sadness. I felt a strange sense of detachment. Like oh, hmmm... I wonder what that's like... a numbness.
I'm sad that I felt that way. I thought I should still feel a sense of longing whenever I see a pregnant woman, a sense of desire and a sense of hope... But right now I feel nothing....
and that scares the crap out of me.
19 February 2010
17 February 2010
Dear Baby
As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, B recommended, as did a few others, that I start writing in a journal. I actually bought a really pretty bound journal from Target and tried to write in it.
But for some reason, writing just didn't flow. I think that's why I didn't really take to journaling right away. Instead, as I sat at the laptop and typed out my thoughts, I found the words came out a lot easier.
I thought tonight that I'd share one of my handwritten entries from my first attempt at keeping a journal. This entry is from about a year ago before right before we were to start our first IVF cycle. Oh, the hope that was in all of our hearts back then. I still have that hope, but its a very different kind of hope right now. Its more patient, less desperate... even deeper somehow... Anyways.. here's the entry:
15 March, 2009
Dear Baby,
I had dinner tonight with your grandparents and we talked about you. They are so excited and hopeful that you are on your way soon. I can't wait to make them grandparents. They are the most caring, giving and loving parents and will be such a HUGE part of your life. We'll often go visit them and Grandma will hold you and cuddle you and sing you songs and give me a break when I need a break. Grandpa will laugh and play with you and when you are older, encourage you and teach you lessons. I can even picture you taking a nap together as he holds you on his chest in his favorite chair. And after a fun weekend visit to the grandparents, B and I will pack us all back into the car and drive back home and the whole way you will be telling us over and over how much fun you had visiting them.
Our family is ready and waiting for you and here to welcome you into our open and loving arms...
But for some reason, writing just didn't flow. I think that's why I didn't really take to journaling right away. Instead, as I sat at the laptop and typed out my thoughts, I found the words came out a lot easier.
I thought tonight that I'd share one of my handwritten entries from my first attempt at keeping a journal. This entry is from about a year ago before right before we were to start our first IVF cycle. Oh, the hope that was in all of our hearts back then. I still have that hope, but its a very different kind of hope right now. Its more patient, less desperate... even deeper somehow... Anyways.. here's the entry:
15 March, 2009
Dear Baby,
I had dinner tonight with your grandparents and we talked about you. They are so excited and hopeful that you are on your way soon. I can't wait to make them grandparents. They are the most caring, giving and loving parents and will be such a HUGE part of your life. We'll often go visit them and Grandma will hold you and cuddle you and sing you songs and give me a break when I need a break. Grandpa will laugh and play with you and when you are older, encourage you and teach you lessons. I can even picture you taking a nap together as he holds you on his chest in his favorite chair. And after a fun weekend visit to the grandparents, B and I will pack us all back into the car and drive back home and the whole way you will be telling us over and over how much fun you had visiting them.
Our family is ready and waiting for you and here to welcome you into our open and loving arms...
Almost Perfect
Last weekend my family and I celebrated my dad's 65th birthday. It was ALMOST a perfect night. We had drinks and appetizers at my sister's apartment. We gave him gifts. We played a dvd that I had put together of the last 35 yrs or so of his life set to some tear jerking songs. And then we went to a nice long dinner at a cozy steak place. And finished the night up at an irish pub.
It was an almost perfect night...
It was almost perfect because I had thought, just about 6 weeks ago that MAYBE we MIGHT have been pregnant on our own. It was the month before my laparoscopy and I missed my period by 2 days!!! 2 WHOLE DAYS!! And those of you who have done this infertility crap for a while know that for those 2 whole days, I really really thought it might have been possible....even after 3 years of no no no no no.... I still thought it was possible.
And in a split second, I had planned it all. I had planned when I was going to tell everyone and when were due and how wonderful it was going to be to give my dad the best birthday gift I could think of.... telling him he was going to be a Grandpa. I was going to save it for that night at dinner... and tell everyone together... and we'd all cry.. and laugh.... and this nightmare would finally be over...
... as I said... ALMOST perfect night.
It was an almost perfect night...
It was almost perfect because I had thought, just about 6 weeks ago that MAYBE we MIGHT have been pregnant on our own. It was the month before my laparoscopy and I missed my period by 2 days!!! 2 WHOLE DAYS!! And those of you who have done this infertility crap for a while know that for those 2 whole days, I really really thought it might have been possible....even after 3 years of no no no no no.... I still thought it was possible.
And in a split second, I had planned it all. I had planned when I was going to tell everyone and when were due and how wonderful it was going to be to give my dad the best birthday gift I could think of.... telling him he was going to be a Grandpa. I was going to save it for that night at dinner... and tell everyone together... and we'd all cry.. and laugh.... and this nightmare would finally be over...
... as I said... ALMOST perfect night.
04 February 2010
The Other Side of the Wall
I don't have a wall in front of me right now and I kind of wish I did.
Let me explain.
After 'cycling' for almost 2 years (cycling is the affectionate term for actively trying to get pregnant, especially with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist), I often felt like with each cycle, at the beginning with all of the hope and excitement surrounding how many follicles I had, how great my hormone levels are, how many awesome swimmer B has, I would see in my future path, a big wall. I can't see through the wall, but I hope as hard as hell that on the other side of the wall is my baby.
I knocked down my last wall this past September and once again, there was nothing was there.
But since then, I had another plan, and a tiny wall was erected. I knew there was no baby on the other side, mostly, but it was still a nice wall, blocking the view of my future. Most importantly, blocking an empty view of my future w/o any biological children. This most recent wall was the laparoscopy. I knew it wasn't going to produce me a baby, but at least it was an upcoming event that I could focus my energies on and hope for an answer to this madness.
Its somewhat blissful in fact, with a wall in front of you... Its hopeful. Even after many many months of walls that are broken down w/ no baby behind them, you still think... maybe..... could be... yeah, maybe its this one... And so before you break down that wall, you are at peace.
But right now, I don't have any walls in front of me. Right now, because we don't have any looming cycles (IUIs, IVFs.... what have you) in front of us (I just CAN'T get the energy or money up to do it... too many resources to muster w/ too much at stake), I'm anxious... I'm sad... I'm fearful...I'm heavy. What if I don't have any more walls in front of me ever again? What if we just decide to stop? What if a baby doesn't magically appear in front of me?
Its hard to be on the other side of a wall without knowing when/if another will come along and help you stay peaceful and present. I guess I'm supposed to figure out how to do that myself. Ugh...
Let me explain.
After 'cycling' for almost 2 years (cycling is the affectionate term for actively trying to get pregnant, especially with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist), I often felt like with each cycle, at the beginning with all of the hope and excitement surrounding how many follicles I had, how great my hormone levels are, how many awesome swimmer B has, I would see in my future path, a big wall. I can't see through the wall, but I hope as hard as hell that on the other side of the wall is my baby.
I knocked down my last wall this past September and once again, there was nothing was there.
But since then, I had another plan, and a tiny wall was erected. I knew there was no baby on the other side, mostly, but it was still a nice wall, blocking the view of my future. Most importantly, blocking an empty view of my future w/o any biological children. This most recent wall was the laparoscopy. I knew it wasn't going to produce me a baby, but at least it was an upcoming event that I could focus my energies on and hope for an answer to this madness.
Its somewhat blissful in fact, with a wall in front of you... Its hopeful. Even after many many months of walls that are broken down w/ no baby behind them, you still think... maybe..... could be... yeah, maybe its this one... And so before you break down that wall, you are at peace.
But right now, I don't have any walls in front of me. Right now, because we don't have any looming cycles (IUIs, IVFs.... what have you) in front of us (I just CAN'T get the energy or money up to do it... too many resources to muster w/ too much at stake), I'm anxious... I'm sad... I'm fearful...I'm heavy. What if I don't have any more walls in front of me ever again? What if we just decide to stop? What if a baby doesn't magically appear in front of me?
Its hard to be on the other side of a wall without knowing when/if another will come along and help you stay peaceful and present. I guess I'm supposed to figure out how to do that myself. Ugh...
31 January 2010
A day of recovery
I spent the day after my surgery in bed w/ my knitting, my dog and a very attentive B.
Thanks B, you're amazing!
.
P.S. - I'm knitting a baby blanket for MY baby. Do you think they will want to get here faster?? :-)
Another fun filled Friday night
This past Friday night, I had my first (and hopefully my last) Laparoscopy. (Warning: the link has a few pictures you might not want to see)
It went pretty well. They found 2 areas of endometriosis and were able to remove it all. Other than not having anything wrong, this is the best possible outcome I could have hoped for. In fact, I actually wanted them to find something.
You see, we've been on this journey for 3 years starting next month and up until now, we really haven't had any explaination of why we can't get pregnant. B's got good swimmers, I make great eggs, they seem to fertilize, so why the hell aren't we getting pregnant??? Well, there's that whole implantation thing that I guess seems to be our problem. Even if we're making good embryos, they still need to be able to implant their way into the uterus and the uterus has to accept the embryo and allow it to snuggle in for a good 9 months or so. Unfortunately, this is the one area of baby-making that the Reproductive Endocrinology world doesn't really agree on how to fix, or if it can be fixed at all.
So, when faced with a problem that isn't straightforward, I usually turn to Dr Google and research the crap out of the issue at hand. Which is exactly what I did with this. After our 3rd failed IVF, I began to see a pattern in my body's response to putting healthy embryo's back inside. Each time, after we transferred 2 or 3 healthy embryos into my uterus, and before I was supposed to get my period, I would develop a fever-ish feeling. The first time this happened, I thought it was just a coincidence. But after the 2nd and 3rd times, I really felt like this was a trend and most definitely a clue into why we aren't getting pregnant.
What could cause this type of reaction?
One theory, is that women with mild/moderate endometriosis develop an immune reaction that doesn't allow an embryo to implant, or attacks the embryo as it tries to burrow into the uterus. Because there is misplaced endometrial tissues outside of the uterus in the pelvic cavity, the immune system sees it as an invader. But the immune system doesn't know how to differentiate between the misplaced endometrial tissue and the correct endometrial tissue in the uterus and therefore attacks both areas. So, the heightened immune response inside the uterus inconveniently causes implantation issues. This of cousre is just a theory, and in fact, many women WITH endometriosis do actually get pregnant.
This is the problem with science and medicine (coming from a very analytical, research oriented person). As a doctor, they have to treat to trends and theories backed by peer-reviewed, randomized, double-blind studies. However, as a somewhat desperate patient trying to figure out how to get pregnant, even anecdotal evidence, or theories that have yet to be shown true in such studies are good enough for me to pursue if they aren't too invasive or expensive. In my mindset, a laparoscopy fits this bill. However, because I don't fit the typical endometriosis patient profile, I had to basically beg my OB/GYN to perform this surgery on me. I did have some suspicions that I do have endometriosis, but I won't get into those here. It would make an already long post, even longer.
And now I can go back to him in a few weeks at my post-op meeting and say "I told you so!!!" in a very nice and thankful way for taking this chance with me.
Where does this leave me you ask? Well, studies have shown, that in the next 3-6 months after a laparoscopy, success rates increase, no matter how you try to get pregnant (on your own, IUI, IVF)... So we now have a little more hope that maybe it could possibly work on our own!!! But I'm not ready to let myself feel that hope yet. After 36 months of trying, getting your hopes up, and then being let down each and every month, I just can't really get my hopes up too much.
Although, who am I kidding... I'm hopeful.
It went pretty well. They found 2 areas of endometriosis and were able to remove it all. Other than not having anything wrong, this is the best possible outcome I could have hoped for. In fact, I actually wanted them to find something.
You see, we've been on this journey for 3 years starting next month and up until now, we really haven't had any explaination of why we can't get pregnant. B's got good swimmers, I make great eggs, they seem to fertilize, so why the hell aren't we getting pregnant??? Well, there's that whole implantation thing that I guess seems to be our problem. Even if we're making good embryos, they still need to be able to implant their way into the uterus and the uterus has to accept the embryo and allow it to snuggle in for a good 9 months or so. Unfortunately, this is the one area of baby-making that the Reproductive Endocrinology world doesn't really agree on how to fix, or if it can be fixed at all.
So, when faced with a problem that isn't straightforward, I usually turn to Dr Google and research the crap out of the issue at hand. Which is exactly what I did with this. After our 3rd failed IVF, I began to see a pattern in my body's response to putting healthy embryo's back inside. Each time, after we transferred 2 or 3 healthy embryos into my uterus, and before I was supposed to get my period, I would develop a fever-ish feeling. The first time this happened, I thought it was just a coincidence. But after the 2nd and 3rd times, I really felt like this was a trend and most definitely a clue into why we aren't getting pregnant.
What could cause this type of reaction?
One theory, is that women with mild/moderate endometriosis develop an immune reaction that doesn't allow an embryo to implant, or attacks the embryo as it tries to burrow into the uterus. Because there is misplaced endometrial tissues outside of the uterus in the pelvic cavity, the immune system sees it as an invader. But the immune system doesn't know how to differentiate between the misplaced endometrial tissue and the correct endometrial tissue in the uterus and therefore attacks both areas. So, the heightened immune response inside the uterus inconveniently causes implantation issues. This of cousre is just a theory, and in fact, many women WITH endometriosis do actually get pregnant.
This is the problem with science and medicine (coming from a very analytical, research oriented person). As a doctor, they have to treat to trends and theories backed by peer-reviewed, randomized, double-blind studies. However, as a somewhat desperate patient trying to figure out how to get pregnant, even anecdotal evidence, or theories that have yet to be shown true in such studies are good enough for me to pursue if they aren't too invasive or expensive. In my mindset, a laparoscopy fits this bill. However, because I don't fit the typical endometriosis patient profile, I had to basically beg my OB/GYN to perform this surgery on me. I did have some suspicions that I do have endometriosis, but I won't get into those here. It would make an already long post, even longer.
And now I can go back to him in a few weeks at my post-op meeting and say "I told you so!!!" in a very nice and thankful way for taking this chance with me.
Where does this leave me you ask? Well, studies have shown, that in the next 3-6 months after a laparoscopy, success rates increase, no matter how you try to get pregnant (on your own, IUI, IVF)... So we now have a little more hope that maybe it could possibly work on our own!!! But I'm not ready to let myself feel that hope yet. After 36 months of trying, getting your hopes up, and then being let down each and every month, I just can't really get my hopes up too much.
Although, who am I kidding... I'm hopeful.
Cleanse: Days 4-7... ALL CLEAN!
We did it! We survived our cleanse! I'm all clean! Well, at least cleaner than I was a week ago... Now... where is that nice big bottle of wine that I bought at Trader Joe's???
Right after I posted my previous post, I proceeded to get VERY anxious about the upcoming day without food. It was about 3pm and I was sitting at my kitchen table studying on my day off work. (Side note: I'm an actuary.. and we study on our days off... and its not fun.. but hopefully after this last exam in May, I won't have to study on my days off ever again). Then B got home from work around 4:30 and we both were a bit cranky and anxious and I realized it was the first Friday night in a long time that we didn't crack open a bottle of wine or beer and figure out where to go or what yummy thing we could eat for dinner.
Instead, the looming day ahead of no food and more importantly a Friday night without something to take the edge off the long week made us both a little anxious... Oh, and for dinner, we could only eat fruits and veggies... not a very promising or 'rockin' Friday night.
Instead, we found ourselves heating up a tasty treat of 'detox broth' and trying to figure out how to pass the time. Thank god for Trivial Pursuit! Why is it with alcohol, even if you aren't doing anything, you feel like you are doing something???
The next day we went to get a massage in the morning, which helps to release some of the toxins out of your muscles that have been loosening up from the diet changes and sauna's in the prior 3 days. It was really nice! And it passed the time without food for most of the morning, so really we only had to make it through the rest of the day. And it seemed to go pretty fast. Then, but the time day 5 came around where were we able to eat fruits and veggies again, the smoothie I made for breakfast was the tastiest thing I'd had in a long time. Then day 6 & 7 seemed to pass with relative ease.
When all is said and done, I'm glad we did the cleanse. I feel more healthy, my skin is happier, my body feels lighter and more energetic and I definitely feel like I let go of some emotions that I've been storing up inside me for a while. However, I do feel like I could have 'done it better'... doing more meditations, more yoga, going to the sauna everyday. I don't feel like I accomplished my goal of making any decisions about our next steps on how to get to our baby. But maybe that's the point. I don't have to be perfect at a cleanse and I don't have to make a solid plan. Its a learning process and the next time I go through it I can change a few things up, both the cleanse, and whatever it is that we try next on the road to our baby.
For now, I'm just happy to be eating chocolate again.
Right after I posted my previous post, I proceeded to get VERY anxious about the upcoming day without food. It was about 3pm and I was sitting at my kitchen table studying on my day off work. (Side note: I'm an actuary.. and we study on our days off... and its not fun.. but hopefully after this last exam in May, I won't have to study on my days off ever again). Then B got home from work around 4:30 and we both were a bit cranky and anxious and I realized it was the first Friday night in a long time that we didn't crack open a bottle of wine or beer and figure out where to go or what yummy thing we could eat for dinner.
Instead, the looming day ahead of no food and more importantly a Friday night without something to take the edge off the long week made us both a little anxious... Oh, and for dinner, we could only eat fruits and veggies... not a very promising or 'rockin' Friday night.
Instead, we found ourselves heating up a tasty treat of 'detox broth' and trying to figure out how to pass the time. Thank god for Trivial Pursuit! Why is it with alcohol, even if you aren't doing anything, you feel like you are doing something???
The next day we went to get a massage in the morning, which helps to release some of the toxins out of your muscles that have been loosening up from the diet changes and sauna's in the prior 3 days. It was really nice! And it passed the time without food for most of the morning, so really we only had to make it through the rest of the day. And it seemed to go pretty fast. Then, but the time day 5 came around where were we able to eat fruits and veggies again, the smoothie I made for breakfast was the tastiest thing I'd had in a long time. Then day 6 & 7 seemed to pass with relative ease.
When all is said and done, I'm glad we did the cleanse. I feel more healthy, my skin is happier, my body feels lighter and more energetic and I definitely feel like I let go of some emotions that I've been storing up inside me for a while. However, I do feel like I could have 'done it better'... doing more meditations, more yoga, going to the sauna everyday. I don't feel like I accomplished my goal of making any decisions about our next steps on how to get to our baby. But maybe that's the point. I don't have to be perfect at a cleanse and I don't have to make a solid plan. Its a learning process and the next time I go through it I can change a few things up, both the cleanse, and whatever it is that we try next on the road to our baby.
For now, I'm just happy to be eating chocolate again.
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