As Fast As My Baby Can

Blog Closed

2011-04-09T15:13:00.000-05:00

If it wasn't altogether clear in my prior post, this blog is now closed to new posts (except for this one... ;-) )

I have moved to a new blog. If you would like to join me over in my new home, please email me at: asfastasmybabycan@gmail.com and let me know. I will invite you.

Apology & Going Incognito

2011-03-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling lately with infertility, emotionally. Two years into this, I somewhat had a good handle on it. I was able to put it in perspective and keep it in a place in my life that didn't invade everything else.

But four years have passed and it seems that my anger and sadness are seeping out into other places, unintended, and as this journey wears on, I'm having a harder and harder time reeling it in. It should be the other way, right? I should be able to just accept the fact that we haven't been able to conceive with grace and dignity and in fact, get better with age, as any one does with a finite loss...

But guess what, the loss of infertility is NOT finite.

There is always one next step or one more month, or one last try, or one other option, and because of this, it is so hard to ever really 'give up' and finally just DEAL with the loss and try to move on. Its hard to just be at peace and take the rest of the world moving on in stride. Some have this talent. Clearly...I don't.

(Meditate more, my mind says, Do more yoga, my mind nudges.... then maybe, just maybe you'll be able to accept this...)

But let me share this with all of you out there in my bloggy world. And maybe I should have shared this sooner, or maybe I should not have assumed that you understood my intent for this blog...

You see, I've treated this blog as MY personal space to journal the raw, honest and emotional gut reactions to my life as an 'infertile'. I have assumed that it is a safe and OK place to do just that, to be true to the anger and disappointment inside my head, before reason and compassion take back over and I return to the normal caring person that I truly am.

And here's where I maybe have made a mistake. Most people don't share their journal with those they know in real life. And probably for good reason. Because it lets them in to a side that they don't normally see, even though we all know that each one of us have this side. People assume intentions when they read, just like getting into an argument via something written in a email. The intent might not have been there, but because you aren't there to defend or help the reader interpret what you meant to say, miscommunication and hurt can ensue.

But my intentions were pure and good. Honest. I really wanted to use this as a space to get the thoughts out of my head and also to have an avenue for my family and friends to peak into how our journey was going with out having to ask us all the time.

The trouble with blogging is such... The more people you let into your "blogosphere" that know you IRL (In Real Life), the harder it is to be brutally honest and share the true reactions you have to life as you struggle to build your family.

I desired to share this perspective with all of you. I wanted you to understand me and how this has changed me, in both the ugly and pretty ways. But I didn't want to force it on you. So this blog was an easy way to to accomplish just that. Its a place that I can spill what I need to spill and feel better after getting it out on paper. Its a place to bring awareness to the internal struggles caused by infertility.

So here are the points I want to clarify:

I'm truly sorry if I did offend anyone by comments I made here, especially about people that exist IRL. I never intended for this to be mean-spirited. It is really just my point in time gut reaction to things as they float in and out of my life.
I need and deserve the freedom to say whatever I want to say in my blog because in the end, this blog is about me and my journey and finding support for the torment that infertility puts us through. I'm not saying my life is worse than anyone else struggling with something. We all have our own demons. I'm just saying that this blog is a big piece of my therapy for this demon that I carry. It helps me get my emotions out so I can live as peacefully in real life as I can while awaiting our child.
I had also hoped that this blog would be a way to communicate with my friends and family in real life without them having to ask me if they didn't want to. But I see where that fails now. It fails because I should have open verbal communication with them instead of having them read this and make assumptions. I've always expressed that you can ask me whatever you want, when you want. I'm pretty much an open book. And if I'm not in the mood to answer, I'll tell you that nicely.

I've been mulling this over for a few days and came to the conclusion that I either take this blog to a private place or make sure that I don't put my blunt emotions here that can potentially be taken incorrectly. But if I do the latter, then I don't get to use this as a place for my inner thoughts and heal them, which was the primary purpose of this blog.

So I've decided to go private. I will be changing my url and blog name to something else and not sharing it with people IRL. I'll be going incognito in a sense. I need to be able to express myself freely and not worry if my inner thoughts are offensive to others. I AM a compassionate and loving person. I hope that you can see this. But here, I am simply sharing the truth and ugliness of this journey.

For those of you that I have hurt with my words, I am deeply sorry. I hope that you can see that my words were not meant in malice, but just simply a point-in-time reaction.

For those in the ALI community, you will hopefully be able to find me on ICLW coming up soon. Just look near the end of the list. I'll also post on Lost & Found. Additionally, you can email me at asfastasmybabycan@gmail.com and let me know who you are or leave a comment on this post and I will share this new url with you. I do hope you find me at my new blog my wonderful ALI friends. I love you all and need you to help me through this as I hopefully help you too.

Not So Happy Blogger

2011-03-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

Spring is just beginning to peak its warming head around the corner. I welcome it, but it also marks the passage of time and yet another season without success. I can almost transport myself back to the fall when I had oodles of hope that our next steps would bring us some happy news this past winter.

I'm struggling to peel away the defeat from this long-time battle and find joy in my current life. I'm struggling to get excited about our final transfer, our final try at our genetics. I feel like I'm just going to go through the motions... BCPs... lupron... estrogen... progesterone, transfer... wait, wait, freak out, wait, false hope... BFN.

And then some hard decisions ensue.

I wish I could be a happier blogger lately, but I only really feel inspired to write when I'm feeling down. I should let you all know however, that since I'm not writing all that often, that I'm really doing ok. In my daily life, moment to moment, I'm ok. Its just that as these emotions well up inside me and they need to come out.

By the way, I took my first BCP last Sunday. Our FET should be sometime at the end of April... here we go again.

A Quick Thank You

2011-03-11T12:19:00.000-06:00

Thank you all so very much for supporting and comforting and commiserating with me... It means more than I could ever express

A special thanks to the person who sent me flowers at my office. I don't know who you are, but they surely brightened my day and my office. :-)

Facebook Does it Again

2011-03-09T19:22:00.000-06:00

No matter how hard you try, no matter how good of a handle you think you have on the pain and the unfairness of infertility, no matter how good you have been at ignoring the fact that you have a BIG GAPING HOLE in your heart that can only be filled by holding your baby in your arms and knowing this journey is over, things still come along to knock you off your feet.

(Granted, I haven't been trying very hard or been very good at handling the pain or ignoring it lately...)

Once again, facebook caused me to trip and fall over and land flat on my face today. Stupid facebook...

I just found out a person in my life, who isn't married and is lacking financial stability is expecting a 'new addition' due in September....

All I can say is... Unfairness... you have the upper hand... And I hate you for it.

Wasted

2011-03-03T18:08:00.001-06:00

We decided to take a month off before we start BCPs for our FET (Assuming we do an FET... more to come on that...). I thought this month off would be good to emotionally heal and map out our path (still haven't done that... a few weeks to go I guess). I also thought I was being a good sister. My brother is getting married in December, out of town, and if we did the FET right away and not taken this month off, AND for some miracle it worked, we would have been due right around the time of his wedding.... Even thought there's a part of me that doesn't want to worry about anyone ELSE's time frame regarding our potential baby, I would have never forgiven myself if it worked and I would have missed his wedding... So mostly the month off is for timing.

Of course, with a month off infertility treatments, and the knowledge that all of our parts technically work, when one is hoping for a baby, and has been trying for 4 years, one expects to try naturally in these times, no? And that's what I expected. I made sure I knew the optimal time as determined by temperature charting and body 'clues' and proceeded to inform B of our 'date nights'.

The first, second and third optimal days came and went... no lovin' ensued... I just couldn't get there.. and now I'm simply angry.

I'm so angry at this crap. I'm so angry at how it invades my every thought and my emotion. And I'm pissed at how it's affected my sex life with B. I feel sad, I feel like a failure to him, but this month, I just couldn't do it... I feel robbed of a sense of wonder, intimacy and naivete that so many couples have when trying to have a baby and I feel robbed of the spontaneity of having sex with your partner when you WANT to and not when you HAVE to. I know that many people experience this on their infertility journeys. But I want to express here to those who don't have to go through this how much it affects so many different aspects of your life. And you simply feel broken.... in so many ways.

So screw you infertility! Screw you for invading the intimacy with B. Screw you for making me feel guilty and like a failure in more than one way. And SCREW you for making me waste a egg.

Anyone near Minneapolis going to this???

2011-03-02T21:11:00.001-06:00

RESOLVE's Midwest Family Building Conference

Exploring Paths of Hope: 27th Annual Infertility and Adoption Family Building Conference

Saturday, March 12, 2011
7:30AM - 5:00PM
Golden Valley, MN

If you are going, let me know! B and I are considering attending. It would be great to meet some of you in person.

If You Build It, They Will Come

2011-02-26T09:39:00.002-06:00

I started a new page, entitled "Nursery Design" as a place to collect ideas for my future baby's room. My intent is to use it as a space to place pictures of ideas and links to design web sites that I find. I did this for my wedding in paper form, a book of cut outs from magazines of dresses, hair, makeup... And thought, why shouldn't I start doing this for my baby room? Just because I'm not a mom yet, doesn't mean that I can't look, right? And maybe those moments of dreaming will be just another message to my future child of how much we want them with us. So, forthcoming... Nursery Design Page... stay tuned.

Ode to Progesterone

2011-02-21T20:12:00.001-06:00

Happy ICLW again! For those of you new to my blog, please see the tab above: Our Journey. Thanks for stopping by.

--------------------------------

And now my Ode:

Oh how I miss you, lovely Progesterone

I miss my thick hair
I miss my clear, smooth skin
I miss non-interrupted sleep
I miss my calm, peaceful demeanor

Oh how I miss you, lovely Progesterone

Won't you come back to stay?
(At least for 9 months???)

--------------------------------

There must really be something to that 'pregnant glow', huh? As my body comes down from the meds from my last failed IVF cycle, I see my normal hormone glitches taking over. My hair feels less full, my skin is more oily, I'm breaking out like a teenager and I'm edgier than hell. These are all signs to me that my natural body rhythms just aren't quite right.

I was talking with my RE about it at my WTF appointment last friday (yes, I still need to fess up about that.... in due time, my pretties) and telling her how much I love being on Progesterone, how calm and healthy I feel. And she tells me that likely my stress hormones are dominating (YA THINK???) and its causing excess androgens, leading to the skin imbalances, among others...Progesterone combats that. Progesterone is just fantastic really, it helps reduce inflammation in the body! It actually is necessary for implantation to allow for the embryo to implant into the uterine lining and not have the immune system get pissed off and kick it out. Its one of amazing little reactions that happen in our bodies when one gets pregnant, or so I'm told.

Anyways, enough of the science lesson. For now, I'm just wishing that my body was still happily puffed up from the progesterone, anxious about our next steps, and aching to feel a baby growing inside me...

70s Flashback - Party Busses and Protests

2011-02-20T11:39:00.001-06:00

For the last few days, save for a WTF appointment with my RE last Friday (more on that in coming post), I've focused on everything but infertility... and it's been good...not great, but good.

Since last Thursday, I've been supporting my teacher husband, B, in a fight for his working rights. Our state is currently "ground-zero for labor" (per an MSNBC news show host). Now, I don't want to get into a political debate here on my blog, but I do want to say how inspiring it has been to see people come voice their opinion and show support of a topic near and dear to their hearts. We've spent the last 3 days going downtown to be in the capitol building, chanting, waving signs, rallying, and PEACEFULLY (unlike some other news channel's reports) protesting the governor's proposed legislation. It has made me feel more alive than I've felt in a while. The energy that comes from being in a group of people, estimated at 35,000, is very rejuvenation and also puts this infertility trouble in perspective. Yes, it sucks ass that we can't get pregnant. And yes, it sucks ass that we have to spend a ton of money on methods to try to have a child, but we are fortunate that we can even begin to think about paying for these things. Some of the people down at the capitol yesterday are fearing that they won't be able to pay their mortgage if the governor's budget bill passes. We are fortunate and I am SO thankful for that.

Also, last night, we spent the evening bar hopping via a school bus with a large group of our friends to celebrate a 40th birthday. Getting out with them and laughing and talking and catching up, reaffirms to me that my friends, even though they are all parents and we aren't, still like us and find value in our friendships. I forget this often. I feel like because we don't have kids, we are missing a huge chunk of our lives that we can't relate to them on. And to some extent, that's true. But there are other things in their lives and ours that we have in common and we can still laugh and joke and encourage and support... These evenings give me the strength and energy I need to continue on our path to parenthood and not give in to the desire to crawl into a hole and isolate myself or sell everything and go into the peace corps or something life changing like that...

So a few things have been helping me recoup and gather the energy and strength I need to move on to our final FET with our 3 embryos and beyond that if necessary. Because more than anything, I want a family with B and I want to wake up on a weekend morning and play with my kids. And I want to be awoken at 1am and 4am to feed my hungry newborn. And I want to see them grow into a their own unique self and learn to make choices and make mistakes. And I want to show them how they too can fight for their own rights and develop friendships that give them strength and help them when they need a lift.

So thank you, dear friends, for helping me through this journey, even though you may not know that your did.

R.I.F.

2011-02-12T10:34:00.002-06:00

Recurrent.
Implantation.
Failure.

That's me... nothing but a big failure...

4 fresh transfers and 1 frozen transfer, of mostly beautiful embryos. We've tried day 5, day 3 and day 2 (age of the embryos)... And all of those transfers have resulting in only 3 chemical pregnancies. (Yes, this last one, was indeed another chemical pregnancy, says my RE)

Over the last 36 hours or so, after receiving the news that my beta was only a 1.0, I have felt very panicky. We're at the end of the line here with our genetics. We've agreed to be done spending 10s of thousands of dollars per year on this basically doing the same thing while still not having any more clear of a path. We still don't have a solid reason.

By that I mean, no one can really agree on why RIF occurs. Or maybe what I mean is that there are too many unproven explanations for RIF. Or MAYBE what I REALLY mean is that the medical community has no "for certain" diagnostic tests and resulting methods of overcoming possible abnormalities in those tests to solve the RIF issue. Come on medical community... GET IT TOGETHER!!!

Aside: This is precisely why infertility needs to be voiced more so that funding can occur to solve these issues, and those of us without insurance coverage can hope to someday have help in paying for this madness.

So where does this leave us? With 3 possible explanations:

Poor Egg Quality - My eggs are poor quality, chromosomally abnormal, and therefore our embryos stop developing after a few days in-utero because the pregnancy is not viable.

Factors supporting this:

IVF #3 showed "spongy and grainy eggs" which I guess are a sign of poor quality
IVF #2 embryos kind of 'pooped' out around day 5
Premature Lutenization in 3 of my 4 IVF stim cycles is correlated with poorer egg quality

Treatment:

Donor Eggs or Embryo Adoption or Adoption

Immune System Malfunction - My eggs are fine but my body won't let the little embryos implant for too long. The process starts, but my immune system is messed up just enough that it attacks the implanting embryo and says, "Stop trying to burrow in!"

Factors supporting this:

Mild endometriosis found in my laparoscopy last year, which is correlated with implantation failure in some literature

The immune testing I had done showed that I have some borderline signs of this potential issue. (High NK cells, CD56+, APAs.... I touched on this a bit in this post)
The feverish feeling I got during my 2ww of the first 3 transfers, before I started taking the prednisone during the 2ww.

Treatment:

Use some fairly non proven and potentially unsafe infusions in the blood during our FET that aim to suppress the immune system more so than what I've already been doing with the steroids (I used prednisone with my last two transfers)
Use a proven gestational surrogate to transfer our embryos to instead of me and hope that at least one sticks in there.

Both 1& 2

Treatment:

Bang head into wall and hope that when I come to, there's a baby in my lap.

The reason that I lay this out there is that I really need some help in deciding our next steps. I just don't know what to do. We have 3 beautiful grade A day 2 embryos in the freezer and I want to make sure that when I look back on this all, I can say that I left no stone unturned AND we weren't stupid in throwing away this last chance at our genetics. I'm open to everything right now. Really... I just want this to end. I'm tired and weary of this journey and I want to get on with my life. Do we transfer all 3 back to me? Do we find a gestational surrogate? Do we try both? If this doesn't work, is donor eggs the right step? Or am I kidding myself into thinking my body can hold a pregnancy?

Any advice is appreciated.

Feeling Foolish

2011-02-10T19:54:00.001-06:00

For the past few days, I really went there. I truly did. I felt symptoms that I've NEVER felt before and I warned myself not to go there... but I did. I went there. I had my due date figured out, I had my finances finally on the mend. I had our basement finished and the baby room fixed up. Oh and I figured we could even afford a spring break celebratory trip to Mexico....

So my symptoms were as such (and sorry for the TMI)

For the last 8 days, I've had a bloody nose whenever I blew it (ie rhinitis, a common early pregnancy symptom)
For the last 5 days, I've been constantly dizzy and craving oranges, which I normally dislike
For the last 4 nights, I've woken up at about 2am and haven't been able to really get back to sleep
Over the course of the last week, I've had small period type cramps on and off, which I never have, unless I have my period.
And of course there was the big boobs... well, big for me ;-) (Thank YOU progesterone)

For you infertiles out there, DON'T even tell me that you wouldn't go there too, right?

And yes, I even said in my last post that I knew in my heart of hearts that it didn't work. But after a few days of these symptoms, I truly thought, maybe... just maybe... this is finally all coming together for B and me. And maybe, just maybe we'd be pregnant and have our little baby and even have some in the freezer for our second child and we would finally be free of this amazingly huge financial burden that is infertility...

But once again, infertility has taken the upper hand and made me feel like a foolish ass for hoping that this could really be our end in sight.

My beta today was a whopping 1.0...

ONE. POINT. OH

(they would like it over 50, at least)

I mean, really? Really???? FUCK. I thought even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy, maybe we'd have a beta that was higher, like 10, or 20 or something, with all of those symptoms that I was feeling. I can't even call that a chemical pregnancy! But no... not even a sign that something was trying to happen other than the signs in my body, and now the signs that I feel like were all in my head. Even more, now that I've had those symptoms, I can't even imagine what it might feel like if I really ever DO get pregnant with our frozen cycle or if we choose to use donor eggs. I'll be a worried anxious mess about any symptoms that I have and not be able to relax until my baby is in my hands.

Foolish... That about explains how I feel today.

P.S.... for those of you who know me in real life, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this just yet... so while I treasure your interest and need support, the best way to support me right now is just a little space on this topic. Thanks :-)

2ww Writers Block

2011-02-07T08:24:00.001-06:00

I've been struggling to write any posts during this 2ww. I think its because I'm trying to detach myself from this process even though I know if I have a negative outcome, it will still hurt. During the 2ww, I'm pretty much a mess. Internally, I'm up and down emotionally. Externally, I may seem stoic or pensive or happy. Sometimes a twinge here or there gives me a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this could finally be our time, but deep down, I really don't think this worked. I still have a few days to wait until my blood test, so I will dutifully take my progesterone, like a good little IVF patient, and hope that I'm one of those lucky women who get pregnant w/o really feeling anything... In my heart of hearts I feel that we'll be thawing those 2 little frosties for one last attempt with my genetics....

For now, my quietness is simply a sign that I'm trying to focus on anything but infertility for the next few days, even though my mind can think of nothing else...

Anger in the 2ww

2011-02-01T14:52:00.001-06:00

I'm angry.

I'm angry that after 4 years of trying to have a baby, we still don't have one.

I"m angry that everyone else is pregnant and I'm not.

I'm angry that I still feel alone, even though I have this blog, and a support group and fantastic friends.

I'm angry at myself for not 'just adopting' (said with LOTS of sarcasm) because at least if I started the adoption process a few years ago, we might eventually be guaranteed a baby (see what I said there... might.... still not a 100% guarantee).

I'm angry at the true unfairness of infertility. Its just.. not... fucking.. fair!

I want to kick and scream and break things today and I want this all to finally, finally be over with. I want to move on with my life and live outside of the infertility world for a while. I miss that world. What's it like? Hm.... I can't seem to remember...

I'm angry that I'm not over being angry. Haven't I figured out how to live with this already?

This is what the 'two week wait' does to me. It makes me angry.

At least I get to go home and hopefully have a snow day tomorrow. My snow day plans will include but not be limited to the following: naps, food, book reading, more naps, shoveling, more food, a sip or two of B's stout that goes perfect with any snow day, and an adventurous dog walk or two.

BL-Oscars

2011-01-30T09:56:00.001-06:00

(I'm stealing the title of this blog from another crafty blogger... )

Recently I was the recipient of the above awards from 3 fellow bloggers. Thanks Ladies!

Here are the rules for accepting the awards:

Thank and link back to the person/people who gave you the award - Done
Share 7 things about yourself - See below
Award 15 other bloggers - See below
Contact those bloggers to tell them about the award - Done

7 things about myself that you might now know:

I learned to snowboard when I was in college and I LOVE it! I now live in the Midwest and the "ski hills" as they like to call them here just plain suck. Hopefully someday I'll be able to spend at least one week a year skiing in the Rockies, where only TRUE mountains live.
I just read "Skinny Bitch" and I think its going to push me over to the vegan column. This really isn't a book about being skinny, but more about really actually THINKING about what you put in your body. We have become sooooo oblivious to understanding where our food actually comes from.
My favorite job EVER was a bartender in a blues bar in college. Its such a blast being behind a bar in a packed place with fantastic music playing. The energy will keep you going for days.
Speaking of music, I want to take up piano and/or flute lessons again. I used to play piano and flute but dropped them when I entered high school.
The two foods I can't STAND, to the point of wanting to vomit if they get close to my house are bananas and yogurt. I don't remember the last time I've had a banana and I don't think I've even tried yogurt because that smell makes my stomach lurch... excuse me while I go puke in my mouth a bit.
If I could do it all over again, I'd be a dancer, a backup dancer for Madonna or something amazingly fun like that. I danced in college (no, not THAT kind...) and found a way to express myself and felt SO amazingly comfortable in my own body. Now my body is just blobby and bloated from IVF. BOOOO and I have a wonderful hubby who doesn't like to dance... ever.
My dog is so cute that I want to squeeze her too hard and pop her head of. I hope I don't do that when I have kids... LOL!

Hope you found something out about me that you didn't know!

Now, the 15 10 bloggers that I get to award... hmmm... I think a few of them have already been awarded, so my list isn't 15 as I just can't keep up and follow tons and tons of blogs, but I'll do my best (and ps... not all are infertility blogs):

A Little Blog about the Big Infertility
Adventures in Infertility Land
Cooking with Gas
Infertility Unexplained
More Room in My Heart
Waiting for a Baby Bump
Infertility Musings
Roccie Road
Stork Stalking
The Infertile Farmer

Happy Award-ing!

3 in the Freezer

2011-01-29T10:04:00.003-06:00

We went to the clinic yesterday to check on our 6 embryos and decide whether or not to transfer this month or freeze all due to my higher progesterone number on day of trigger. The night before, B and I had made our decisions based on scenarios of how many we have left. 6 was easy - transfer 2, freeze 4. 4 was easy - freeze all. But 5 was a little less so... transfer none? 1? or 2?

B actually wasn't there yet because his work schedule is such that he can't just leave work at any given time. He's a teacher and finding a sub for just an hour or two of his classes is difficult at his school. He said if we did transfer, he wouldn't be able to be there until just at the time of transfer. They had ME arrive an hour before.

So I went into the prep room with the hospital bed, gown and warm blanket and waited to talk with my RE before I got undressed. She came in with a big smile: 5! and 4 of which were grade A ( yes, they grade them like beef). But then we sat there together in the room trying to think of the best plan.

You see, nothing is really clear cut in this infertility world. Even last night as I looked up studies on pubmed there's conflicting information about serum progesterone levels on day of trigger. Some studies say it predicts lower pregnancy rates and therefore the best course of action is to freeze all and do an FET, others, not so much. But what really helped me to make my decision was not the numbers, but the visual look of my uterine lining.

A little science lesson: Before ovulation and before the uterus is exposed to progesterone, the uterine lining should look something like this (not mine, just a good pic on the in internet):

You can see there, what they call the 'triple stripe. Its the part where the thin white line is surrounded by some darker grey area and the a different white outline of the uterine lining. That's the area that gets shed every month when a woman gets her period. This is what we want the uterus to look like on the day of ovulation (or retrieval in and IVF cycle).

Once the uterus has been exposed to higher levels of progesterone, which in a natural cycle occurs right after ovulation and in an IVF cycle occurs on the day of retrieval when we start progesterone supplements, the lining starts to look more homogeneous, ie, no distinct triple stripe pattern.

My RE said that even though my progesterone numbers were a higher than they would like, she checked the pattern of my lining on the day of retrieval and it still looked 'triple striped.'

As she and I sat in the prep room yesterday trying to make our decision, I went back to these following facts: My body still "looked" receptive and on IVF #1, I did actually get pregnant, albeit a chemical pregnancy, even though my progesterone was high then too. As I said in my last post, science is fantastic for helping us make a good decision, but sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and roll the dice. And with that, we made the decision to freeze the 3 best looking embryos and transfer the remaining 2. It just felt like the right thing to do.

So here I am, saying hello to the 'two week wait' again.

Now, how do I get through these next few weeks with some sanity???

We Have Embabies!

2011-01-27T12:48:00.002-06:00

Quick update. I'll post more later, but just wanted to give you and update

14 eggs ==> 8 mature ==> 6 fertilized

WE HAVE EMBABIES!!!!!!!!!! OH JOY!!! OH JOY!!!

Oh, and they aren't 'grainy and spongy' like the RE said at the clinic where I participated in the clinical trial. Screw you Chicago clinic!!! Poo on you for your mean spirited comments about my eggs. Poo!! My eggs ROCK! :-)

(That felt good! This IVF cycle was worth it just for the simple fact that this batch of eggs aren't grainy and spongy)

So here's the deal. We're going in tomorrow and if all 6 are still looking good, we're going to transfer 2 and freeze 4. While I believe wholeheartedly in science and statistics, they should only be used as very good guidelines rather than dogma. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. And my gut is telling me that if we have enough, let's transfer 2 tomorrow. Even though my progesterone is high and my clinic has never had a pregnancy with a progesterone as high as mine on trigger day, I feel like we have enough embryos today to give it a go. And I have to go w/ my gut on this one.

So we may or may not transfer tomorrow. But for now, we have some embabies! Hooray!!!

Retrieval Update

2011-01-26T14:11:00.001-06:00

Just a quick update after my retrieval. I'm back at home, just woke up from a groggy post-propofol (drug used for conscious sedation for Egg Retrieval) nap and am feeling a bit more at peace. My deepest fears didn't come true today. We did actually get some eggs... 14 in fact! So I'm cautiously optimistic.

Now the brutal 24 hours of waiting to hear if any were mature and fertilized comes. Hoping for a few good ones.

Thank you all for helping to hold me up these past few days. It means the world to me. Its been an emotionally messy ride, but I have been able to find some calmness for now (or at least the propofol is still having a mild effect.. LOL!)

I'll post more tomorrow about the fertilization report and our next steps.

Fear Eats

2011-01-25T12:42:00.001-06:00

Fear is eating away at my sanity today...

I hardly slept last night. I feel edgy and anxious today. I'm so worried that when I come out of my la-la land haze tomorrow after the egg retrieval, my sweet RE is going to look at me with her sad eyes and say all of my eggs are crap... that they are spongy and grainy and they just disintegrated upon removal... and with that our last chance will be over and done with. I'm also fearful that the trigger shot that I took at 10:30 last night did nothing and none of my eggs will mature and all of this money and time and emotion will be wasted.

Fear sucks.

I wish I was a naive first time IVFer right now, without all of the medical knowledge I have, without 3 failed IVF cycles under my belt, with out gun-shy ovaries after IVF#3 debacle.

I think this just confirms why most infertility vets don't typically go through this many IVF cycle. With each one, knowledge of what can go wrong increases and worry takes hold.

Yes, I'm doing my meditations and I'm at work trying to keep my mind occupied, but one can't just get rid of the deep seated feelings they have that impending doom is coming. Its innate in me. I've been through just about 4 years of failed cycles, and with each new hope, some other new news comes that takes the hope away.

I'm sorry if this is coming off as total debbie-downer (love that phrase!) but Its just how I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out of my system. I think I'll start to focus on a big fat martini that I plan to have on Friday night.. or maybe 10.

Deep Freeze

2011-01-24T15:50:00.002-06:00

Its been brutally cold here lately. Much of the last few days have been spent in single digit temps and the evenings are even worse. I think the weather is trying to tell me something...

I went to my monitoring appointment yesterday morning and before we took any blood levels, my RE said she wanted to cry! She was so happy with my ovaries progress.They looked awesome on the ultrasound screen. Both look something like this:

That's a picture of one ovary with multiple eggs growing, one in each of the follicles (Thank you Advanced Fertility Centers of Chicago for the picture)You can't see the eggs, but you can see about 10 or so follicles. I've got about 16 total between both ovaries. Its a good number for my age.

The problem is the quality of each egg in there. Basically my hormones aren't balanced quite right (as shown by a high progesterone reading before ovulation and too low of an estrogen number for the amount of follicles in there). Progesterone should be under 1.5 and mine is at 3.2 and I won't even begin to describe the Estrogen.. but lets just say its not stellar. We're not sure if this happens in a natural cycle or if it happens just when I'm on this many IVF drugs. Regardless of why it happens, the fact that it happens puts me in a group of women who typically have lower pregnancy rates... UGH...

And again, this isn't new information, as it happened with IVF #1 and #2, but its just one of those imperfections in one's body that really pisses ya off, ya know? I have such a hard time when I don't do something right. Its definitely one of my personality flaws. I need reassurance and I need to do things right and if I don't do them right, I tend to want to re-do it until we get it as perfect as possible. And then I need more reassurance that I've finally done it right and perfect. But I know with IVF that we just don't have the money or the time to keep pissing away dollars on end to find the perfect egg. AND sometimes I just need to accept my imperfections and focus on the good and what I already do well.

So it looks like the best way through this mess of a hormone parade is to go ahead with retrieval and then do a 'freeze-all' where they take any of the fertilized embryos on day 1 and freeze them. Then we do a frozen embryo transfer next month when they can control my hormone levels better, as I alluded to in my last post.

And after a few days of thinking about this, I'm ok with it. No, we won't get to transfer fresh embryos and yes, our chances decline a bit because of that, but if my uterus isn't in a receptive place, then what's the use of wasting perfectly good embryos on a hostile place, right? And this IS DEFINITELY our last IVF cycle. I'm done with this process. I'm over it. NO MORE. I've done my best, and even without perfection, I have to accept that this is the best we could do...

Therefore, I think choices should be made to increase our odds, and thus my potential embryos will be put in the "deep freeze" for a month whilee we get my hormone levels right with out trying to grow a crap ton of eggs. I sure hope that we have enough in there to work with this time.

After doing one last night of stims yesterday, I went to the RE today for one final ultrasound and bloodwork and we're ready to go. Trigger tonight at 10:30pm which puts me at a retrieval on Wednesday morning. Hoping for at least a few good quality eggs in there. COME ON UNIVERSE! THIS IS MY LAST ONE!! Please give me something to work with.

I Thought I Told You to Stop Thinking!

2011-01-21T08:46:00.003-06:00

(A quick aside before I get to my blog post: HAPPY ICLW! I can't believe how quickly these months are passing. Welcome to new readers. You'll see a few tabs at the top of my blog to learn a bit about me. I'm so glad you're here :-) )

In my last post, I decided to stop thinking and just do.

Easier said than done.

I had my monitoring appointment yesterday, after 6 days of stims. This are going well from the follicle side. I have about 12 measurable follicles and a few more unmeasurable ones. However, as soon as I saw those girls on the ultrasound monitor, I could see that things weren't ideal. Some of the follicles were a bit bigger than we had expected them to be at this point, which means that potentially my progesterone might start to increase before we wanted it to. The size of the follicles doesn't necessarily determine this, but my history does.

You see, with IVF #1& 2, I had premature lutenization. A big scary word that manifests in progesterone rising too soon before retrieval of the eggs. To boil it down to lay-mans terms, when progesterone starts to increase too soon in one's cycle, it causes the uterine lining to be less receptive to the embryo and decreases pregnancy rates. It's potentially also a precursor to ovarian failure. I've found conflicting viewpoints on this topic. It seems that some RE's concern themselves with progesterone levels as an IVF cycler nears trigger and retrieval, and others don't. My RE's have actually written and published articles on it, and so, yes, they do concern themselves.

So I have to go back in on Sunday for a check on the growth of the follicles and my progesterone and estrogen levels. Based on those, we will either trigger that day for a retrieval on Tuesday or stim for a day or two more.

One of the ways to overcome this uterine receptivity issue is to do what's called a 'freeze-all'... so we'll get the eggs out of me, fertilize them with B's swimmers and then freeze all of the embryos and wait to transfer them until the next cycle where we can line up my progesterone levels accordingly. This is easy to do in a frozen cycle since I'm taking a drug to stop me from growing any follicles/eggs, and therefore no progesterone production that we can't control.

So that's an easy fix...but now I'm just a mess in my head. I wish there was a clear cut answer as to what to do and I so wish that for once my progesterone would just stay put. But I know that I can't control that, so I'm going to have to try to control my busy head. I'm waking up in the morning swirling with thoughts of what ifs and should haves. Man, I wish this was easier. I wish that my ovaries just sucked and didn't produce any eggs. I probably would have given up on my body by now and have moved on to another option and be either happily pregnant with a donor embryo or be working towards adoption. Instead, the fact that I have a lot of eggs makes me continue down this path of my own genetics, searching for a needle in a haystack. UGH!!!

So now all I can do is think.... what if we stim too long and my egg quality sucks. What if my progesterone is too high on Sunday at my next monitoring appointment and we miss the chance to transfer a fresh embryo? Our success rate automatically decreases. What if we don't have any good quality eggs to freeze if we can't transfer fresh? Why does my body do this? Should we be monitoring every day? EEEEEk!!!!!!!! My head is spinning and I need to stop!

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breath in
Breathe out

Anyone out there encounter this issue and have success??? Please tell me so?

Stop Thinking, Just Do

2011-01-17T20:18:00.001-06:00

And so the daily shots begin
And my belly begins to bruise
And I attend my ultrasounds and blood draws
And I'm wondering if I'm eating and drinking the right things
And I'm worrying if work is stressing me out and ruining my egg quality
And I'm feeling high and hopeful because my RE is so excited about my progress
And I'm feeling low and scared because, hey, this hasn't worked YET, so why should it now?
Dear Baby... will you please please decide to finally join us? I really really want this to be the last time.
-------------------------

After 3 days of shots, my ovaries are responding well. Thank you, thank you, oh young ovaries! You surprise me after my last cycle and prognosis of 'sucky eggs'... So really, what IS wrong with me??? Why has this not worked yet? We've spent 4 years with really no, true answer...

My RE came in this morning to my monitoring appointment with a chipper look on her face saying, "I'm SO glad we decided to do this! Sometimes you just have stop thinking about it and go for it." And I agreed. I'm going to stop thinking about this and just do it.

Next peak at the ovaries is on Thursday. I'll keep ya posted.

P.S. - For those of you in my "Why Shot my Stork" group, all I have to say is: Thanks to my unicorn band-aids, Joan will be attending all of my appointments with me this time...

All In

2011-01-15T09:26:00.002-06:00

First things first... my baseline ultrasound went really well! Thanks SOOO much for the prayers and good thoughts. They worked! My antral follicle count was around 20, just like with my first two IVF cycles back in 2009. So it's a go! We're "all in" as they say in Texas Hold 'em (even though I have no clue how to play that game). Last night I started my shots. I'm taking 375u gonal-f and 75u menopur. Then in about a week, we'll add the cetrotide to prevent ovulation until we're ready to trigger. And with that, I've once again entered the sisterhood of the bruised bellies.

I marvel at the human body. Infertility has made me absolutely amazed with it. It makes me wish I had gone into the medical field. Anywho, my point... With IVF#3, at my baseline ultrasound, I had just about 7 antral follicles. And I was thinking, man, my body sucks. I'm old. And just yesterday I was back on a high thinking that I'm a teenager again! (well, not quite.. but let's say late 20s). Is the antral count that variable, from month to month? Or is it simply that with IVF #3 I was not on birth control pills first. My RE thinks that when you are on BCPs, it gives your body a chance to get a few more follicles into the antral stage, all lined up and ready to go. So I guess I'm proving her theory right. Also, I checked back to IVF #1 & 2, and sure enough, about 20+ antral follicles. Go figure. Well, if nothing else, we should have a larger crop of eggs to work with this time.

Oh, also, my RE asked me how I felt about being aggressive. Her words were, "Are you ok with feeling kind of bloaty?"... So I guess we're pulling out the big guns this time. EEP! "All in"... That's our motto this time.

On a different note, it seems that where the emotional rollercoaster of this fertility journey is concerned, apparently I'm on a very different one than B.

B and I went out to dinner on Thursday night. As we sat at the bar, me sipping my last big glass of wine for a while, hopefully 9 months, B expressed how excited he was about our upcoming IVF cycle and how he just knows that it's going to work. Now I've suspected that he's felt this way for a while based on a few little comments he's made and the shine in his eye when we talk about it, but I'm not sure I really understood how hopeful and excited he is until that dinner.

It almost reminds me of how I felt when we started our first IVF cycle, almost 2 years ago. But what I realized is that I just can't get there. I can't get all giddy and excited and "up" about this being it, the final step. Its just too hard. This isn't to say that I'm not hopeful. In fact, I was the one that wanted to do this with my body, one... last... time... B was somewhat ready to move on to a different route. I was the one who convinced him that I needed closure with my body before we move on.

And yet here I sit, somewhat numb (albeit a bit more excited now that I have 20 antrals instead of 7...), and he's the giddy one. Strange.

But maybe not. Maybe its just is a good example of how no two people can experience an event (or journey in this case) in the exact same manner. I really want to control his emotions and have him not hurt if this doesn't work, but I can't. I have to let him walk through this the way he needs to, not the way I need him to.

And so, as our roller coasters are starting off on the path of IVF once again, it looks like B's car is already higher than mine... I wonder if I'll catch up.

Think Antral Thoughts

2011-01-13T18:27:00.000-06:00

I have a few posts stirring in my head and hope to spend this upcoming weekend with NO PLANS (whee!!!) getting a few written out.

In the meantime, just wanted to update you all that yesterday was my last day on those evil BCPs (birth control pills for those of you who don't know the lingo. One day, I promise I'll get a glossary page up). I go in tomorrow morning for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. If all goes well, I could be sticking myself in the belly with multiple shots tomorrow night. Yippee!!! (that's a little serious and a lot sarcastic)

Also, if you believe in the power of prayer or group thought, please send some my ovaries' way so that they show a nice big crop of antral follicles in tomorrow's ultrasound. Come on ovaries! Remember, this is our last shot... so let's make it a good one.

Two Utterances

2011-01-04T13:16:00.000-06:00

UGH!- 95 (a bit exaggerated) pregnant bellies passed my sight at lunch today

OUCH! - just ordered most of my meds for my next cycle $$$

What's In a Dream?

2011-01-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

B and I woke up Monday morning both from a tossy and turny night of restless sleep... and some strange-ass dreams. Maybe because we were anxious about going back to work after a week and half off, or maybe because we are now super close to starting shots for IVF #4... January 1, AF showed and thus the BCPs start. (Ps... I hate BCPs worse than I do Lupron... Hopefully I'm not too much of a monster).

So here's what I awoke from that morning.

I arrived in Abu Dhabi and was heading to my hotel room. Not really sure why I was there. In order to get to the hotel room, I had to climb some steep ladder-like stairs and fit through a small half doorway of a clay type building. At the doorway was a little old lady wrapped in some head scarves welcoming me. I'm not sure if I found her scary or sweet.

Somehow I fit through the doorway and entered the hotel room. It was a really large space with a middle common room and a kitchenette with a window looking outside. Around this space were about 5 or so bedrooms. I was faced with choosing which bed I would be staying in. I was also waiting for my sister to arrive, so I wanted to find a bed for her. Also there were a few old college roommates.

I was struggling to make a decision on which room/bed to take. Each room was a bit wrong for me and I couldn't figure out where my sister would sleep too. As the dream progressed, the large room kept filling up with more people, most of which seemed like they were getting ready for some kind of party, to be thrown there in the room. And they were claiming their own bed spaces. And I started to get really anxious. Where was I going to sleep? Where was I going to find a quiet space of my own? And I didn't want there to be a party! I just wanted some rest and peace.

So I decided to take a bed in the room that was set up for kids. In the room, there were 2 little blond headed children, 1 boy and 1 girl, although I can't seem to remember their faces. There were smaller beds for them and they were each playing in the room at the time. There were also a few adult sized beds and I was trying to ask them if it would be ok if I slept in the room with them. The little girl seemed excited but I don't really remember what the boy had to say about it. I started to feel a sense of calm coming on because I found a quiet place that I was going to be able to sleep and I was exicted to lay down next to this sweet little girl and hear her sleep later that evening...

And then the dream fades out and I'm not sure what else happened... and I woke up and asked B if he had strange dreames and told him that 'my head is f-ed up!"

He proceeded to tell me about a snippit of his strange dream, where there were beer bottles, but they were also representing kids, and he had to choose which ones to pick... I don't even know where to begin with that one, or do I? :-)

So yesterday, I was chatting with M about my dream for a bit and we agreed there was some crazy symbolism going on there... M's also on her own fertility journey. Go visit her! Her blog rocks. Oh, she's also a therapist, so I like to pick her brain now and then. Anyways, our conversation prompted me to look some things up in an online dream dictionary. Here's some of the interesting things I found:

stairs - To dream you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress in your spiritual, emotional or material journey.
door - To dream you are entering through a door signifies new opportunities that are presented before you. You are intereing into a new stage in your life and moving from one level of consciousness to another. If the door opens to the inside, it denotes your desire for inner exploration and self-discovery.
bed- To dream you are searching for a bed suggests you are looking for domestic security/happiness
children - There's just way too much out there on seeing children in a dream that I don't even know where to begin, so I think the best is just to state the obvious... I WANT CHILDREN! AND I WANT THEM NOW! They also seem to represent the fact that I need to take time off to cater to MY inner child, which I obviously don't do enough of.
hotel - To see a hotel in your dream signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape your daily life.

As for Abu Dhabi, I think that was in my dream because a friend of my sisters is spending time over there for a month. I have no real other reason why that would pop into my head. The mind really is a strange place, huh?

So, what do ya think? Any good dream analyzers out there?

Up in Flames

2011-01-01T20:15:00.001-06:00

We may have found ourselves a new ritual to ring in the New Year. As I said in my last entry, B and I decided to spend the last few days of 2010 at my parents' cabin. We hiked, read books, napped, drank some yummy beer and mostly detached from the real world for a few days. We intended to do some cross country skiing too, but the snow melted. I wish the weather would figure out what it wants to do with itself. I really do love winter and would prefer there be snow on the ground if its going to be so cold. Somehow it makes the cold more tolerable.

Anyways, we had a brilliant idea, albeit not original, to write down the things we wanted to let go of from 2010.

And then we made a beautiful fire in the fireplace and tossed the list into the flames. With that, we hope to put the anxiety, depression, jealousy, fear and dissapointments of 2010 to rest. We said good-bye to the following information searching and efforts towards our baby:

exploratory laparoscopy
10+ vials of blood taken to test for various blood and immune disorders
drives to and from Chicago in the same day to participate in an IVF clincal trial
a failed IVF clinical trial, not only failed, but horrendus day of transfer
nasty nasty chinese herbal tea, boiled, strained, choked down
another SHG
acupuncture with two different acupuncturists
an amazing amount of supplements

And hopefully we said good by to our last year of being without a child....

(oh, and yes, I finally downloaded the hipstamatic app for my iphone)

Thank you B for helping me through 2010. It wasn't an easy one, but you made it as easy as it could be. I love you with all of my heart and I hope and pray that 2011 brings us our baby, because I don't want to repeat another year like the last few.

Putting 2010 to Rest

2010-12-29T08:28:00.000-06:00

B and I are heading up north to my P's cabin for the remainder of 2010. Its a peaceful place to sit and do pretty much nothing except hike, cross country ski, sit by the fire, drink yummy beer and sleep. I'm looking forward to a little quiet time after the holidays and a peaceful entry into 2011.

When I return, it will be just about a year since I started this blog. I'm sure I'll have some reflections to share and hope of the new year. So, with out further ado, I wish you all a happy new year and I'll catch ya on the flip side...

Fragile

2010-12-28T17:04:00.002-06:00

N is a part of my support group and has become a dear friend. She's been through the infertility ringer like many of us veterans: IUIs, IVF, OHSS, multiple transfers, first trimester miscarriage.... But somehow she remains strong and carries on with us, thinking of next steps, as we all do, on our goal to parenthood.

About 9 months ago, N announced to our group that her younger sister was pregnant is her first child. And while she was anxious about how she might feel over the course of the next 9 months, it turned out that she grew happier and happier for her. I was so impressed with her selflessness during this time. I'm not sure I would have had the grace to be so happy.

Last week, on the day her sister went into labor, N sent me a text with such a happiness that her sister was about to give birth. She was giddy with anticipation. She even told me that her sister, while in the middle of labor pains, was asking N if SHE was doing ok and handling this well. And when she gave birth, N beamed with love and happiness for her new, beautiful, healthy nephew and the sweet consideration of her feelings by her sister.

But then 3 days later, I got a phone call from N that I wish never had to happen. It was a day before the holiday. I was at work. I saw the phone ring from her an I picked it up... and before I could say anything other than hello, a painfully shattered and terrified voice cried into the phone, "HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE! THEY TRIED EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO SAVE HIM AND THEY COULDN'T! HE'S GONE"

An imperfection, no reason, just awful, painful, gut-wrenching randomness.

And as sudden as this baby boy was brought into the world, he was taken, ripped away from the the family that so longed for him. And forever, N and her family are wounded deeper than they've ever been before.

And I cried for her, there in my office.

The thing is, even if we achieve the first steps of what we have been so aching for on our own baby quests, pregnancy does not guarantee a baby. Delivering a baby doesn't even guarantee you get to spend your lifetime with that child. And I know that might be an obvious statement to many of you, but this experience brutally reminded me of that.

When I got that call, I felt for a few moments in time, a rip through the gingerly held together fabric of my life, the fabric that keeps me sane and in reality and moving forward. I can only imagine what N felt and still feels, let alone her sister and husband. Their fabric has been ripped wide open, shredded, and taken away... and my heart bleeds for them and hopes that they can eventually find a way to pick up those pieces and repair the holes...

Life is fragile.

We. Only. Have. Now.

ICLW Welcome and the Holidays

2010-12-22T08:48:00.002-06:00

Hello fellow ICLW'ers and welcome to my little corner in the infertility blogosphere. I'm happy you stopped by!

Currently, we're getting ready to start IVF#4 in the middle of January. Our story can be found here (or in tab at the top titled "Our Journey"). Its been almost 4 years since we've started trying to conceive.

Today, I'm just trying to find some peace and strength to get through yet another holiday season with no baby on the way or in my arms. I actually think I'm mildly depressed (I suppose many of us are that experience this). I didn't even decorate the house this year or participate in any of my family's gift exchanges. If I'm not keeping myself busy with work and take time to pause, I get sad and anxious. And the holidays don't help that. I know its not the holiday's fault, but I think it they mark the passage of time, and you start to realize how long you've been at this, with no end in sight.

We are however lucky in the sense that we don't have any nieces or nephews on my or B's side, so we don't have to spend the holidays with a bunch of infants and toddlers. I am however starting to get anxious about that happening in the near future as others in our family are getting married or starting to talk about baby-making. For now, I'm going to pretend that none of that is happening, even though I know the chance is there for me to find out a sibling or an inlaw is pregnant before we are... and that's going to be a hard slap in the face. I know its not a race, but I will just be a reminder of something we continually fail at.

Speaking of reminders, I don't really even want to open all of the beautiful holiday cards from my friends. I cherish that my friends send them to me and would be sad if they stopped, but sometimes its hard to take, to see that whole stack of families with their beautiful babies staring at me. I feel like they are laughing in a way... mocking me for the joy that lives in their lives and not in ours.

Yes, I know.. the goal here is to learn how to be present and find joy in what you do have, but the holidays have made it a lot harder for me to do that these past few years.

Well, I just wanted to say hello to you joining me for ICLW and thanks for stopping by! I'd love for you to follow me too, so join up! And mostly, I wish you all peace and happiness through this holiday season.

A Single Teardrop

2010-12-17T21:02:00.000-06:00

I treated myself to a massage for my birthday last month. The masseuse asked me why my body was in such knots. I told her we were struggling to conceive and that we had just failed our 3rd IVF cycle. She was glad that I came in. My body needed work, but she thought my heart could help with some healing too. She told me I should come to her for some reiki.

Now I knew about reiki and I've actually had a little done here and there, but only for a few minutes while getting a massage. So I was a little apprehensive of scheduling a full hour of someone placing their hands on my body with out really doing anything else other than that, quietly. Awkward, huh?.. But I decided my heart could use some healing, so I took her up on it.

And I'm glad I did.

I walked in the same room I had been in a few weeks prior for my massage. We talked about setting an intention of letting go and finding peace. And then it began. I got up on the table, and laid on my back as she placed her hands my upper chest and I tried to quiet my mind.

Its hard to quiet ones mind. I've dabbled in meditation here and there and have at times felt pretty good at being able to at least quiet my mind when I get anxious, but often when I am quiet, my mind just wanders. And this was no different. My mind bounced here and there and everywhere in the beginning...

Here's a few snippets:

"The music she has on is nice"
"I hope that I don't fall asleep"
"I wonder what causes her to make those noises with her breath"
"I'm hungry"
"It's my Friday off. I LOVE having my Fridays off. I can't wait for my yoga class later and then a big glass of wine. Should I skip my yoga class and just go straight for the wine?"
"Hmmm... I am feeling a bit more relaxed... kind of like when I go to acupuncture"
"I wonder if I could learn how to do this? I feel like I have an intuition to calm people. Is that what it takes?"
"I could try this on B when he's anxious and can't sleep."
"I wonder if this could work on the puppy!"

And then, all of a sudden, my monkey brain quieted and focused, not by my own doing, but by some other force. It was like a fuzzy lens that was moving in and out and all around, just simply stopped focused...

...and into focus came an image of my baby, a few years down the road. It was a girl. And she placed her hands on ME. And she looked up at me and a clear, calm thought came into my head.

"My baby will heal me... my baby will heal me"

...and a single teardrop dripped down the outside of my left eye, down my cheek...

...and I felt calm and peaceful and clear of the past and confident and hopeful of the future knowing that my baby hasn't stopped its journey to me. My baby is STILL coming... as fast as my baby can...

Releasing it to the Universe

2010-12-09T21:40:00.004-06:00

We've had many heavy conversations about our next steps over these past few weeks, debating moving on to donor eggs, or trying one final IVF cycle with my body before moving on to a new option.

There have been moments where I am searching through donor profiles thinking if I could just let go of certain traits, for example, blond hair, or height, maybe this could work. The promise of such high success rates and the hope of feeling a baby grow in my belly is so attractive!

But I was also recently standing in the kitchen one night, during a pause in cooking dinner, with my back to the stove, looking straight at B, holding a towel in one hand and a spatula in the other, sobbing those heaving heavy tears..."I'm NOT ready to give up on my eggs! Not yet. I like me! I want "my" baby. I need closure and I don't have that yet"

Back and forth, around and around, letting it stir in my head, in my dreams, consuming and devouring my thoughts and energy...

And then last Sunday, we had brunch at our favorite Indian buffet with our good friends. I don't think the conversation was very baby focused, and in fact I'm having trouble actually recalling much of what was said. But on our way back home in the car, during a pause in conversation, I looked at B and calmly said, "Can we try one... last... time?"

And he decidedly confirmed, "Yes"

And so, with that, and a quiet release of the heaviness, our decision has been made.

One. Last. Time.....

Did you hear me, universe?

One.

Last.

Time.

My First Award - Cherries!

2010-12-07T21:18:00.001-06:00

Yeah! I got my first blogger award! My friend KC over at "You wouldn't even make an omelet with these stale eggs" gave this to me. Thanks KC! I'm happy that you chose me as a beautiful blogger with that little bit extra ;-) Now I need to pass on the love...

Here are the rules to the blog award:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five or more other bloggers
3. Leave a comment telling them about the award

I have so many blogs I love to follow so it was hard to choose. But I decided to recognize the following bloggers as they have recently made me feel like I'm not alone in this. Thank you all!

Running Mamma at "More Room in my Heart"
Saige at "Return to Innocence"
Sara at "The Rocky Road to Motherhood"
Baby Bump Bound at "Waiting for a Baby Bump"
CGD at "Adventures in Infertility Land"

My Brain

2010-12-04T09:22:00.002-06:00

I'm still wading in my emotions right now and I want to come out. I want to be free of this journey but the only way to be free is to keep going through. But its really thick right now... and heavy. Its like a muddy sloppy trek through a thick dark forest and I can't see the end and I'm carrying a big pack filled with my gear that makes each step a struggle. The gear I carry with me is all the research I've done, all the statistics and protocol variations, all of the what ifs of cycles past and donor eggs of the future, all of the money spent and the knowledge of the money to be spent.

This journey can suck the life out of you if you let it. Many of us who are multiple IVFers have found ourselves here, with a new set of sadness and struggles. We're past that point of the initial infertility shock and loss and failure. We're the veterans, the ones who's hope fades from time to time, who are past that shining star of the promise of their first or even second IVF.

I'm not saying our pain is any more than the pain of those who are successful on their first IVF cycle, let alone their first IUI, but I'm just saying we're at a different point in this journey.... Considering 4th, 5th IVF cycles, donor eggs, adoptions...

I think its different because we have to face the real possibility that we will never see our own biological child. (And I do know some face this without even attempting IVF... so please don't take this as anything other than one experience/perspective). That was not in view with my first IVF cycle 2 years ago, even our second... But now, its real. Its SO real that it hurts like hell. I've grieved that I can't conceive a baby the natural way, that I've made peace with. But now I'm grieving the possible loss of my genetic child.

It makes me wonder how many of us are there? What percent of people make it this far? What percent are successful with their first IVF or with their first IUI? Am I the norm or am I the exception?

Anyways, B and I spent a half hour at our clinic last night looking through donor egg profiles. It was a heavy night. It didn't feel right yet. It felt sad and strange and somewhat wrong. So I think that just confirms I'm not ready to make decisions yet.

We did however, lay out all the options the other night and here's what came out as when I tried to organize the mess in my brain. Remember those old anti-drug commercials with the scrambled egg in a frying pan saying "This is your brain on drugs", well...

This is your brain on infertility:

For the math geeks in the audience, I even calculated the probability weighted cost for each option (not pictured)

Ramblings

2010-11-30T21:34:00.001-06:00

First, I wanted to say THANK YOU! I have more than 50 followers! Yippee! Thanks for following my story. It really means a lot to me. And so do all of your comments. I love the blogging world for the community it has built for those of us walking this path. It helps me realize that I am not alone and that there are others out there who have walked this path before and have succeeded. And it gives me strength to keep walking and hoping that one day my dream will come true, in some form. So thank you, deeply from my heart. I hope that I have been able to support you as well.

Next goal... 75! or shoot, should I try for 100???

Secondly, thanks so much for helping me decide which blog post to enter into the Creme de la Creme contest. I asked you for your help last week and the clear winner for my entry is "The Hot Pink Paperweight". Wish me luck!

Ok, so where are we with our next steps, you ask? I'm still not sure. All I know is that I need to make a decision because this limbo is eating away at me. I feel anxious, I'm not sleeping well and I feel like I could scream at most everyone who is in my way or does something that irritates me just a little bit.

For the last week or so, we've been heavily weighing our options. They mostly come down to either trying one last time with my body or moving on to donor eggs. We've considered adoption and its just not a door we want to open at this time. But as I consider these options, I get a little voice in my head that still doesn't believe that I'm here... I still don't believe that we've been at this for almost 4 years, that we've tried multiple IUIs, IVF, diet changes, immune testing, exploratory laparoscopy, yoga, acupuncture, 'not trying', 'relaxing' (and PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX)... And nothing has worked.

And so we are still here, still trying. But the tables have turned on us. No longer do we fit into the group that has a high likelihood of IVF working. We are now in that group of, "Yeah, you could give it another try, but a better bet with your money is adoption or donor eggs"... I'm sure like others of you who have been give the same talk, there's a part of you that is in shock, hurt, deflated, and then there's another part of you that just turns to stone, and doesn't believe, and doesn't understand really what this means.

And when you finally do get a small glimpse in your head of what this means, that this could mean that we aren't going to end up with a full genetically linked child, that we are going to have to grieve that loss and figure out how too and who to tell... well, I guess I can't just expect myself to make a decision and be happy with it. Either way, it sucks.

On one hand, we can try one last time with my body, but statistically we'd be throwing away a lot of $$ that we could be using towards the donor eggs or adoption. On the other hand, I don't want to regret not giving it one last shot, with a protocol that would be tailored to MY body and not a clinical trial protocol (like my last study), and with other methods that might help the potential immune issues as well... one... last.... try...

Anyways, I'm rambling, but it is a true picture of what is going on in my head. I only hope that I can sort it out soon and find my way back to peace.

One Good Egg

2010-11-23T09:45:00.002-06:00

The first month or so after a failed IVF cycle are filled with so many emotions and thoughts racing through my head that they really clog up my ability to find peace. I'm constantly battling in my head between next steps. Should we try one last time with my eggs? Should we look more into donor eggs? Or should we adopt?

These I guess are my new options. After my WTF appointment with the study doctor (RE #5), I had all of my records sent to my doctor here in town (RE #2 - IVF #1&2.. and who we'd go back to if we tried more). She's fantastic. I really like the way she communicates and thinks about these things. She's smart, knows the research well, lets me give her my thoughts on the research and she's honest. I had a follow up with her last Friday. We sat and talked for about a half hour about her thoughts. She said that while it is likely the protocol wasn't good for my body, and potentially it could have just been an off month for me, when the embryologist in the study mentioned that my eggs were 'spongy and grainy', it confirmed her thoughts as to why my first 2 IVF cycles failed. Once again... sucky eggs. Everything else looks just about perfect for my age, except my egg quality.

She would agree to try one last time with my eggs, but the chances of success, from her opinion are only 5%. FIVE.... PERCENT!

Shit.

I've now entered into a whole new world. A whole new thing to have to grieve and figure out how to process and come to terms with.

On the brighter side, she said, donor eggs would yield about a 70% chance of success, which is very attractive, but we're not there yet. I've spent a few hours here and there over the past few weeks researching donor eggs, as it's never been on my radar before. Now that it is, I need to understand it before we can make a decision if this or adoption is the next best step for us.

So far, I've found the donor egg world is just SO overwhelming (granted so is adoption, but we've looked into that already somewhat and so are comfortable with that... to the extent we can be). I've found myself this past week looking at all sorts of people I pass at work, or in the grocery store, or at the gas station... worrying about, what if we pick a donor, and our baby looks like THAT! Or what if our baby is ugly and I don't love it. I know these might seem like irrational fears to some of you, they also might seem very bitchy, but I assure you if you were in this situation, the first time you even let this idea of donor eggs enter your head, you'd go through the same thoughts. I know there are a lot of positives to this choice too, but I'm not there right now.

Currently, today, I'm really attached to my hair and my legs (figuratively AND literally ;-) ) They are two of my favorite traits and I really wanted to be able to pass those along to my child. Again, while this is not important in the whole scheme of things its something little that I'll have to let go of. Is this selfish? I don't even know. I'm so confused internally right now with the feelings I'm having. Is it important enough for me to possibly experience pregnancy and carry my child to do this? What about the donor, what responsibilities do I have to her? And then all the fears of, should this be the option we choose, and should it work, how do you tell your child and when and what will they think and ....?

My brain is spinning and I'm still trying to figure out a way in my head to do one last cycle with my body, even though logically, financially this doesn't make sense. But I'm an addict in some way. I think many of us who go through multiple IVF cycle are. We're addicted to the hope of maybe... just maybe... we'll find that one good egg. And our dreams will come true.

I Need Your Help!

2010-11-20T21:02:00.003-06:00

I'm going to enter the 'Creme de la Creme' contest that Stirrup Queens hosts every year. The idea behind the contest is to enter my best blog post into the pool of posts written by all of the wonderful bloggers in this infertility/pregnancy blogosphere. If you didn't take time to read the 'Creme de la Creme' link above, it is, in short, a yearly award to honor moving, inspiring writing.

If you spend some time browsing through this world, you will realize how while we may not all have been writers at the beginning of this journey, something tragic has brought out this creative side. For me, I've really found a new part of myself that I'm really enjoying exploring, along with some great therapeutic writing.

So, this is where you come in!!! I need your feedback so you can help me decide which post to enter.

Here's a few of my favorites you can look at (yeah, there's a lot, as I looked through them I couldn't decide), or if you have another one that I didn't choose, please tell me.

Please leave your vote in the poll on the left sidebar by December 1st so I can meet the deadline to entry. I'd really appreciate your feedback. Thanks!

Reminder to Self

2010-11-17T13:39:00.001-06:00

Even though you are down,
Even though you feel like you are never going to achieve the family in the way you so desire,
Even though many days you want to just sit in bed with your dog and cry and sleep... (or drink ;) )

You are still able to find joy in other parts of your life
You enjoy being around other people
You can still make people laugh
You get excited about new challenges
Sometimes you even feel smart and can solve problems

Remember these joys on those dark days
Remember these fleeting moments of contentment and peace

And hold onto those feelings when you need them most
And know that the sadness will pass and joy will return

Quantity vs Quality

2010-11-16T15:46:00.002-06:00

Up until this week, because I didn't think it pertained to me, I had never really paid too much attention to the differences among the following words, describing conditions I didn't think I had: Premature Ovarian Failure, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, Poor Egg Quality.... What do they all mean? And what pertains to me? Here's a great link that explains the difference between Egg Quality vs Egg Quantity (POF, DOR). And now I guess its something I need to understand...

you see...

I had my "WTF" appointment at the end of last week with the RE who ran the study I participated in. He was nice and cordial but he told me pretty much everything I already knew after researching all last week about the drama that was my last IVF cycle. Basically, not only are my ovaries starting to fail (ie, Egg Quantity is diminishing) but ALSO, my Egg Quality is sucky. I think that I must have a lot more red dots than green dots (this makes sense if you read the link).

So now we have a real diagnosis, I guess, .... sucky eggs. My eggs are old. My eggs are too ripe. My eggs have rapidly declined from my first IVF cycle way back in the spring of 2009 when I got beautiful day 5 blasts with some to freeze... And only about 1.5 years later, I can't even make 2 eggs that mature and develop normally by day 3. Does this really happen that fast? Really? Part of me doesn't really believe it, but the other logical part of me says, maybe this is just something I need to accept and have as finally a true answer to our almost 4 years of infertility. Sucky eggs.... Suck.

But there's nothing that I could have done about it, right? I mean, maybe, but really, not a lot. Can I blame the intoxicating substances in college? Can I blame the environmental toxins we live in and ingest on a daily basis? Can I blame the stress of an unpredictable childhood (no need to divulge those family secrets...maybe someday if you're lucky ;-) ... Am I the 'canary in the coalmine' for what we are doing to our planet? Or is this just a random act of nature that has no real reason other than that some of us get good eggs, and some of not so much...?

I guess right now I'm ok with out a solid 'why' answer, or something to blame. I guess I'm finding more comfort in thinking that there's nothing that I could have done to prevent this, other than possibly trying to start our family earlier.

But I refuse to go down that path. I refuse to do the 'should have' dance. I refuse to make this about my fault.

Do I wish that I would have thought more about my fertility ages ago? Yes
Do I think that I would have listened to anyone trying to tell me that my egg quality declines as I get older? No

So now we have to sit with this new information and figure out what it means to us and our next steps, because we're not done.... oh no... I refuse to live a childless life! I will be a mother and I am NOT going to take this lying down...

(Although I wish I could have gone about being a mother that way... Yes... I went there)

We have another consult with my RE here in town on Friday to get another perspective. If anyone has stories of hope, please feel free to share. I'm struggling to find hope right now, even though I'm trying to be strong.

Birthday Musings

2010-11-05T11:12:00.002-05:00

Today's my birthday. 36.

I'm not sure how I feel about that number.

Yesterday I woke up and thought to myself, "Crap. Tomorrow I'll be 36. Crap. I'll be 36, my house is half unfinished, I have no savings account and I have no children." Not exactly where I wanted to be.

Birthdays are hard in the infertility world, as well as holidays, which are also just around the corner. They mark the passage of time and remind us that once again, one year later, we're still climbing this mountain, and the top doesn't seem to be getting any closer. They remind of us the lost time that we could have had to be raising our children and seeing the world through their eyes. They remind us of the due dates and what if's of failed cycles past.

But as I am reminded by many friends and family who know of our struggle, birthdays are also a time to reflect on the good and beauty we do have in our lives. In that vein, here are a few special things that have happened to me this week.

First, I received a beautiful prayer shawl in the mail from my friend J.

J said that she felt helpless in wanting to be able to make things better for us but has learned a lot through this blog about being a good friend and listener. (I'm so glad that this has helped my friends and family learn about this struggle! That's an amazing benefit to opening up to everyone about this). Anyways, basically the blanket represents all the hope that she has for us that our baby will come soon. When I'm feeing up or down or just need a hug, I can snuggle up in my beautiful blanket and feel all of my friends and family holding us, hoping and praying for us.

When I got the package and read the card, I fell apart... in a good way. I realized that I have a hard time accepting gifts and love from other people. I don't think I feel worthy of their effort, like, "Oh, no big deal, I'm fine! Don't worry about me." But I need to let others express their care, concern and love for me and B. And I need to learn to let it warm me and build me up and give me hope. Because this struggle is bigger than any one person can handle alone.

Secondly, another friend sent B and I a letter after he found out about our most recent failed cycle and it was seriously the nicest thing anyone has said about us. It was a heartfelt, encouraging and honest letter letting us know that no matter what shape our family takes, no matter how we get there, we are loved and we are already adding to this world in a beautiful and inspiring way. I can't do the letter justice with out reprinting it here, which I think I'll just keep between B, myself and the author, but I was simply humbled by it. No other way to put it. And yes, I feel apart, in a good way, when I read this too.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you both, and to all who have come out to comfort us recently and along the way! You brightened my days and helped me realized how much I need all of you in this.

So what do you ask does one infertile do to celebrate her 36th birthday? She takes the day off work, sleeps in late (9am!), makes a cup of (decaf) coffee in the french press with cream of course, sits in the sun on her couch with her dog and blogs. Then, she goes for an hour massage and after that, get's on a plane (and plans on buying a 7$ glass of crappy wine on the plane) with B to Washington, DC for a long weekend and a work seminar early next week.

I will find time today to revel in the good that is in my life. Thank you all for helping me see this.

P.S...If anyone has any suggestions of places to eat/visit in DC this weekend while we are there, say so! I'm kind of a food snob and B's a beer snob... just sayin'.

Close but No Cigar

2010-11-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

As election night is being analyzed on my TV, I have my own results to report.... We aren't pregnant.... anymore.

We had another chemical pregnancy, just like my first IVF cycle.

I'm really kind of numb right now and am not sure exactly why I'm not freaking out too much but I think maybe because we are already developing plans for our next steps, even though we're don't know exactly which direction to go.

Here are two things I do know:

I was pregnant this cycle. I felt it in my body and for 3 days, it was bliss. I could feel my body reacting to the embryos, accepting them and encouraging them to stay. I was thinking finally, this hellish journey is over and we can move forward and release the heaviness that hangs in the air.
There is no other person in this world who I would rather have with me in this, and that's B. He keeps me grounded but lets me mourn. He keeps me focused but lets me think out loud. He keeps me comforted but lets me sob. I love you B and we will be parents. I know we will.

Today, I don't have much to say except that I'm taking this moment by moment since my thoughts change so much and so quickly. During the day, I'm grateful to have a job that helps me focus on other things. I also feel like I have a lot of things to research and budgets to figure out and next steps to plan.

But all of that can wait for a while. Right now, I need to crawl into a hole for a few days and regain my emotional strength and peace of mind. I need to crawl into a hole and mourn the loss of my 2 little embryos and feel them watch over me. I need to crawl into a hole and find a quiet mind so I can listen to what the world has in store for me.

I truly hope that our next steps are our last. I'm getting really tired of this.

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Wait

2010-11-02T08:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't been in the two week wait of an IVF cycle since late September of last year. At that time, it was my 3rd wait. I had had one one fresh and one frozen that prior spring. This is my 4th 2ww and I know well how how my mind cycles through hope, sadness, peace and madness. But mostly, I hate that I have to go through this process.

For this post, I thought I'd collect some thoughts that go through my head during this wait so you can get a feel for the madness that is my mind during this wait. B always said that I'd never ever want to be in his head for a day, since its a scary place. But I feel like I could top his scary place right now.

Fear

I fear the decisions I will have to face if this cycle doesn't work.
I fear all of the sympathy from all of the people I know that will know that this cycle didn't work. I don't want to cry in front of them and I am uncomfortable when people feel sad for me.
I fear what all of this has done to our financial stability.
I fear B and I will not have the same thoughts on next steps if this doesn't work and it will cause us some tension.

Control

Because I can't control this outcome, I try to control other things, like every aspect of B's actions. Sorry B! You know I love you. I will try my hardest to curb my controlling "remarks".
Because I can't control this outcome, I try to control other things, like what I eat, what I do to my body and mind. I try to will those embryos in my body to continue to grow and stick around by visualizations, meditations.... Come on, Kathleen, fertiles don't need to do this to get pregnant, do you really think that it will matter for you?

Anger

I'm angry at everyone. I was in Whole ~~Paycheck~~ Foods and people were just pissing me off. They were running like chickens with their heads cut off on a Sunday afternoon trying to get their grocery shopping in for the week and bumping into me as I slowly move through the world like a zombie. And I just wanted to scream, "YOU PEOPLE ALL SUCK! YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. BE NICE TO ME!!"

Hope

I think of those 2 little embryos and just dream of the what if, what if they both stuck! I hope hope hope that we have twins!
Thank god for work. I felt like a normal person today on my first day physically back at work in 2 weeks. Not only was my mind occupied with things other than googling success rates of day 3 4-cell embryo transfers (not good btw) but they actually missed me! Flowers, and a card and a gift certificate to a resaurant I want to try. It gives me hope that I will survive a letdown because there is more in my life than just infertility.
I hope that every time I wake up in the morning I will feel something: nauesa, tender boobs, cramps, anything.... something... (alas.... nothing)

Meh

2010-10-26T21:39:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite expressions, mostly because of B. Basically anything that comes out of his mouth that sounds remotely familiar or witty is from the Simpsons. Well, he does have a lot of wit of his own too, but the Simpsons are a huge part. One of the many reasons he makes me smile and keeps me somewhat sane in all of this.

Anyways, Meh is just a perfect expression, for many reasons. It can be used in so many situations. Its the verbal equivalent of a shoulder shrug. Here's urban dictionary's take on it.

Most importantly right now, it describes how I'm feeling during this 2ww. Meh.

Meh Meh Meh Meh Meh! (said really fast) (I guess there's a bit of anger behind that one too)

I'm sure some of you might be wondering how I'm feeling. Today I'm 5dp3dt (5 days past 3 day transfer). I have no real updates on symptoms. I know this doesn't mean anything, but I still feel a small sense of impending doom.

My beta is next week... Tuesday... Meh.

2 Roses and Thank You

2010-10-23T16:02:00.003-05:00

On the day after my retrieval, this past Tuesday, as I was sitting in my parent's office working from afar, my mom came home with these 2 roses for me. They were still a bit small that day, but started to open and blossom as the days went on. That morning, I had learned we only had 3 fertilized eggs sitting in the lab and I thought to myself, man, I wish she would have gotten 3 so I could focus on them as a representation of my embryos. But maybe, somehow, subconsciously, whatever possessed her to buy these 2 roses, she knew that we would have these 2 surprise 4-cell fighters that are hopefully blossoming in me.

Today, I arrived back home in my own house after spending the last 2 weeks with my family in the city and burbs of Chicago. It was an amazing 2 weeks. I reflect on the quality time I spent with my family, especially these last few days. My parents were so involved in the drama of the last few days that I truly think they have a whole new perspective on this journey and I know it brought us closer and gave them a glimpse of what B and I have been going through these last 3.5 years.

This morning, I even shared the art project, Yad Shniyah, with them before I left and I think it really helped them truly understand how the quest for a child is SO deeply personal and affects not only the couple or person who is going through it, but also many other people in their lives.

This also made me treasure how much support and love B and I have recieved throughout this journey and specifically in these last few crazy days. So I wanted to thank you ALL (fellow bloggers, family, friends, coworkers, lurkers... ) from the bottom of my heart for helping us find strength and giving us comfort. The journey is far from over, but for now, there is at least a moment of peace, before the end of the two week wait nears.

Much love to you all!

The Last 24 Hours of My Life - SIMPLY NUTS!

2010-10-21T16:37:00.002-05:00

I"ll try to recap the ups and downs of the last 24 hours

Wednesday, October 19th
1pm - Phone call from the clinic saying my embryos suck and didn't start dividing. Probably not going to be any transfer tomorrow. Call back early in the morning tomorrow, just in case (yeah right... pipe dream)

(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)

2pm - Call B to tell him there's no need for him to come down to Chicago tonight for the transfer tomorrow because its highly unlikely it will happen

(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)
3pm - Cry to my mom. Why the hell does this have to happen? Are my eggs really that sucky? Do I have to face the music and try a different route (adoption, donor eggs ?)

(work remotely try to keep my mind occupied)

4pm - Get on the train to head downtown Chicago to meet my sister L, her husband (my BIL) and my dad for dinner before my dad and I go to the Blackhawks game. Sit in the train, looking at all of the passing towns, feeling isolated, alone, desperate but also in denial... No way are my eggs old. No way do they suck. There MUST be some explanation for this.

5pm - Sit down to dinner with L, BIL, Dad and a big margarita. Get a bit hug from L and try to not seem too down at dinner. Want to chug margaritas, but hold back on just one, because there WILL be beer at the Blackhawks game.

8pm - Blackhawks game starts. Big beer in hand, I try to focus on the game and not the tears that keep welling up in my eyes. Dad gives me some sad, comforting looks, and also tries to divert conversation to more fun things, like hockey (of which I know nothing, but try to understand). Wonder if I'll ever had my own child to do things like this with. Very dramatic. We make it through the game with only a few tears shed. They won, by the way.

11pm - Get back in the 'hoe (my dad's old Tahoe, that's still running, with almost 300K miles on it... He REALLY likes to drive his cars into the ground) and we crawl back to the burbs from the city due to the bureaucracy that is the IL DOT. 4 lanes, down to 1 lane. Wednesday night. Took us 1.5 hours to get 30 miles. NUTS! This is one certain reason I don't live in the Chicago area.

Thursday, October 21st
1am - Fall asleep

7am - Alarm goes off. Call the clinic, like a good girl, get no answer, leave a message to call me back.

8am - Call clinic again, still no answer in the lab.Call the receptionist and tell her the situation. Get put on hold. She comes back to say the embryologists are all in procedures and will call me back.

9am - Wait

10am - Based on the lack of hope I was given yesterday, I assume there's no transfer and I start packing, crying with my parents, thanking them for the last few weeks of their hospitality, love, comfort and for supporting me as we go through this. Put the dog, the big ass suitcase, and all the extra crap I carry with myself into the car and head to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a pumpkin donut. Mmmmm! I'm already starting to dream of the foods and drinks I'm going to indulge in because I'm not pregnant this month. Pizza, bottles of wine, good beer.... ah... comfort.

10:30am - Half hour west of my home town, a half hour in the opposite direction of the clinic, crying in my coffee and donut, driving and noticed I missed a call from the clinic. So I call the clinic back and they say, "Why aren't you here for your transfer?" and I say, "Because no one called me back after I tried to find out if magically my fertilized eggs started to cleave a day late." and they say, "Well, you definitely will be having a transfer today, so how soon can you get here?" and I finish with, "Hope to be there in under 2 hours".

10:40am - Call B and tell him the craziness of what is going on. Tell him I have no real information on how many or what quality my embryos are and he can just stay put in Madison and get rested (He's suffering from the flu right now or some yucky stomach bug). Call my Dad to have him meet me at an off ramp about half way to take the dog out of the car and the lasagna that my mom made for me to take back home to B. Quickly do the 'drop off' and get back on the highway for a 40min drive to the clinic.

12pm - Arrive at the clinic, pop the Valium (thank god for that! I surely needed something to help me relax after the morning I had. Oh, and btw, for those of you who aren't in the know, they typically give this to you at transfer as a muscle relaxer to help minimize your uterus from contracting when the transfer the embryos back in)

12:15pm - Get into the hospital gown. Talk with the doctor on staff at the time. Tells me we have 2 beautiful 4-cell embryos.They are a little behind in development, but they are developing, so there's hope! Cry a few tears. Walk into the transfer room. Feet up in stirrups and you know the drill (or you don't and that's fine too).

12:30pm - Get back into the car to drive to my P's. Call B and tell him we're PUPO ("Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise") and for him to just relax and not worry about being here and get some rest and try to keep some food in his belly and I'll be home Saturday morning to take care of him.

2pm - Stop at the Indian restaurant to get takeout buffet. It's been our tradition on our last 3 transfer days to go straight to the Indian buffet. This was my compromise.

3pm - Stomach full, lay on couch and start this blog entry hoping to get a little nap in.

So that about sums it up. Its been a whirlwind tour. My roller coaster ride took a hairpin turn and then went back up. I'm just still in shock and can't really believe how this even happened, but I can't dwell on it. I can just sit here, rest, relax, dream of my babies in my belly and hope to god that they decide to hang out for a while. And if there is someone out there pulling all of these strings, thank him/her for this second chance.

But p.s. I am going to miss that bottle of wine I was planning on chugging tonight ;-)

Over Before It Began

2010-10-20T13:39:00.001-05:00

Yesterday we had 3 fertlized eggs. Today they were supposed to divide into 2 cells or even 4 cells.
Today we have none. They didn't divide. They stopped.

No embryos = No transfer = Not pregnant...once again.

I'm numb, angry, pissed, frustrated, confused, broken hearted...
They are still going to make me call into the lab tomorrow to see if maybe, by miraculous chance, they begin to divide... yeah... right.

The only thing positive I can come up with is the following: At least I didn't have to pay for this, well, other than time off work, gas and emotional pain and suffering.

Fuck.

Waiting IS the Hardest Part

2010-10-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

Today, the waiting is killing me. It really IS the hardest part. That Tom petty song comes to mind. Along with the Simpson's episode where Homer is waiting for a gun. You know the one, right?

I'm waiting for a phone call from the clinic today to tell me if those 3 little embryos that were growing yesterday are still growing today and if they are, what time we will have our embryo transfer tomorrow. What if they aren't growing? What if my eggs really do suck. What if we don't get this chance?

I know, deep down in my soul that B and I will survive. We were ok before this IVF cycle and we will be ok after it, regardless of its outcome. And today, as I walked my dog this morning in the crisp fall air before sitting down to my computer at work, I felt my cloud of sadness from the past few days less than stellar results, lift just a little...It also could be the anesthesia finally wearing off ;-)

So I sit here and wait some more and focus all of my good energy on those 3 embryos and hope beyond hope that they make it back to me. I'll post something as soon as I know.

An Early Phone Call...

2010-10-19T08:25:00.000-05:00

... is never a good sign.

The nurse called and I could hear it in her voice: of the 7 eggs we retrieved yesterday, only 3 were mature. Luckily all 3 fertlilzed, but for the next 2 days I have to hope and pray that they make it to Thursday. Please let Thursday get here quickly with all of those eggs left growing!

I really do hate IVF today. I hate infertility and I hate that we're are here again. The waiting, the reporting, the lack of control. I'm finding myself in a negative sprial of despair. I hate despair.

Retrieval

2010-10-18T20:25:00.000-05:00

7

7 eggs

I'm not quite sure what to think of that right now.

I know a lot of things that could be said about this:
"Quantity over Quality"
"You only need one"
"Think positive thoughts for those eggs and hope they fertilize"
"I know a woman had way less eggs and she got pregnant"

But honestly it is a letdown. I had 18 eggs with my first IVF and 16 with my second. Granted I'm not pregnant, so that doesn't mean crap. And I was taking more meds for those cycles. (Because this cycle is a clinical trial, the protocol was fixed and so they couldn't give me more meds). But somehow I feel like this is a small defeat. I feel like its a realization that my body is older than I thought it was, reproductively. And that's a bit of an ego blow... a smack in the face... like, come on Kathleen... time's runnign out, so you'd better figure this out or give up.

Tonight I will try my hardest to get my negativity out of my mind and wake up looking forward to the next steps, knowing that I've done the best I can.

Whatever it is that you believe, please please pray/send good thoughts/energy to those eggs and sperm for a good fertilization report tomorrow!

Strangest Place I've Ever....

2010-10-18T19:41:00.001-05:00

... given myself a shot in the belly....

(Oh, you thought that I was going to give you some deep dark intimate secrete of my life before IF, when I actually had sex for fun... sorry, not today)

... so back to the story. The strangest place I've ever given myself a shot in the belly is the following:

Lyric Opera of Chicago

Upper Balcony 1

Aisle 5

Row G

Seat 21

During the last song of the 3rd Act of Carmen

October 16th, 2010 at 10:40pm

The usher wouldn't let me leave in the middle of the show and come back in, and I really didn't want to miss the last half hour after investing 3 hours of time in this beautiful piece. So, my friend with me, who is a nurse AND an fellow 'sub fertile' said, "Hell, its dark, no one will notice, just do it here"... and so, at exactly 10:40pm, I lifted my shirt just slightly to expose an inch of my belly, uncapped the shot and bam... trigger triggered. Piece of cake.

Can anyone top THAT shot story?

Trigger Day

2010-10-16T10:51:00.001-05:00

Its here. Its trigger day...

I went into the clinic to get my last of the daily blood draws and ultrasounds. If you recall, I'm participating in a phase IV clinical trial for a new IVF med. Because the study is sponsored by a drug company, I am a lucky recipient of a FREE, all expenses paid IVF cycle. And with this, I become their lab rat.

Since last Sunday, I've been into the clinic every day to get an ultrasound of my ovaries which counts the number and size of the follicles that hopefully each will contain a mature egg at retrieval. I've also become a human pin cushion as they take blood daily to measure how my hormone levels are changing and to find the optimal time to pull the trigger.

Aside: For those of you who don't know, the trigger is a shot that tells all the follicles growing to mature and get ready to ovulate. This is needed because you are taking 2 other shots in the prior days. 1 shot to grow more eggs than the usual one and another shot to stop your body from ovulating until all of the eggs get to a similar size. Then about 36 hours after the trigger shot, just before all of those eggs would ovulate on their own (yikes, THAT would hurt!), the egg retrieval process happens. So, there's some crucial timing involved in these next few days.

And today's the optimal day. I have about 10 big follicles growing on my ovaries with a few smaller ones behind. And all of my hormone levels look to be in the right ranges. So tonight, I take one last shot in my already slightly bruised belly and throw my hands up to the fates.

My egg retrieval will be Monday and then we wait for the somewhat nerve-wrecking updates... number of mature eggs retrieved, number that fertilized, number of embryos still growing on 1 day later, 2 days later.... and then on 3 days later, we'll transfer 2 of the best looking embryos back into me and hope at least one chooses to stick around for 38 more weeks. And then after that, hopefully we have a few good embryos still left growing in the lab 5 days later and they can freeze them for a subsequent cycle.

This is a very strange time in an IVF cycle for me. I feel odd. I feel like a freak. I feel like I'm walking around the world with the knowledge that my body is going through a strange, harvesting process, like I'm an alien experiment and everyone is watching. But no one would know if they looked at me. Anyone understand this feeling? Its almost like the feeling in that dream where you are at school or work w/o a shirt, or pants, or some crucial article of clothing on and everyone is staring at you, but you still have to go through you day. You know the one, right?

But there's no waking up of this dream into a world where I have all the right clothes on... into a world where I have a baby in the usual, have sex, miss your period and celebrate kind of way. And so I have to stay asleep in this awkward dream, and hope that when I do wake up, I still get that bundle of join in the end....

So send me some good egg maturing thoughts and I'll see ya on the flip side of the retrieval.

ps... My sister drove me to the clinic this morning and we joked in the car about maturing eggs... picture this... all of those eggs in my ovaries, partying it up, moving around, because they think they are 'so mature'... 'woo hoo!!! we're old enough to party now!" ... maybe that's why it gets so friggin uncomfortable in there over the next few days

Family Affair

2010-10-12T12:45:00.003-05:00

I love having all of my family around me for this cycle. Its what I'm going to focus on to get me through the anxiety and fear of IVF. Its also amazingly convenient that a few of them live a few blocks away from the clinic that I have to go to every morning to get my blood drawn and ultrasounds taken.

So here's many of the ways that my wonderful family is helping me through this:

First, I stayed with my parents in the burbs during the first few days of the cycle when I didn't have to be at the clinic every day. There my mom took me with her to the gym on her guest pass. She did a load of my laundry. We went to visit my grandma who I haven't seen in a while. And I also got to sleep in a very comfy new bed and had some quiet time to myself.

Now that I have to be at the clinic every day here on out until retrieval, I will be in the city with my sisters and brother. Each of them is contributing in their own way. My brother is letting me use his extra parking space so I don't have to pay a butt load of $$ every day in the city. My sister is letting me camp out at her apartment during the day so I can work remotely in a peaceful environment with an amazing view of the Sears Tower, across the street from a grocery store with a fantastic salad bar I can go to for lunch, and across from a chocolate factory (YES!!!) that gives me yummy smells every time I walk out the door. My other sister is letting me sleep at her place when she's away on a trip so I have a quiet place to call home base and lay my head.

Then, the day before retrieval, I'll move back to my parents place in the burbs so that B and the pup can come down and stay with me. Also, I will be able to rest in a space I know to be comforting after the procedure. I will stay there until after the transfer (assuming we make it to transfer... as you know, nothing is guaranteed in IVF) and then head back to my usual life up north for the remainder of the wait.

While this all may sound very complicated to you, its so nice to be able to live the city life for a few days and spend some good every day time with my family. No frills, no expectations, just living a daily life. I like that. Its comforting, warming ... and I hope, dear baby, that you can see, how much this family wants you to be here, how much they are willing to do to help you enter our lives... as fast as you can.

---------------------------------------------------------------
p.s - For those of you who understand cycle speak: after 4 days of stims (300u follistim, antagonist protocol) I definitely have a good number of eggs growing! I've got about 4 or so on each ovary that are measuring at 12mm-ish and then another 3-4 visible ones on each. So, hoping for maybe a good 12 eggs to make it out of retrieval! I don't get estradiol updates until later in the process, so I have no clue how they really are doing, but keep those fingers crossed. Today I started ganirelix and will be going in for b/w and u/s every day here on out. I really like this protocol better than the agonist (or long lupron) suppression one. It seems easier on my body and more in tune with my cycle rather than forcing something something. Hopefully the difference in protocol will do the trick. Oh, and all that other stuff I'm doing (metformin, yoga, acupuncture, diet changes, supplements, extra B-vitamins..... the list... its large!)

For those of you who want to learn what all of these protocols are, I found a good visual to help. Happy reading!

Game On!

2010-10-07T20:23:00.002-05:00

I was going to write about how hectic and unplanned this day was, and how I was missing the remainder of the seminar I was in that I had been anxious about but was actually enjoying and felt really bad about missing. I was going to focus on all of the things that didn't go how I thought they would go today...

But instead, I'm going to focus on the following:

What I learned today:
I learned that I am officially in the free IVF study! I learned that my blood work came back stellar and that I get to start stims.... TOMORROW!!!

What I did well today:
I used the tools that I learned in the seminar to help get my mind out of the usual spiral I go down in my head when I feel like I'm letting people down and worry about what people will think when I didn't do something I was supposed to do. With the help of a new friend, I focused on what I'm excited about and what a great opportunity I have with this cycle.

3 Things I'm grateful for today:
1) B...for bearing with my emotions, freak outs, crying spats and hysterical laughter. And also for what he will bear in the upcoming months. He is my rock
2) Zoe (my pooch)... for being a constant companion, mood lifter, and sympathiser
3) That I have this chance at an IVF cycle, free of charge, another chance to be a step closer to being pregnant.

How am I going to be the best IVF patient this time around:
I am going to acknowledge that I need to be selfish through this and take time for myself and B so we can go through this as mindful as possible. I'm not going to freak out about all of the details that I can not control. I am going to trust that my body will do the absolute best that it can and that no matter what happens, we will survive through this, and find something to be happy about.

-----

On another note, as I mentioned above, I was not hating the seminar that I was so freaked out about. There was not any more parenting talk than a normal day at the office, so I was able to handle it. And... it turns out the instructor had secondary infertility and was never able to conceive a second child. She shared this with me because I approached her before the class to tell her my background and fear after reading the parenting book for homework. She eased my fears and thanked me for being so open.

And I thought to myself, how crazy is that, huh? Serendipitous? The universe sure sends you things that you need at just the right time.

Calm Before the Storm

2010-10-01T15:16:00.000-05:00

In about a weeks time (give or take), I will be on my way to Chicago for my baseline appointment (for those of you not in the IVF-know, its a blood test and ultrasound to make sure you body is at its ideal state to start the "stims" which help to grow many eggs). And if things go well, I will be starting my belly shots the following day.

As I've alluded to in a previous post, I'm not really feeling much of anything about my upcoming cycle. I think this is the case for two reasons. 1) I'm not paying for it. This makes a world of difference becuase while there's a lot riding on this cycle, there's not $15K riding on this cycle. So that feels good. And 2) I'm excited to spend a few weeks downtown Chicago with my family. It feels more like I'm getting ready for a vacation.

I think its good that I'm not freaking out yet. And I'm happy that I'm feeling calm.

But I'm worried that this is the calm before the storm. The calm before the ups and downs of blood draws and ultrasounds, checking to see how many follicles are growing. The calm before the egg retrieval, provided I make it to retrieval. The calm before the fertilization report. The calm before the transfer (Well, the transfer really is a calm, ... thank YOU Valium!). And of course the calm before the storm of the two week wait.

B and I decided not to do this to ourselves again after our 3rd transfer failed. We didn't want to go through the pain and hurt and shattered hope. Through having to explain to our friends and family that once again, it didn't work. And yet, here we are again...

I just hope that I can maintain some of this calm as I watch myself go through the next month of shots, appointments, updates... and hope.

So last night, I did what any good girl would do before an impending storm.... MARTINIs!!!

Homework Sucks

2010-09-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

I love when the world nudges you to rise above your emotional hangups and fears... (heavy sarcasm!)

Recall, if all goes well, I should be able to begin shots for IVF # 3 around Oct 10th or so. The week prior to this, I get to spend 3.5 days in a class on management called "Pathways". Has anyone heard of this?

I was actually looking forward to it. I thought it would be fun to get to know my fellow peers in management a bit better and also learn a different perspective on what I do so I can be a better leader. I'm sure its going to be one of those 'touchy feely' type ice breaker classes, with skits and such, that I haven't really done since girlscout camp, but I was still looking forward to it...

... until today, when I got our 'homework' assignment to be completed before class begins on Tuesday of next week. Here's the assignment: Read the first 6 chapters of the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give to my Childern".

Really? Seriously? You want me to read a book on parenting, and then discuss it with a whole bunch of parents, in a room, for 3.5 days, all while I'm trying to stay zen for my IVF cycle the following week?

COME ON!

Needless to say, I'm dreading being in that room now, fearing that I will just sit there and want to cry. Especially when former participants have told me that people really do open up in that class, to the extent that others have cried! But I really don't want to cry about this, not in front of the people I work with.

Please give me strength to make it through this class!

Yad Shniyah

2010-09-23T19:16:00.002-05:00

K is a close friend of mine. I found her on this fertility journey when I searched for someone in my area to help me put together a holistic health plan for myself, outside of the western medicine arena. I googled a few things and her center came up on the top of the list. Turns out there was a woman, right under my nose who not only is an 'infertility survivor' herself, but also a counselor, a writer and an activist in the infertility, or as she likes to call it, subfertility world. In fact, the support group that I organize was conceived and born in her mind.

K has not only been a guide to me along this path but has become a dear friend. She's given me comfort when I needed to cry. She's helped me realize things deep in my soul that have, I'm sure, affected my fertility. She's never been judgemental in the path that I choose to follow through this, and mostly, she's a beautiful, emotional, loving and nuturing soul in my life that continues to encourage me and lift me up. She's one of my treasured bright spots in this whole frustrating journey. I only hope that I have been able to give her back a friendship and support in a similar manner.

The other day, K and I met for coffee. She had emailed me a few days before saying there was a surprise she wanted to share with me. I was so moved by this surprise when she shared it with me, as was she when she first received it. I knew instantly that I needed to share it with all of you. It's not perfectly happy, but it is amazingly real and I believe shows how deeply this disease can affect ones soul and how differently people choose to approach this and cope.

So here it is: K received a package in the mail from a couple that she had met, only once, who themselves have journeyed down the infertility road. The package contained a letter and the item in the picture below. The letter reads as follows:

To family and friends –

For the past 10 years we have been trying to have a baby. Our lives have been full of hopes and prayers, doctors and appointments, tests and treatments, lots of talking and lots of silence, promises and disappointments. We have paid with our time, our money, our sense of self, and our relationship. Three years ago, our last doctor told us that our pursuit of a biological child had ended.

As artists and collaborators, we have redirected our obsession from producing a child to making art. This piece, Yad Shniyah, is our fourth piece directly related to our fertility frustrations. For the past 3 years, we have been working on this piece as we process the verdict from the medical profession and figure out who we will be since we will not become parents.

Yad Shniyah in Hebrew means ‘second-hand’. Over the last 3 years we have been building this piece from second-hand clothes. One of the cultural practices in Israel is for people to leave discarded clothing, usually in neat little stacks, washed, folded, and bagged, out on the street for anyone to take.

We would take the clothes, cut off the buttons, and remove the seams to get cloth. We made a pattern, marked and cut, sewed, stuffed, and joined each doll. We diapered and pinned each doll by hand.

We made 1,111 dollies. We are each keeping one. We are sending one to each of our nine immediate family members; 100 go to other relatives, friends, and medical providers. 1,000 will be distributed randomly around the city of Jerusalem for strangers to find and keep.

You are getting this letter and dolly because you are a part of this process. Some of you have been involved quite intimately, some of you were medical service providers. Some of you we sought out and asked for your involvement and others of you showed up. Some of you kept us in your thoughts and prayers, others of you may not have known what to do or say. Some of you were supportive and encouraging, some of you offered unsolicited advice. Some of you we think of as part of our extended surrogate family, some of you were not aware of what we were going through.

All of you are people we would have shared our child or children with. You would have been grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. You would have come to birthdays, holidays, weddings. We would have told you about our children and would have told our children about you. You would have been there for our successes. You would have had a picture of our child on your desk, refrigerator, or ‘brag wall’. Maybe it was a passing remark, a heart-to-heart, a professional appointment somewhere in the journey. Maybe you gave us marital advice, medical advice, mental health advice.

You may be reading this letter on the internet as one of the 1,000 who came upon one of our dollies. You may have met our child at some point – at the playground, a school friend, a teacher, a shopkeeper, a scout leader, a college roommate, employer. You would have had an influence on our child. Maybe giving parenting advice to us, sharing in the anticipation of the pregnancy and birth, all of the ‘firsts’, maybe babysat, been a confidante, a friend. Maybe they would have just heard about you as we regaled them with our stories.

We are sending these dollies out into the world just as we would have sent our child.

Love,
Rachel & Joseph
Gordon & Gordon Art

Here's the picture of the doll in the package

So, what do you think??

You can read more about their art project here.

Re-Post for ICLW

2010-09-21T12:41:00.000-05:00

Once again, I've joined ICLW in hopes of making more connections out there in the blogosphere. Here's a re-post from last month for those of you who are visitng my blog for the first time. Welcome, leave me a comment so I get to know you better and thanks for stopping by! I hope you'll continue with me along this journey.

Also, as a teaser to come back, I have an amazing post in the works that I hope to get up by the end of the week. I'll leave you with this.... its about a couple who struggled to conceive and created an amazing art project to help them heal. Its cathartic and beautiful... more to come...

All Clear!

2010-09-18T10:11:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update...

I had my SHG yesterday (a fluid ultrasounds that looks at the lining of your uterus to check for fibroids or any other things that shouldn't be there) and everything looked good, "picture perfect" as they say. I also had my final bloodwork done to check a few other hormone levels and those came back in the right range too.

So monday I will let the IVF study coordinator know the results and I'll likely be given the go-ahead to start my meds when I get my next period, in about 3 weeks.

The reality of a cycle is looming upon me. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it, but I do know that if things didn't come back clear yesterday, I would likely have been dissapointed. So that must mean at some level I'm excited. I guess I really should be, right? How often does one have the chance to do a free IVF cycle (for those of us in the self-pay world), huh?

I think I'm still in protective mode. I know the emotional challenges an IVF cycle can hold and maybe I'm just saving up my intensity for then.

.. or MAYBE, I've learned enough about living in the present moment that I'll be able to be 'zen' through this all... hmmmm... likely not, but hey, a girl can dream :-)

The Crash after the Party

2010-09-14T21:04:00.000-05:00

Shit...

I just watched the episode of Glee where the blond chick, Quinn, gives birth while the rival school is performing a version of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

I thought I could do it, but it made me cry, like I haven't cried in a while.

And I didn't turn it off. I watched it like a train wreck.

Maybe I'm crying because of the anticipation of a potential upcoming IVF cycle that I've been pushing out of my view. Maybe I'm crying because I don't want to walk that emotional road, the road of what if's, potential due dates, of how am I going to deal with this if it doesn't work... the road of feeling guilty for what I've put into my body these last few days... the road of questioning if I've done enough to help my chances, of pulling the wool over my eyes in thinking that maybe I have some amount of control in this process.

I think I've been pulling away from the intensity of this journey lately, and its felt good. Its been freeing and I've been happy. But now all of the things that have been distracting me, like waiting for another cycle to come and go, and anticipating my sister's wedding and vacation planning and work.... all of those things are slowing fading from view and a looming cycle is staring me in the face. Even with it being a free cycle, its still intense. Regardless of the money, we still have a chance to create some embryos and be so close to being pregnant, finally, and its scary, especially after being here 3 times before.... 3 times!!!

What makes me think that this time will be any different? What makes me think that I can handle a 4th failure?

Or maybe I'm crying because my sister's wedding this past weekend was absolutely amazing and we had 3 full days of wonderful family fun, celebration, togetherness and I've been anticipating it for a while... And weddings make me cry, especially when I see all the hope and love and excitement about L & B's upcoming live together as Mr. & Mrs. And I think of the hope and excitement and future dreams and plans that B and I had 6 years ago. I feel the depression and anxiety of infertility setting back in as mourn the passage of time and the loss of something we've never had.

And maybe that's why I'm crying... I'm coming down from a high and I'm scared of the potential low ahead.

A Wedding Wish

2010-09-10T08:28:00.001-05:00

My sister L is getting married this weekend to her boyfriend of 11 years. Its going to be an amazing weekend. We're staying downtown Chicago and are starting the celebrations today with manicures and a bridal party luncheon. Tonight is the dinner rehearsal and then tomorrow's the big day!

I am absolutely thrilled for them and know that I'm going to be an emotional mess. It reminds me of my wedding and all the joy and hope that lifts you up that day.

Today I'm making a pledge to myself to make Infertility take a back seat and in fact, go lock itself in the trunk. I'm here to celebrate and fully be present with all of the celebration.

I of course have that little birdie sitting on my shoulder that is saying... "You should have been pregnant at this wedding. Hell, you should really be carrying around your baby, showing off your bundle of joy to your relatives and trying to figure out how to breast feed and get your picture taken with the wedding party"

But I'm going to tell that birdie to shove it.

And instead focus on the hope and love that this wedding brings. I love you L! I can't wait to see you walk down that isle and smile your beautiful bridal smile and dance into the night with your loved ones. I wish you guys a long life filled with love, laughter, adventure .... and babies... that come to you easily :-)

Getting Ahead of Myself

2010-09-03T12:52:00.001-05:00

I know I am getting ahead of myself with this post, but I had a realization tonight....and it made me feel like I had something in my hand that I treasured and it was just rudely ripped away.

If we are lucky enough to have a biological child from the plans we have decided on over the next few months, I don't think we'll go through all of this for a second child. I know, never say never, but it simply seems so daunting to start this journey all over again for a second child. So because of that, we'll be faced with adoption or having only one child. (Yes, I fully admit, this is only one scenario of how my life can go, but it is a possibility and It just kind of hit me tonight that it IS a possibility)

I'm sad. I may have to work so incredibly hard to have our first child that we simply don't have the emotionally and financial resources to figure out how to have a second.

I always dreamed that if we did have children, we would have more than one B and I both come from larger families. I want to hear that laughter of my CHILDREN playing with each other, and fighting about silly things and giving advice to each other and.... But there's a distinct reality that we may only have one.... If that!

So needless to say, I was freaking out last night at this new realization..

I think the point of this post is to show how it takes time to see how infertility affects your whole life. Even beyond potential success. Its not just that you are trying and trying and trying so hard to achieve your first goal, but it can affect your second, third and so on goals... It affects the timing of events in your life, it affects plans you had for retirement, it affects your dreams of moving to different places, of trying new things. It affects it because your life feels on hold and static yet ever moving/focused towards the one very large goal. And you feel robbed of other dreams. And yes, dreams aren't everything, and learning to live in the present moment is very important...

But you still have dreams.

And I know that some of you will say, go for your dreams! And as easy as that sounds, its just not the same. Yes, we can still find things to keep us here and happy in the moment and trying to find peace in our current situation, but this is a draining process, emotionally, physically, financially. And that constant drain still affects your dreams, even if you continue to try to achieve them.

P.s..... the reality of no children is still here too, lurking... but I didn't want to honor that reality today in anyway, shape or form

Acceptance and Irony*

2010-08-31T08:42:00.001-05:00

I think acceptance is finally setting in. After 3.5 years of this, I'm finally able to talk about it in a normal conversation. Here's my example:

Yesterday, I was walking the dog and my neighbor, who just popped out her third child was outside with her 2 older girls. I don't know this neighbor all that well, but we smile or wave in passing. Well, this time, we struck up a conversation about their new addition and then she proceeded to ask me if we have any kids.

Normally, this would have stopped me in my tracks, and made me feel inadequate and just respond coyly, "Not yet." with a smile on my face, mostly to be vague.

But this time, I just felt compelled to be as normal and as a matter of fact about it and said, "No, we don't. We've actually been trying for quite a while"

And she responded with a very genuine, "Oh! I'm so sorry. That must be hard. I will pray for you in church."

And that was it... I thanked her very much and there was no drama, no stupid comments like "just adopt" or "have you tried putting a pillow under your ass". It was a normal adult conversation about a struggle and I didn't hide. I didn't run. I didn't lie. I just was me... all of me..

So I guess I'm finally accepting this journey and weaving it into my full self.

*(The Irony part of this story has been edited out for confidentiality reasons... sorry!)

Consultation Update

2010-08-29T08:44:00.000-05:00

I traveled to Chicago last friday for an appointment with the clinic that is performing an efficacy study on a particular IVF drug. The study is in phase III of the clinical trial and if you know what that means, you'll know that they've already shown this drug to be effective as the one it is being compared to (daily injections of Follistim) and they now just need to validate previous results in an older population. And yeah for me, being "old" is actually a good thing for this. What's more exciting is that if I get in I will have an all expense paid IVF cycle. (I'd rather that sentence read "an all expense paid trip to Hawaii"... or something like that. But alas, one has to accept where one is at in their life, right?)

And everything seemed to go well. I'm basically in! I fit all the criteria and pending a few more blood tests, semen analysis and a sonohystogram (sometimes called a fluid ultrasound), which I expect should go well, I'm IN!!! This means I could be poking myself with needles in early October! WHEEEEE! (Never thought I'd write that sentence either... lol!)

I'm feeling pretty calm about it all right now, but am sure as time grows nearer, my anxiety level and emotions get a little out of wack. We'll see.

So, keep your fingers crossed and pray that the rest of our blood tests turn out well and we'll be back in the cycling game shortly! I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for Stopping By (ICLW)

2010-08-25T14:07:00.004-05:00

For those of you who are visiting my blog for the first time due to ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week), ...Welcome and thanks for stopping by!

I thought I would used this post to recap about my last almost year of blogging so you don't have to wade through all of the prior posts. I'm copying another bloggers format, because I loved the way she did it.. just a simple Q&A, as if someone was interviewing me.

*********

Q: How did your blog get started and what is it about?
A: My header on the blog pretty much sums this up. B (the husband) and I are trying to concieve our first child and so far, after 3.5 years, many treatments and a lot of $$, we've not had luck. A few years back, B and a few other supporters suggested that I journal in order to help me release some of the emotions that go along with this struggle. I tried and tried to write in an actual paper journal, but the words just didn't flow. Then one day, I thought, hey, maybe I'll try to type it out! Lo and behold, words come much quicker from my brain to the keyboard, than they do to a pen.

Secondly, I figured, this was a good way for me to communicate this journey to our friends and family without a) them having to ask me about it when they felt like they were prying (which of course they weren't, but I'm sure they still feel like it sometimes) and b) me having to feel like this is the only thing I talk about, ever. Here I can update everyone at once, and they can read it on their own terms. Its a win-win.

Q: What do you blog about most?
A: As I said above, I mostly blog about the thoughts and feelings that swarm around in my head and heart as we try to figure out how to build our family. Infertility is a journey, as I'm sure you've heard, and so I simply write about it here. From techincal, medical info, to our next steps, to the fears and feelings in my head. Its all here.

Q: What do you like about blogging?
A: I LOVE the support I get from family and friends and I LOVE the comments! Its my favorite treat of the day, to see a comment from people and know they are supporting me or thinking of me. It helps give me fuel to continue down this road.

I also like the fact that this is a permenant record of a part of my life in the recent past. I don't ever want to forget what a life changing event this has been for me and B and maybe others in my life that have been touched by this too. I want to be able to look back on my posts and remind myself when I finally am a mom, to never ever take it for granted.

Q: Who are you?
A: I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm the following; A wife, a best friend, a sister, a daughter, an actuary, a triathlete, a gourmet chef (in my head at least), a dog-mom, a vegetarian (ish), a wanna-be hippie, a wanna-be dancer, a yogi, a nurturer, an idealist, an encourager, a support group leader, a know-it-all (some may say:-) ... and a future mom.

Again, thanks for stopping by, and hope you come back!

... but I'm Still Crazy

2010-08-18T14:28:00.000-05:00

Even after my previous post, even after feeling good about understanding letting go, I still come home and nag B about having a beer.

I know, I know... let it go, but this is what infertility makes you become...

...a crazy woman who feels guilty and conflicted about every little thing that she puts into her body that is not 'fertility friendly'

...a crazy woman who thinks her husband should feel the same way, especially since we have a semen analysis coming up that will help us determine if we are allowed to be in the free IVF study (and of course beer affects that... RIGHT?!?!?!...).

... a crazy woman who understands what it means to let go, but doesn't always know how to do it.

Damn you, infertility!

I Think I'm Beginning to Understand Letting Go

2010-08-17T16:20:00.002-05:00

In one of my prior posts, I struggled to understand exactly what it meant to let go. I wondered if I was supposed to apply this advice from many to our baby journey. Did I have to give up hoping and trying altogether and just pray that a baby would drop out from nowwhere into my lap? Did I have to move on to adoption, which would eventually result in a child, even though I didn't feel at all excited about starting that particular journey?

When I pondered what it meant to let go, I usually had this pit in my stomach that I thought was encouraging me to stop trying for and wanting B's and my own genetic child.

Last Friday, I went to my favorite yoga teacher's class after work. She kicks my butt but also has a really peacful manerism about her that makes me feel bliss...while my butt is being kicked. Its a great way to end a work week, sweat out all of the stress taking hold in my muscles and open up my mind by trying to listen to what the world wants from me. As I was breating through a particularly butt kicking pose, I kept getting the image of my baby in my mind. I could see my freshly cleaned and diapered newborn curled up on my chest, nuzzled into fetal position. I could literally feel the warmth and aliveness wash over me. And for the first time when thinking this deeply about holding our baby, I felt peaceful and present, instead of fearful and full of sadness. I felt that this could be real... and I felt like I had let go of a lot of pain of the past.

And then at the end the class, as if on purpose, as we were laying in our last pose, the teacher read a passage, and guess what it was on... yup! you're right... it was on letting go.

I don't know if the universe knew that I needed to hear that particular passage that day, or if its just the fact that most of her readings really resonate with me on a regular basis because they are so applicable to all of lifes struggles. Regardless, I needed to hear it.

And here is what I took away from her thoughts on letting go:

I think letting go in this instance means that I need to release the pain of the past and the strong drive and desire to control every minute of every day when it comes to things that may or may not affect our ability to concieve. What has happened has happened. We've had 3 failed transfers.It sucks. Its painful and it was the hardest thing that I've had to go through yet in my life. And its over.

But that doesn't mean it needs to define me as I go forward. It doesn't mean that I can't consider IVF again in some form or another. What it does means is that I need to acknowledge the pain of the past, but know that I've been living my very best life that I can through this journey and forvive myself for the anger and jealousy and fear. These are all simply learning stages through this journey. I can "let go" and open up my mind and body to the present moment and let what is going to happen, happen. Even if I am making decisions about our next steps, it doesn't mean that I'm not letting go.

I think that is a very subtle point. Letting go doesn't mean giving up all control or all decision making abilitites. It means releasing the emotions and weight that you carry from your past trials. That heaviness is destructive to not only you, but to those around you. Experience the sadness, know that it will come and go, but don't hang on too tight. Release the grip.

And in doing so, you can open up your heart and mind to the pureness of what is here today, of the warming images and little pieces of possibilites that give you fuel to continue.

Get it?

Plans A, B & C

2010-08-14T10:28:00.002-05:00

Can you still call it a plan A if you've already tried and failed at other attempts? If you have already exhausted plan A, B and C? Ok, so maybe its plan D, E and F... Whatever it is, we've got PLANS!!!

Over the past month or so, we've poured (ok, I... who am I kidding.. I've poured) over test results and research and second and third opinions. I've had countless vials of blood drawn. I've schemed to get as many of the tests covered as I possibly can by my insurance and I've spent way too many hours on the internet consulting Dr. Google. With all this information, I've even created a spreadsheet of possible causes, issues and next steps (maybe I'll add it to this post later...) And from this, a path, not necessarily clear, but a path nonetheless has formed. And I'm very excited to get back on the trail.

So here's the plan(s)....

Plan A: Metformin. One additional thing that came out of all of these blood tests other than the immune results, is that it seems as though I'm insulin resistant, which simply means that my body's cells do not process the signals from insulin properly and it needs more than the average person to get the point. Because of this, many things can happen in women, including PCOS, weight gain, among others... luckily I don't have those, but I do have hormone imbalances that are shown by adult acne (yuck) and oilier than average skin along with spotting before my period and throw in some anxiety for good measure. All of these things are signs that my hormones aren't working quite right. So Metformin, along with exercise and a low gylcemic index diet, helps your body re-sensitize itself to insulin. Then, the hope is that the female hormone system should go back into balance. There's also lots of evidence showing insulin resistance is highly correlated with inflammation (not sure which causes which, but they occur very often together) and thus an explanation for implantation failure. So I started Metformin yesterday, as a pill at mealtimes, and I'l be on that indefinitely.

Plan B: I'm pre-screened to be in a FREE IVF study!!! Yippee! Its not the ideal protocol for me (too technical to get into here), but its a FREE cycle. So I'm going to attempt to make it through to transfer. Because it is a study being sponsored by a pharmaceutical company, I have to quite a few different hoops to jump through, the first of which is a final screening consultation with one of the REs running the study, which is occurring on August 27th. After that, if I pass certain blood tests, I will then be able to start taking meds and growing eggs and hopefully if I grow enough, I will make it to retrieval and we can try another transfer!!!

While I am excited about this study, I'm also cautious because 1) the FSH dose is lower than I've been on with my other two IVF cycles, so I won't make as many eggs and 2) there will not be anything else allowed into my body for help with the potential immune issues that I have. But its a free cycle and I might as well give it a shot, right?

Then, if neither of those work,... Plan C: We're going to try (and have to pay for :-( ) one last IVF cycle here with my local RE... with 2 twists...1) We'll add in some meds to help with the potential immune issues to aid implantation, and 2) we're hoping that we make enough good quality embryos to transfer into both me AND a gestational carrier (more on this in a later post)... AT THE SAME TIME!!! eep!

My thoughts behind this double transfer are as follows: We don't have endless amounts of money to continue with IVF cycle after IVF cycle. We're fortunate to be able to think about affording one more, however, we have to draw the line somewhere. Also, if we do use a GC, I'd like to be able to transfer a fresh embryo, rather than frozen, because the odds of implantation and a successful pregnancy are increased, thus being more cost effective. And finally, I want to at try some of the immune interventions at least once for me, but we simply can't afford to do 2 more IVF cycles, especially if we are going to pay more for a surrogate in the end... So I think that this double transfer is the most cost effective and highest probability of success in one shot. And yes, we would be THRILLED to have "twins"

I'm so excited to have a plan back in place. I feel at peace again and am more hopeful that I've been in a while. It worries me of course that the peace is really just a false sense of hope, because I'm putting up another wall or two in front of my future. But I find comfort in these walls.

And I'm going to need that comfort because this fall is going to be a wild ride! Get ready....

My Baby Knows

2010-08-03T07:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found out that a person I know is pregnant from her first IVF... and it stings. I was so down last night thinking about how frustrating this journey is, how random it seems to be. How while I have new directions to follow, I still don't know the best path to take.

But sometimes it doesn't even seem that random. Sometimes I feel like I'm always getting the shit end of the deal. I know.... I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But thats a really hard thing NOT to do in this situation.

So just when you feel like all hope is lost, you have a dream that gives you some strength back.

Dear Baby,

Thank you so much for coming to me last night in my dream. I think you know that I needed to see you and that holding you in my dream will give me strength to continue on this journey. I can still feel how it amazing it was to hold you last night and show you to the world.

I can't wait to meet you and hold you in this reality too.

Love, Mom

Weary

2010-07-29T19:42:00.001-05:00

Regardless of how much new information may give us insight and a new path to follow, it still sucks that we have yet another path to follow. I'm weary.

Regardless of how exciting it is that new options have opened up for us, it still sucks that we have been on this journey for so long. I'm weary.

Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the heaviness of this all. I feel like I'm sitting on the outside of a glass window looking in on a very large room full of families and women who are pregnant and women who get pregnant even on their first IVF cycle... and I'm knocking on the glass, with big puppy dog eyes, hoping some one will see me and let me in or finally show me the door. But I'm weary of knocking. I've been here for a long time and I want to finally just be let in. Why won't they let me in?

An Article Moved Me to "Come Out"

2010-07-22T20:17:00.001-05:00

I was sent this article from the Self Magazine by a friend who has followed our journey from afar through this blog from time to time. She read the article and she wanted to share it with me, like hey, when I read this, I thought of you guys.

In my head I was thinking, oh yeah, it's probably just another short, detailed-lacking article about some celebrity who went through many treatments and finally had success. Some article that just ever so slightly brushes over the struggle and cost that this journey can be but happily shows the successful picture of her new addition or additions to the family.

But after I read it, I felt energized and moved to action. The article was very detailed and talked way more in depth about the internal emotional struggle and in the insurance and science worlds. It moved me enough to make the decision to 'come out' to my friends on facebook and share my blog with everyone. I feel strongly that this cause should get more attention for the following reasons:

We need to come out to let others out there know that we're out here too! This is a very isolating struggle and we need to support each other.
We need to come out to let others in our lives know how to support us in this struggle since we really do need strength from all around us.
We need to come out to help the science get better. By getting involved in advocating for Infertility, hopefully we can push more and more studies to be done to answer these 'unexplained' cases of infertility, and help success rates increase.

So, for all of you who are just joining me and B on our journey to build our family, WELCOME! I hope you can learn from this struggle of ours by following us as we continue on this road. I don't want you to feel offended or that I am trying to make others feel badly by writing this. I just mostly want to share this perspective. Its not the right perspective. Its simply mine, in all of its jaded and battle-weary glory.

For those of you who have been along for the ride thus far, I so appreciate your wonderful comments and support and want you to know it has meant the world to us.

I hope you all take a bit of time to read the article I linked to above, but if you don't, here's a few of the points in it that really struck me:

Infertility IS a disabilty.
Infertility can cause humiliation at spending tens of thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it.
Once successful, people want to forget and often don't support others who are going through it.
The insurance industry likens infertility treatments to cosmetic surgery - its a want, but not a need.
Only 15 states mandate some form of coverage for treatments.
An average IVF cycle cost around $12,400 out of pocket.
Even with IVF covered by insurance, women still opt out of the treatment. Its just too stressful. Here's an example: Last year, researchers at Harvard Medical School found 34% of patients under 40 yrs old WITH insurance for at least 3 IVF cycles dropped out after only 1 or 2 and 68% of patients older than 40 gave up before exhausting their coverage.
Isolation is a defense mechanism against overload. Its not a good thing, but its what infertility patients do to protect themselves.
There are the same rates of depression and anxiety in infertility patients as there are in cancer patients.
There is a stigma to infertility that somehow you are less of a person. That stigma has to come completely off. Patients need to start shouting from the rooftops.

So here I am, shouting from the biggest rooftop I can climb to right now. Thank you facebook! (Even thought I bashed you a month ago ;-) )

Finally, Maybe an Answer...

2010-07-17T11:28:00.002-05:00

... or at least a clue. I'm actually happy to say that I'm NOT NORMAL! (Well, you knew that already, right? but....)

(i put a ton of links w/ lots of info in this post... just in case you wanted to know more)

I talked with the nurse at the clinic I am consulting with in Peoria, IL yesterday and she explained my initial results. I will have a phone consult on Monday with the RE there and have more to say, but for now, here's what I know:

I tested abnormally for 2 things:

1) I have high APAs (Antiphospholipid Antibodies). The theory is controversial in its effect on the implantation of an embryo into the uterus, but the hypothesis is that these elevated levels cause blood clotting of the placenta/uterine lining and thus hinders the embryo from nuzzling in, or, if it does, it doesn't last long because the clotting will eventually starve the blood supply and miscarriage will occur.

Many fertility clinics do not believe in this relationship, mostly because there has not been a large clinical study showing a conclusive relationship between high APAs and infertility. Additionally, there are many women out there who are fertile and do test high for APAs. So, its definitely not a causal relationship, but maybe just a flag for other things that are awry.

The clinic in Peoria, along with a few other renowned Reproductive Immunology clinics do believe (warning: this link is lengthy with a TON of info on implantation failure) that high APAs should be treated for. They do this by having me take daily sub-cutaneous injections of levonox (heparin, a blood thinner) after egg retrieval in an IVF cycle. The injections continue until 8-ish weeks of pregnancy if I become pregnant.

2) I also tested high for CD16/CD56 cells which are associated with Natural Killer cells (awesome name, huh??, oh and I told ya so!! ). The basic theory here is that my body responds inappropriately to certain events in the monthly hormone cycle causing an inhospitable environment for the embryo. There are a crap ton of articles on it, but they are pretty heavy on the science part, so I'll spare you the details.

And again because the large clinical studies on this haven't been done yet, many REs do not treat for this.

However, those who do treat for this overactivity in the immune system historically use IVIG (an immunosuppressant delivered intravenously). But because IVIG is a) a blood product and b) extremely expensive, other places have been using intralipid infusions instead. It has been shown in-vitro (i.e. in a lab) that they suppress NK (natural killer) cells the same way that IVIG does. Oh!! and I forgot to add, elevated or improperly functioning CD56 cells are associated with women who have or have had endometriosis.... hmmmmm..... another clue, right?

So, along w/ the heparin daily shots, I would have to go in 2x for these infusions. Once, about a week before egg retrieval and the second after a positive pregnancy test.

That's a crap ton of info, huh? But it definitely jives with what I feel is going on in my body. If you recall, with each of my 3 embryo transfers (2 fresh, 1 frozen), I had a feverish, achey reaction about a week after transfer. I just KNOW deep down that this is where the issue lies and its so nice to finally have some sort of test to at least give some credence to my theory.

The next questions are... 1) Can we target any of that w/ chinese medecine, 2) Are the western treatments successful enough to warrant me paying for one more IVF cycle or 3) Should we just move right to a surrogate... So much to process, especially for a Saturday morning...

I Carry a Photo of Hope in my Wallet

2010-07-14T16:03:00.004-05:00

Someone told me once that I would know when I am ready to 'move on' to adoption when I think about it and get excited.

By that definition, I have never been ready for adoption and I still am not. When I think about going through the process of adoption, I get nervous, sad, depressed and wary.

But when I've thought about the possibility of surrogacy for our biological child over the last few days, I 've been VERY excited. I can envision it. I can play out some events in my head and think what an amazing thing that would be! I get a big smile on my face and a good feeling of closure, of an end to this long fought battle and a finality to an arduous journey. I think I even feel that I could get to a point where I could be at peace about not being able to carry a child myself.

Isn't it amazing what a switch one's mind can make. I mean, up until about a week ago, we really never even gave surrogacy any thought. But for the last few days, its been consuming my thoughts. I feel like I just threw this out to the universe and said... ok... maybe this is our path... and it gave me a rush of excitement and positivity back. I think that means something, no?....

For the last seven years or so, I've carried a wallet sized photo of B around in my purse of when he was about five or six and I just die every time I look at it. Its so adorable. And ever since I saw that picture, I knew I wanted to have little B's running around my house. (He'd cringe at that thought... LOL!). Infertility has made me feel like I may never get that chance and looking at that picture makes me sad and longing for something that I feel like I have lost, even though I never had it. But surrogacy might just be that option that makes me feel hope again.

I'm definitely not ready to make any decisions today and we have a crap ton of research to do if we choose to go that route, but I'm more hopeful than I've been in a VERY long time that I might get a chance to see B's eyes or nose or mouth ... in our baby. And that just makes me jump for joy

2 Trains,1 Platform, only 2 Feet

2010-07-09T22:28:00.003-05:00

You know when you have a choice to make, you could go one way or the other, and you can't make up your mind? I have felt that way for a long time about adoption. I feel like I have one foot on the adoption train, and the other foot, plus my whole body, clinging to the pole at the station which is representing IVF.

We do indeed have one solid foot on the adoption train..... We picked an adoption agency and put some money down for place on their 'pre'-waiting list. What does that mean you ask? It means that once we get to the top of the list, and we have our home study and couple profile complete, we are eligible to be the next couple into the pool of potential adoptive parents that birth families see.

Its exciting, but like I said, its a foot, and not the whole body/mind, yet. We can get a full refund. And that's what I'm holding on to right now.

My mind right now and the majority of my daily actions are focused on my blood test result and trying to figure out how we can afford another IVF cycle and if its worth trying, if the tests indicated any sort of diagnosis, and if the success rate for that diagnosis and my age and history is high enough at the new clinic we are considering.

But then today, another train pulled into the statin. Its on the other side of the platform, heading in the opposite direction as the adoption train. But in order to put my foot on that new train, I think I need to take it off the adoption train.... B and I actually discussed the idea today of finding a gestational carrier (GC), aka a womb to rent, instead of pursuing adoption. And we both kind of got excited about it. Way more in fact than the first time we talked about adoption.

And now my head is spinning in all different directions, and I'm not sure where to go next. I'm not sure where each train is heading and what the schedule is... when will it arrive at its destination? Which one should I take? Or should I even go? Maybe just stay put for a while in the IVF platform?

I guess, as B says wisely, "No need to make life decisions today." So I'll sit with 2 trains in the station for a bit longer and keep mulling it over, but knowing for the first time in a while that I feel like I have a 3rd option that brings me some more joy than the 2 that I currently face.

Celebration, Frustration & Relaxation

2010-07-06T22:33:00.008-05:00

B and I splurged on an amazing dinner this past Thursday night. Its likely the best we've had ever in Madison. We were celebrating.

Some of you may know that I'm an Actuary and in order to be an official Actuary, there is a series of nine exams that need to be passed. I recently found out that I passed my final exam. I did it! I'm officially a Fellow of the Casualty Actuarial Society (read Super Geek)! These exams have been a very large part of our lives for the last 5 years. Over 300 hours of studying for each one. And I say ours, because B has been a fantastic supporter of me and helped to pick up the slack around the house during 'study season'. So as a reward, we went out and did it up right!

My family has been very supportive as well, and they are all thrilled for me too, but the first thing out of my dad's mouth (after a congrats of course) when I called to tell him the good news was, "Maybe now that you are done, you can finally relax and get pregnant." And I politely laughed a bit and said something like, "Yeah, maybe..."

But inside my head I was thinking, "SERIOUSLY? OH MY GOD! HAVE YOU NOT READ OR HEARD ANYTHING I'VE SENT OR SAID TO YOU IN THE PAST 3 YEARS. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS THIS STRUGGLE AND HOW IT HURTS TO HEAR THOSE WORDS. I've even sent you this very well written article twice, Infertility Etiquette , and you still haven't read it or try to know why those words, specifically the word relax, are hurtful and insulting to me? "

I know he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings, but I just see this as another example of how some people can't really understand how intense this is and how best to support me through this. I love my dad, and we get along great most of the time, and I know that he thinks about B and I frequently and how life changing this has been for us, but that word 'relax' really pisses me off and I've tried really hard to express how much that specific word is crap.... If getting pregnant was as easy as relaxing.... I mean, it just makes me feel like he really really doesn't understand that this is a disease and this is NOT something that I have control over, no matter how much I fucking relax.

I actually think this is somewhat of a common theme or misunderstanding of this disease among the 'fertiles' of the world.

So, not only was I irritated about the comment from my dad, but on our way out of dinner a very young, skinny somewhat downtrodden woman was walking outside of the YWCA with a 2 yr old in her hand and a baby almost ready to pop to of her belly as we got in the car after a thoroughly relaxing and enjoying dinner... And I asked myself, "Really? Really? ... Seriously?.. UGH!I don't understand that if there is a god out there, especially the one I was raised with in the Catholic church, that that god, who controls things and teaches lessons and puts the stars in the sky, if there really is that god, why the fuck is there suck inequity in the baby arena, huh?"

I don't mean to get into a religious debate here and I've long since made my peace with where I stand on religion, spirituality and its place in my life, but I see these obviously frutsrating snapshots of others lives and I think to myself, I just don't get it... I truly don't.

So instead of focusing too hard on the things I can't control, I reveled in the relaxing feeling of 2 glasses of wine, an amazing dinner, a kick ass chocolate dessert and I opened the sun roof as B drove us home. It was a beautiful evening and I asked him to drive me around our neighborhood through all of the beautifully old oak and maple trees that line the street and make the moonlight dance on the night sky while the stars twinkle through the bare spots. And I looked up through the roof and let the breeze float past my face and I thanked the world for giving me the fortune to go celebrate my achievement with B and be able to appreciate the perfect mid summer's evening in this way.

And now I try to hold onto that feeling and hope that someday I will hold my baby to my chest and show him/her that same wonder and awe at the beauty that we live in and think, "There... do you see? This is the sign that there truly is something magical in the world. We just have to know where to look for it."

Me-7; B-3

2010-06-29T19:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry! I feel like I've been away from my blog for way too long! I'm so sorry! I've missed you guys. I'll never be away that long again...

Today we had a woman come to our home to draw our blood at our kitchen table. It was really strange! I felt like I was in a movie. She seemed a bit disorganized, and it took her some time to read the instructions from the lab in Texas that was ordering the bloodwork. Then she says in a shocked voice, "You'd better have a good vein! They want 7 vials! 7!"

And I start to freak out in my head, forgetting all of the other blood draws I've had throughout these past few years of IVF stuff, thinking, " Oh my god, I'm going to pass out". Of course I didn't, but she could really use some better bedside manners, ya know?

So they took 7 vials of my blood and 3 vials of B's blood and sent them off via fedex to 2 different labs. The test they are going to run are twofold: 1) To test my potential for autoimmune issues and 2) to test B and my gene combination for alloimmune issues.

Both of these tests are meant to give some guidance into implantation failure. If they find issues with either of the blood panels in each of these categories, they could be a clue that my body is fighting off the little embryos before then can nuzzle into my uterus and stick tight. I'm kind of anxious to see the results (and find out how friggin much this is going to cost us). In fact, I'm tempted to make a prediction on what they find...

...here goes: I think they find that I have high levels of Natural Killer cells (an autoimmune condition) and no alloimmune issues. I'll let you know when I find out if I'm right or not. Until then, we march on, in a direction unknown, trying to enjoy the summer and not freak out too much at how fast time is moving.

facebook...GRRR!

2010-06-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I torture myself. Its like a trainwreck really, I can't look away, but I really really want to.

Facebook is like this for the "sub-fertiles" of the world. Even after you've hidden all of your mommy friends because seeing cute pictures of their adorable children and learning all about the time of day they are awake breast feeding their adorable infants makes you feel sad, jealous and left out of a world you may never be a part of...you still aren't safe. The lucky fertiles out there still find their way to sneak into your newsfeed. And when they do, that sting returns.

Yesterday I found out a member of B's extended family is pregnant via facebook. She got married just 6 months ago and yesterday announced, "... we've got ao bun in the oven. We're SUPER DUPER excited."

And I'm "SUPER DUPER" jealous.... I'll never be that person who gets to have that joy and blissfully ignorant view of pregnancy and the ease at wich it happens. I'll never be that person who doesn't carry around the emotional and physical battle scars of years of trying to get pregnant that wound parts of your soul you never knew were there. I'll never be that person who can actually plan when they want to have their childern.

I'm jealous, and it makes me mad at myself! Which is the last thing I need right now, self-deprevation. I don't want to be jealous anyomre. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I don't know how not be. I guess maybe I just need to acknowledge those feelings, let myself feel them, and then try to let them pass and not hold onto the sadness and jealousy.

But facebook sure doesn't make that easy.

At least it feels good to place blame somewhere... Stupid facebook.

Soul Soothing

2010-06-13T17:15:00.003-05:00

This weekend, we spent some time with good friends. We hiked, cooked, listened to great music, played chess (well, I watched.. cuz I have NO patience for that game) and caught up.

I realized this weekend that I've known these people for 10 years. It really hit me how much I cherish their friendships.

I feel like lately I have not been very present in my life because I am so focused on either 1) sadness and crawling into a hole or 2) next steps on how to achieve a pregnancy.

I realized that I haven't really spent comforting time with people that know me well, that I have a history with of 10 years, that like me for me and don't judge that we don't have kids yet.

I didn't feel that pressure I put on myself to live up to some sort of ideal of where I should be at what time in my life.

I just felt like me.

And it felt good.

And I thank them all for being my friends.

And I hope they all know what they mean to me.

P.S. - Katie, thanks for the great pic! I'll send it your way.

Cover Me... I'm Going In!

2010-06-11T08:43:00.004-05:00

As I alluded to in my previous post, I'm considering doing another IVF cycle. I had a free phone consult with a doctor about 3.5 hours south who specializes in working with women like me... women without a real explanation of why all of those beautiful blasts never decided to stick around my uterus and hang out for 9 months.

The RE was really nice. We talked for about a half hour about my case. She called it 'compelling'. I think that made me smile, but I'm now not sure why. Regardless, she wants me to do a whole bunch of blood-work to test for possible signs that my immune system is attacking the little embryos when they try to stick and/or to test to see if B's genes are too similar to mine and as a result our embryos aren't recognized properly by my body. Neither of these are widely accepted methods of treatment yet in the US because there has not been a lot of randomized clinical trials, but it works for some women. And I think I'm in a place where I need to see this through. As scary as jumping back into the IVF game sounds to me, adoption right now is even scarier. AND, I'm not doing so well at not having a plan.

So, here I stand, potentially creating another wall to hide the view of my future.

A wise woman in my support group once told me, "No decision you make is permanent. If you are too scared to make a decision, try it on for a while. Live with it and feel what life is like with that decision. Understand what it means. But know that you can always take it back if you don't like it."

I feel like I'm at the return counter as we speak, "Can I exchange my 'No more ART decision' for that lovely '$14K IVF' model over there? Thanks."

But really, I'm heading back to war. Back to a battle with timing, appointments, shots, highs, hope, lows, debt... diving back into the IVF trenches, ready to fight again, unsure of the outcome, fearful of the defeat, but optimistic enough to try once again. Because as I currently sit here on the sidelines, I feel helpless and edgy. I feel like my hands are tied and I want nothing more than to win the war and bring my baby home. So like the title says... Cover me, I'm going in!

P.S. - do you like the new look of the blog?

Letting Go Is Confusing

2010-06-05T20:42:00.000-05:00

We're at another juncture here in this baby journey of ours. The first juncture was to make the decision to try to get pregnant. The second was to try IVF. The third was to agree to be done with ART after 5 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVF and 1 failed FET...

And then I decided to take a free consult w/ an new RE....

And now we're at the fourth juncture, to try one more IVF...

I keep reading about and hearing about letting go and just being at peace with what is happening today. Not giving up the dream of being a parent, but letting go of the decisions, the process, the next steps, the research...

But I'm not really sure how to do that, or exactly what that means. Does it mean that I'm not supposed to try to find a reason why our cycles have failed when we really don't have one? Does that mean I'm supposed to stick with our plan a of a few months ago to not go back to an RE and pursue adoption? Does that mean that I'm supposed to just live my every day life and trust that a baby will just simply drop into my lap somehow?

UGH! I don't understand what it means to let go. I don't know how to find that happy middle ground of living in the present yet still trying to become parents. Does anyone have any advice?

(I still plan on sharing info on my consult w/ the new RE... but I'll keep that as a teaser for my next post)

Wedding Anniversary

2010-05-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

B and I had our 6 year wedding anniversary yesterday. We are lucky enough to spend it up at my parent's cabin in Door County, WI where we got married. We have done this pretty much every Memorial Day since 2004. While being here and remembering the best day of my life so far is a treasure, I can't help but feel sad too. It is another marker of time passing without the growth of our family. And these reminders are sometimes very hard to take. I am however thankful and greatful for B in more ways than I could have ever imagined. The fact that he has helped me stay sane and comforted me during the hardest challenge we have encountered as a couple is a simple reminder of why I married him in the first place. He is my strength, my rock, my friend, my encourager and most importantly my home.

I love you B with more love than I could ever imagined possible and I can't wait until we can share this love with our children.

On another note, I had a phone consult with a new RE this past Friday. I'll post soon on that once I've sorted out my thoughts. Needless to say my head is spinning.

Stuck

2010-05-20T15:55:00.002-05:00

I'm stuck... I feel like I'm not even spinning my wheels anymore. I've done that for a while and now I'm just stuck.. maybe even sinking.

I spent last weekend in Puerto Rico with my sisters and my mom. It was fantastic! I sat on the beach all day long relaxing and enjoying the sun. I haven't done that in a long while. I think I even laughed out loud, a full belly laugh, at my sister's sunburn's expense mind you, but it was a real laugh. I felt like I had broken from reality for those few days and forgotten the heaviness that is setting in deeper as time keeps passing.

While we did mostly just eat, drink, sun and keep the conversation light, there was one night where I cried to them about the fear of never being able to have my own kids, of having to watch as each of them (all younger sisters..) got married and got pregnant easliy, of worrying that if we adopted, my kids would feel out of place in our family, of never being able to let go of this sadness. And while it felt good to get it off my chest and have them all be there together, I still don't feel like they really get it...

And I guess I can't expect them to get it, but somehow I was hoping that after letting go of a lot of that emotion in front of them that I would feel lighter and more hopeful when I came back and I would feel some sort of deeper bond.

But I don't. I feel stuck. I wonder if I'm depressed. I keep making these daily plans to call adoption agenceies and start the process going knowing full well it could be years... YEARS ... before we can hold a child (that we had to PAY for) in our arms... (I'm still feeling bitter, can you tell?) And I'm not sure I want it...

But I want to want it....

But right now I'm just stuck... and the mud is really really thick.

Paranoia

2010-05-08T16:03:00.002-05:00

I took myself shopping today (and yesterday) because I needed some retail therapy. Its been a long few months studying for my last actuarial exam, which I took this past Wednesday. It was F-ing HARD!!!! But that's not the point...

I was checking out when the woman who was doing the checking out looked at me and said, "We're open until 11 tonight! Don't forget. It's a special day for you!"

And I quickly spit out of my mouth as fast as I could almost stumbling on the words, "I'm NOT a mom," worrying that she was going to ask me about my kids. Paranoid that I would for some reason have to explain the last 3 years of IUIs, IVF's, herbs, acupuncture....

She was in her mid 50s - 60s, had a beautiful Russian accent and a great sense of quirky style. She stared at me for a minute and happily told me that she was not talking about Mother's day. She was instead saying it was a special day because I was out shopping, spending money, enjoying the moment and being good to myself.

And I believed her. I truly did. And I wanted to hug her (I didn't.. but I really did want to) and tell her that in a world of mom's on a mother's day weekend, her thoughts were a breath of fresh air and I needed to hear that I don't have to run and hide just because the rest of the world is celebrating something that makes me so sad because I'm not part of it. So thank you check out woman at the departmant store! Your words touched me more than you know... I walked out of the store feeling strong in my self-splurging.

I then proceeded into the grocery store where not 2 minutes in, someone came over the loud speaker and announced that there were free hand massages and aroma therapy samples in the bath isle for all the MOM's in the store!!!! And my moment of confidence was immediately shot and I wanted to crawl back into a hole.

I should have gotten the damn hand massage anyways.

Mother's Day

2010-05-06T20:40:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day is fast approaching and I want to hide. Actually I wanted to hide at least a month ago when Target and Walmart started their Mothers Day commercials. I feel bombarded with reminders every day that I'm not a mother.

And it sucks.

I wish I could turn off the media for the last month or so and wake up after all the Mother's Day sales, brunches, sitcoms and commercials are over. In fact, I wish I could turn it off in general. Have you ever noticed how parent driven most everything is?

I turned 35 and a half yesterday. I'm officially old in the world of western medicine. I was officially old 6 months ago, but now that I'm half way through this year, it really seems to be setting in. My fertility rates are slipping away we speak. My chance of ever conceiving lessen with each moment. And now I really feel desperate, panicky... I feel like time is slipping away, at a very fast rate and I'm going to have to face life without ever carrying my own child, without ever giving birth, without ever having that beautiful after birth picture with me, B and our baby, exhausted and blissful.

I don't know right now how to see through this fear.

What IF...

2010-04-26T19:05:00.058-05:00

There's this great project underway to unite many of the infertility bloggers out there and give more awareness to this cause. Here's a link talking about the project: Bloggers Unite! What IF...

Basically I have to ponder and write about one of the common "What IF's" that women & partners think about when going through this journey and then post this blog back to the Bloggers Unite blog (that's a lot of blogs in one sentence..)

So here's the "what IF" that I chose: What if I never see that plus sign? What if this is it, waiting and hoping for the rest of my life? What if I'm never ready to adopt?...

...
I worry about this a lot. In fact, other than work and paying bills and house projects, this is mostly what I think about. I worry about getting older and older and never having a child. I worry that I will never be able to give up the desire to have B and my own genetic baby. Why does that mean so much to me?

Some people might say, "Just adopt!" But today, I don't feel ready, or that it is easy. For me, pursuing adoption feels like I'm giving up on a dream of being pregnant, on giving up at having a child that I can see B's face in. For me, it feels like a whole new mountain that I have to scale and I just don't have the strength yet. Its there in front of me, but I just keep turning my back to it.

So what if we don't adopt? Do I continue on like this, month after month, taking my temperature, timing sex, drinking stinky herbs, going to acupuncture appointments, giving up certain foods/drinks because I think for some reason that gives me a small small bit of control over this process of which I really have none?

What if I am never friends again with some of my friends who do have kids? I've have lost touch with some because I simply don't feel like I have anything in common. I miss them dearly, but the thought of spending time with them makes me cringe. I fear that all they will want to talk about are their kids and that I will feel inadequate, that I will feel out of place in a world of moms. And I fear that if I do talk about this journey, that I will just sound like a stuck, broken record. And I willl have to keep up a face of hope, even when I don't feel it because I can't show my true fear and sadness in front of them. I hate feelling like I have made someone uncomfortable.

So what IF we don't adpot? I suppose eventually life would flow back into some kind of balance where I do figure out how not to focus on having sex at the right time every month and where I do drink coffee and alcohol when I want to instead of when I feel like I have gone without long enough. Maybe I'd get back into doing triathlons and runs. I miss those dearly. And maybe we'd become more career focused and move out of our house into a sweet condo in a bigger city and we'd travel a lot.

I see that future and I think I could be ok, but it seems so empty to me right now.

So I choose not to make any decisions. I choose to simply ponder the what IF but not let the fear of a childless future make me crazy and desperate. I choose to live in my daily life because when I focus on the present, I am happy and I do feel some hope that I won't need to worry about those what IFs, because a day will come when I will feel content, whatever it that looks like.

......

Here are a few links about NIAW and Infertility if you are new to this blog, this journey I am on, or are just simply interested in reading more.
Infertility 101
NIAW

NIAW

2010-04-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. It is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects over 7.3 million Americans. Do you know someone struggling with infertility (hmmm... me???). Do you want to be more supportive and compassionate? Go to Resolve.org to learn more.

I also really like this link: Infertility Etiquette.

To all of my friends who have struggled and are struggling with this life-changing event, I send you strength and hope.

To all of my family and friends who are supporting me through this journey, I send you thanks for helping me and B walk through this the best we can.

A hot pink paperweight

2010-04-12T21:40:00.004-05:00

In college, I worked in a pub. It was a small little pub with yummy food and great beer. It had a decent lunch crowd from the local businesses and was usually busy for dinner with live music at night. I really enjoyed working there and quickly became friends with some of the regulars. One such regular, I think his name was Pete, was a writer. He would come in a few afternoons a week and sit at the tall round table in the back and write and sip on a beer. We'd chat for a few but usually I just let him write. After a year or so we got to know each other pretty well.

One day after saying our usual hellos and bringing Pete a beer, he handed me a hot pink painted stone with the words "You are the strongest woman I know" on it. He said he got it at an art fair with some friends and just felt that I needed to have it. He wasn't quite sure why, so he held onto it until he had a good enough explanation. He said he was inspired once by me to write a poem about a woman struggling to keep her farm. He had a vision of me with an infant in my arms and a toddler at my side, standing on top of the hill of my farm, overlooking the land and knowing that I could weather the storm ahead. A vision of a strong woman, a vision of a nurturer, and a vision of me.

Throughout a lot of my life, I didn't associate strength and motherhood. I pushed away a lot of the 'softer side' of me and embraced the more independent side which for some reason didn't mean 'motherhood' to me. I think only now do I recognize that I can be both strong and soft at the same time.

One of the ways I feel this softness, comfort and care is through organizing a support group for women and their partners experiencing trouble building their family. I've met some amazing women going through the same thing and not only feel strength from them, but also the confidence to nurture. Nurturing is not a word I had associated with myself, but I'm slowly feeling more comfortable in that role.

So, last week, I asked B to come to group w/ me. Partners come once in a while, but I don't ask B a lot because he's just not that much of a talker. He was a trooper last week as the group. He sat there for the whole 2 hours, and said maybe 2 words. He absorbed and listened and just was there because I wanted him to be. Sometimes ya take one for the team, huh? So I was surprised the next day when I got an email from B. (see below).

In these simple moments I know 2 things:
1) I am the strongest woman I know who is living my life.
2) I could never go through this journey without B. He's my strength.

email from B:
I wanted to send this so that it wasn't just something that I though about but never said. I only wish that someone else hadn't given you the little pink rock with the same sentiment already, but you are the strongest woman I know. Watching you lead the group last night reminded me of what I may have taken for granted lately. You carry an extremely heavy burden, but do so with such dignity and grace that you deserve to be, albeit maybe quietly, recognized for all that you do in this journey. Not matter what happens in our baby quest, I will always respect and admire the path and stance you have chosen. I am fortunate to have you by my side.

I love you wife.

Dear Baby

2010-04-04T22:01:00.000-05:00

I was going to share an old journal entry with you again but the few that I had paged through were pretty sad and it didn't fit my mood. So I thought instead that I would write a new letter to my baby today...

Dear Baby,

I miss you. I'm sorry that I haven't been focusing on you as much in my everyday life lately. Work has been busy and I've been filling my spare time with studying. I've also been trying to get outside a lot. The weather is amazing right now. I love the transition to spring. I can't wait to show you the dog park in the spring, with all the new plants budding and blooming into color. You'll love it, I'm sure.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but its been somewhat nice to not focus on you as much lately because I sometimes feel like a whole person again, like someone who isn't missing a baby, but someone who is simply living her life in the moment.

But I still miss you, and I still want you to know that B and I are here with open arms and hearts waiting patiently (maybe not always patiently) until you come. And I don't want you to think that because I seem to be mostly happy (I'm trying, but some days its still hard) that I want you any less. In fact, I have never been more certain that I want you in my life and I can't wait till you arrive.

So, I just wanted to make sure that I got this message out there to you... we're here, ready and waiting for you. Please come soon :-)

Love, Mom.

Unfairness smacks me in the face

2010-03-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

As many people going through this struggle will tell you, it's just not fair!!! Unfairness is one of the first sentiments that comes quickly when you begin to realize that getting pregnant is not going to be very easy for you.

You feel like, "How the hell can all those crack-whores get pregnant so often and so easily, while I, healthy, unaddicted, stable income earner who has a nice roof over my head and is in a loving partnership be barren? What the fuck? How is this even fair? WORLD.. do you hear me??? ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!"

And as you work through the grief cycle, you know, the good old Kubler-Ross stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, you do come realize that either 1) The world isn't fair, so suck it up, this is just one of those things in your life that isn't going to go as planned or 2) Fairness really has nothing to do with the reason you aren't getting pregnant because if that were the case, the crack-whores wouldn't have babies, and I would.

And you cycle through these stages in 2 ways... monthly, whenever good old "aunt flo" shows, as well as a nice long 2-3 yr cycle or so as the overarching theme of being infertile gradually sets in because after all, month after month you aren't getting pregnant.

So where am I you ask? I'd like to say I'm pretty close to the acceptance stage, but waver in depression once in a while. I know that this is my journey to travel (ie, no more deinal.. i think 3 years is good enough to let that set in, huh?) and I don't feel bitter towards others who do get pregnant any more (that much) and I have stopped bargaining with the world (please give me a baby, and i promise i'll never read gossip magazines again). So while depression lingers from time to time, for the most part I can live happily (somewhat) in the present as we try to figure out how our family will come into existence.

But tonight, at dinner, Unfairness (ie, the anger piece) came back and smacked me upside the head. We were settling up our bill at the local Mexican restaurant and a woman comes in, not outwardly drunk, but just slightly disheveled enough for me to take notice. She says to the bartender, "Hey! You got 2 for 1 margarita's tonight?" and he replies, "No, but they are half priced." (Get it? It even took me a second.. lol) So she says, "Great, hold on, let me get my son and his friend"). And I'm thinking maybe she has a son who's old enough to drink and they are out celebrating something, some kind of rosy happy reason why a mom and a son would be drinking in a bar together...

But no... no... silly me... there she was, sidling up to the bar, with her middle-school aged, somewhat over-weight, shy and embarrassed looking son in tow, to knock back a few. And the guy who was ringing up our bill said to us that last time she was in, thing got a little loud. And my heart sunk, because Unfairness had not only smacked me in the face, but ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped it all over the floor... and was probably doing the exact same thing to that little boy. And all I could think was... please! Please! someone come rescue that little boy and hold him and tell him that his life is going to be ok and his mom isn't doing this because of him, and it's not his fault. And tell him that he should be experiencing a totally different childhood. One filled with a nurturing mother who is there to help him with his school work and cheer him on at his sporting events.... And yes, I do realize that maybe I'm taking the fantasy of this little boy's life a little too far in my head, since I really don't know what is going on, but mostly, I think of all the love and care and comfort and confidence that I can give to child and there is no way in hell I would ever drag my son into a bar to make him watch me get drunk.

And all over again, I think how truly unfair this infertility burden can be when we are faced with all of these tragedies. And I think to myself, please, won't someone listen to me? When is this joke going to be over? When are we going to get to have a baby of our own, because surely, if that woman can have one, why can't I???

And that's the story of Unfairness smacking me in the face.

And I'll make my way back to Acceptance again soon I know, but every so often, Unfairness has to step back in to remind me its still around.

A Plea to my family & friends...

2010-03-19T12:04:00.001-05:00

There is a woman who lives in our neighborhood. I see her walking along the sidewalk pushing a baby carriage and sometimes holding a baby wrapped up in a blanket. She walks a lot with her baby. In fact, I saw her today as I was driving home from the grocery store.

The thing is.... the baby isn't real. I think its her little dog. I think she wraps her dog up in a baby blanket and walks with it in her arms and pushes it in an old fashioned baby carriage.

When I saw her today, I smiled and thought it was sweet but a bit strange and then I thought... oh my god.. PLEASE DON'T LET ME BECOME THIS!

And that is my plea.

By the way...this post is supposed to be somewhat funny. Not as sad or pathetic as it could be interpreted :-)

Wavering in perspective

2010-03-17T13:28:00.000-05:00

I waver in my perspective.

From one point of view, I've been on this journey for so long and I feel saddened by the efforts behind us that have failed. I feel a sense of finality, closure and defeat looms.

But turning around and facing a different direction, I see new hope and stories all around me of success after a long battle. I feel spring entering my home and want it to fill my body. I want to embrace the present with joy and hope for the future.

It's a constant battle. Which side should I look at. Of course we know the answer to that, but as soon as I feel positive about my next steps, the other side pulls me around and grabs me into a dark and gloomy place. Sure enough, I climb my way back out and light begins to shine again, only to fall around again into despair.

But today, there is a sign of spring in my yard, so for now, I will attempt to face in the right direction.

I'm not very happy with you today, Infertility!

2010-03-12T09:10:00.000-06:00

I promise one day soon, one of my posts will be a bit more uplifting, but right now, I just have to tell it like it is...

In some ways, I want to thank infertility for helping me become a different person. I'm overall a more peaceful person and I have found my true self again. Things that used to matter and make me anxious don't, because they simply aren't important. The present moment is the only thing that is. And I would not have learned these lessons or had this transformation without this experience.

However, I HATE infertility for making those that love me, hurt. And I HATE infertility the most for making B hurt. I can handle the hurt. I've done it for 3 years. Its not easy, but I know how to live in it. I know how to function. I know how to let it be my pain and know I will feel better in a few hours, days.. whatever. But I don't know how to make B's pain go away.

I think I get it now... I think I get that frustration I've seen in him for years, that helplessness of , "Why can't I make my wife stop crying." or "Why doesn't anything I do help her."

Emotion is simply something you experience and you have to let it work its way through you. And you have to know that you didn't feel that emotion before, and in a while it will be gone, or less, or milder, and eventually you will experience another type of emotion. While you sometimes want someone else to fix it and make it all better, in this situation, there is little that anyone can say to make it better.(Except for "It's positive", or "I'm pregnant", or "Your boys can swim!!!!!)

Today, B has been bombarded with people at work who are either giving birth, very pregnant, or just announcing that their wife is pregnat. And its too much at once. It reminds me of the day a few years ago when I found out at work that 5 people were pregnant.. IN ONE DAY!!!.

So, I am scolding you today Infertility, for making B hurt.

Bad, Bad Infertility... Bad!

3 Years and a Decision

2010-03-02T20:33:00.001-06:00

With the passing of February, we've now been trying to concieve our child for 3 years. That's about 36 tries. As I type this out, 36 doesn't really seem like THAT many, but it feels like ages and ages since we started on this journey. Some in the infertility world would say 3 years is nothing, but right now I'm not even sure I can remember who I was before all of this began...

Actually, I do remember. It was November '06 and B and I made the decision to to start trying the following February. We were heading to a warm, sunny spot over the Christmas holiday and I didn't want to be pregnant because I wanted to drink, and enjoy all the fun things that I couldn't had I been pregnant. How silly was I, huh? Oh, and well, I wanted to wait until the end of February, so that being pregnant wouldn't interfere w/ me taking my November '07 actuarial exam. Because, I thought, I could plan around those things. So we tried for a year, on and off, taking off those months that would be due dates would run into trouble with May and November exams.

And when we didn't get pregnant by the end of '07, I thought, oh well, let's just go to the RE and no biggie, we'll be pregnant in no time... A few pills or shots, a squirt, a whirl and a probe...some waiting and pee-ing on sticks.. and wham... problem solved...

How naive I was. And sometimes how I wish I was still that naive. But unfortunately, I am not. And I would not relive these last 2 years of my life using ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology = IUIs, IVF, FET, ....) for any amount of money.

So we made the decision... We're done... Finished... NO MORE ART... The only thing that can get us pregnant at this point is the good old fashioned method, plus some stinky Chinese herbs...

...and I'm terrified, sad, in shock that I'm actually here. No more walls in front of me to block an empty view or a view of a reality that I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with. But I can't hide behind the walls anymore and I certainly can't pay all of that money again to have no baby result with no further hope from the doctors. And I finally have my body back into shape and balance after tormenting it with hormones and needles for 2 years.

So we're done. Some anniversary, huh?

Free (at last?)

2010-02-19T23:06:00.000-06:00

We did it!!! Today, we paid off our IVF debt.

We're finally free of the looming credit card balance staring us in the face, taunting us with "ha ha... you still owe me money... and you don't have anything to show for it..."

We're free. Relief. Peace.

But somehow I thought I would feel happier. I thought I would feel a release.

Now, all I feel is a strange sense of finality. Is this it? Are we done? Are our chances gone? Is there hope?

I was in a meeting yesterday at work and and there was a woman in the meeting who is pregnant. She is probably a good 10 years younger than me. She's looks to be about 5 months along, showing, cutely.. but not hugely.. And I didn't feel that pang of sadness. I felt a strange sense of detachment. Like oh, hmmm... I wonder what that's like... a numbness.

I'm sad that I felt that way. I thought I should still feel a sense of longing whenever I see a pregnant woman, a sense of desire and a sense of hope... But right now I feel nothing....

and that scares the crap out of me.

Dear Baby

2010-02-17T21:25:00.004-06:00

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, B recommended, as did a few others, that I start writing in a journal. I actually bought a really pretty bound journal from Target and tried to write in it.

But for some reason, writing just didn't flow. I think that's why I didn't really take to journaling right away. Instead, as I sat at the laptop and typed out my thoughts, I found the words came out a lot easier.

I thought tonight that I'd share one of my handwritten entries from my first attempt at keeping a journal. This entry is from about a year ago before right before we were to start our first IVF cycle. Oh, the hope that was in all of our hearts back then. I still have that hope, but its a very different kind of hope right now. Its more patient, less desperate... even deeper somehow... Anyways.. here's the entry:

15 March, 2009

Dear Baby,

I had dinner tonight with your grandparents and we talked about you. They are so excited and hopeful that you are on your way soon. I can't wait to make them grandparents. They are the most caring, giving and loving parents and will be such a HUGE part of your life. We'll often go visit them and Grandma will hold you and cuddle you and sing you songs and give me a break when I need a break. Grandpa will laugh and play with you and when you are older, encourage you and teach you lessons. I can even picture you taking a nap together as he holds you on his chest in his favorite chair. And after a fun weekend visit to the grandparents, B and I will pack us all back into the car and drive back home and the whole way you will be telling us over and over how much fun you had visiting them.

Our family is ready and waiting for you and here to welcome you into our open and loving arms...

Almost Perfect

2010-02-17T21:08:00.002-06:00

Last weekend my family and I celebrated my dad's 65th birthday. It was ALMOST a perfect night. We had drinks and appetizers at my sister's apartment. We gave him gifts. We played a dvd that I had put together of the last 35 yrs or so of his life set to some tear jerking songs. And then we went to a nice long dinner at a cozy steak place. And finished the night up at an irish pub.

It was an almost perfect night...

It was almost perfect because I had thought, just about 6 weeks ago that MAYBE we MIGHT have been pregnant on our own. It was the month before my laparoscopy and I missed my period by 2 days!!! 2 WHOLE DAYS!! And those of you who have done this infertility crap for a while know that for those 2 whole days, I really really thought it might have been possible....even after 3 years of no no no no no.... I still thought it was possible.

And in a split second, I had planned it all. I had planned when I was going to tell everyone and when were due and how wonderful it was going to be to give my dad the best birthday gift I could think of.... telling him he was going to be a Grandpa. I was going to save it for that night at dinner... and tell everyone together... and we'd all cry.. and laugh.... and this nightmare would finally be over...

... as I said... ALMOST perfect night.

The Other Side of the Wall

2010-02-04T19:56:00.000-06:00

I don't have a wall in front of me right now and I kind of wish I did.

Let me explain.

After 'cycling' for almost 2 years (cycling is the affectionate term for actively trying to get pregnant, especially with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist), I often felt like with each cycle, at the beginning with all of the hope and excitement surrounding how many follicles I had, how great my hormone levels are, how many awesome swimmer B has, I would see in my future path, a big wall. I can't see through the wall, but I hope as hard as hell that on the other side of the wall is my baby.

I knocked down my last wall this past September and once again, there was nothing was there.

But since then, I had another plan, and a tiny wall was erected. I knew there was no baby on the other side, mostly, but it was still a nice wall, blocking the view of my future. Most importantly, blocking an empty view of my future w/o any biological children. This most recent wall was the laparoscopy. I knew it wasn't going to produce me a baby, but at least it was an upcoming event that I could focus my energies on and hope for an answer to this madness.

Its somewhat blissful in fact, with a wall in front of you... Its hopeful. Even after many many months of walls that are broken down w/ no baby behind them, you still think... maybe..... could be... yeah, maybe its this one... And so before you break down that wall, you are at peace.

But right now, I don't have any walls in front of me. Right now, because we don't have any looming cycles (IUIs, IVFs.... what have you) in front of us (I just CAN'T get the energy or money up to do it... too many resources to muster w/ too much at stake), I'm anxious... I'm sad... I'm fearful...I'm heavy. What if I don't have any more walls in front of me ever again? What if we just decide to stop? What if a baby doesn't magically appear in front of me?

Its hard to be on the other side of a wall without knowing when/if another will come along and help you stay peaceful and present. I guess I'm supposed to figure out how to do that myself. Ugh...

A day of recovery

2010-01-31T12:49:00.007-06:00

I spent the day after my surgery in bed w/ my knitting, my dog and a very attentive B.

Thanks B, you're amazing!

P.S. - I'm knitting a baby blanket for MY baby. Do you think they will want to get here faster?? :-)

Another fun filled Friday night

2010-01-31T10:25:00.003-06:00

This past Friday night, I had my first (and hopefully my last) Laparoscopy. (Warning: the link has a few pictures you might not want to see)

It went pretty well. They found 2 areas of endometriosis and were able to remove it all. Other than not having anything wrong, this is the best possible outcome I could have hoped for. In fact, I actually wanted them to find something.

You see, we've been on this journey for 3 years starting next month and up until now, we really haven't had any explaination of why we can't get pregnant. B's got good swimmers, I make great eggs, they seem to fertilize, so why the hell aren't we getting pregnant??? Well, there's that whole implantation thing that I guess seems to be our problem. Even if we're making good embryos, they still need to be able to implant their way into the uterus and the uterus has to accept the embryo and allow it to snuggle in for a good 9 months or so. Unfortunately, this is the one area of baby-making that the Reproductive Endocrinology world doesn't really agree on how to fix, or if it can be fixed at all.

So, when faced with a problem that isn't straightforward, I usually turn to Dr Google and research the crap out of the issue at hand. Which is exactly what I did with this. After our 3rd failed IVF, I began to see a pattern in my body's response to putting healthy embryo's back inside. Each time, after we transferred 2 or 3 healthy embryos into my uterus, and before I was supposed to get my period, I would develop a fever-ish feeling. The first time this happened, I thought it was just a coincidence. But after the 2nd and 3rd times, I really felt like this was a trend and most definitely a clue into why we aren't getting pregnant.

What could cause this type of reaction?

One theory, is that women with mild/moderate endometriosis develop an immune reaction that doesn't allow an embryo to implant, or attacks the embryo as it tries to burrow into the uterus. Because there is misplaced endometrial tissues outside of the uterus in the pelvic cavity, the immune system sees it as an invader. But the immune system doesn't know how to differentiate between the misplaced endometrial tissue and the correct endometrial tissue in the uterus and therefore attacks both areas. So, the heightened immune response inside the uterus inconveniently causes implantation issues. This of cousre is just a theory, and in fact, many women WITH endometriosis do actually get pregnant.

This is the problem with science and medicine (coming from a very analytical, research oriented person). As a doctor, they have to treat to trends and theories backed by peer-reviewed, randomized, double-blind studies. However, as a somewhat desperate patient trying to figure out how to get pregnant, even anecdotal evidence, or theories that have yet to be shown true in such studies are good enough for me to pursue if they aren't too invasive or expensive. In my mindset, a laparoscopy fits this bill. However, because I don't fit the typical endometriosis patient profile, I had to basically beg my OB/GYN to perform this surgery on me. I did have some suspicions that I do have endometriosis, but I won't get into those here. It would make an already long post, even longer.

And now I can go back to him in a few weeks at my post-op meeting and say "I told you so!!!" in a very nice and thankful way for taking this chance with me.

Where does this leave me you ask? Well, studies have shown, that in the next 3-6 months after a laparoscopy, success rates increase, no matter how you try to get pregnant (on your own, IUI, IVF)... So we now have a little more hope that maybe it could possibly work on our own!!! But I'm not ready to let myself feel that hope yet. After 36 months of trying, getting your hopes up, and then being let down each and every month, I just can't really get my hopes up too much.

Although, who am I kidding... I'm hopeful.

Cleanse: Days 4-7... ALL CLEAN!

2010-01-31T09:31:00.001-06:00

We did it! We survived our cleanse! I'm all clean! Well, at least cleaner than I was a week ago... Now... where is that nice big bottle of wine that I bought at Trader Joe's???

Right after I posted my previous post, I proceeded to get VERY anxious about the upcoming day without food. It was about 3pm and I was sitting at my kitchen table studying on my day off work. (Side note: I'm an actuary.. and we study on our days off... and its not fun.. but hopefully after this last exam in May, I won't have to study on my days off ever again). Then B got home from work around 4:30 and we both were a bit cranky and anxious and I realized it was the first Friday night in a long time that we didn't crack open a bottle of wine or beer and figure out where to go or what yummy thing we could eat for dinner.

Instead, the looming day ahead of no food and more importantly a Friday night without something to take the edge off the long week made us both a little anxious... Oh, and for dinner, we could only eat fruits and veggies... not a very promising or 'rockin' Friday night.

Instead, we found ourselves heating up a tasty treat of 'detox broth' and trying to figure out how to pass the time. Thank god for Trivial Pursuit! Why is it with alcohol, even if you aren't doing anything, you feel like you are doing something???

The next day we went to get a massage in the morning, which helps to release some of the toxins out of your muscles that have been loosening up from the diet changes and sauna's in the prior 3 days. It was really nice! And it passed the time without food for most of the morning, so really we only had to make it through the rest of the day. And it seemed to go pretty fast. Then, but the time day 5 came around where were we able to eat fruits and veggies again, the smoothie I made for breakfast was the tastiest thing I'd had in a long time. Then day 6 & 7 seemed to pass with relative ease.

When all is said and done, I'm glad we did the cleanse. I feel more healthy, my skin is happier, my body feels lighter and more energetic and I definitely feel like I let go of some emotions that I've been storing up inside me for a while. However, I do feel like I could have 'done it better'... doing more meditations, more yoga, going to the sauna everyday. I don't feel like I accomplished my goal of making any decisions about our next steps on how to get to our baby. But maybe that's the point. I don't have to be perfect at a cleanse and I don't have to make a solid plan. Its a learning process and the next time I go through it I can change a few things up, both the cleanse, and whatever it is that we try next on the road to our baby.

For now, I'm just happy to be eating chocolate again.

Cleanse: Days 1-3

2010-01-22T14:29:00.001-06:00

I like food...
I really like food...
And I spend much of my day wondering what my next meal is going to be. In the morning I thinks about what I should have for a snack in a few hours, and then I think about how yummy my leftovers from last nights dinner are going to be at lunch and then later in the afternoon, after my other snack, I start to think about what to make for dinner.

And going through a few days of only being allowed to eat certain types of foods really drives home the point that I focus a lot of my daily energy on food. Even though I've been able to eat a lot of usual things (fruits, veggies, grains) because I can't have other foods, I find myself struggling a bit and really wanting those foods. For example.. Beer and Pizza and Chocolate would be fantastic right about now. Even some potato chips... oh hey, those are veggies, aren't they???

And of course I can find a parallel to my baby journey.

I want a baby...
I really want a baby...

And my baby doesn't seem to be 'on the list' right now. So I find myself thinking about my baby often. Daily at least, maybe even hourly. I think to myself.... What are my next steps? Have we thought about all possibilities? Why didn't our 3 IVF cycles work? Why can't one of Madison's best doctors figure that out? Why do I feel like I have to be the doctor and detective and innovator? What will it be like to have a baby in my arms? When will I get to have my baby? If I knew when, maybe I could just be patient and happier in the moment instead of wondering will this ever happen? I'm not ready to give up.

But the parallels end here because I KNOW that on Tuesday night, I can have a beer and chocolate and pizza if I want. In fact I COULD have them right now, but I'm just choosing not to. But I DON'T know when my baby will come. And that's hard. But maybe learning more about being patient, even through food, will help me continue on this journey towards parenthood with a bit more presence.

So, onward with the Cleanse to the dreaded Day 4 ( NO FOOD!) and onward with the baby quest. But first, let's figure out what yummy veggies I'm gonna fill my belly with this evening.